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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a FWB when pregnant?

427 replies

GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 11:03

More would I be than am I, because I’ve not done anything yet.
I’m obviously single, split with baby’s dad and have been chatting with a FWB, but just as friends. Last night he got a bit flirty in his chat and suggested he’d be open to us resuming the benefits part of our friendship. I’m tempted because I do really miss sex, but feel it’s a bit off to sleep with someone who’s not my baby’s father while I’m pregnant.

I don’t know if to just give it a go and if it feels weird then say, nope I’ve changed my mind. I know him well enough to know that wouldn’t be a problem at all.

And he’s definitely single and we’d obviously use condoms.

OP posts:
feelingverylazytoday · 08/08/2019 12:33

If you're sure it's what you want then go right ahead. It's your body so it's your choice. That doesn't change because you're pregnant.
The fact that you think it's a bit weird and have asked other people's opinions indicates it's not really what you want though, so I would leave it.

JacquesHammer · 08/08/2019 12:33

I am no prude,bit I would feel like an unpaid prostitute

Um.....

percheron67 · 08/08/2019 12:34

Wman. I wonder whatouldn't want any relationship with a man who wanted sex whilst I was carrying another man's child. Seriously weird

I certainly would not to have any dealings at all with a man who wanted sex when I was c arrying another man's child. Seriously
weird.

zeezee3 · 08/08/2019 12:34

Grim, and weird.

YABU.

percheron67 · 08/08/2019 12:35

Apologies - my pc is having a very odd day - perhaps it has been put off by the subject matter!

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 12:36

To add it wasn't something I'd been considering at all until we were talking last night (which started as just a general conversation) and he kinda brought it up. I've missed sex and had a few fleeting moments, where I considered texting my ex.
But really wasn't considering anyone else as an option.

We've been just friends for longer than we were FWB. It's been a long time since we've done that so I was a bit surprised when the conversation led that way, but he rightly pointed out that we haven't both been single at the same time in all that time.

Maybe the reality for him wouldn't be the same either though.

OP posts:
LatteLove · 08/08/2019 12:37

I don’t get why it’s grim or icky. The OP might be pregnant but she’s still a person in her own right and entitled to have sex with whom she chooses.

BarbedBloom · 08/08/2019 12:37

It is still your body and it is up to you what you do with it. I get what others are saying, but I don't see this as an issue. Safe sex with someone who treats you with respect can be fun and doesn't have to mean anything if you don't want it to

Whosorrynow · 08/08/2019 12:39

A prostitute has sex with men in exchange for money, so to say that this would make you feel like an unpaid prostitute is saying that the man is taking something from the pregnant woman and the woman is getting nothing in return?

Is that right? Is that what you're saying when you say this would make you feel like an unpaid prostitute?

HeadintheiClouds · 08/08/2019 12:39

What’s decent, respectful and enlightened about wanting to have no strings sex with a pregnant woman? Some of you go so far out of your way to be right on...
I think it’s as creepy as fuck.

TheTitOfTheIceberg · 08/08/2019 12:40

Also find it weird someone wants to have sex when the child isn't his

People keep saying this but I find their comments weirder. I appreciate there are men with a pregnancy fetish but this is not some stranger from Fetlife the OP has picked out at random. This is a person she knows and respects with whom she has had sex previously, presumably when not pregnant. Is it really so weird that a man might be capable of seeing past a bump, seeing the OP as a person in her own right separate from the impending baby and just wanting sex with her because he in turn likes her, respects her and finds her attractive? He's not necessarily the one defining the OP by her pregnancy as a baby-carrying vessel and nothing else here...

Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse · 08/08/2019 12:42

Personally I would not but your body your choice.

Whosorrynow · 08/08/2019 12:42

Those who find it grim I totally understand that you are speaking about your intuitive or gut reaction, these are things which are arise spontaneously and we tend not to subject them to rational enquiry, partly because the yuck response makes us not want to examine how we feel in detail.

But still why do we feel like this, is it something to do with the purity and innocence of an unborn child and not wanting to 'contaminate' that with the raw bestiality of sex?

crisscrosscranky · 08/08/2019 12:44

I can't think of a good reason but it seems wrong to me.

I have never had a FWB though as I'm fairly certain I would catch feelings and have some fantasy of this arrangement resulting a happy family so you can probably ignore my opinions!

vasya · 08/08/2019 12:45

Seems grim and I also would question a man who wanted to have sex with a woman pregnant with another man's baby.

Why?! It's not like women suddenly become hideous, sexless monsters when pregnant. And it's not like impregnating a woman gives a man any rights over her body. So why should it bother another man?

OP's friend obviously likes and respects and fancies her. Why would he suddenly be repulsed just because she's pregnant with a baby that isn't his?

PumpkinP · 08/08/2019 12:45

I wouldn’t do it and I have been single in pregnancy and it’s just something I wouldn’t do, I would be put off by any man who wanted to when I was pregnant anyway.

JacquesHammer · 08/08/2019 12:49

I think it’s as creepy as fuck

I kind of think people who only see pregnant women as the “pregnant” bit are creepy as fuck!

Whosorrynow · 08/08/2019 12:50

Perhaps it's because men are sometimes predatory when they seek sexual contact with women, we perceive pregnant women as particularly vulnerable and so this makes the man look particularly predatory to us?

vasya · 08/08/2019 12:51

This thread is really revelatory of how deeply ingrained misogyny can be. There are so many here who clearly think that a pregnant woman's body isn't hers anymore - it has a higher purpose as some kind of creepy sacred baby vessel, and defiling that with sex (or even wanting to) is gross.

It's a lot of fuss over nothing imo. Lots of women have sex while pregnant. There's no reason to distinguish between sex with the father of the baby and sex with someone else, unless you think there's something magical about being the father of a baby that sanitises your sex and makes it ok. And if that's your view, I would say you're the one with the creepy fetish.

OP - this is your decision only. You don't sound totally sure about it, so I wouldn't rush in to anything. But if you come to feel it's what you want, and you are willing to take sensible precautions, then that's all that matters.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 12:52

In defence of my friend. He's not creepy or weird, I really don't believe he has a fetish for pregnant women or anything like that. My feeling weird about it wasn't from his side it was from my own. He's always and maybe slightly odd for a man (it was when we were in uni), been more attracted to personality and that rapport with conversation etc than looks. When I mentioned being pregnant he said "yes, but you're still you".

Anyway, rightly or wrongly I think I'd be too concerned about what people thought if they found out and that it could get too complicated with feelings etc. Plus if my ex found out it would cause holy hell.
So I'll be giving it a miss, at least for now.

OP posts:
QualCheckBot · 08/08/2019 12:52

Personally find it rank but people are different and you can do what you like! I'd be worried about him having some kind of pregnant women fetish. Even if he has been with you before, he's back now and he might well have a "thing" about pregnant women.

Anyway, each to their own. I've turned down loads of men and I prefer the ones that will wait til you're ready but I'd hardly expect everyone to follow my own personal code. Have voted YABU for personal view of it as bit yucky.

Pumpkin I would be put off by any man who wanted to when I was pregnant anyway.

This ^

Whosorrynow · 08/08/2019 12:58

OP, your beneficial friend sounds like a great guy, you're lucky to have him in your life in my opinion 😊

ChocolateCroissants · 08/08/2019 13:01

I found that I couldn't have sex with my husband past about 6 months pregnant I found it uncomfortable anyway, but I think part of it was that it was just a bit weird once you can see a big bump.

I don't really know how to articulate it, but sleeping with someone else who isn't the dad is just a bit wrong. It's just a bit odd to have someone poking about inches away from your baby. I felt like this even when it was with the baby's dad though.

MargotMoon · 08/08/2019 13:03

Astonished at some of the comments on here! Unpaid prostitute!? Creepy/grim? So judgmental! Obviously YABU for not wanting to spend your confinement knitting booties and making jam Hmm

Bollocks to all of them, OP. You know him, we don't. If you feel comfortable then that's all that matters. I hope it works out well for you

BuildBuildings · 08/08/2019 13:06

It's fine. Do it if you want