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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a FWB when pregnant?

427 replies

GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 11:03

More would I be than am I, because I’ve not done anything yet.
I’m obviously single, split with baby’s dad and have been chatting with a FWB, but just as friends. Last night he got a bit flirty in his chat and suggested he’d be open to us resuming the benefits part of our friendship. I’m tempted because I do really miss sex, but feel it’s a bit off to sleep with someone who’s not my baby’s father while I’m pregnant.

I don’t know if to just give it a go and if it feels weird then say, nope I’ve changed my mind. I know him well enough to know that wouldn’t be a problem at all.

And he’s definitely single and we’d obviously use condoms.

OP posts:
brightfutureahead · 08/08/2019 13:47

Luckily, OP is a mature consenting adult who, I have no doubt, is capable of using appropriate protection.

Which could fail. That’s the risk you take every time you have sex.

So could anyone's husband/partner to be fair @brightfutureahead. Maybe sex while pregnant should be banned for the baby's sake?

Each individual choice really. But probably more of a risk if it’s not the husband or partner.

You did ask for opinions.

1Wildheartsease · 08/08/2019 13:50

Is the 'icky' feeling some people have connected to the idea that your ex is involved simply because the baby is there and that somehow you would be part of a threesome?

(This goes with the odd idea that 'we' are pregnant. I've always thought of pregnancy as my bit of the thing... not my partners!)

Otherwise, you are in a relationship with this man - whatever form that takes. It seems fine and not dangerous for you or the baby (so not like a one-night-stand).

QualCheckBot · 08/08/2019 13:50

Purplequalitystreet I'd be very interested to know whether the people crying "icky" and "grim" are against the idea of FWB altogether, or is it just during pregnancy? Also, do they find the idea of sex in pregnancy a "bit icky" in general, regardless of who it's with?

For me, its just the sleeping with so many different men. I actually find it icky to sleep around with lots of different men. To be pregnant and to want a FWB means quite a short gap between one man and the next. I am personally not that often attracted to men that I want to have sex with different ones that frequently. Turning down men because you aren't really that interested in them is very liberating. Much more so than crap sex. I've turned down some bloody gorgeous men, but don't regret it because all it would have been was sex and I need to be attracted to the whole package to make sex worthwhile.

But obviously I only speak for myself, people can do what they want! Its hardly illegal - and thank goodness for that

NottonightJosepheen · 08/08/2019 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bwekfusth · 08/08/2019 13:51

Whoever said that they'd be 'put off by any man who wanted to have sex with a pregnant woman' needs therapy.

Why? How fucking bizarre.

JacquesHammer · 08/08/2019 13:55

For me, its just the sleeping with so many different men. I actually find it icky to sleep around with lots of different men. To be pregnant and to want a FWB means quite a short gap between one man and the next

That’s two men....hardly qualifies as “so many”.

NottonightJosepheen · 08/08/2019 13:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tearinmybeer · 08/08/2019 13:56

I was concerned because at first I thought FWB was Full Body Wax and something about that just seemed odd and unnecessary. But yeah, go on, get some action.

Breathlessness · 08/08/2019 13:56

There are some very weird, prudish attitudes to sex and pregnancy on these threads.

Breathlessness · 08/08/2019 13:57

‘all it would have been was sex‘

Yup. And?

Dolphinia · 08/08/2019 13:58

There’s no real reason not to

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 08/08/2019 13:58

Good sex with someone you know, trust and have done it before with? Go for it!

I don't understand the health concerns for the baby- he's not a random stranger, they both understand safe sex and god knows there's enough threads on here about cheating partners in pregnancy (who then aren't using condoms).

I'm more in awe of you having any sex drive at all. Mine's packed its bags and fecked off somewhere much to DP's disappointment. He's resorted to mournful looks and sighs not a hope, sorry DP

Go for it.

Bwekfusth · 08/08/2019 13:59

@Breathlessness I must immediately re-evaluate my relationship as OH is clearly perverted sexual deviant as we had many shags during pregnancy. Disgusting man. I must also take a look at myself for wanting sex while pregnant. I'm ashamed. 🙄

HaileySherman · 08/08/2019 13:59

I don't see why it would be wrong. I mean unusual circumstances, as I guess usually women are probably still with the father, but you're not, so...what would the issue be? Obviously use condoms to protect against any std's (and if he's a man-whore, maybe reconsider just in case of condom failure). I don't think most people find a pregnant woman unattractive, if they found them attractive while they weren't pregnant. I don't know. I just feel like kudos to you if you are still interested in sex and have a willing partner, go for it.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 14:00

It does mean a short gap @QualCheckBot I give you that. But I don't sleep with lots of people, in fact the FWB is kinda the reason for that. I like sex, don't deny that! But he was always the one in that short gap, not lots of different men. When we were FWB before we were exclusive sexual, we just dated other people till either of us found someone we wanted more with, then our thing ended.

Not that sleeping with a lot of people is wrong at all. I just found that the one, one night stand I had was very meh. My friend knows what he's doing, what I like and we'd have a chat and got on too, so all good. Was FWB with my ex before we started officially going out too, but that was similar in we didn't sleep with other people, we could have dated if we wanted to.
Seems I'm ok with FWB, I'm just not good at proper relationships.

OP posts:
1Wildheartsease · 08/08/2019 14:01

'Many' men QualCheckBot?

If someone offered me 'many' days holiday/ 'many 'chocolates/'many 'friends at my party/'many' books to read, I'd be pretty disappointed to find they meant 2!

NoSauce · 08/08/2019 14:04

These threads come up from time to time and there’s usually a split opinion. You know the man in question and are an adult woman so are in the position to make a decision you feel confident and comfortable with. Only your decision counts here.

Wishing you well in your pregnancy!

TooTrueToBeGood · 08/08/2019 14:05

There is nothing icky or grim about sex whilst pregnant. There is no reason why the man is some kind of creep for finding a pregnant OP attractive, especially as he clearly found her attractive before she became pregnant. There is no risk to the child as long as protection is used and the OP is confident her partner is not a violent lover. The fact it is another man's child is irrelevant - her partner will not be shagging the fetus.

NottonightJosepheen · 08/08/2019 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaileySherman · 08/08/2019 14:06

M3lon........love your post. Sums up exactly what I was thinking but unable to put words to.

TurnAroundWhenPossible · 08/08/2019 14:06

It's as if when a woman becomes pregnant she changes from a person with a right to do as she pleases to a vessel for a child Well that is kind of what happens isn't it? We stop drinking alcohol, smoking, taking drugs, riding on rollercoasters, eating soft cheese, drinking caffeinated drinks etc. etc. We do have a responsibility to do the best for the life growing inside us and for most of us it's a natural instinct. Having said that, not every expectant mother feels obliged to put the interests of the unborn child first and I suppose that's her right. In this case, personally I wouldn't do it (safe sex is never 100% safe) but can't see it as worse than smoking or drinking during pregnancy, which also come with associated risks to the baby.

JacquesHammer · 08/08/2019 14:06

Turning down men because you aren't really that interested in them is very liberating

Why do you assume people with FWB aren’t turning down men they’re not interested in?

NoTheresa · 08/08/2019 14:07

Icky - as a previous poster said🤢

MajesticWhine · 08/08/2019 14:07

I am not in favour of FWB generally for myself - I don't think it would suit me.
But if that's the kind of arrangement you want then I don't see a problem.

zvjezdica · 08/08/2019 14:07

Of all the women around he had to choose one that's pregnant?
This person, and so many others, are clearly missing the point that OP and this guy have history, and he obviously still likes her. She has said that he said "you might be pregnant but you're still you" - he likes her, not her bump. He hasn't gone out to find a pregnant woman, he's reconnected with an old flame and decided he still fancies her even though she's pregnant. Nothing wrong with that. Can everyone stop reducing this poor woman to a walking incubator?
OP, you are a woman and a person, if you want sex, have it! Anyone telling you it would be preferable to have sex with someone who abused you, as opposed to someone who likes and respects you, just because he's the father of the baby, is past the point of being judgemental and is quite frankly an idiot.

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