AIBU for snapping at my copycat child

[Confusedandworried321]

DS is 3.7 and sometimes copies what feels like everything I do. This morning I was making the baby's bottle, and gave it to him. Cue him doing the same for his baby doll using his toy kitchen. I then go in the shower. He follows me up and goes in the airing cupboard, pretending to shower. It sounds cute, but AIBU to find it absolutely infuriating? He literally copies me as closely as possible so his "baby" hasn't finished his milk until baby DS has. He copies my exact movements in the shower.

I snapped at him in the end this morning and told him to stop copying me.

Is this even normal? He doesn't do it all the time, and DH usually gets it more eg every time he hoovers/mows the lawn, out comes DS' little toy hoovers/lawn mowers and he's a little shadow while the jobs are being done.

*yellowellies

I’m sure you know that it was unreasonable to snap, but in future if the copying gets a bit much, sit down with a book, and let him copy you being still and quiet for half an hour!*

Actually, I like that advice! The children in my family grew up being avid readers, mainly because we were encouraged to be by the fact that everybody in our family read for entertainment. Our children are the same and so are most of our grandchildren.

For an ASD diagnosis you need the triad of impairments: communication, social skills and rigidity / lack of imagination. It doesn’t sound like your child has these issues so I’m unsure what exactly is making you think of autism. Unless he’s regressed then he’s doing everything they check for - pointing, talking, pretend play....

SinkGirl ASD just seems to be so complex, I guess this is why some aren't diagnosed until later childhood, teens and adulthood.

DS went through a phase this time last year of being scared of almost all loud noises and covered his ears. This lasted a few months and he's over it now, although he doesn't like hand dryers still.

He also LOVES anything that moves/with wheels. I wouldn't say obsessed (I have heard of children with ASD learning all sorts of amazing facts about their special interest, DS doesn't seem interested in this) but it's always what he seems to play with first off/most and this does seem limited. Apparently at play group, he could be encouraged toward another activity momentarily, before returning to the cars.

He makes so much noise when he's playing. Train/car/lawn mower noises, but not a pleasant choo choo, most of the time it's just this awful low hum. It's loud, and annoying, and play group complained about this a couple of times.

He apparently wasn't interested much in playing with children at his playgroup. As I mentioned in my PP this is confusing as he does apparently play with others at his private day nursery, and will approach children in the park and ask can I play with you. But I think it's the larger play group structure he didn't cope well socially in.

Yes he points, and he shares interest eg mummy look at that aeroplane/flower/rubbish truck. But does he show it as much as other children eg with the meaningful gaze? I don't know. Sometimes I think he does, other times not.

And his imaginative play - again I'm not sure it's where it should be at his age. I don't spend much time with other children his age, but I've noticed a couple of his friends seem to have quite elaborate, extensive imaginative play, all sorts of creative stuff, which he doesn't seem to do.

On his own, I think he's fine. I think it's in a group of peers that maybe he seems, different? Or behind,socially/emotionally? But I really don't know. All this has come from the points that play group flagged. They never mentioned ASD, or getting him referred, but it struck me that they see groups of 3 year olds all the time, and the things they said obviously seemed unusual to them.

On the plus side, as mentioned I've really seen him develop socially in that he'll approach strange children at the park and ask to play, and his private day nursery say he's settled in so well since he initially moved up an age group and didn't want to join in anything at the beginning. He has also recently started talking about his feelings eg I'm sad and definitely knows when I'm cross, happy etc. He's also started telling some little fibs which I understand demonstrates theory of mind.

I have a daily battle going on inside my head which makes it worse. I'd rather the certainty so I knew what I was dealing with.

It’s so cute but ya I can see why it would be irritating.

Most mums would but your not going to hear that on here. Que the barrage of mumsnet warriors telling you how wrong it is your annoyed...

He's 3 years old and he's being sweet and normal. You sound absolutely horrible, actually. I feel sorry for him.

Op you do sound a little more concerned than is normal, although anyone would be a bit worried if play group brought up this type of issue and there is no harm in having some advice from an expert. But if he did have some kind of SN then you would need to be calm, understanding and tolerant so getting irritated and upset by any behaviours is the opposite of what you need to be doing. So either way getting some more help for your anxiety is important and I think you need to focus on that. I have read that obsessively research symptoms is a big mistake if you suffer from health anxiety, you might think it will help to be informed but it will actually increase and drive your anxiety. You need to leave it to the experts while working on managing your anxiety and looking after yourself.

Thank you Teacakeandalatte and you're absolutely right (I had CBT after the birth of DS1, I was worried about autism then. He was 4 months old!) and it's a "safety" behaviour, searching for reassurance but of course never finding it because google boxer delivers good news. Then it's a vicious cycle. I try not to google, but it's almost an addiction.

What I would really like is to be referred for CBT again. I didn't think it helped at the time but I think in the end it did. It didn't seem to be an option this time though, the only option I was given was meds, which I've never been keen on the idea of. I guess that goes to show how underfunded the NHS is just now.

*Never delivers good news

Interestingly OP a lot of your sons behaviour is very different to my DS who was diagnosed with ASD when he was 7, (looking back it was blindly obvious but I never really accepted there was a problem until he hit yr1 and I couldn’t deny it any more) but at 3 my son would never have engaged in the copying play you describe, or played with/interacted with children in any way!

Also, just to clear up a common misconception ‘lack of imagination’ in relation to ASD relates to social imagination and inflexible thinking - which is the resistance to change/insistence on sameness, it absolutely doesn’t mean that people with ASD don’t have imaginations/creativity!

My son used to spend hours in his own make -believe worlds. (Still does to be fair !)

He seems perfectly normal to me. Ds1 was obsessed with toy cars and rarely played with anything else at playgroups. He also didn't really interact with other children at playgroups but did at 1 to 1 playdates. He hates pretend play.
Ds2 loves pretend play. Pretending to be a cat or having his teddy talk to him or serving us food. He has a best friend and certainly plays with other children he knows or in the park. He doesn't seem to approach children at playgroup.
Both hate noisy hand dryers. Ds1 went through a phase of being terrified of flies buzzing in the house.
Both are completely typical. Just different personalities.
You seem abnormally hung up on the asd.
To be honest, I would love if my two just followed me around copying me and cleaning. Instead they spend their time whinging that the other has the toy they want/ whinging they want me to play bloody post office with them or making a bloody mess as soon as my back is turned.

He's really small, OP. You're his hero, and he's learning how to navigate the world by copying you. I think snapping at him is really unfair.

I identify as being ‘childfree’ and must admit am puzzled by your post...this sound like quite cute & social type of learning type behaviour. Why even have children if such a small thing is bothersome to you? this must be one of the strangest parenting relating gripes have ever read on this forum. I feel genuinely sorry for your kid who must idolise his mum & dad to imitate them & getting yelled at for trying to ‘help’ out.

OP maybe the playgroup isn't working for him? It sounds like things are going better at the nursery? He sounds just like my 3yr old, also drives me nuts sometimes, so I have to tell myself he is just learning. My mental health really took a beating right after ds2 was born - absolutely terrified of spiders all of a sudden - so I can understand the anxiety completely. Well done on handling the responses on your thread so well, I hope you take the constructive bits to heart.

arabelladoreenfig of course sorry, I did know it's the lack of social imagination. Although I don't think I fully understand what social imagination is!

It's lovely that your DS is so creative. If my DS is diagnosed I imagine he will be close to 7 to be honest as the process where I am is very very slow (around 2 years). And the wait for the first appointment is almost a year (we are expecting to see the community paed sometime in April). I hope your DS is getting on ok.

stayawayfromitsmouth just to clarify, play group is his state play group (I guess others might call it nursery, I call it play group to differentiate, because he also goes to a private day nursery one day a week), where he went 3 mornings a week for the last academic year (he was just over 2 and a half when he started, although I didn't get any feedback about him at all until just after he turned 3). So not the church type "stay and play" play groups where the parents stay. He will be going to school nursery in September, which I'm very nervous about as the classes are really big.

Yes the hand dryer thing is very common apparently. I'm not worried about that as such. Or about any of the concerns I listed in isolation, it's more the combination, and the fact that the play group staff clearly thought it was worth flagging to me. The health visitor and community nurse made the paed referral based on the fact that he didn't seem interested in interacting with other children during their observation, together with the awful low hum he was doing whilst playing with cars, and the feedback from the players group staff. So it's a combination of factors rather than one.

But I absolutely am going to embrace the fact that he wants to copy looking after a baby/cleaning etc, as a mum of two boys I'm so keen to avoid any gender stereotypes about the mum being the one to do all domestic chores and childcare. I always make a point of saying oh you're being daddy DS name when he is looking after his baby, rather than mummy etc.

Tbh, you seem overly obsessed with getting your DS diagnosed. I find that quite worrying.

Nothing you have said is in any way familiar to me as a parent of a child with ASD.

You really need to start taking your meds

Thanks for your kind comments confused

Have a look at autism.toolbox.co.uk its a very useful website and I think it explains things well, it always helps me to read up on things.

The SN board here is a good place too.

I also forgot to add on my last post :

Don’t beat yourself up for snapping at your DS, everyone reaches the end of their tether at some point, the important thing is that you said sorry. Being a mum is the hardest thing you will ever do and you are doing a great job, I promise !!

Very normal behaviour but very irritating at times. When I'm stressed in the mornings trying to get everyone's breakfasts and packed lunches ready, my 4 year old likes to follow me around and imitate what I'm doing, I've tripped over her a few times and found myself snapping at her not to follow me! Or at least not follow so closely she gets under my feet.

At least he's giving you a bit of space and not demanding attention or making a mess (or drawing on walls!)

I totally get it's annoying, and testing on the patience. I agree with some other posters though, you should suck it up.

His intentions are purely playful and innocent. The only thing he'll learn from the snapping is that he is an inconvenience and his behaviour/ opinion of himself will eventually follow suit.

Ywbu but you probably know that, I've probably unreasonably snapped at my dc about 40 times yesterday. They are a bit older and it's been a long old summer holiday.

my best memory is ds putting the jacket potatoes in the oven, just like mummy,

when ds was a toddler in the play kitchen, he was saying "I am just doing the washing up"
ha ha, just like his poor mum

How awful of you, your poor child. He loves, trusts and probably idolises you so feels safe in his attempts to learn from you by copying in this way. It isn't him that sounds abnormal, it's you!

I can't speak to the chances of add being a possibility, but my now 8 year old loves cars when he was 3, would play with them for hours, line them up, colour code them and make loud noises while playing with them. He was also 3.5 when his brother was born so a similar dynamic.

He is not ASD at all but has never engaged in imaginative play, although he is quite good a writing stories. He is very logical and loves science, maths etc. It was obvious when he was younger and his friends were creating these elaborate worlds, he would just look a bit bemused!

I think some children are just more imaginative than others, but in and of itself it doesn't mean much.

Your ds sounds like a totally and utterly normal little child, OP. You already know that the worrying about ASD and obsessing over his behaviour is your issue not his. All the best in getting the help you need for your anxiety.