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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In relationship with secretive man

245 replies

Tausif · 08/08/2019 17:12

This sounds mad, but I have a relationship with a man I don't know anything about. Apart from what he tells me. We are together for 9 months now, he always stays at my place. I have never seen his place, his family, I don't know where he works, nothing. There is no trace of him on the internet. He does not answer my questions. Any sane woman would have thrown him out long ago, but I have never been in love like that.

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 09/08/2019 09:25

How do you know he's a banker if you don't know where he works?

What does he say when you ask him questions?

whothedaddy · 09/08/2019 09:28

You cannot be in love with a person you don't know.

lollipopguild · 09/08/2019 09:28

He's a liar

SomeAfternoonDelight · 09/08/2019 09:28

OP Your just not giving us enough info!

ZorbaTheHoarder · 09/08/2019 09:29

Dear OP,
I know you feel at the moment that he is the love of your life, but how can you possible have any future with someone who refuses to have an honest and open conversation with you?

Surely, all that is going to happen here is that you will carry on like this until you get so fed up that you challenge him to be more open and then he will just disappear?

I think you should tell him that things can't carry on like this and mean it!

You WILL be able to meet someone you can have a normal relationship with, but it's not this guy...

Wishihad · 09/08/2019 09:29

But you are desperate.

You are so desperate for love (or the lifestyle) that you are willing to accept a poor, fake version of it.

That's not a judgment on you. Lots of people have experiences that make us crave love and attention.

You wouldnt have put up with shit, if you werent desperate.

ISmellBabies · 09/08/2019 09:30

He might be the love of your life op but you're certainly not the love of his!

How old are you op? Do you hope to have a normal, reciprocal relationship one day, live together with someone, have kids? You won't get any of that with him and wasting your life thinking you're in a "relationship" with this user could mean you miss your chance altogether. Don't waste your life (especially your fertile years, if you want kids) on this total non-relationship.

31RueCambon · 09/08/2019 09:31

I guess the point of the thread was to see if her fears were grounded, not to come back and give us chapter and verse!

pinkyredrose · 09/08/2019 09:31

He's got another woman/family. Or he's a criminal in hiding.

PooWillyBumBum · 09/08/2019 09:32

He's got a family out in the Home Counties. Wonder if his wife has been on here lamenting her husband's late nights/week long business trips.

31RueCambon · 09/08/2019 09:35

@wishihad There is no evidence of that! She's taking stock, hence this thread. She hasn't given any detail about their interaction or his behaviour when they're together, but he does communicate with her regularly.

I don't think it sounds like he sees her as a long term partner, but deducing that the OP is putting up with this because she's desperate is a leap! She's questioning it!

We don't know what she'll do next.

31RueCambon · 09/08/2019 09:37

@PooWillyBumBum but he spends weekends with the OP and the OP didn't mention seeing him during the week. That doesn't sound like a married man really.

Maybe he is hiding really crappy living circumstances?

AngelsSins · 09/08/2019 10:10

So he doesn’t answer your questions, , won’t tell you where he works or lives, won’t introduce you to friends or family...but you love him, so it’s all ok?!

Let’s hope you don’t get pregnant, he could vanish on you without a trace.

dollydaydream114 · 09/08/2019 10:10

So, when you ask him totally normal questions like 'Where do you work?' and 'Do you have any brothers and sisters? Are your parents alive? Have you seen them lately?' what does he say? Does he just refuse to answer? Or are you scared to ask?

This situation is ludicrous and you are being unbelievably naive. He is almost certainly married and using you. In the unlikely event that he isn't, he is completely mad and his secrecy is not normal.

That kind of secrecy is often used to control and manipulate - one of my exes was a bit like this. He would hide things from me for no good reason other than to ensure that I was in a state of constant worry an uncertainty.

This man is not 'the love of your life'. You don't even know who he is. You've been swept away by a fantasy.

RedPanda2 · 09/08/2019 10:14

He's marries. Please use condoms, you won't be his first or last side chick.
Good luck OP

KatherineJaneway · 09/08/2019 10:24

Tells me he's divorced.

I could tell you I'm an astronaut, doesn't mean it is actually true.

Original poster
Tausif · 09/08/2019 10:28

I know he's divorced.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 09/08/2019 10:29

What does he do when you ask him questions, sit there in silence?

Henlie · 09/08/2019 10:32

Op - did you meet him on a dating site? Or was it on a night out? How old is he roughly? And how old are you? Do you know approx what where he lives (or even which county he’s in) or what part of London?

There’s a lot of basic unknown info here, which is just really strange. Surely a lot of these questions would have come up in the first few weeks of dating.....🤔

KatherineJaneway · 09/08/2019 10:34

I know he's divorced

How? You yourself said you know nothing about him and he doesn't answer your questions.

jamoncrumpet · 09/08/2019 10:48

You know what, OP. You're not telling us much either.

theWarOnPeace · 09/08/2019 10:51

Exactly jamon! Perhaps OP and her mystery man just sit there annoyingly dodging questions from each other on their love-filled secret dates?

dollydaydream114 · 09/08/2019 10:53

You know what, OP. You're not telling us much either.

My thoughts exactly. We've all asked you questions to try to find out more about your situation so we can help you, but you've just become really defensive.

I think that deep down, you know what the situation is here, but now that other people have confirmed it (rather than telling you it's all fine) you've gone into denial. I'm sorry you haven't got the reassurance you wanted, but I think you know you need to end this relationship.

RatherBeRiding · 09/08/2019 10:54

How do you know he's divorced? I assume he's told you. That's not the same as knowing because you've met his family and friends or seen his divorce papers.

Equally how do you know he's a banker if you don't know where he works?

If these are things he's told you, they mean nothing. He could tell you he's a secret agent and you don't actually KNOW he's being honest.

longwayoff · 09/08/2019 11:02

Not only r u being unreasonable, you are behaving in a way that exposes you to immense risk. I gather you enjoy that. You are not in love with him, you don't know him. Better be careful.