AIBU for snapping at my copycat child

[Confusedandworried321]

DS is 3.7 and sometimes copies what feels like everything I do. This morning I was making the baby's bottle, and gave it to him. Cue him doing the same for his baby doll using his toy kitchen. I then go in the shower. He follows me up and goes in the airing cupboard, pretending to shower. It sounds cute, but AIBU to find it absolutely infuriating? He literally copies me as closely as possible so his "baby" hasn't finished his milk until baby DS has. He copies my exact movements in the shower.

I snapped at him in the end this morning and told him to stop copying me.

Is this even normal? He doesn't do it all the time, and DH usually gets it more eg every time he hoovers/mows the lawn, out comes DS' little toy hoovers/lawn mowers and he's a little shadow while the jobs are being done.

Card not cars!

This is so upsetting. I feel so sorry for your ds. My ds is 3 and he does exactly this. Do you realise its because he's learning and doing it through copying you.

I have two disabled children. You honestly don’t know how much I’d give for my sons to do this. You are incredibly lucky and you don’t even realise it.

I think you have hit the nail on the head with regards to why people are annoyed with OP rather than being sympathetic.

I am autistic and the parent of 2 autistic children. When people go looking for these things it actually infuriated me. Ok, be aware and pick up on potential signs, but to worry about it before your child is born and the actively look for it? It just makes me so sad.

And to address a few comments about how ASD won't impact or ruin lives, and how people with ASD live happy lives etc -WTF!! Autism can and does affect people so severely they don't even talk. Let's not pretend life with autism is a walk in the park. It fucking isn't.

Crikey you snapped at him for copying you? 🤦🏻‍♀️ He’s a little child ffs.

I am sorry about the drip feed, I know how annoying it is when posters do that.

To be honest one of the reasons I did was because I wanted to see if anyone would think it could've been "typical" behaviour. As I thought if I say upfront about the concerns, then almost certainly posters would respond saying yes sounds like ASD etc (I've read probably most ASD threads on here and know it gets "blamed" for so much!).

He sounds normal. You sound on edge. Being on edge with children can be normal, we all get fed up sometimes. I'd be concerned if you find yourself irritated a lot. Unfortunately when we're irritated the kids pick up on it. You don't want to take it out on him. He's copying you because you're his role model. It's flattering, try to remember that.

Yabu but I think you know that. My son does this all the time but I recognise that it is a part of him learning. I also enjoy the fact that it us me who he enjoys copying and not his dad. So it wasn't very nice to snap at him for it. The bigger issue seems to be your anxiety and projecting on your son. See a Gp for that x

Hi OP, I think people have been outrageously harsh here, I have a 2 year old and an 11 month old and I am currently going through the "mum? Mum? Mum?" phase and I have never snapped but by christ by the thousandth time it does get wearing!

My wee man copies all the time and loves to help out, especially if we heap on the praise. He even tries to hover at nursery when they bring their henry hover out! We have to pack a light carrier with one item in it for him to carry into the house when we bring shopping in from the car otherwise he gets very upset! So I think it is very very natural that he is copying at such a young age.

Nursery can be so crap for making you question your child. My toddler threw a play brick at another child and the nursery worker went on a tangent about how she has never seen another child act like that, and how my son knows what he is doing (he is 2 years and 2 months old), because he tells the other children off for doing bad things before doing those things himself. The room lead took me aside and highlighted that his behaviour was nothing outside of the ordinary for a child his age after I confronted her about how whilst unacceptable, I did not agree his behaviour fell out of the realms of normal toddler behaviour. Ironically the same nursery sent me a text today to say my same son was bitten by another child and has a mark on his arm. Had I been a first time mother it would have been easy to have been swayed and intimidated by the nursery workers perspective of "normal".

We all feel shit when we make a parenting mistake and I can only imagine how the posts here must have compounded that feeling, but try to enjoy this time as much as possible and from one anxious mum to another, try not to worry too much about your wee man. Just love him and laugh with him and let tomorrow bring what tomorrow brings xxx

The "Mum? Mum? Mum?" phase is about him getting your attention and not knowing other conversation starters.

OP- before you know it you'll see your younger child watching and copying the older one and realise that this is a harmless phase. When he's accepting his Oscar in 30 years hopefully he'll remember to thank you for being his acting inspiration.

You've been prescribed medication that you're not taking.

Maybe if you followed medical advice you wouldn't be catastrophising about all this and making things even more stressful.

Poor child.

Do seek help for your own conditions and worry less about the probably non existent problems of your child.

Apologies if I've missed it OP, but did you say whether you'd started the sertraline or whether the side effects listed on the medication sheet have put you off from starting them?

@pikapikachu I am well aware as I also have a 15 year old in addition to my younger sons. I was emphasising with the OP that natural and normal child development doesn't always mean it can't start to wear thin, regardless of how adorable it is most of the time.

It is completely normal behaviour and YWBU for snapping but I know that sometimes when we’re not feeling our best, little things like that can be the straw that breaks the camels back and everyone snaps occasionally.

Parenting is hard, so I won’t be beating you while you’re down OP.

Vampyress- no need to take it personally. How was I supposed to know that you had an older child and knew it was normal etc

Its One of those things that is normal developmental behaviour but also an element of ASD.
I think OP probably has concerns and she knows more than we do as this is her son.

@Gatoadigrado i know swear words too but choose not to throw them around at strangers supporting somebody on the Internet. I wasnt being a 'yes man' nor was a fawning she admitted she had done something wrong and said she has since apologised. Much better to offer constructive help than to continuously bereate somebody who has realised their error and made amends.

Nonsense Aye. I quote your post: ‘obviously only perfect parents who have never made a mistake or reached the end of their tether have replied’

That’s pretty offensive to the majority on here. FWIW i offered constructive advice - I suggested the OP tries things like suggesting her ds sweeps the floor while she makes tea, and also that she chats to him while he’s copying her. I also reassured the OP (as have many others) that copying like this is a normal developmental stage and is how children learn.

However her question is whether she’s being unreasonable to snap at a 3 year old who is doing absolutely nothing wrong. He’s being a normal 3 year old and playing in a really sweet way. And yes, she’s being totally unreasonable, it’s a horrid way to treat a little child and I’m not going to sugar coat that.

I think people on this thread are being really horrible to the OP. I too was a bit puzzled until I read the update.

I worried about my child having autism and sometimes snapped at him when his behaviour caused me extra concern. The OP KNEW it wasn't good to snap. All the people who have never worried about their child's development who are castigating the OP can bugger off Especially those with NT children.

My child has profound SN. And I worried about having a child with SN before I had him, as I too suffer from anxiety. I don't think I am a worse person because of it. Actually, I think I am a better parent than those who don't have challenging behavior to deal with, day in and day out. But sometimes I snap. And sometimes I am not perfect. Those who are claiming to be perfectly calm in all their dealings with their child, well bully for you but I don't believe you

Good luck OP, hope it all works out.

I don't think anyone has claimed to be perfectly calm all the time have they?

Just sounds really mean to snap at him for copying. I have a non verbal autistic 4 year old myself who couldn't copy anything I do, btw.

She said she snapped at him, not that she shouted in his face, smacked him and locked him in his room....

I also didnt aim my post at any specific person but generally at the people who were making (in my opinion) rude comments rather than offering anything helpful. Im just pleased that people behave with a little more decorum and compassion in real life than they do on MN

I have a non verbal child who I would have been delighted if they had copied something too LoseLooseLucy.

But it doesn't stop me from compassionately understanding what happened to cause the OP to snap. And to resist putting the bloody boot into an anxious woman.

Of course snapping at children is not good, we all know that and the OP knows it too or she wouldn't have posted. I suspect that she wanted some understanding and support but she worded her OP badly for this site to provide that. Over the many years I have been here I have often noticed that MN is quite unforgiving of the wrong turn of phrase (I suppose phrasing is all we have to go on).

AyeToIndy

‘She said she snapped at him, not that she shouted in his face, smacked him and locked him in his room....’

Er yes, I think we can all read. You appear to be trying to justify snapping at a young child by suggesting all the worse things that the OP wasn’t doing. Quite bizarre.

FWIW I agree that it’s unkind to just berate someone without offering practical advice (which is why I made several supportive suggestions too.) But when a poster comes on AIBU to ask whether they are or not, I don’t see it as particularly supportive and helpful to not be honest. Thankfully in this situation the OP has realised the issue lies with her, not her son, and she’s apologised to him. Hopefully this thread will have helped her see that what he’s doing is very normal.

Well obviously autism is a spectrum. However, my twins are both autistic, diagnosed age 2, now almost 3.

They will not copy anything I do, at all. They’d have no concept of giving a baby a bottle. No concept of a baby doll. No concept of having a shower, or cooking a meal. They won’t even copy a sound, an action, sticking out their tongue... nothing at all. Absolutely nothing. And it’s absolutely devastating.

You have no idea what it would mean to me if my boys just waved back at someone. Or pointed at something they want. I’d be turning cartwheels all over the house if they copied my actions in their play - with one of them I cried with happiness recently when he played with a toy for more than 3 seconds.

So no, to me this definitely doesn’t sound anything like my experience of ASD but I can’t comment on whether it’s likely he does. Nothing you’ve said so far sounds like obvious ASD, or warranting irritation either but then I can’t imagine my kids acting this way so what do I know?

Thank you to everyone who's commented, whether sympathetic or not. I really wasn't looking for sympathy (I wouldn't have posted on AIBU if I was to be honest!) and I actually have found it helpful to be told I'm BU overall as it helps to give perspective. I think as some PP have mentioned, a 3 and a half year old suddenly seems very grown up when you have a baby as well, and I know I've probably been expecting too much of my eldest child on occasion. Although I'm certain (in fact I know for sure!) that he definitely tries to annoy me deliberately sometimes!

This has been the hardest 6 months of my life, dealing with the questions and uncertainty around my DS, who although I did worry about having ASD when he was a baby, I pushed those worries to one side when he started pointing etc just after his first birthday, and pushed them further away when his speech developed well. This is what I meant when I said I thought he was "developing beautifully until his playgroup flagged some behaviours" - he's always been a bit "quirky", for want of a better word, but due to his communication and reaching his other milestones, I really didn't think I needed to worry about ASD any more. So it has come out of the blue, and is made so much worse by the fact that it's what I've been worrying about in the back of my mind all along.

Apologies if I have offended anyone with children with ASD. I know it doesn't have to mean the end of the world, and I also know that if my DS does have it, I am lucky in that he communicates/is potty trained/sleeps etc and is interested in people and children, so would be viewed as "high functioning" so to speak. If he does, of course we will move on and learn to live with a new "normal". But I can't pretend I hope and pray he doesn't have it; as let's be frank life can be tough enough for NT people as it is.

I took the advice on this post and when DS started copying me making milk for baby DC again, I asked him what he was going to do once she'd finished her milk, and he told me park his car in the drive, proceeded to get on his ride along car and tried to put the poor baby in the boot she didn't fit so he gave up and later made me some pretend porridge which was lovely and we had enjoyed bonding over that.

His pretend play is something I've worried about as it rarely seems inventive and tends to be mainly limited/based on recent every day events eg going to the shop/farm etc, but I don't really know what the range of "normal" is for a 3 year old. It's difficult to not really know what you're supposed to be looking for when it comes to "flags"...