AIBU for snapping at my copycat child

[Confusedandworried321]

DS is 3.7 and sometimes copies what feels like everything I do. This morning I was making the baby's bottle, and gave it to him. Cue him doing the same for his baby doll using his toy kitchen. I then go in the shower. He follows me up and goes in the airing cupboard, pretending to shower. It sounds cute, but AIBU to find it absolutely infuriating? He literally copies me as closely as possible so his "baby" hasn't finished his milk until baby DS has. He copies my exact movements in the shower.

I snapped at him in the end this morning and told him to stop copying me.

Is this even normal? He doesn't do it all the time, and DH usually gets it more eg every time he hoovers/mows the lawn, out comes DS' little toy hoovers/lawn mowers and he's a little shadow while the jobs are being done.

DD copies actions sometimes. And words. And it can be annoying, especially if you think it is pointing to ASD.

The humming can drive you demented.

Ds used to point at some things by the time he was 2 ( babies in pushchairs)

Also obsessed with wheels.

Both have ASD. One diagnosed early, one late.

Have you heard the saying that when your son gets diagnosed...

Look at your daughter, look at your dad, then look in the mirror. You may find more autism lurking..

Ps high functioning autism just means not having any learning difficulties rather than around the difficulties of living with autism.

@LouiseHumphreys81

He couldn't 'be' ASD. People are not disorders.

Yabu.
He wants to copy you, that's good.
Getting all anxious about him doing so and snapping at him is totally ridiculous.
He has some issue's at play group? And your having him checked for ASD? Wow.
Just wow.

Poor child.

Nah, lucky child getting checked for ASD so early. You don't get on the pathway without reason. Gatekeeping is very strong.

Agree with pp that it’s not helping that you’re obsessing about possible ASD, almost as if you’ve made up your mind that he has it and is waiting for a diagnosis. Just relax and enjoy him. Tbh nothing you have said screams ASD ... lots of children react differently in a group to when they’re playing alone or 1 on 1. Lots of children his age go through a phase of fixation on vehicles or particular toys.

The fact he happily plays like he does, copying the household tasks alongside you seems very normal to me.

Please don’t obsess and ‘look’ for a condition. If it turns out he has ASD then it won’t change who he is, and the best way to deal with it would be by being loving, patient and calm, which is the best way to deal with any child anyway. But this could just be his personality type (you described him as quirky) and it would be sad if you’re squashing a totally harmless and sweet aspect of him

Nah, lucky child getting checked for ASD so early. You don't get on the pathway without reason. Gatekeeping is very strong.

I used to think this. Then I asked the GP, who had never met my DD, to refer her based on a list of things i had noticed.

So there is being referred and there is getting 'on the pathway' and I'm not sure they are one and the same.

I think the initial appointment with CAHMS was where the decision to go down that path was made.

You need to see your GP and get some treatment sorted out ASAP.
Your anxieties are affecting your relationship with your child. That's not on.

He is learning through play, as almost every other child does. What he is doing is natural and normal.

Oh and being referred to the Paediatrician isn't indicative that the child will even be assessed for ASD. Up here the Paed refers to CAHMS for the assessment if they think it's necessary.

Thank you for the latest replies.

bouncingraindrops I think CAHMS is once the child is 5? It seems to be the case in my area anyway. I'm glad he has been referred (well not glad, I was hoping the HV and nursery nurse would say there's zero reason to refer him) as at least now we are on the list. If when we see the paed, they see no issue, then great. I can at least stop wondering, as if he has ASD, I would rather he was diagnosed earlier so to get any support he may need, and also so as not to be mislabelled as "naughty" which I bet sadly happens a lot. Has your dd received a diagnosis?

Blackeyedgruesome DS started pointing at 13 months, at absolutely everything that caught his interest. So that milestone was right on track, which is why I put my worries to bed for so long! He still points 100000 times a day at 3 and a half.

He is an awesome little boy (when he's behaving!) there's no doubt about it. My ASD worries are more for the future, whatit means for him and how difficult his life could end up being. If I could keep him at 3 forever, I wouldn't give two figs if he has ASD or not, as (excluding this one playgroup) he doesn't seem to have any difficulties elsewhere. His other milestones are on track (he was late walking at 18 months but he can jump and climb etc really well now), he was a breeze to potty train and is one of the few 3 year olds I know who is dry through the night! He eats well, sleeps well, speaks well, follows instructions, can dress himself, is a happy little soul. As I said, he's awesome, and I need to remember that before I snap at him (easier said than done, but today is a much brighter day).

Sorry bouncingraindrops I also meant to say that you're right as I know the paed is the "first port of call". They may or may not refer on to other services I guess. It's all under the neurodevelopment team umbrella, they have SALT, Ed psychs etc, but the community paed is the first one you see.

@Confusedandworried321

She did. The GP referred her straight to CAHMS. It took 3 very long years but she got her diagnosis just before she turned 10. Other DC had been referred to paed through school/ed psych and they eventually sent them to CAHMS.

You can get your DC diagnosed with any number of things if you look for enough “signs”. He sounds like a typical 3 year old. If a nursery flagged my child as abnormal because he didnt seem particularly interested in other kids, or shouted, or liked things with wheels etc etc I would roll my eyes and ignore it.

Stop trying to look for signs because you have an irrational anxiety about them. Let him be little

Thanks Derbee. I think a lot of it for me will depend on how he settles in school nursery - as the teachers and TAs are a lot more qualified than the play group staff. If he settles in ok, and doesn't struggle, seems happy, then I think I'll be a lot more confident. My DH and DM don't think there's anything to worry about with DS, and are annoyed at the playgroup staff for causing the worry. However I do understand that these days they probably have to flag anything they notice as no doubt some parents further down the lane complain, if things weren't picked up? Who knows.

I am taking a lot of the advice from this thread.

You can get your DC diagnosed with any number of things if you look for enough “signs”.

Actually this is bollocks. There was a thread on here just the other week which took a real turn due to someone suggesting this. Lots of parents may 'find' something die to looking, but experienced professionals absolutely do not diagnose life long conditions based on what the parents say alone:

You cannot simply get your child diagnosed because you have looked for things. Let's put that theory to bed right now before the thread turns nasty.

If a child does not have Autism they will NOT fulfil the criteria during assessment. Autism is NOT diagnosed because mum rocks up and said 'my kid does X/Y/Z.

I think you probably meant well with your comment, but it simply isn't true.

@Confusedandworried321 I’m glad you’re taking the advice from the thread. Parenting is hard, and there are enough things to worry about without creating your own worries!

Take what the nursery staff say with a large pinch of salt - the people close to your DC (mum, sister etc) think he’s fine - that means a lot more!

Some of the loveliest and cleverest kids I know had no interest in other kids until well into their first year of school. Everyone develops differently. When kids are doing things that I find annoying/disruptive/too messy/too time consuming etc etc I think to myself “let them be little” and it really works to restore my patience. Someone said it to me a couple of years ago, and it seemed so obvious once they’d said it. It’s a lovely rule to live by.

Good luck

Not bollocks actually. You can always read into things that aren’t there. You’re entitled to your opinion. You can force intervention and push for diagnoses that are totally unnecessary - I have seen it happen many a time with nursery and school aged children.

OP there is are quite a few children flagged up at nursery who do not have long term issues too.

I came out of the nursery teacher's assessment and wept buckets.I was told he didn't interact with other children etc etc.

Thing is I saw him being fine, if quie, in other situations. It was only the large group situations where he didnt "muck in" at all.

Far later and with a wee group of friends and always off doing different community activities we still got year upon year of teachers saying at a few months into school how they had successfully brought him round and developed his confidence .. yeah righto!

Personally I take it all with a pinch of salt and keep looking at a broader picture of development.

Good luck OP.

that should read: fine if quiet.

@Derbee

It's bollocks. Not is also incredibly distressing.

Diagnosis comes from more than 'pushing'

Please be respectful of people who do actually have an ASD diagnosis, because this is hideously dismissive of their diagnosis.

I didn't post this to get into a debate or an argument, so I won't continue regardless of how you want to prove your point, but I will ask that you consider the feelings of the lives that are affected.

You can get your DC diagnosed with any number of things if you look for enough “signs”.

No, no you can't, certainly not autism.

Robinonthefence does your DS have a diagnosis?

I do think there's a lot of "pressure" on kids young these days.

No, that was my point really that what looks like a flag to a nursery teacher may not be. It may simply be a child who does not thrive in a noisy nursery, or later on in a class of 30 competing personalities.

I do not mean parents should not seek help if there are also worries in the wider world.

Hi OP, gosh what a thread you have going on here! I wanted to say that as amazing as nursery staff can undoubtedly be, you know your child better than any of them. I'm not saying that in a derogatory way towards nursery, it is a fact, you are his mum, and I agree with another poster who said you are his world. And also, a child can flourish in a nursery that another child can really struggle with, they are all different and will suit different children. I can't really get past the issue with him wanting to 'just' play with cars or be out in the garden...that sounds like a child who is able to identify what he likes doing and also stick with the play, which sounds like a positive thing to me! Nursery will be coming from a particular view point probably, and that's totally ok, but it doesn't mean that they know everything or that you have to agree.
Many, many, many of us have anxiety and we all get angry, but we do have choice as to how we deal with this stuff. Our children copy our every move and learn from how we respond so you are doing both yourself and your children a favour if you try and pick apart some of your thought and behaviour processes.

Thanks robinonthefence I thought that's what you meant.