To think that parenthood gets harder as time goes on

[DannyWallace]

Ok, so my first is only 6 months old, and this is semi light hearted, but am I the only one who thinks this bit is waaaaay harder than the newborn bit....and I can only see it getting harder!

Everyone told me about the newborn stage. I was prepared for the cluster feeds, I batch cooked and I had my husband at home. Yes I was sleep deprived but every morning I was up and showered and feeling half decent. Even when my husband when back to work my baby would basically feed then sleep....ok it was constant but those wee sleeps got me through.

Now I have a baby who is sooo close to crawling. She's moving all over the place. She's massively fighting sleep so getting her to nap isn't easy. And she often wakes in the middle of the night (so I wouldn't say I'm getting more sleep). She notices when I leave the room and shouts for me until I'm back, so I even have to rush a pee 😂. She rarely cries to be honest (really only when she needs to sleep but won't 🙈).
It's so hard to find time to have a shower, cook a meal, walk the dogs etc, but everyone seems to think that because we're past the newborn stage I should be a bit more organised. Luckily my DH is great, but he works long hours. We're a forces family so no family close by.

AIBU to think that this bit is way harder than the newborn bit.
I absolutely adore being a mum, and I know that I definitely have it easier than many others, but my friend is visiting just now and I'm so happy as it means I can shower every morning 😂😂.

Just,

In my experience it was post 18 ( as other people have mentioned ) when I really started to feel the strain.
My teenagers were 'model' -no drink , drug, or other issues .
GCSEs and A levels were tough - keeping them supported . They were high achievers but that seemed to make things worse - there was a lot of pressure .Demanding university courses and breakups / mental health problems were the issues post 18.
I have 4 girls though.
Also after nearly 30 years of parenting you do want a sabbatical !

*WhyTho

This was me as a teen and I did grow out of it!

What are all your teenagers up to?!

Well where do I start..
mine have all had a lovely upbringing even if i was on my own to do it but they all got 13 and it's all gone to shit.

Dd17 although didn't do too bad with her grades (she absolutely despised school and I didn't think she would do well) since leaving school I've had to help her through a very difficult breakup with a boyfriend and then all of her best friends ditched her. I had to drag her to the doctors and she's been on anti depressants for 8 months. She's not a bald girl and is very caring and loving but the last 12 months have drained me and I'm on anti depressants myself now.

Ds16 is an introvert and you don't get much out of him. But for 2 years I've had to battle with him over smoking weed. There's been the fights when he's been grounded over it and phone confiscated. I never dreamed that my loveable quiet little boy would turn out like this.

Dd14 atm is staying with her father and his family. The father that didn't see or speak to her for 9 years and is an abusive arsehole. She got in contact with him last year and I've had nothing but trouble with him since then. She doesn't want to live with us anymore and would rather be there but because of her schooling here she needs to stay here. It's caused a divide in the house (because her siblings don't have anything to do with him and they can't understand why she would want to) so there's constant arguments and fights amongst them. She also bunks school a lot and is always in trouble.

I swear when the 3 of them were under 3 it was so much easier. Physically exhausting yes but mental exhaustion is worse imo.

Disclaimer: mine are only 7 and 4 so no experience of tween or teenagers. And they are boys, if that makes a difference.

But I understand OP - I didn't find the newborn stage easy at all, but I think I actually found 6 - 12 months harder, as they were expected to start "getting" sleep and they didn't at all! I was prepared to be knackered initially but got a bit pissed off when my eldest was still waking up every 90 minutes at 8 months.

I've enjoyed it much more since the 12 month point. They start communicating and I find toddlers more engaging. I'm enjoying their current ages most of all so far. It may well all go to pot once they get to 9/10/11, but for the moment, it's definitely better either than the newborn stage or the rest of the baby/early toddler years. Hang in there!

The challenges are different at every stage and it depends on your personal strengths and weaknesses and the type of child you have, which you find hardest. I absolutely cannot cope without sleep. I become a crying depressed, shrieking harpy. With a baby that didn't sleep I really really struggled. He turned into a whirlwind toddler who would not sit still for a second and I mean that literally { he eventually got an ADHD and ASD diagnosis)but that phase was fine compared to the baby years for me.

He had a tough time in primary school and secondary school. Despite.the difficulties with him and the physical exhaustion of the toddler years, along with constant worry about his.behaviour and future, nothing compared for me with the difficulty I.had dealing with his first 8 months .
For me it has got more challenging in a lot.of.ways but I can cope if I get enough sleep. None of it drives me to the suicidal despair I felt when he was a.constant crying non sleeping baby.

So my answer is it depends ..

What are all your teenagers up to?!

My teens/YA are all great. They aren't out there causing trouble or anything like that. They are lovely. No drink or drug issues etc. They can get moody but that doesn't bother me. I don't care if their room is a mess etc.

However, one has had a rough time of it due to no fault of his own. Nothing has been easy for him for quite some time. MH issues and work bullying/discrimination have been a massive issue. He has mild LD and is still quite young in his ways, trying to navigate adult life. He still needs a lot of guidance.

Two of them have just had relationships end. It's like heartbreak hotel right now.

They have family issues on their deceased father's side that causes a lot of hurt.

I could go on... they are great people, and in no way could be described as 'terror teens'. But I still find it emotionally tough. My 20 year old's situation is just awful and I wish he was little again so I could protect him.

I do love lots of parts of having older children though.

Don’t get me wrong-I love having adult children. They are amazing people and they make me laugh and be proud and happy. But I still find it much harder than any other stage. Even the sleepless nights stage. At least with those sleepless nights you have them in your arms and you know they are safe and well.

I think U2 hits the nail on the head . You can usually fix the problems of younger children .
Heartbreak and mental health even money worries , not so much .

I’m loving it now DS is 16 and has left school. We have great chats and he is actually pleasant to be around. The baby stage was tough when he was up several times a night for a feed and when he was a young child, probably 4-6, waking me at 4.30am with ‘can we go to the park now?’

Err, NO!!

Bertrand , I agree and my experience is similar to yours.
Definitely the hardest stage once they are 'grown'

Maybe itsme - I'm old and running out of energy .
But it's also that the issues you grapple with are so much bigger and intractable .
Maybe my parents had the right idea - leave them to it ( I don't really mean that but I do think about it sometimes !)

At least when your DC are older, you get your own freedom back. You can go out for the evening without needing a babysitter. You can work without having to consider childcare. You can holiday without them.

Having very young children is like being held hostage.

Sadly, I didn't have that feeling that I could protect dd when she was little. I think I was a good parent and confident as parents go, but there were things I couldn't sort. Feeding problems as a baby, later chronic disorder that took a long time to diagnose, chronic pain, history of falling and injuring herself, me and dh suspected of abusing her or causing her symptoms by Munchausen by proxy, fear that school would break her through the constant reinforcement that a sick disabled child just wasn't good enough, investigated by SS and constant fear of saying the wrong thing and messing up for her.

I feel a lot safer now that she is in charge.

5 years ago, I thought I was moving into old age, the backlash from the years of struggle hit so bad I never thought I would get my strength back. Now I am full of energy and restarting my career.

Newborn is exhausting but I loved it. Toddlers are hard work; they’re big enough to be running around, but still too small to really listen or understand. Once they get to school age I think it really gets easier. You can reason with them better, begin to share interests, and their personalities develop more. Teens and preteens are great! You can get a proper lie in again, you don’t need a babysitter every time you want to leave the house, and you get genuinely interesting conversations.

My 9and 6 year old are annoying the crap out of me today with the ir answering back and niggling but it's still my favourite age so far!

I found the baby months after the newborn years to be the hardest...who knew I wasn't really a "baby person"!
I loved the toddler years because they could talk to me properly, and do small things on their own. Also, once they both slept thru the night, that made life better. My dcs are now 13 and 11, and I've found the last 2 or 3 years the easiest...they are more independent and they don't need me to entertain them as much. I feel like I'm being set up though lol...like it's the calm before the storm, and the teenage years are going to kick me in the teeth!😁

Definitely depends on the child.

DC1 was a dream baby (sleeping 11pm-6am from 10 weeks) was really easy going, easy to entertain, and generally just an easy and amenable baby. He is 6 now and we have our moments but on the whole he is still very similar in temperament. He is a very academic, quiet and thoughtful child but stubborn as a mule.

DC2 was very high needs. From day 1 she was clingy, cried non stop, fed non stop and was a really different proposition. She was diagnosed with CMPA at 11 months grew out of it by age 2 but again she has followed the same "curve" in that she has always needed a lot of time and attention. She is 4, just about to start school and is as bright as a button. She is eloquent, smart, always on the move and will give anything a go!! She doesn't stop talking, ever.

DC3 is globally delayed, registered disabled and has a rare genetic condition. Her condition meant she was a very docile baby (she had neither the strength or energy to be a high needs baby, bless her) but medication, physio, a good medical team means she is thriving and I see elements of both my older DC in her. She'll have SEN and is completely non verbal at 19m but she is her own boss and has a fiery little temper.

I have two. My first was a delight, and I mean a complete angel baby! My second is seriously hard work. Since the 6 weeks holidays began they have been constantly fighting and arguing, they are 5 and 2. The 5 year old has developed the attitude of a teenager. Today for example, I am going insane. By the time oh gets in from work I will be psychotic

I have a 1 year old that has been walking since 10 months, ohhh how I long for the newborn days. She's a whirlwind of terror that doesn't sleep. I am exhausted.

Yes babyhood was hard but manageable - nothing could have ever prepared me for the absolute shit show that has been the teenage years (eldest now 17). Youngest DD is 9 and has been told with an unwavering stare that she will be sent to live in France with Grandad if she pulls ANY of the shit that her elder sister did!

I have a 14 month old and she wants access to EVERYTHING. And she's so fast, even though she's not walking yet. I can blink and she's halfway up the stairs. She thinks she is HILARIOUS.

My DS is nearly five and autistic and is currently running full pelt up and down my hallway joyfully recanting whole episodes of Sarah and Duck.

Both happy and full of beans, both bloody EXHAUSTING.

UANBU OP, 6 months- 3 years is a hard stage. Constantly having to watch them etc.

We're at the 4 years - 12 years stage now and it's great...They have a bit of sense and are able to do more for themselves. I'm enjoying this in case the teenage years are worse

Definitely depends on the child.

Yup. Mine was quite hard work as a baby and toddler, but progressively got easier and turned into a lovely teenager.

Super,
4-12 is a lovely stage .

I find all this ‘just you wait, you have it so easy now’ stuff so patronising and annoying!! It’s not helpful. Every stage is hard for different reasons and I honestly think a lot of people forget what it’s been like before. I haven’t slept a good night’s sleep in a year and some days would give anything for a teenager who sleeps til noon.