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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend keeping secret that he won £25k gambling ...

245 replies

YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 01:07

Coming on here for opinions on whether I am being unreasonable or not...

I have been with boyfriend for 2 years, living (renting) together for one of those. We have been saving for a house. He already earns significantly more than me (6 figures), I earn not even a quarter what he does. We've both been saving equally for the house. He hasn't insisted that I pay an equal share, he is happy to put in more than me when the time comes to it, but I really want this to feel like an equal venture. I have been working my arse off, doing 2 jobs, and I am just about to start a third. My goal is to save £15k towards the house.

On his phone earlier we were scrolling through his photos and he quickly shut the app down once we got to a certain set, became very cagey about his phone. He's never done this before and I did find it suspicious. I am ashamed as I have never done this before, but I have gone back on the photos app since he has gone to bed. I noticed a withdrawal on a betting site for £25k. I know he dabbles in gambling from time to time but wasn't sure whether a withdrawal meant he had won the money or had paid that into it. I am completely naive to any of this, and I don't like gambling. It turns out he has won £25k.

I was obviously shocked and stunned, I then went onto his WhatsApp and he has had a conversation with a friend of his (who also gambles). He has said in the conversation that he doesn't want me to know because I will expect him to put some of his winnings towards our house Sad. He also owes one of his family members a significant amount of money and said he doesn't want to tell me as I will encourage him to pay the family member back.

I have never asked him for money, and always tried to pay my way. Whenever he has paid for expensive things I have always offered the money back, but he has told me to put it into our savings. He is generally a very selfless, kind and generous man. He has paid for expensive things and is never a shirker or tight with money. I love him and share everything with him, and I thought the same of him.

I understand if he wants to keep the money for himself, but I don't like the secrecy and assumption I will demand he spends the money in a certain way. I've never asked him for money and I am running myself ragged trying to save up which he is very aware of. I also feel it makes me look like an idiot and fool in front of his best friend who knows all about this. I also feel partly upset, because if I had a massive windfall like this, I would be over the moon it could mean we would buy our house faster, get a nicer house etc. I would be thinking of it as 'our' money. I've told him that when we move in I am happy for us to have a contract stating we have both put 'X' in. I am by no means a money grabber. That does hurt me a little, but more so the fact he is keeping it a secret from me but happy to tell his friends.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Pretendapony · 07/08/2019 14:33

You’ve made the right decision OP. Ignore anyone saying you shouldn’t snoop, you wouldn’t have snooped if he didn’t act so shifty!

UniversalAunt · 07/08/2019 14:51

@mussolini9 Spot on!

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/08/2019 14:58

If I checked my partner's phone, found out about his gambling and he then told me he couldn't trust me I would PMSL, LadyRannaldini. Why should OP give a shiny shit what this idiot thinks of her?

Sceptre86 · 07/08/2019 14:59

Is he likely to ever want to stop gambling or is it more a recreational thing for him? The fact that he didn't want to tell you is a red flag for me, that and the fact that he didn't use it to pay the family member back. I wouldn't be with a gambler generous or not. It's up to you if you decide to leave him but withholding truths from you is not a good sign.

mussolini9 · 07/08/2019 15:13

Serves you right for snooping on his phone
I think you are confusing cause & effect @LadyRannaldini

hope he spends it all on himself
The OP has stated clearly, more than once, that she doesnt want any of this £25k.
Incidentally, why would you rather he spent the lot, rather than using some of it to repay the £15k he owes his relation?

aweedropofsancerre · 07/08/2019 15:44

Think we have found the boyfriend LadyRannaldini

NarcissistMum · 07/08/2019 15:50

Nobody sets out to be an addict, be it with gambling, drink,drugs,food. It is awfully sad when someone gets caught in addictions clutches. You can try and help somebody, but don't sacrifice your own well being or money. He has lied to you, and will do it again without a doubt. You are worth more than that. And yes, almost certainly, that 25k will be gambled away. Get out of the relationship.

fernsfordays · 07/08/2019 15:50

He's a gambler, a liar and he's selfish. Seriously he is not the one foe you.

Horehound · 07/08/2019 16:04

He wasn't playing starburst was he?

It's very easy to be addicted to that. I definitely think that even though he "won" 25k it will be nothing compared to what he lost in the past.
I got through 3k one night....ONE NIGHT actually probably about One hour...

Terrible. Luckily it gave me a shock. I immediately told my husband who was very kind about it. It was actually money I had won playing slots but we were going to use for honeymoon so he was ok about it. It wasn't our money we had lost but it was so fucking stupid.

I do agree you need to leave him.

Original poster
YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 16:21

I’m not sure of the game itself, I just know it’s a casino website and I gather from his conversations and screenshots he is playing the slots.

He’ll be home soon. I am more angry than upset now. He’s bought me all these little gifts recently; flowers, chocolates, fuel for the car. Makes sense now, clearly a guilty conscience.

I hope his friends make him happy!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/08/2019 16:32

Good luck @YellowSunflowers123. You are definitely doing the right thing. Walk out with your head held high. We are here if you need to talk later.

Let him keep his poxy little 'guit gifts'.

Just horrible to think that all his mates know about this side of him and have all agreed to keep it from you. What a bunch of wankers.

Ang69 · 07/08/2019 16:39

Good luck Sunflowers, who knows, it might be the best thing to happen to him and make him seek help to stop this destructive behaviour. You are definitely doing the right thing. Good luck to you both.

minmooch · 07/08/2019 17:20

You are doing the right thing op.

To all those saying she had not snooped, no it's not a good thing, but has proved to herself that he is a liar and had she asked outright he may we'll have not told the truth anyway.

Different circumstances had she been married for a long time with kids, but even then I'd leave. This is a two year relationship. The op would be a fool to tie herself to a man who has proved to be a liar and a gambler. There are plenty of better men out there, those who don't lie, chose to hide a significant winnings of a sum of money, chose to not pay off a family member, choose to get his friends to lie about this.

You deserve better op. Thank god you found out now before it was too late.

You sound level headed and sure if your boundaries.

Stick to your guns. Do not let him talk you round. This is deceit on a massive level.

This is him at his best - someone who lies to you, is a gambler, does not put his girlfriend or family first.

You do not need this.

M0RVEN · 07/08/2019 17:29

He’s bought me all these little gifts recently; flowers, chocolates, fuel for the car

You know, for most people who earn a 6 figure sum, putting fuel in your partner’s car isn’t a “gift”. It’s just a thing you do, like buying a pint of milk on the way home or picking up a take away.

It’s pretty sad that’s a big deal to him. It’s obvious that the bulk of his money and attention are being spent elsewhere.

You deserve better OP.

Jamiefraserskilt · 07/08/2019 17:53

He has put his gambling above you and above his family to whom he owes money. With a six figure salary he should be paying off his debt.
It is the deceit and priorities that would be a show stopper for me

Morley19 · 07/08/2019 18:51

@YellowSunflowers123

I am SO sorry, I can feel the upset and anger your posts (quite rightly).

Unfortunately I would be the same as you, there is no recovering from this, the only option for me would be to part.

It isn’t even the win/gambling that is the main problem. It is the lies/secrecy/deceit/ not wanting to share something like that with the person that is meant to be closest in the world to him (but planning a slap up meal with his friends?! WTF?!) that would do it for me. I think my feelings towarDS someone like that would change instantly and I would NEVER be able to trust him again. You deserve so much more than that

When he gets home tell him it is over and he can sort a new place out with his winnings

Do stay on here for support. I have found it invaluable in the past

There’s a lot of us that are thinking of you tonight

Good luck, stay strong

He doesn’t deserve you

Xx

MrsMozartMkII · 07/08/2019 19:16

I hope you're okay lass.

Frazzled2207 · 07/08/2019 20:14

The secrecy and the fact that he has no intention of putting it towards the house are both big red flags in my opinion.
I couldn't be with a gambler but I'm sure some are able to be ok with this.

DC3dilemma · 07/08/2019 20:37

Another one to say walk away.

Marriage at first is all romance, lust, and love. After a while, usually because children come along it becomes a partnership and like any other you have to work together transparently and honestly. Differing attitudes to money can easily break a partnership. If you wouldn’t go into business with him with what you know, don’t stay with him romantically.

The depositing £20 from your account, the lack of any real impetus to pay back his relative ASAP (even before the windfall; it sounds like he was paying a small amount relative to his income), keeping this secret while you are supposed to be saving together AND the gambling habit are all red flags. When life gets stressful, as it always does, do you trust him not to make it all worse by indulging his habit even more?

mathanxiety · 07/08/2019 20:52

The fact remains he has had a massive windfall, and rather than share it with his ‘nearest and dearest’, he’s instead keeping it a secret and getting his friends to collude. Offering to take them for slap up dinners and whilst watching me struggle scrimping to save up for our house and not paying his relative back. Instead indulging in a deception so he can be selfish and nobody will question his motivations, gambling or lifestyle.

Keep these words close to your heart because when you confront him he will try to deny it all, he will promise you he will reform, and he will try to beat you over the head with accusations of snooping (which the last refuge of the liar who knows fully well that he or she hasn't a leg to stand on).

If he accuses you of snooping and tries to make a song and dance about trust, blah, blah, blah, tell him that even after what you found you can't believe he would stoop so low as to try that scurrilous defence.

Malvinaa81 · 07/08/2019 20:59

Life with a gambler and a partner with secret debts is not worth it. Never get involved financially. Don't buy a house with him.

If you do leave him you have done the right thing.

It will be hard, I'm sorry.

lyralalala · 07/08/2019 21:01

Keep these words close to your heart because when you confront him he will try to deny it all, he will promise you he will reform, and he will try to beat you over the head with accusations of snooping (which the last refuge of the liar who knows fully well that he or she hasn't a leg to stand on).

Exactly this.

He’ll probably also come up with a house deposit/holiday of a lifetime/wedding that is what he will claim he had planned for the money.

Remember that the words you read were his words.

Graphista · 07/08/2019 21:14

The house always wins.

Exactly what I was gonna say!

"He is good with money in a sense of always having our bills paid, not in debt or overdraft." But he IS in debt:

"He also owes one of his family members a significant amount of money"

Just because it's a relative doesn't make it any less irresponsible and selfish!

I also have relatives who are gamblers/con artists.

Massive red flags here RUN!

This will NOT end well.

"He did take my phone once and deposit £20 into a site from my account (which I swiftly told him to stop)" that would've been the point I'd have gone "see ya!"

I would urge you to do a thorough credit check on yourself ASAP and possibly on him too, though quite honestly you'd be far better off just calling it quits. I hope to god your savings for the house deposit weren't in a joint account?

"He has never been tight with money" that's actually a classic con man/gambler move! Google the psychology of obligation - they give to get, seemingly generous to you, so that when they ask you in the future to loan them money you feel obligated because they've been generous in the early days...

You see it a LOT in those stories about women who've been scammed by bigamist etc

"He was so generous at the start, took me to lovely restaurants and on weekends away..."

QueenofallIsee · 07/08/2019 21:16

Hope you are ok OP, stay strong

JingsMahBucket · 07/08/2019 22:07

@YellowSunflowers123 I’d suggest get this thread moved to the Relationships board, especially for ongoing support. You can do that by reporting your thread and then write in the comment box that you want it moved. Good luck. Flowers

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