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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend keeping secret that he won £25k gambling ...

245 replies

YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 01:07

Coming on here for opinions on whether I am being unreasonable or not...

I have been with boyfriend for 2 years, living (renting) together for one of those. We have been saving for a house. He already earns significantly more than me (6 figures), I earn not even a quarter what he does. We've both been saving equally for the house. He hasn't insisted that I pay an equal share, he is happy to put in more than me when the time comes to it, but I really want this to feel like an equal venture. I have been working my arse off, doing 2 jobs, and I am just about to start a third. My goal is to save £15k towards the house.

On his phone earlier we were scrolling through his photos and he quickly shut the app down once we got to a certain set, became very cagey about his phone. He's never done this before and I did find it suspicious. I am ashamed as I have never done this before, but I have gone back on the photos app since he has gone to bed. I noticed a withdrawal on a betting site for £25k. I know he dabbles in gambling from time to time but wasn't sure whether a withdrawal meant he had won the money or had paid that into it. I am completely naive to any of this, and I don't like gambling. It turns out he has won £25k.

I was obviously shocked and stunned, I then went onto his WhatsApp and he has had a conversation with a friend of his (who also gambles). He has said in the conversation that he doesn't want me to know because I will expect him to put some of his winnings towards our house Sad. He also owes one of his family members a significant amount of money and said he doesn't want to tell me as I will encourage him to pay the family member back.

I have never asked him for money, and always tried to pay my way. Whenever he has paid for expensive things I have always offered the money back, but he has told me to put it into our savings. He is generally a very selfless, kind and generous man. He has paid for expensive things and is never a shirker or tight with money. I love him and share everything with him, and I thought the same of him.

I understand if he wants to keep the money for himself, but I don't like the secrecy and assumption I will demand he spends the money in a certain way. I've never asked him for money and I am running myself ragged trying to save up which he is very aware of. I also feel it makes me look like an idiot and fool in front of his best friend who knows all about this. I also feel partly upset, because if I had a massive windfall like this, I would be over the moon it could mean we would buy our house faster, get a nicer house etc. I would be thinking of it as 'our' money. I've told him that when we move in I am happy for us to have a contract stating we have both put 'X' in. I am by no means a money grabber. That does hurt me a little, but more so the fact he is keeping it a secret from me but happy to tell his friends.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Monty27 · 07/08/2019 02:15

He has no value of £25k in real life. That's his hobby money.. gambling

lyralalala · 07/08/2019 02:26

It is. It actually says a lot about me really - he doesn't want to tell me as I will encourage him to pay the family member back!

If nothing else it tells you that you have totally different attitudes toward debt and money. Which is not good

If someone helps you out with a loan then your number one priority should be paying them back. Especially when they are your family

HellonHeels · 07/08/2019 02:33

If this were me, the relationship would be over. The gambling alone would make me leave. The unkind comments about me, borrowing money with mo intent to repay and keeping secrets about money are the icing on the cake.

Sorry OP this is not a good man.

movingontosomethingnew · 07/08/2019 02:37

Do not buy a house with this man.

This would be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't be with a gambler.

Original poster
YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 03:00

It has also occurred to me that my parents offered to gift us some money towards our deposit too. He could easily have said they needn't bother now as he's had this massive win. They are happy to gift it to us, but this just shows he would happily take their money without even a second thought. Selfish and an utter arsehole.

Just sat here in a blur and daze really. Don't want to go back to bed next to him. I've been with an addict before so noway I will be staying. Just devastated because I believed he was the one.

OP posts:
Rubyrubyrubyrhubarb · 07/08/2019 03:23

YABU for snooping through his phone.

I hate how normalised this behaviour is on MN and how posters 'suspicions' trump the invasion of a partners privacy, instead of I don't know asking them first?

For someone who apparently doesn't snoop usually you quickly graduated to reading private conversations even after you found a reason for the 'shifty' behaviour.

Maybe leaving would be the best option so he can find a partner who respects his privacy and actually tries to communicate (you don't mention attempting to ask him about it)

Itsallchange · 07/08/2019 03:25

I think the only way your relationship has a chance of surviving is if he is prepared to sit down and go through everything with you, if your looking to buy a house together your relationship on every level should be open and honest, a partnership. If you don’t want to give up on it then see if he’s prepared to do this. But I would be worried about the secrets, and the fact that you have different views on money and debt. Good luck Hun

Alicewond · 07/08/2019 03:30

This is about a gambling addiction, unless he’s willing to admit it and seek treatment you’ll never have an honest relationship

HennyPennyHorror · 07/08/2019 03:36

Ruby if someone's partner is putting them at risk by their behaviour, then they have EVERY right to snoop. These are people who are in intimate relationships, sharing a bed and finances.

Any phone secrecy is weird in such a relationship. Not that one should check all the time but if I suspected my DH was doing something to risk ME then damn right I'd look at his phone.

Rubyrubyrubyrhubarb · 07/08/2019 03:36

I think the only way your relationship has a chance of surviving is if he is prepared to sit down and go through everything with you

I'd add also for it to survive OP needs to learn privacy boundaries.

If you can't even bring yourself to ask for an explanation from someone who in your eyes is the one, and instead jump straight to snooping? Well that's got doomed written all over it.

HennyPennyHorror · 07/08/2019 03:36

OP do you KNOW for certain he has actually saved up? Have you seen his savings in a bank statement? Or is he just telling you what he's got?

Monday55 · 07/08/2019 03:41

I hope you don't have a joint account with him. as soon as he loses that £25k he's going to try and win it back using all the cash reserves he can get hold of. And why does someone on 6 figures want help from family to save for a deposit? He's definitely bad with money. I would steer clear!

feelingsinister · 07/08/2019 03:41

I'd echo what others have said about the potential risks of getting deeper into a relationship with a gambler.

I know one person who is making money from matched betting and they're doing really well but I also know a few people who have had disastrous relationships with people who are gambling addicts. Debt, bailiffs, stress, hiding money etc etc

I would want to know exactly how he is gambling, how much he spends and how regularly he does it but tbh I think I'd just walk away. Secrecy is not a great way to start a life together and it shows such a lack of respect for you which is a bad sign.

Mermaidoutofwater · 07/08/2019 03:46

It’s rubbish that he’s turned out to be like this and I really feel for you.
But how lucky you found out now and not after buying a house/marriage/kids when it is so much harder to disentangle yourself.

HUZZAH212 · 07/08/2019 03:48

@Ruby Are you OP's partner, his friend, or are you just trolling? Why the fuck wouldn't she want to know that someone she's trusted and has been sharing her life with is an absolute Billy bullshitter? Should she just have sat there like a plank and swallowed any old guff he laid on when she asked him? He's not been forthcoming with the facts so he's hardly likely to fall to his knees and tell her anything remotely like the truth if she hadn't looked, is he?

Rubyrubyrubyrhubarb · 07/08/2019 03:48

Henny

Putting her at risk? That's a weak ass justification for dodgy behaviour on OP part, given that the only thing to go on was shifty behaviour whilst looking through photos.

He could've easily been looking at porn. So to go full on detective from those breadcrumbs is pretty shifty imo. Suggests OP is insecure and probably very controlling

Original poster
YellowSunflowers123 · 07/08/2019 03:48

I looked because I was concerned about what images he was hiding or didn’t want me to see. I suspected nude photos or something. I’ve never even suspected he could have a gambling issue, and I am damn glad I did snoop!

I have found more through further snooping which I no longer feel any guilt over. I have found a secret WhatsApp group - turns out ALL of his friendship circle know about this win and he has asked all of them to collude in keeping this a secret.

I have also found another photo (screenshot) of his bank account that I presume, based on emails, he had to send to the betting website to collect the winnings. That small screenshot alone shows he had deposited £400 in a few hours into the gambling website. This isn’t someone putting a few quid on and winning a big jackpot. This screams gambling addict or massive issue or bad with money.

OP posts:
OrangeJellySpread · 07/08/2019 03:55

Ruby, you missed the point. Now off you fuck.

Lofari · 07/08/2019 03:56

Run for the hills OP

OrangeJellySpread · 07/08/2019 03:59

OP, dump him. He doesnt value you that much if he doesnt share good things with you.

Rubyrubyrubyrhubarb · 07/08/2019 04:01

This reply has been deleted

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mathanxiety · 07/08/2019 04:11

@YellowSunflowers123 -
Don't bother responding to that poster.
You looking on the phone is not the problem here.

Your life will be ruined by money, debt and secrecy if you marry this man.
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett has hit the nail on the head.

This is really hard, but there are a lot of red flags here, and you need to steel yourself and leave.

Some of the flags are apparent even without the 'snooping' Hmm. He has a 6 figure job and always has money left over at month's end, but is paying off the relative piecemeal - this is a huge thing that jumps out.

OP, start looking for a flat of your own, take your share of the savings out of the account as soon as you can, and use it as a deposit.

M0RVEN · 07/08/2019 04:18

This would be a deal breaker for me.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 07/08/2019 04:18

Maybe leaving would be the best option so he can find a partner who respects his privacy and actually tries to communicate (you don't mention attempting to ask him about it)

Yeah that's the problem here. HER lack of communication 😂

Op it's awful that he's even saving for a house while he owes someone else money! He should be paying them back as much as he can. If I won money and I owed someone money my first thought would be 'thank god, I'm out of debt. What a relief!'. Not 'how can I keep my money secret'.

Rubyrubyrubyrhubarb · 07/08/2019 04:19

I looked because I was concerned about what images he was hiding or didn’t want me to see. I suspected nude photos or something.

You thought he could be the one yet you didn't rust him enough to give an honest answer about what photos he may have?

That's basic communication in a relationship. You didn't trust him yet thought you could spend your life with him? Madness.

And so if he is a gambling addict? That's recognised as an illness and warrants sympathy and help not scorn and betrayal of trust.

OP good look finding anyone long term as you'll clearly never trust anyone enough to give you an a straight answer, giving you the fucked up justification to rip into their private life (they're entitled to a life outwith your relationship) and if you unearth an issue then fuck 'in sickness and in health' you'll just abandon them.