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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a FWB when pregnant?

427 replies

GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 11:03

More would I be than am I, because I’ve not done anything yet.
I’m obviously single, split with baby’s dad and have been chatting with a FWB, but just as friends. Last night he got a bit flirty in his chat and suggested he’d be open to us resuming the benefits part of our friendship. I’m tempted because I do really miss sex, but feel it’s a bit off to sleep with someone who’s not my baby’s father while I’m pregnant.

I don’t know if to just give it a go and if it feels weird then say, nope I’ve changed my mind. I know him well enough to know that wouldn’t be a problem at all.

And he’s definitely single and we’d obviously use condoms.

OP posts:
Josephinebettany · 08/08/2019 12:01

Do it OP

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 12:01

Sorry I missed your post @Whosorrynow. I think it's protectiveness of the baby that's making me feel a bit weird about it. Which seems silly because my friend is much better for my mental health than my controlling ex and yet sex with him wouldn't cross my mind as icky because he's the dad.

OP posts:
MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 08/08/2019 12:02

the last chance you'll have to make use of your pristine pre-childbirth vagina

Hmm
ThatCurlyGirl · 08/08/2019 12:02

Hmm I feel uncomfortable about it but not sure why really so IABVU!

I think maybe it's because I would personally be afraid of catching the feels and then it being more complicated once the baby arrives.

As I say I can't articulate why it makes me feel funny so it's totally unreasonable of me! So I guess I feel the same as you OP.

Congrats by the way on your little one's impending arrival Thanks

AsTheWorldTurns · 08/08/2019 12:03

Seems grim and I also would question a man who wanted to have sex with a woman pregnant with another man's baby.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/08/2019 12:04

Sagradafsmiliar sorry I didn't mean it like that. Was being tongue in cheek. Was just thinking about my own experiences of a horrible episiotomy that took ages to heal, visible scar etc, it took me ages to feel up to sex again, and so I wished I'd been a bit less self conscious about having sex when pregnant as in hindsight there was no need. Agree my phrasing could have been better and no offence meant.

ThatCurlyGirl · 08/08/2019 12:04

Ooh @MinisterforCheekyFuckery articulated it way better than me!

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 12:05

I already have a Ds @AmIRightOrAMeringue. Which is why I know it's hormones making me crazy horny at this stage and give it another month or so, I'll be like, nah.

I think I'll just stick to a bit of sexting and hope that he's still single in about a years time 🤞🏻

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 08/08/2019 12:09

I used to go to swingers' clubs quite regularly and I really liked the attention I got once I was visibly pregnant - I was one of those lucky ones who had better skin/hair during pregnancy, and because I was eating my greens and doing plenty of gentle exercise, I was in the best shape of my adult life...

And, while everyone's body belongs to them alone and no PG woman should feel any obligation to have sex (some people feel all glowy and horny and mother-goddess-sex-queen, others feel pukey and exhausted), anyone who would condemn other women for being sexually active in pregnancy - you have some troubling issues. Probably a madonna-whore complex in the making.

VenusTiger · 08/08/2019 12:12

OP, is there any chance at all you might end up getting back with the dad? Would sex with your mate affect this?
Think about the emotional side too, as you know it’s hormones giving you the extra urge, as you’ve mentioned.
People prefer the father of the baby sex, which is understandable, as you’ve made a baby and see it growing, and feel deep connections during intimate times.
Your friend does sound respectful though. It’s totally up to you, and him.

Original poster
GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 12:14

The feelings aspect is a very valid one. We've known each other forever and he's very attractive and we get on, lots in common and all that. But we've always both said we're too similar personality wise to be in a relationship and we'd drive each other crazy.

But as much as I'm feeling like I'm not, I'm aware realise I am more vulnerable and I won't know exactly how I'll feel. Things have changed drastically for me since we last had sex and so maybe my feelings would too. Though I doubt it, he still annoys me as a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlOnIt · 08/08/2019 12:17

No absolutely not @VenusTiger. He's a controlling, emotional abusive dickhead! Who's just shown his true colours more and more since we split.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 08/08/2019 12:17

I don't think YABU to consider it, however you obviously have doubts which isn't a healthy place to be especially in a FWB arrangement - you have to be sure of your boundaries.

There is NOTHING wrong with a woman wanting to be sexually active when pregnant. To suggest otherwise suggest women are no more than vessels to carry a baby, rather than their own autonomous being.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/08/2019 12:22

I feel the same, OP. My instinct is that it seems weird, but I have nothing to back that up...

And I expect that people carrying surrogate babies for other people still have sex with their partners, and I wouldn't expect them to stop...

I can't find a logical reason that you would be being unreasonable, so if you want to do it and you can be safe, then there's no reason not to.

Whosorrynow · 08/08/2019 12:24

I think for some people this just has an element of filling your boots and they don't like it, 'you think you can be a sacred vessel for a baby and and a sex goddess at the same time who do you think you are' kind of thing
Why not, why not have a smorgasbord, go for it, get all the pleasure you can 😍😍😍

Karmin · 08/08/2019 12:24

Whilst I understand where the YABU's are coming from I don't agree, far better to enjoy the FWB now than the impossiblity straight after birth. Who knows when you will want to resume.

You are single, the baby is in its amniotic sack, presumably the pregnancy is proceeding normally with no concerns, and you haven't been advised to stop having sex by a midwife or doctor.

You know this person, you know your sex drive, there is something about pregnancy that people become almost puritan about the mother doing anything potentially immoral.

By what you have said this is a long term relationship with this person and a previous FWB relationship, now you are single they want to continue, there is nothing odd in that, it is something you have both enjoyed in the past so if you are interested go for it, if you feel uncomfortable don't.

ElizaPancakes · 08/08/2019 12:25

YANBU to do it at all.

Personally I also think it's a bit 'icky' even though I can't put my finger on why!

ukgift2016 · 08/08/2019 12:28

Another one here who finds it 'icky', but like another poster said we all have our own boundaries.

Tableclothing · 08/08/2019 12:28

For me, the risk of getting an STI is the biggest problem. A FWB is likely to be having sex with others too and condoms don't protect against everything.

Other problem - risk of emotional entanglement.

It's an individual judgement call. I'm just impressed you have the energy!

ElizaDee · 08/08/2019 12:29

YANBU to do whatever you want, but I personally find it a bit 'Jeremy Kyle'.

movingontosomethingnew · 08/08/2019 12:31

Go for it op!!

I don't understand why people find it icky or strange to be honest.

KUGA · 08/08/2019 12:31

This reply has been deleted

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PinaC · 08/08/2019 12:31

Personally I wouldn’t ever do this. But then I have the experience of many pregnancies and some with complications and the first thing we were always told was rest and don’t have penetrative sex or an orgasm so that clouds my judgement

Obviously each person has a right to do whatever they wish with their own body and it’s up to you OP but my opinion is that it maybe isn’t the best idea

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 08/08/2019 12:31

I personally found it strange that men found me sexually attractive when I was pregnant apart from my ex (and we had split up)

Some men certainly do find pregnant women sexy and was saddened that some men assumed I was vulnerable so up for it Hmm

Up to you but hormones are up and down so a FWB may feel like something more emotional

Tableclothing · 08/08/2019 12:33

Full disclosure: I've gone and ticked YABU after all. I think the risk to baby's health is just too great. If you've given up alcohol, listeria-risk foods, etc then I can't understand why you'd take this risk.