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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for snapping at my copycat child

192 replies

Confusedandworried321 · 08/08/2019 10:39

DS is 3.7 and sometimes copies what feels like everything I do. This morning I was making the baby's bottle, and gave it to him. Cue him doing the same for his baby doll using his toy kitchen. I then go in the shower. He follows me up and goes in the airing cupboard, pretending to shower. It sounds cute, but AIBU to find it absolutely infuriating? He literally copies me as closely as possible so his "baby" hasn't finished his milk until baby DS has. He copies my exact movements in the shower.

I snapped at him in the end this morning and told him to stop copying me.

Is this even normal? He doesn't do it all the time, and DH usually gets it more eg every time he hoovers/mows the lawn, out comes DS' little toy hoovers/lawn mowers and he's a little shadow while the jobs are being done.

OP posts:
PerfectPenquins · 08/08/2019 11:01

You need to get some professional help for your anxiety.
Apologise and hug your little boy, it was really nasty to snap at him like that.
He meant no harm at all you are so out of order.
Speak to the health visitor and let them know in case you get worse they can keep an eye on things hopefully.
Definitely get help ASAP

Enb76 · 08/08/2019 11:03

Actually, it could be an ASD trait if the copying doesn't then lead him to use his imagination as to what to do next, does he also echo what you say?

Regardless, snapping at him is not fruitful for either of you but also totally understandable. Forgive yourself - he's learning/copying social interaction and small children are actually often just annoying. Are you able to do anything about your anxiety? In the end, he is what he is and the only thing you can really control is your reaction to it.

Original poster
Confusedandworried321 · 08/08/2019 11:04

Thank you everyone I needed some harsh reality today. I have apologised to DS.

I have sought help for my anxiety and have been prescribed setraline but honestly the side effects really scare me. Most days I am fine and moving on with my life, but some days it all gets a bit much with looking after the two kids on my own.

Giving my own head a big wobble.

OP posts:
Gatoadigrado · 08/08/2019 11:09

Worrying about ASD before birth is not normal, even if their is high familial incidence.
Don’t make this about you and your anxiety. Your son deserves better.
Enjoy your child. Chat to him while he’s feeding his ‘baby’ alongside you. Talk to him about what you’re doing. Make time to play in other ways too, with toys and games, maybe sometimes suggest things like ‘why don’t you sweep the floor while I make the dinner?’if you want to encourage him to not always be exactly mirroring you.

But fgs don’t snap at him. What he’s doing is completely normal. If playgroup observe particular traits they’re only doing their job in flagging them and it may or may not lead to a diagnosis further down the line. And if it does then so what? ASD is not the end of the world, your ds sounds lovely and developing well at the moment. Please don’t damage that by making him feel he’s done something wrong

Gatoadigrado · 08/08/2019 11:10

there

Gatoadigrado · 08/08/2019 11:11

Cross Post, good that you’ve apologised and are seeking help OP

Halo1234 · 08/08/2019 11:12

YABVU. He wasnt doing anything wrong. U are going to make him timid and take away his confidence if u snap at him for playing. What did u snap at him? What he was doing was lovely and should be encouraged. Chat to him about his baby. Praise him for cutting the grass. Build him up dont snap at him. He is only little. If he is driving u mad doing it all the time then u need to either suck it up or distract him...."I love your beautiful pictures. Could u draw me one while I am in the shower?" "You are so good at tidying the books. Could you organise them while I feed sibling?" You cant snap at him. He wont u understand what he is and isnt ment to do if u snap at him for nothing.

FilthyforFirth · 08/08/2019 11:12

Why an earth would it annoy you that he has a pretend shower? I would go back to your GP as your anxiety is now having a negative affect on your son.

HollowTalk · 08/08/2019 11:12

Do you think you might have PND? Although he sounds very cute to us, is it perhaps a version of feeling all touched out?

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 08/08/2019 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oakmaiden · 08/08/2019 11:14

Funnily enough I thought "ASD trait/worry" when I read your OP. This behaviour can be very normal. It can also potentially be a pointer to ASD if the only play he engages in is copying, with no imaginative elements. If you are worried about ASD, then of course behaviour which looks a bit ASD like is going to impinge on your awareness more than it normally would.

In the end either it is normal toddler behaviour or it is a potential ASD trait. In either case he is doing what comes naturally to him, with no intention of driving you potty. I get how it could be frustrating, but you know he is doing no harm and you ought to just be letting him get on with it, really, don't you?

Funghi · 08/08/2019 11:14

Beating the OP up for snapping at her child?

Because everyone else has managed to get through 18 years without ever snapping at theirs? Hmm

minipie · 08/08/2019 11:14

Are you getting much sleep? I snap about all sorts of unreasonable things (and also get anxious) if I am sleep deprived. If you are not sleeping, a few nights off or lie ins courtesy of your DH might help a lot.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2019 11:14

Are you not taking your drugs?

It's not ok to say I behave like this due to mental illness and then not actually act to resolve that. That's not ok at all.

Your child has done nothing wrong. His behaviour is normal. Yours is not. Instead of trying to get him diagnosed you should focus on youtself first.

Oakmaiden · 08/08/2019 11:15

Also - hands up every parent of a child over the age of 4 who has NEVER snapped at the child unreasonably?

If your hand is up - either you are super human or lying.

Oldraver · 08/08/2019 11:24

Seriously ? this is how they learn

If your hand is up - either you are super human or lying. I hate this kind of shit. Of course it's possible someone has not snapped at their toddler, different folks and all that

bouncingraindrops · 08/08/2019 11:26

The time honoured 'thread isn't on my side so I'll pull out the anxiety card'; every bloody time!

And the ASD Sad

hidinginthetoiletagain · 08/08/2019 11:27

I think you're getting a really hard time on here OP. People can hugely underestimate the impact anxiety about your children's development can have on parents. Sometimes even more so in the early days when you're waiting for an assessment and terrified of the unknown. The PP is right, an ASD diagnosis is certainly not the end of the world, but not knowing and worrying is horrible.

I would imagine your feelings of frustration are just about your anxiety rather than actual 'annoyance'. Looking after two young children can be exhausting and we all have thoughts and feelings we may not be proud of.

Making somebody who is obviously very anxious about their child feel horribly guilty and telling them to 'sort themselves out' etc. is not only pretty moronic and counterproductive, but it also shows a real lack of empathy and understanding.

OP if you're finding the side effects of your current AD too much and it's been more than 6/8 weeks, it might be worth going back to your GP and trying a different one.

MarriageOfPigaro · 08/08/2019 11:29

God he sounds to adorable. You're being a it harsh OP.

Besides, Role play is excellent for Autistic children, so you should let him crack on anyway!

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 08/08/2019 11:30

OP we've all felt utterly irritated by our kids behaviour at times and I've also snapped when I've been really tired or something. I always regret it and apologise and feel like shit afterwards. But kids' behaviour is repetitive and annoying sometimes and we are human. You did the wrong thing but it's not the end of the world.

Gatoadigrado · 08/08/2019 11:31

No one here is claiming to be a perfect parent. But I doubt many parents snap at their child for just playing. And playing that is totally normal, sweet, not bothering or making demands (he’s not expecting interaction; he’s just copying the activity) ... nope I can honestly put my hand up and say I’ve never snapped at my kids for doing that

LoseLooseLucy · 08/08/2019 11:32

Yeah, I've never snapped at mine for playing or copying. Shoot me.

bouncingraindrops · 08/08/2019 11:36

Snapping at the child isn't so much the problem as the fact that you do t seem to like him very much. I mean I think we do snap at our children occasionally, but your post sounds like you absolutely resent his existence.

StarlingsInSummer · 08/08/2019 11:38

When I was worried about DS's development (due to a chromosome abnormality), one of the things they asked was whether he imitated me - they indicated it's a good sign of social development if he did.

Try not to snap at him, OP. It is very normal. I do understand being upset if you're concerned your child is displaying "odd" behaviour, because you're frightened, but don't take it out on him.

mussolini9 · 08/08/2019 11:38

I snapped at him in the end this morning and told him to stop copying me.

Oh dear, that sounds more like sibling rivalry than parent/child interaction, you must have been at the end of your tether!

Kids learn from emulation, so it's totally normal for your DC to mimic you. Not just normal - a necessary part of development. Can you pursuade yourself that the copying is a form of flattery, to help you deal with the annoyance?

In a few years, your elder child is likely to be yelling "stop copying me!" at your younger, so it's wise that you lead by example now ...

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