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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend keeping secret that he won £25k gambling ...

245 replies

YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 01:07

Coming on here for opinions on whether I am being unreasonable or not...

I have been with boyfriend for 2 years, living (renting) together for one of those. We have been saving for a house. He already earns significantly more than me (6 figures), I earn not even a quarter what he does. We've both been saving equally for the house. He hasn't insisted that I pay an equal share, he is happy to put in more than me when the time comes to it, but I really want this to feel like an equal venture. I have been working my arse off, doing 2 jobs, and I am just about to start a third. My goal is to save £15k towards the house.

On his phone earlier we were scrolling through his photos and he quickly shut the app down once we got to a certain set, became very cagey about his phone. He's never done this before and I did find it suspicious. I am ashamed as I have never done this before, but I have gone back on the photos app since he has gone to bed. I noticed a withdrawal on a betting site for £25k. I know he dabbles in gambling from time to time but wasn't sure whether a withdrawal meant he had won the money or had paid that into it. I am completely naive to any of this, and I don't like gambling. It turns out he has won £25k.

I was obviously shocked and stunned, I then went onto his WhatsApp and he has had a conversation with a friend of his (who also gambles). He has said in the conversation that he doesn't want me to know because I will expect him to put some of his winnings towards our house Sad. He also owes one of his family members a significant amount of money and said he doesn't want to tell me as I will encourage him to pay the family member back.

I have never asked him for money, and always tried to pay my way. Whenever he has paid for expensive things I have always offered the money back, but he has told me to put it into our savings. He is generally a very selfless, kind and generous man. He has paid for expensive things and is never a shirker or tight with money. I love him and share everything with him, and I thought the same of him.

I understand if he wants to keep the money for himself, but I don't like the secrecy and assumption I will demand he spends the money in a certain way. I've never asked him for money and I am running myself ragged trying to save up which he is very aware of. I also feel it makes me look like an idiot and fool in front of his best friend who knows all about this. I also feel partly upset, because if I had a massive windfall like this, I would be over the moon it could mean we would buy our house faster, get a nicer house etc. I would be thinking of it as 'our' money. I've told him that when we move in I am happy for us to have a contract stating we have both put 'X' in. I am by no means a money grabber. That does hurt me a little, but more so the fact he is keeping it a secret from me but happy to tell his friends.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 07/08/2019 01:14

He's a gambler, and a big one if that's a sum he's won.
He doesn't want you to know about the money because he has a separate account/large sum of money that he uses for betting.
He might be very good at it, and often win. But for much of the time, he will lose. If I was being kind, I'd say that he was aware of that and so wants to keep some money separate that he can lose without stressing about your reaction. But probably he doesn't want you to know how much he's betting/wants to bet/needs to bet so therefore he would prefer that you never know about it.

I come from a gambling family. My brother is the person I love most on this earth but I could not marry a gambler. Your life will be ruined by money, debt and secrecy if you marry this man. Just ask my SIL.

chickenyhead · 07/08/2019 01:17

Agree with pp 100%

Skittlenommer · 07/08/2019 01:17

It’s very soon to be saving for a house after only two years together and you moved in together after only a year? What’s the rush?

I guarantee overall he’s lost more than he’s won if he’s a regular gambler! The house always wins.

Original poster
YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 01:19

Thank you @LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett. I did think he must be gambling thousands to win that much. I know nothing about gambling so your insight is well received. He is good with money in a sense of always having our bills paid, not in debt or overdraft. Always has a good sum left over at the end of the month. He does earn a lot so he has more disposable income than me. I am concerned that he might have a problem or addiction though. Having been with an addict in the past (not gambling) I would not stay with him should this be the case.

OP posts:
Motoko · 07/08/2019 01:20

Ooh, this isn't good. You've got 2 problems there, the relationship problem on his side, he knows what he's doing is wrong and doesn't want you to have a go at him.

And the other problem is the gambling. He must have deposited a fair bit to win that. Being with a gambler is bad news.

HUZZAH212 · 07/08/2019 01:24

Unless he invests alot of time in match betting and had a very very lucky accumulator win - then he's a gambler. My ex was a gambler with debt to the tune of 80k+ and had to sell his home to clear it. He continued to bet. Do not tie yourself financially to someone who will cripple you and leave you with nothing but a wake of debts.

Breastfeedingworries · 07/08/2019 01:26

Over the years I bet he’s lost double/Triple that. You know it’s bad when they aren’t even happy or desperate to tell everyone. That won’t seem a lot of money to him compared to what he’s lost, I’m betting he sinks it all trying to win 100,000. 🤷🏼‍♀️

My friends dating a gambler she’s miserable, like your dp he pays all the bills ect, But Unlike yours hers has nothing extra left over. I think he’s been at it longer and just puts everything he can into it.

Yours mind end up the same way eventually. Sad

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 07/08/2019 01:28

He earns 6 figures, manages to save and pay for expensive things but owes a family member money?

Original poster
YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 01:28

I have seen him on slot machines on his phone before and I know he has done football betting. He did take my phone once and deposit £20 into a site from my account (which I swiftly told him to stop). He apologised immediately and handed my phone back. I feel like an idiot now as this is obviously a massive red flag.

I have only ever seen him gambling small amounts, a couple of quid at most. The website he won the money on appears to be a slot machines style website, so not matched betting or accumulators.

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 01:30

He borrowed a large amount from the family member before he got the well paid job. Prior to that he was not paid half as much. So he had to borrow a significant amount to get a deposit for his old flat, a car to commute etc. He does pay the family member back in the region of a few hundred pounds a month.

OP posts:
CrispbuttyNo1 · 07/08/2019 01:34

I'm not much of a gambler but I won a jackpot on bingo of several thousand pounds a few years ago so it doesn't mean he's necessarily spending fortunes. He could have had a really lucky big win.

But its a bit odd that he didn't want to share this news with you.

akmum18 · 07/08/2019 01:37

I’m going to echo other posters, this won’t end well. I’m guessing he has a secret addiction and this will eat into your house and marriage plans whether mentally or financially. Think long and hard. If it were me I’d be done just from the secrecy alone. You need to protect yourself from possible problems in the future - what if he gambles all of your savings/ house deposit behind your back? What if the gambling lies increase? Sneaking around Etc. Sorry to put a downer on it but after years of being with a gambler in the past I now always worry for women in the same position.

Original poster
YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 01:38

But its a bit odd that he didn't want to share this news with you.

Exactly. I could almost understand it more if he told nobody and kept it to himself. The fact he has told his friend(s) and said he wants to keep it secret from me is upsetting.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 07/08/2019 01:40

He’s a gambler who won big and his instinct is to keep it secret from you and from the family member that helped him out with money.

I’d put £5 on the fact that he will gamble that 25k, and more, away pretty quickly.

Even if you take everything else away - he has money and he owes money and his first instinct isn’t to pay back his relative. That is deeply unattractive

Time40 · 07/08/2019 01:41

He's a gambler, and a big one if that's a sum he's won

Not necessarily. I'm a member of a gambling site that has big jackpots for low-stakes games. It's not likely, but it's possible.

Original poster
YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 01:41

I think I will have to split up from him. The secrecy is what has upset me the most, it has also made me concerned that he might have a problem with gambling. I would be itching to tell him, excited at all the things we could do with the money in terms of our deposit, house etc. He should also know me enough that I wouldn't push him into anything, as I said I am not a money grabber and have never, ever given him that impression. We also have plans with his friends on the weekend which I also don't want to do as I feel like an idiot around them now.

OP posts:
managedmis · 07/08/2019 01:42

Curtains for me.

Original poster
YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 01:43

Even if you take everything else away - he has money and he owes money and his first instinct isn’t to pay back his relative. That is deeply unattractive

It is. It actually says a lot about me really - he doesn't want to tell me as I will encourage him to pay the family member back!

OP posts:
managedmis · 07/08/2019 01:44

The fact he has told his friend(s) and said he wants to keep it secret from me is upsetting.

^
Quite simply, he puts gambling /money above you.

Move on OP, he's not worth it.

HUZZAH212 · 07/08/2019 01:44

He's telling his friends because it feeds into the addiction/excitement (look at my big win!). He's not told you because you'll start asking uncomfortable questions. Ex won 7k on a casino style 'quick win' site and it was all gone within a few days. That's the reality.

managedmis · 07/08/2019 01:46

I have been working my arse off, doing 2 jobs, and I am just about to start a third. My goal is to save £15k towards the house.

^^

Whilst he earns six figures?

Yeah, he's horrid.

Original poster
YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 01:49

*Whilst he earns six figures?

Yeah, he's horrid.*

I've worked that much through choice, because I want to contribute as much as I can. I want it to feel like 'our home'. A joint venture. He has never been tight with money. Before I applied for the 3rd job he offered to deposit the salary into my account from his own money if I was short. He is a very generous man, he probably pays things 75/25 if I am honest.

That's why this has come as a massive shock.

OP posts:
HUZZAH212 · 07/08/2019 02:05

Have you seen his bank statements OP? If there's a lot of gambling activity it will screw your chances of a mortgage anyway. Obviously not the odd flutter but if there's large sums going in and out to gambling sites. Obviously beyond any of that there's the trust issue which has now been totally destroyed.

HennyPennyHorror · 07/08/2019 02:06

I was in a relationship with a gambler for 3 years and they're just awful. Lies, lies, lies. It's like heroin addiction.

He spent and spent....then when he had a biggish win he buggered off abroad with his brother and spent it all despite owing thousands to other people which I knew nothing about.

he played online poker.Best thing I ever did dumping him.

WipeYourFeetOnTheRhythmRug · 07/08/2019 02:15

The secrecy, the gambling, the debt ... no way do you want to get any deeper into this one. Cut your losses before you're tied to him.