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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend keeping secret that he won £25k gambling ...

245 replies

YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 01:07

Coming on here for opinions on whether I am being unreasonable or not...

I have been with boyfriend for 2 years, living (renting) together for one of those. We have been saving for a house. He already earns significantly more than me (6 figures), I earn not even a quarter what he does. We've both been saving equally for the house. He hasn't insisted that I pay an equal share, he is happy to put in more than me when the time comes to it, but I really want this to feel like an equal venture. I have been working my arse off, doing 2 jobs, and I am just about to start a third. My goal is to save £15k towards the house.

On his phone earlier we were scrolling through his photos and he quickly shut the app down once we got to a certain set, became very cagey about his phone. He's never done this before and I did find it suspicious. I am ashamed as I have never done this before, but I have gone back on the photos app since he has gone to bed. I noticed a withdrawal on a betting site for £25k. I know he dabbles in gambling from time to time but wasn't sure whether a withdrawal meant he had won the money or had paid that into it. I am completely naive to any of this, and I don't like gambling. It turns out he has won £25k.

I was obviously shocked and stunned, I then went onto his WhatsApp and he has had a conversation with a friend of his (who also gambles). He has said in the conversation that he doesn't want me to know because I will expect him to put some of his winnings towards our house Sad. He also owes one of his family members a significant amount of money and said he doesn't want to tell me as I will encourage him to pay the family member back.

I have never asked him for money, and always tried to pay my way. Whenever he has paid for expensive things I have always offered the money back, but he has told me to put it into our savings. He is generally a very selfless, kind and generous man. He has paid for expensive things and is never a shirker or tight with money. I love him and share everything with him, and I thought the same of him.

I understand if he wants to keep the money for himself, but I don't like the secrecy and assumption I will demand he spends the money in a certain way. I've never asked him for money and I am running myself ragged trying to save up which he is very aware of. I also feel it makes me look like an idiot and fool in front of his best friend who knows all about this. I also feel partly upset, because if I had a massive windfall like this, I would be over the moon it could mean we would buy our house faster, get a nicer house etc. I would be thinking of it as 'our' money. I've told him that when we move in I am happy for us to have a contract stating we have both put 'X' in. I am by no means a money grabber. That does hurt me a little, but more so the fact he is keeping it a secret from me but happy to tell his friends.

AIBU?

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 07/08/2019 07:51

He’ll be losing more than he’s winning. Bookies are shrewd and if he’s regularly winning huge amounts they’d have shut his account. He’ll be making them profit. I suspect unfortunately OP he is losing vast vast vast sums of money regularly

CorBlimeyGovenor · 07/08/2019 07:54

Why, if he earns such a huge salary, owes family money? Also, he must be selfish to want to keep it without paying his family off first! He's also a gambler. A big win like this will only fuel things all the more. You will, however, be an even bigger gambler if you stick with him! His behaviour is not normal.

KUGA · 07/08/2019 07:56

If you buy a home with a liar and a gambler you will for sure risk loosing your home.
Personally i would be looking to buy your own home in your name only.

Lanurk · 07/08/2019 08:05

Before you leave please make sure you get your money out of the joint account!

Also, check your credit rating for free at clear score, credit karma and money saving expert as they cover the three credit reference agencies (different lenders things can show up on some and not others) to make sure he hasn’t taken anything out in your name.

eddielizzard · 07/08/2019 08:05

Devastating. He isn't who you thought he was. The trust is broken.

Holidaysmoliday · 07/08/2019 08:08

I think you hVe come to your own conclusions OP

The secrecy, encouraging his friends to lie to you, still owing a family member money (that they may need themselves) whilst having thousands himself- all very concerning and not someone I could be in a relationship with.

You cannot be in a happy equal marriage with someone who is so easily able to lie to you and does not share your financial values.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 07/08/2019 08:11

As an aside, if you care for him, leaving will do him a favour too. It will alert family to his gambling and may be the wake up call that he needs (assuming that he doesn't go on to replace one addiction with another, which can happen).

longwayoff · 07/08/2019 08:22

DON'T MARRY HIM and don't, whatever else you do, put your name to any shared investment. He may be the most wonderful man in the world but you will never compete with the thrill he gets from gambling and you will be left with nothing. Take your savings and make a new life.

PonderingPanda · 07/08/2019 08:24

Many years ago l unknowingly dated a gambler. We then split up, l was devestated. His mum phoned me and said I'd had a lucky escape and said we'd never have any money, I'd always be wondering if the rent was paid.

I then looked back at our relationship and remembered the times he was uncontactable and how he went completely ashen faced when his brother phoned him out of the blue...

Even though l knew it was a lucky escape l was still devastated but as he had been cheating and was now with her, there was no way we would be getting back together.

Years down the line, she contacted me to apologise for the deceit. They apparently got married but when she had just had her newborn baby they were evicted from their home due to not paying the mortgage - she had no idea.

Thank god l didn't end up with him.

DistanceCall · 07/08/2019 08:25

He's hiding his win from you, and he won't pay his debt to your relative.

Get out. Things will only get much, much worse when you're married and have children.

IamtheOA · 07/08/2019 08:25

It doesn't matter how much he earns, or if he's " generous" with money- he's financially irresponsible.

And he's not generous - most people would treat the person they loved to something amazing.

In the very least, if it was a one off, you'd think his next step would be to tell you that you don't need the third job, because there is now extra.

SunniDay · 07/08/2019 08:26

Hi OP,
I'm sorry for your situation. I agree that your partner is a gambling addict because the only logical reason not to put most of his winnings into the house deposit (protected for him by tenants in common or deed of trust) or to pay back his relative is that he wants to ring fence the money for more gambling.

The thing is he may not yet view himself as a gambling addict. He may think he "works hard/plays hard" etc but the reality is he is gambling huge amounts of money and when he wins huge amounts of money gambles that too. He lies, he hides it. I think bragging to his friends about his win but telling them he is hiding it from you might be an attempt to normalise his behaviour and convince himself he is "Jack the lad" rather than a sad addict.

I agree that getting out now might save you a lot of heartache. It won't be easy because he will tell you there is no problem (and will probably believe it). It might be many years before everything collapses to dust or you leaving might be the wake up call he needs to get help and change. No-one can tell how his gambling will pan out because that's simply down to him but the heartache being described by the partner's of gamblers can't be disregarded lightly. At least you are no longer in the dark. Good luck.

supersop60 · 07/08/2019 08:26

Another one here worried about your savings account. Is it joint? or separate?
If it's joint, take out your contribution now. If he's the sort to take £20 out of your account, he'll take more.
Please protect yourself and your money.
Good luck.

Morgan12 · 07/08/2019 08:29

I would honestly reconsider this relationship.

Gamblers do not change without help. And he clearly doesn't think he has a problem. He does. And this will cause you all sorts of problems in the future.

LenoVintura · 07/08/2019 08:29

If you stay with this man then you're a bigger gambler than he is.

theWarOnPeace · 07/08/2019 08:36

I’m so sorry OP. You must feel so betrayed and confused. What a bastard.

I have two very close friends who have husbands that gamble. Both never have a pot to piss in, despite taking home more money on paper than our household. We go on holiday, have a nice home, do nice things with the kids - they can never afford to do anything despite bringing in more money in salaries! Both have nearly lost their homes through their husbands’ deceit. They feel stuck with them because of their children, and try to make it work. I really don’t know how though because both husbands still gamble, still lie and still have nothing to bring to the table every month. They make me fucking sick.

Don’t get stuck, this has no way of ending well.

LawnsLT · 07/08/2019 08:36

You went down his phone!

You need to end this...as someone said gamblers never win, but never does going down someone’s phone reading the messages between him and a friend

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/08/2019 08:44

I'd be very wary, with a six-figure income he manages to owe family members significant sums of money. I think gambling could well be an issue and that is a very hard habit to break.

Star81 · 07/08/2019 08:47

Sorry , but I would have to rethink this relationship totally. I understand you wanting to make the house a joint venture and work 3 jobs to do so but for him to win a significant sum and deliberately keep it quiet from you and include others in his deception says a lot about him - and none of it good.

Itsallchange · 07/08/2019 08:47

Oh and another one echoing it may cause you problems actually getting a mortgage. My STBEH liked a gamble nothing major I thought just online football bets, casino and slots. Always paid the bills etc. Came to apply for a remortgage with our bank, declined even though we had spare cash and could afford it. The lady told me it was because they could see high activity through his account to bet 365. So if you decide to stay something to be considerate of

Coyoacan · 07/08/2019 08:53

As for the couple of people criticising you for looking at his phone, I normally take a similar stance, however this is really serious stuff you have found out and I'm so glad that you did. I must be extremely painful, but you have saved yourself an awful lot of misery.

billybagpuss · 07/08/2019 08:55

Thats interesting @itsallchange its been years since I worked at the bank but we would think twice about lots of credit companies, but the online gambling community didn't exist then. So much easier now.

Lolapusht · 07/08/2019 08:55

If I earned more than 4 times as much as my partner, I would be expecting to put more savings into buying a house with them. His investment could be ring-fenced so he wouldn’t risk losing “his” money.

Do you know how much he has left over at the end of each month? If he’s only saving the same as you then my concern would be he sees the extra (possibly hundreds £) as his gambling cash. Would that change if you bought a house? He should be comfortably off earning 6 figures, if he’s not then the money is going somewhere.

Deal breakers for me would be his attitude to his win (deliberately keeping it from you plus his friends don’t sound that nice if they’re colluding. Friends are a good reflection of a person) and the fact that he didn’t want to pay back his relative ASAP. Yes he might have been very lucky and have won the money without having a gambling problem, but it sounds like he might be spending a lot on it. Buying a house together should be a big commitment but it doesn’t sound like he is.

Good luck OP.

Annonymiss123 · 07/08/2019 08:56

Before you leave please make sure you get your money out of the joint account!

Also, check your credit rating for free at clear score, credit karma and money saving expert as they cover the three credit reference agencies (different lenders things can show up on some and not others) to make sure he hasn’t taken anything out in your name.

I think this is very good advice from @Lanurk.

noideasforaname · 07/08/2019 08:59

Is the money he owes his relative to pay off a gambling debt?