AIBU for snapping at my copycat child

[Confusedandworried321]

DS is 3.7 and sometimes copies what feels like everything I do. This morning I was making the baby's bottle, and gave it to him. Cue him doing the same for his baby doll using his toy kitchen. I then go in the shower. He follows me up and goes in the airing cupboard, pretending to shower. It sounds cute, but AIBU to find it absolutely infuriating? He literally copies me as closely as possible so his "baby" hasn't finished his milk until baby DS has. He copies my exact movements in the shower.

I snapped at him in the end this morning and told him to stop copying me.

Is this even normal? He doesn't do it all the time, and DH usually gets it more eg every time he hoovers/mows the lawn, out comes DS' little toy hoovers/lawn mowers and he's a little shadow while the jobs are being done.

op having ASD is not such a terrible outcome that its worth ruining your sons and your own life over.

It can't be nice to have it or have children with it and read about someone making herself sick with worry over the off chance of it!

I was you not long ago OP. I have 3 boys, one with ASD, I had crippling anxiety and a partner that works very long and unsociable hours. Its hard. So hard. Sometimes little things get to you in a way they wouldn't if you were less tired/stressed/anxious or had more support. As others have said its normal behaviour and something that can be harnessed for good. Get him to copy you prepping dinner (invest in a childs safety knife, theyre fab), laying the table, making beds, tidying toys. he can copy you loading the dishwasher or feeding the pets. You can then turn these into his jobs once hes big enough. Right now you're his idol and best friend, revel in it while you can.

Sorry you've had such a hard time on this thread, obviously only perfect parents who have never made a mistake or reached the end of their tether have replied. The line between tough love and being a cow isnt as thin as people seem to think. Serious anxiety makes everything worse and its difficult for people who haven't actually experienced it to understand and empathise. I've found that a couple of trustworthy and realistic mum friends are invaluable to have. You could find a local ASD parents group to help with this, they will be much more gentle with reality checks than MN. I hope you can have an opportunity for some R&R soon, sounds lime you need it xx

OP you're his whole world, he's going to learn everything from you (and his dad obviously). Would you rather he just sat quietly with an iPad?

What behaviour did playgroup flag up, op? How have they followed it up?

Good grief what are you going to do when he actually starts misbehaving and needs discipline, I dread to think. Yabvu

It's actually quite sweet and makes me feel a little nostalgic.

Two of my children used to do this and I'd turn it into a game by exaggerating my movements to see if they'd copy me.

One of my daughter's has Tourettes, so it was a good way of distracting her and making her focus on something else to control the tics.

Your son's just being a normal child. Make the most of it.

Sorry but yes I think you are being unreasonable. He is trying to make sense of the world through play. He's developimg and learning about what it is to be a grown up. He also has a baby sibling which can be very hard so he is probably looking for your approval by copying you too.

Children learn through copying adults! Poor kid, you need help for your problems, please don't take our frustrations on your child.

@bouncingraindrops @LoseLooseLucy

Completely missed that! Reading comprehension fail. I swear I re-read all OP's posts too.

OP, you do acknowledge you have health anxiety - have you given the Sertraline a go? I have health anxiety and found the early years with DS extremely worrying, one way or another - in my case, DS has a chromosome abnormality of unknown significance so I analysed everything he did and how quickly he reached his milestones, LOOKING for things to be wrong. DS is actually very healthy and shows no ill effects from his condition at all, and I do wish I could have seen how he is now when I was terrified as a first time mum.

Oh my god I hate this so much.
He’s playing.
My eldest has ASD and I have depression and anxiety.

You thought he had ASD before he was born and are now getting him assessed? Please get extensive counselling.

Try and find this cute, wait until they're 5 and copy everything you say and cant string a sentence together without sounding like a deranged lunatic.

Take the sertraline. The benefits far outweigh any side effects. You may feel a little groggy and nauseous for the first couple of weeks, but after that, it's fantastic. Totally helped me with my anxiety. Start taking it now if you haven't already.

I think YABU, children learn by role playing what they see adults doing. He sounds like he really looks up to you and that's why he's doing everything you do. It's a big change having a new little sibling too so this might be helping him process it.

Thank you for all the replies, whether kind or harsh. Trust me, I'm harsh on myself, especially in the evenings if I've snapped at DS.

For those saying what will I do when he's really naughty, he's 3, of course he's naughty. We use punishments/consequences relevant to what he's done, so either ignoring/natural consequences or a time out, depending. 3 has been the most testing age! Not least because I've had this to deal with.

To those asking what was flagged by play group, it started with them asking if he'd had a hearing test (which we organised, his hearing is fine). His other behaviours were:

• defiance
• not listening
• lying down to play with cars, not really showing much interest in doing much else other than playing with cars/in the garden
• shouting things in other kids' faces (I can't be certain but I think he learned this from a "friend" at his private nursery where he goes one day a week)

I was getting comments at pick up what felt like every other week, which I found really stressful given my anxiety about ASD and having a tiny newborn (this all started not long before I gave birth to Dc). I know I should have more resilience, but I didn't/don't at that time of my life. I asked his health visitor to see us, she did a SOGs and said he was fine. Said outright he wasn't autistic because "he'd be flapping". Which I know is rubbish. So I asked a different HV to see him. She said he was fine, but offered a nursery nurse to observe him at playgroup together with the original HV, and I said yes. It's on the back of that that the referral has been made. They observed him for less than half an hour and said in that time he didn't seem interested in interacting with any of the other children.

I'm absolutely torn and it's horrible, because 1 minute I'm convinced he has ASD, the next I'm convinced he's not. He goes to a private nursery one day a week and although it took him a while to settle in when he moved to the 3-5 room, he now joins in everything, behaves well and plays with children, so I really don't know what to think.

So this hasn't come from nowhere, I haven't pushed for a referral based on nothing. But I had to push as the first HV was clearly uninformed (thinking all children with ASD flap!).

Sorry posted too soon.

Interesting to hear that some think this could be an ASD behaviour, whilst most seem to think it's usual role play. I have no idea, and when we (eventually) see the paed, I will need to have some stuff to say, so I need to know what could be "not" typical. Trouble is it seems so much could be typical or not.

Sound like you should read up on child development, how do you think children learn if they don't copy the adults around them?

The number of uninformed professionals out there is scary OP. I think we've met them all...

Oh and if it's any consolation OP, nothing from your post screams autism at me, and we've lived with our autistic son for over 20 years. We suspected he was autistic when he was three because he had no social skills, very poor language skills, was totally unable to concentrate, couldn't cope with change and the behaviour he exhibited was bizarre - eg banging his head repeatedly on the floor, yelling at visitors to go away and pushing his nose up against people. But he never flapped. Your HV sounds clueless.

Well, it's typical behaviour in a child; that's how they learn. I can see how it can get to be a bore when it's constant, but the skills he learns this way may be very useful to him later on. I wonder if you've experienced people copycatting you in the past as a form of mockery, and this makes you sensitive on the subject?

I have just read your concerns about autism. Of course no one can say online without meeting him whether he might or might not have autism. But this sort of imitative behaviour does not sound like typical autism to me

This sounds sweet to me! However, I do understand why it could be frustrating - DD (almost 6) is autistic and she copies me and others constantly. Not so much with actions in the way your DS does, but for example, she'll ask my favourite flower/dinosaur/food and immediately say that it's hers too, even if she's never seen/tried it before and five seconds previously she had her own favourite. I've managed to never snap at her for it, but sometimes it does get a little much and I feel like it.
The only time she's been told off for it was when a neighbour came to the door complaining about a noise (he does this maliciously, there is no noise, he's called the police about noise while we were on holiday, he's now been warned by the housing association about harassment) and she started copying him - "yeah, I hear it too! Yeah I hear it every night!"
Me: do you hear it at granny's house too?
Her: yes!
Me: okay, then it's not The Noise-
Neighbour: this noise is coming from your house!
Her: yeah, it's only here!
After he finally left, I did snap at her. The guy ended up calling the housing saying I was lying as even my DD was kept awake by the noise - which was bs, and just her copying him. After they called me, I talked to her about it and she started stropping saying that she was only joking, and I lost my temper and snapped at her.
You're not the only one to lose your patience with the copying phase, but it does sound like you overreacted (as did I!) and it's good that you apologised. If this is how you feel regularly, maybe talk to GP about the possibility of PND.

Here come the pitchforks if someone admits in what they hope is a safe space that sometimes kids will get on your tits.

Fucking ridiculous comment upthread:
‘Sorry you've had such a hard time on this thread, obviously only perfect parents who have never made a mistake or reached the end of their tether have replied.’

Or quite possibly, parents who’ve experienced the range of emotions that come from being at home with pre schoolers, from exhaustion, to boredom, to frustration, yet still manage not to snap at their kids for simply playing

It’s far more helpful to be honest about horrible behaviour than to be little ‘yes men’ fawning all over a parent who has actually admitted that they’re wrong

I have two disabled children. You honestly don’t know how much I’d give for my sons to do this. You are incredibly lucky and you don’t even realise it.

Why do people drip feed about anxiety and ASD? Surely those issues are important and should be mentioned in the first post?

I half expect now any thread that isn’t going the OPs way to have the anxiety and ASD cars thrown in somewhere along the way.

I hope you start to feel better soon OP for both your sakes.