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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend keeping secret that he won £25k gambling ...

245 replies

YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 01:07

Coming on here for opinions on whether I am being unreasonable or not...

I have been with boyfriend for 2 years, living (renting) together for one of those. We have been saving for a house. He already earns significantly more than me (6 figures), I earn not even a quarter what he does. We've both been saving equally for the house. He hasn't insisted that I pay an equal share, he is happy to put in more than me when the time comes to it, but I really want this to feel like an equal venture. I have been working my arse off, doing 2 jobs, and I am just about to start a third. My goal is to save £15k towards the house.

On his phone earlier we were scrolling through his photos and he quickly shut the app down once we got to a certain set, became very cagey about his phone. He's never done this before and I did find it suspicious. I am ashamed as I have never done this before, but I have gone back on the photos app since he has gone to bed. I noticed a withdrawal on a betting site for £25k. I know he dabbles in gambling from time to time but wasn't sure whether a withdrawal meant he had won the money or had paid that into it. I am completely naive to any of this, and I don't like gambling. It turns out he has won £25k.

I was obviously shocked and stunned, I then went onto his WhatsApp and he has had a conversation with a friend of his (who also gambles). He has said in the conversation that he doesn't want me to know because I will expect him to put some of his winnings towards our house Sad. He also owes one of his family members a significant amount of money and said he doesn't want to tell me as I will encourage him to pay the family member back.

I have never asked him for money, and always tried to pay my way. Whenever he has paid for expensive things I have always offered the money back, but he has told me to put it into our savings. He is generally a very selfless, kind and generous man. He has paid for expensive things and is never a shirker or tight with money. I love him and share everything with him, and I thought the same of him.

I understand if he wants to keep the money for himself, but I don't like the secrecy and assumption I will demand he spends the money in a certain way. I've never asked him for money and I am running myself ragged trying to save up which he is very aware of. I also feel it makes me look like an idiot and fool in front of his best friend who knows all about this. I also feel partly upset, because if I had a massive windfall like this, I would be over the moon it could mean we would buy our house faster, get a nicer house etc. I would be thinking of it as 'our' money. I've told him that when we move in I am happy for us to have a contract stating we have both put 'X' in. I am by no means a money grabber. That does hurt me a little, but more so the fact he is keeping it a secret from me but happy to tell his friends.

AIBU?

OP posts:
M0RVEN · 07/08/2019 04:26

Don’t worry, OP, there’s always one troll who wants to make this your problem.

It’s not, it’s 100% his and you have a right to decide on your own boundaries, what you want in a relationship, what you will and won’t put up with.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 07/08/2019 04:28

Ruby is really on a roll now. You should definitely marry him and see how the gambling turns out!

Rubyrubyrubyrhubarb · 07/08/2019 04:31

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HUZZAH212 · 07/08/2019 04:32

@Rubyrubyrubyrhubarb I've reported you for trolling and trying to derail OP's thread into a bun fight. Genuinely this is a person's life they've posted about (not that you'll care), it's not for trolling for shits and giggles.

Rubyrubyrubyrhubarb · 07/08/2019 04:44

*Don’t worry, OP, there’s always one troll who wants to make this your problem.

It’s not, it’s 100% his*

I thought relationships were about teamwork, sharing your problems, and working through them together?

Call me a troll but I'm in a relationship with someone who had a gambling problem. It didnt affect me whilst our finances were separate and only reared it's head when we were looking to buy a house and I couldn't understand how he didn't have more savings. I stuck by him and we got him help and have stuck by our plan to be open with finances and regularly review them. We've been together 10 years and he is an amazing husband and father. I have no trust issues now as with most illnesses when you're in the thick of it you're not your true self.

So again call me a troll but if you truly love someone you exhaust all help before throwing them on the scrap heap simply because it's more convenient for you imo.

Yestermo · 07/08/2019 04:45

My good friend has been with a gambler for years. He is a lovely man in so many ways vut ut has ruined her life. no home, so many promises broken, so many lies. She would tell you to leave now before you ruin your finances and own mental health.
Gambling is an addiction but it is not your job to fix. Just as heroin/alcohol/etc addiction isn't either.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 07/08/2019 04:50

Call me a troll but I'm in a relationship with someone who had a gambling problem. It didnt affect me whilst our finances were separate and only reared it's head when we were looking to buy a house and I couldn't understand how he didn't have more savings.

Ah. And there it is. Projection. Because other people dare to make a different choice.

HUZZAH212 · 07/08/2019 04:54

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olllsss · 07/08/2019 05:01

Ah. And there it is. Projection. Because other people dare to make a different choice.

Well said 👏🏻

IAmNotAWitch · 07/08/2019 05:04

Meh, too hard in a boyfriend.

Make sure he does not have any access to your funds and extricate yourself as soon as possible.

No secrets, no lies. That is no sort of relationship.

Rubyrubyrubyrhubarb · 07/08/2019 05:04

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Itsnotme123 · 07/08/2019 05:07

I went out with a gambler for about 6 months, he would borrow money off me and pay me back double. Then he borrowed more off me and didn’t pay me back. Owed me £250 in all. He also owed his boss £7000, and he other girlfriend a lot of money.

I was such a fool, he was borrowing from Pay Day Loans, and got into real trouble with them.

I stay well clear of gamblers now.

HUZZAH212 · 07/08/2019 05:14

@Rubyrubyrubyrhubarb Meh! I'm sure I'll cope just fine if I'm barred. I'll just console myself that your nasty comments to OP are also moderated... from the lofty heights of my horse.

Rubyrubyrubyrhubarb · 07/08/2019 05:20

Ah. And there it is. Projection. Because other people dare to make a different choice

Different choice being LTB before even trying any sort of help? According to OP this person was 'the one' material. I guess 'in sickness and in health' will just be omitted from those vows.

I'm just trying to grasp why someone maintains a relationship with someone who they can't ask 'why were you acting shifty when we looked through those photos?'
Why maintain a relationship with someone who basic communication is out the window with?
How can you not trust someone to this degree and yet still think they're 'the one'?

Rubyrubyrubyrhubarb · 07/08/2019 05:34

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KatherineJaneway · 07/08/2019 05:36

I couldn’t stay with a man like this. The lying and deceit is bad enough but to owe family money and not pay it back from his ample winnings is a character trait that is a huge turn off for me.

IAmNotAWitch · 07/08/2019 05:37

She hasn't made any vows. He is a live in boyfriend. She doesn't owe him anything if she can't be bothered.

A long term partner, who has proven trustworthy over the years gets to make mistakes and you might want to work through something like this, because you would have that depth of shared history and trust.

But a boyfriend of 2 years? Why should she tie herself to someone who will lie to her like this? You teach people how to treat you, if she lets this slide, well he knows how to treat her, doesn't he?

Teacher22 · 07/08/2019 05:39

OP, I really feel for you and I think you now know you cannot marry and live with this man who lies, gambles, decides to prioritise his own spending over paying back a debt to a generous friend when he could easily do so and who shares his secrets against, not with, his life partner to be.

So, on a practical point, do not allow your partner to know you have rumbled him until you have withdrawn your share of the house deposit from your joint account. Otherwise he will take the lot and gamble it.

You will have to harden your heart and resist his pleading as deceivers are well practised in charm.

I hope the rest of your life works out as you sound like an honest, decent, generous person.

Soontobe60 · 07/08/2019 05:39

@rubyrubyruby
I thought relationships were about teamwork, sharing your problems, and working through them together

So did the OP, but it seems that her partner didn't think the same thing. He is the one who was secretive, untrusting, not sharing his problems. She clearly thought there may have been something dodgy going on here, so wanted to check before confronting him. Most normal people would do the same thing.
Don't give us that bollocks about addiction 'being an illness'. It's not like an infection that will go away with antibiotics, it's more like an untreatable cancer that will eat away at you and eventually destroy your life. You're being so sanctimonious tailing about your dp as if he's all 'cured' now. I bet that didn't happen by you standing back whilst he sorted himself out; I bet it took years of heartache, distrust, anger. Well done that it has worked out for you, but for the majority of gambling addicts that isn't the case. Their relationships break down and everyone pays the price of their greed. Because that's what gambling is, a greed caused by getting pleasure out of gaining something for nothing.
I'm the granddaughter of a gambler. It NEVER ends well.

OP, practically everyone on here will tell yo the same thing. You need to put yourself first and leave this man.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 07/08/2019 05:42

How absolutely devastating to believe you’ve found the one, and to discover this.

Really sorry OP.

Shoxfordian · 07/08/2019 05:58

Hope you managed to get some sleep op

Ask him about the photos and see what his reaction is like. Not looking that good though..

HUZZAH212 · 07/08/2019 06:00

@Rubyrubyrubyrhubarb But your partner lied to you. I'm confused why you're so adamant that OP's partner isn't also lying to her.

yikesanddang · 07/08/2019 06:17

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Sarcelle · 07/08/2019 06:28

I would feel no guilt at checking up on anything. You need to protect yourself and leaving him will do that.

Rezie · 07/08/2019 06:44

I'm not convinced that it's a gambling problem with certainty. But the secrecy from you, but bragging to friends about not telling you is a red flag. He is not being a partner.

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