Boyfriend keeping secret that he won £25k gambling ...

[YellowSunflowers123]

Coming on here for opinions on whether I am being unreasonable or not...

I have been with boyfriend for 2 years, living (renting) together for one of those. We have been saving for a house. He already earns significantly more than me (6 figures), I earn not even a quarter what he does. We've both been saving equally for the house. He hasn't insisted that I pay an equal share, he is happy to put in more than me when the time comes to it, but I really want this to feel like an equal venture. I have been working my arse off, doing 2 jobs, and I am just about to start a third. My goal is to save £15k towards the house.

On his phone earlier we were scrolling through his photos and he quickly shut the app down once we got to a certain set, became very cagey about his phone. He's never done this before and I did find it suspicious. I am ashamed as I have never done this before, but I have gone back on the photos app since he has gone to bed. I noticed a withdrawal on a betting site for £25k. I know he dabbles in gambling from time to time but wasn't sure whether a withdrawal meant he had won the money or had paid that into it. I am completely naive to any of this, and I don't like gambling. It turns out he has won £25k.

I was obviously shocked and stunned, I then went onto his WhatsApp and he has had a conversation with a friend of his (who also gambles). He has said in the conversation that he doesn't want me to know because I will expect him to put some of his winnings towards our house . He also owes one of his family members a significant amount of money and said he doesn't want to tell me as I will encourage him to pay the family member back.

I have never asked him for money, and always tried to pay my way. Whenever he has paid for expensive things I have always offered the money back, but he has told me to put it into our savings. He is generally a very selfless, kind and generous man. He has paid for expensive things and is never a shirker or tight with money. I love him and share everything with him, and I thought the same of him.

I understand if he wants to keep the money for himself, but I don't like the secrecy and assumption I will demand he spends the money in a certain way. I've never asked him for money and I am running myself ragged trying to save up which he is very aware of. I also feel it makes me look like an idiot and fool in front of his best friend who knows all about this. I also feel partly upset, because if I had a massive windfall like this, I would be over the moon it could mean we would buy our house faster, get a nicer house etc. I would be thinking of it as 'our' money. I've told him that when we move in I am happy for us to have a contract stating we have both put 'X' in. I am by no means a money grabber. That does hurt me a little, but more so the fact he is keeping it a secret from me but happy to tell his friends.

AIBU?

It is possible to win 25k+ from very small stakes on some casino games.

But very rare. I do casinos as part of matched betting. Some high risk with large stakes. Most I have ever 'won' in 18 months and 1000s and 1000s and 1000s of spins was £900 I think?

The secrecy would do it for me, plus the saying you will want to put some towards savings and pay off existing debt. His attitude towards money is different to yours. You need to decide if you want to live like that.

I've known one or two addictive gamblers, family member included but l have also known a few gamblers to whom its a leisure activity /hobby and very controlled and does not in any way ruin their lives. It's all relative, it sounds like he maybe earns 3 or 4k a month so what's the difference between a minimum wage earner putting a tenner on lotto twice weekly and this man putting £400 on. I'd want to see his bank statements, if he's gambling more than 10% what he earns then he has a problem but otherwise he's not necessarily a gambling addict.
My DH does accumulative football bets, correct score bets etc that do pay out late amounts if they come in and also does regular lotto numbers, a couple of lines but he has never gambled what he can't afford or would leave himself with no other leisure activity money. He just really enjoys studying teams, players form, statistics pitting himself against pundits etc etc. It's his Saturday morning hobby, golf is his other hobby, he doesn't smoke, goes to pub once a week or less.
Your dp may of course have a problem but then again he may not, you would need to find out more.
The secrecy thing, dh always tells me if he wins, about once a year a big one will come in where every teams won or whatever, but he has mates who also do these accum type bets and haven't told their wives or downplayed what they've won. I don't like that tbh but dh doesn't do that, l have access to all our finances including his personal bank acct as l do his accounts before anyone says that this is all only as far as l know.

You are lucky to have found this out before you are ruined.
Remove your savings immediately,
He is happy to let you do a 3rd job while hiding his gambling money.
But what if he had lost 25K ?
Run & Run fast

... ' that do pay out large amounts ' not 'late' amounts.

Run for the hills x

Oh for goodness sake - can't believe the people criticising you for looking at his phone. He gave you good reason to suspect that he was hiding something from you that you needed to know. And your suspicions were right and have potentially saved you from years of (expensive) misery with a deceiver and gambler who very likely would have fleeced you and never paid you back (just like with his relative...).

He fucked up, he gave you reason to suspect him, you had enough self respect and self regard to check out your legitimate suspicions (instead of being a pathetic handmaiden holding onto some romantic notion of trusting people no matter how untrustworthy they are proving themselves to be, and of treating them better than they are clearly treating you). This is all ENTIRELY on him.

@YellowSunflowers123

YANBU. Sorry but your B/F has behaved like a twat. Not saying he should automatically be sharing it ALL with you (as you're not married,) but when my DD's B/F won a sum of money several years back (mid 4 figures,) he gave her £500! And they had only been together 18 months (living together 6 months.)

And he is a gambler too. NOT a good person to be with. I know several women whose lives have fallen apart because of their gambling husbands/partners. (Funny how it's almost always men )

As for you having to take on 2 jobs and maybe a THIRD one to 'keep up' with him! Sorry, but fuck that. How are things going to go when you are married and have kids???

Nothing about this relationship, and situation is boding well sorry OP. I would be leaving him.

I also see nothing wrong with looking at someone's phone/generally snooping if you are suspicious of something. How the fuck are you meant to find anything out, or if anything is going on?

Looking through your partner's stuff/phone/drawers/pockets/laptop etc, for NOTHING, just to be nosey, or coz you think it's your right to look is obviously wrong. But snooping when you SUSPECT something, is fine. As I said, how can you find out stuff if you don't?

Or are people suggesting that women just carry on being shit on, lied to, and mugged off? Nah, not me sorry. Not a fucking chance. If I suspected someone of lying to me/cheating/gambling etc etc, I would pull out all the stops and check EVERYTHING to get evidence. If you don't do that, they will deny it, and hide or delete the evidence.

Oh I’m sorry OP. This must be really hard to take, especially as you’ve had to deal with an addicted partner in the past.

It sounds like it would be best for you to end the relationship shop, but even if you don’t get to that point immediately, take action straight away to make sure all your finances are separated totally. All your hard work could be at risk if he has a gambling problem, which sounds like he does.

As an aside I looked through my husbands phone when I suspected him of cheating, I was right. It gave me the kick I needed to leave an unhappy marriage and I’ve never looked back. I’ll take mine and my children’s happiness over someone else’s misguided morals!

Online gambling has become a huge problem and it's only just starting to be talked about in the media. I've noticed a steady drip-drip of stories in the papers over the past year and next week there are two investigative programmes on gambling addiction (Panorama on Mon @ 8.30 on BBC1, and Ross Kemp on ITV @ 7.30 on Thurs). You might want to watch OP.

Deal breaker. LTB!

If hes hiding this, hes hiding other stuff...i would just say to him 'is there something you need to tell me'...call his bluff!

No @bluegirlgreen

People aren't suggesting "women just carry on being shit on, lied to, and mugged off"

They are suggesting that if you don't trust your partner, end it.

As soon as you start snooping/spying/betraying it's over.

What you're suggesting is that it's fine to do all that if you've decided your partner might be hiding something, and that if your underhand methods don't find any evidence then you just carry on as normal.

If you really think that, you shouldn't be with them.

Definitely do a credit score check
With regards to mortgage, I've been approved for a remortgage but mine is matched betting, not gambling (I place about 250 bets a month and turn over around 5k in and out the bookies)
They accepted it because it's matched betting but straight gambling...

I suspect the family member he owes money to knows about his habit; part of why he doesn't want to tell you. It's his issue and not yours - he is trying to pretend to himself and his friend that lying to you about all of this is your fault.

I'd detangle myself now before this becomes more frequent.

I wouldn't dream of snooping normally but damn right that I'd be investigating once something suspicious occurred.

I agree with Bluegirlgreen if I am honest. Having been in a situation where I had a nagging feeling but no evidence - one check through the phone gave me the full story which was enough to get me out of a bad situation post haste. I had sat on that feeling for months feeling silly/paranoid/angry with myself for not trusting for 'no reason'.

I'd do it again now and would also expect to be happy to hand over my own phone if asked - if you have nothing to hide there should be no issue. People who have had things happen time and again will need such reassurance. Writing off everyone because you have trust issues doesn't help anyway shape or form, but working with your partner to help you feel secure by allowing open devices will build trust.

Op please ignore anyone bashing you for looking at the phone because its enabled you to dodge a massive bullet. You dont have to apologise for wanting authenticity.

Hes a selfish liar and a con artist...staying in this relationship would be like watching a car crash in slow motion.

Keeping the secret, not paying the relative back, and being willing to accept money from YOUR parents whilst knowing full well he had it? Massive no-no or me.

Then theres the actual gambling issue itself...
Seriously run for the hills and never look back. Addicts of any kind are not capable of being decent partners or parents.

Good luck.

I'm sorry but you cannot marry this man.

He is hiding things from you already; god knows what else.

He didn't want you to know about the £25k (shitty). He doesn't want to repay the debt he owes (shitty). So what DOES he want to do with it? He wants to use it for gambling.

Transfer your savings immediately and keep them safe. At least you will be able to afford a deposit somewhere else. Move out ASAP. So sorry though, must have been a horrid shock, but much better this now, than a few years down the line, when his gambling could bankrupt you both.

He's a liar and a gambling addict.

Why has everyone leapt to the conclusion hes a gambling addict?

Is it the same rationale as someone who has a spliff is a drug addict?

@araiwa £10 gambling is a spliff. 25k is like heroin

Having lived with a gambler, it is an addiction that has bought our marriage to its knees many times. Believe me he is an addict & the secrecy is part of that.

I am still married and his gambling is under control but I would not choose that path again. If I were young and my life ahead of me and I know what you know I would not have got married.

An addictive personality will manifest itself in all sorts of way, eating, drinking, gambling.

My advice to you is walk away.

Any mortgage company will check on his and your finances and sorry but if hes gambling they wont allow a mortgage to be taken out as its too much of a risk no matter what his salary is as it shows that he is susceptible to not sticking to his responsibility on the mortgage.
Sorry but gamblers often hide the reality of their gambling and often are in deeper than you would know .. its like an alcoholic they want it more and more and very rarely stop before they have destroyed everything around them .. it seems to me that you are working hard to help yourself already and should use that to get somewhere for your to live just dont let it be with him or you will end up with nothing as he gambles it away.

There was a similar thread the other day where the woman had come into a significant amount of money and her boyfriend was a gambler and she was told it was her money, not to tell him bla bla.

It's his money, his business.

The problem here is obviously the gambling.

DO NOT JOINTLY BUY A HOUSE WITH A GAMBLER. DO NOT ENTER INTO ANY FINANCIAL CONTRACTS WITH A GAMBLER.

Get your own house and maybe consider living with him again in the future afyer he's gotten his addiction under control and no longer gambles.