Boyfriend keeping secret that he won £25k gambling ...

[YellowSunflowers123]

Coming on here for opinions on whether I am being unreasonable or not...

I have been with boyfriend for 2 years, living (renting) together for one of those. We have been saving for a house. He already earns significantly more than me (6 figures), I earn not even a quarter what he does. We've both been saving equally for the house. He hasn't insisted that I pay an equal share, he is happy to put in more than me when the time comes to it, but I really want this to feel like an equal venture. I have been working my arse off, doing 2 jobs, and I am just about to start a third. My goal is to save £15k towards the house.

On his phone earlier we were scrolling through his photos and he quickly shut the app down once we got to a certain set, became very cagey about his phone. He's never done this before and I did find it suspicious. I am ashamed as I have never done this before, but I have gone back on the photos app since he has gone to bed. I noticed a withdrawal on a betting site for £25k. I know he dabbles in gambling from time to time but wasn't sure whether a withdrawal meant he had won the money or had paid that into it. I am completely naive to any of this, and I don't like gambling. It turns out he has won £25k.

I was obviously shocked and stunned, I then went onto his WhatsApp and he has had a conversation with a friend of his (who also gambles). He has said in the conversation that he doesn't want me to know because I will expect him to put some of his winnings towards our house . He also owes one of his family members a significant amount of money and said he doesn't want to tell me as I will encourage him to pay the family member back.

I have never asked him for money, and always tried to pay my way. Whenever he has paid for expensive things I have always offered the money back, but he has told me to put it into our savings. He is generally a very selfless, kind and generous man. He has paid for expensive things and is never a shirker or tight with money. I love him and share everything with him, and I thought the same of him.

I understand if he wants to keep the money for himself, but I don't like the secrecy and assumption I will demand he spends the money in a certain way. I've never asked him for money and I am running myself ragged trying to save up which he is very aware of. I also feel it makes me look like an idiot and fool in front of his best friend who knows all about this. I also feel partly upset, because if I had a massive windfall like this, I would be over the moon it could mean we would buy our house faster, get a nicer house etc. I would be thinking of it as 'our' money. I've told him that when we move in I am happy for us to have a contract stating we have both put 'X' in. I am by no means a money grabber. That does hurt me a little, but more so the fact he is keeping it a secret from me but happy to tell his friends.

AIBU?

That’s a very tough situation op.

He’s a liar, probably a heavy gambler and obviously doesn’t think very much of you.

Honestly I would cut your losses. Lots of lovely people out there who won’t treat you like this.

Are your savings in separate accounts or a joint one ?

If this were me, the relationship would be over. The gambling alone would make me leave. The unkind comments about me, borrowing money with mo intent to repay and keeping secrets about money are the icing on the cake

Apart from the gambling issue, I don't think any good comes of being with a partner who makes up bad things about you to tell their friends.

Putting aside the gambling and the lying, OP, another thing that gives me concern is this

We've both been saving equally for the house. He hasn't insisted that I pay an equal share, he is happy to put in more than me when the time comes to it, but I really want this to feel like an equal venture

You are absolutely right wanting it to be an equal venture. I wouldn't trust him saying he is fine about putting more into the house than you. Not with all the other stuff into the mix. There shouldn't be an unequal balance of power.

OP get out while you still can.

@Rubyrubyrubyrhubarb Like you I'm married to an addict. It's been hell. Lies and deceit, debt and pain no matter how much I tried to "help" and some 6 years in, I'm now in the process of getting divorced. Yes it is an illness, but the partners of addicts have to think of themselves and understand what enabling is and detach with love where there is active addiction. I thought I was helping, I was in fact enabling a sustained and financially devastating addiction. As the partner of an addict you will also know that your story is exceptional. Many addicts do not make it into sustained recovery. It is a progressive disease. Far from chastising the OP for snooping, you should be pleased for her that she has discovered the truth. It is likely that addiction is an issue here. Trust flies out the window where addiction is present and the normal rules in relationships do not apply. I am pleased that your life is back on track. Mine has been ruined. You are lucky. Please choose your words carefully when advising others - the OP is in a very difficult place and your advice is not helpful at all.

The gambling alone would put me off staying with him, the lying is an absolute deal breaker.

YABVU for going through his phone.

It's absolutely acceptable on MH to spy on partners - in fact it's encouraged - but in real life, to normal people, it's completely wrong.

I don't in any way condone your partner's behaviour but if you find it necessary to invade his privacy like you have then you should end the relationship as there's no trust.

You can't ever undo what's happened - you've both betrayed each other.

I wouldn’t confront him until you’ve moved the money you have out of the joint account. Make up a plausible excuse like finding a bank that’ll pay more interest so that will help the money grow faster, etc.

I’m not one for ghosting people but I wouldn’t even bother confronting him until you have all your ducks in a row and ready to leave including possibly a new place to live.

I know, I know, fighting secrecy with secrecy sounds awful but I say this so you can avoid the mental manipulation he’ll likely pull in order to get you to stay. If all your next steps are arranged, you can just say “No. I’ve made up my mind.” and the shuffle the f*ck on out of there without being susceptible to emotional blackmail. The point is to extricate yourself quickly.

First thing: get that money moved away from him.

Second: look at alternative living options whether renting by yourself, moving into a place with a roommate or returning to your parents. You could probably save up quickly by living with your parents for a bit.

Third: tell him you’re leaving and why. Trust issues, lying, etc. I almost wouldn’t focus on the paying debts stuff because that’s what he’s expecting you to say and is supposedly the root of the secrecy. No, not the gambling of course. 🙄 Plus, you even told us that the lying and broken trust are what counts to you.

Optional Fourth: try to find a new job that pays more if possible. That’ll go a long way to helping you buy a new home.

Also: ignore the troll. No good can come from engaging with that person!

I think you're 'lucky' you've discovered this before too many commitments have been made. His gambling addiction combined with his utter disrespect, even I'd say despisal of you, is too much to keep going on this. So sorry OP. This will come back to haunt you if you stick it out (even if he does to be sorry).

Aww im sorry to hear what's happened but it's probably for the best to get rid. Staying with a gambler, all the secrets and lies doesn't bode well. Good luck to you xx

Morning. We've made a few deletions on this thread for personal attacks and trollhunting. Hopefully things will get back on track now. And as always, if you have any concerns about a poster or posts, please hit the report button to let us know and we'll take a look.

The secrecy and assumption that you’d want his money would have me packing my bags.

Yes leave you don't want to be tied to a gambler!

This man is a financial train wreck.

He already owes a family member a "significant amount of money" and is lying his way around his dealings.

Do not get further involved with this man- espcially on a financial level unless you want to be part of the wreckage.

Op, with a gambling addict it never ends well. Never. You need to get out now, before you look back in a few years when you've lost your home and everything else, wondering how the hell it came to this.

I'm so sorry he's not turned out to be 'the one' lass.

I hope you can get to a place of your own and start to heal from this soonest.

@YellowSunflowers123 I know exactly how you feel — I was in the same position (although i discovered my fiancé was 90k in gambling debt) three months before our wedding. He actually told me, but only because he had to.

Please don’t feel stupid for not seeing the flags. I was so naive; I’d rung the bank about meeting to discuss buying a house (was living with ex in his house), and they went through a load of questions then said I should discuss it with my partner...turns out he’d missed three mortgage payments. He earned three times as much as me, and I scrimped to pay half of everything because — like you — I wanted to pay my way. Said there’d been a mix-up when he changed bank accounts and I believed him.

Our puppy ripped open a letter one morning. It was from Bet365, with a list of seven credit cards and the amounts spent...ex told me there’d been some fraudulent activity on his cards and they were sorting it out. And I believed him again.

He gave me some paperwork to sign about changing mortgage lenders and putting my name on it. I believed him...turned out he was adding 25k onto the mortgage for a dead cert on the stock market. It had all been lost within a week.

The gambling went hand in hand with heavy alcohol use, and then the violence started. I went with the in sickness and health nonsense; he said he’d stop, get help for everything, deal with his anger issues...two months after we got married he became very violent one night and ended up throwing a huge cast iron lantern at my head while I was in bed...it made a large hole in the wall a few inches above my pillow and I can only be glad that he was so drunk that his aim was off!

In the end, I left him. Our families were utterly shocked as they all thought the sun shone out of his arse. I tried to understand, I tried to help and support him, but it didn’t work. There is only you who can decide what to do here, but I’d be very cautious at tying yourself to someone who can win 25k and behave like this. I wish you well x

Ps. When we split, it turned out my name was not on the mortgage and never had been....naive, moi? 🙄

It is so weird that some posters have issues with trying to find out information that is being actively hidden from them. Privacy is important but the Op was suspicious when her partner was acting shady and was unfortcoming. She asked questions. He lied. So she should just accept those answers (lies) and plough ahead with future plans together or instead do the sensible thing and see wtf is actually happening in her life. Through looking she found he was hiding a win, making others complicit in the hiding of the money, talking shit about her and hiding an addiction. Yes the phone snooping was def the worst thing that happened here 🤔.

You need to leave if he demands answers tell him you know about the money and that he thinks you will want it tell him you dont and your leaving because you shouldn't stay with someone who has such a low opinion of you

Sorry OP but red flags abound here

Not what you want to hear or do probably but honestly, get out now

• He is gambling significant amounts of money to win that much, this theory is supported by the fact he is only saving the same as you.
• A non-home owner making 6 figures shouldn’t owe a family member cash
• he is shirking responsibility to family member who is owed cash
• At 2 years in he should be gagging to get a home with you not actively avoiding it.
• he is disrespectful- happily bragging to his mates while complaining about you the “savings harpy”
• my DP and I have been together two years and neither of us would ever keep that amount of cash secret from each other.

Oh no OP

I'm so sorry

Aside from the gambling issues I'd be devastated he kept this from you and told everyone else. Because he knew youd do the right thing and advise him to pay back his relative. Who he is treating badly as well - earns 6 figures, comes into 25k and only gives a couple of hundred a month.

If hed been up front that gambling is his hobby, he has a separate account that any winnings go back in and he spends x a month maybe you could have understood but as you and others have said, the deception is terrible and to hide it while you're busy working 3 jobs is nasty

I worked in betting offices for a number of years, gambling ruins lives, I'd say it happens much easier now with immediate access on phones too.

I live in Ireland and have heard of banks refusing mortgage applications for any gambling activity on accounts, the theory been if a person will gamble with their own money they're a risk for gambling with the banks money each month.

This reminds me of an ex. I moved in with him and we lived as a couple. He was earning four times my salary and in general was generous. I worked 30 miles away and the exhaust pipe fell off my car. I would normally pay for this myself but I wasn't getting paid for another month and was skint. I had spent a fair bit of my money on his kids that month and I bought all the food and drink that came into the house and spent all my wage on us as a couple generally. I didn't ask but I expected him to get a new exhaust put on my car. He had loads of money but he didn't mention it. When a colleague picked me up and dropped me off going 60 miles out of his way every day for the entire month he didn't mention it. I decided to drop one hint and he looked at me directly and I knew he knew what I was after but he still didn't offer. As soon as I had the new exhaust I packed up and left. I moved back in with my Dad. I had the phonecall from him asking why but I merely said that we were incompatible and I ended the call. That was that. He knew he could have helped me out but he chose not to and that made him a twat. I didn't want to be with a twat. A twat with a big fancy car and a big fancy job and a live in GF having to beg lifts - just no.
You DP is a twat OP. Sorry but he is. Quietly walk away now. Don't tell him you snooped just that you have changed your mind and don't see a future with him. A win like that would have normal people whooping but the fact he hasn't mentioned it, like PPs have said, I believe it pales into insignificance compared to his losses. This is a whole side of him you know only a tiny bit about and yet it is a huge part of him in reality. Walk away and then run after 400 yards.