Daughter wants to take my new tent to festival

[givemestrength123]

DD18 wants to take my new tent - unused to a festival for her friends for 5 days before I have used it to take my younger children away in holiday. She has her own tent but is 'not big enough', mine is. I have said she can take it but I will have to buy a new one as she can't guarantee it won't be trashed. She comes back on Monday we are camping on Wednesday. She has said she will replace the tent if gets ruined but has now asked me to buy food for her festival as she can't afford it.
Since she got paid at the end of the month she's bought 5/ 6 new tops, bags, trousers, shorts for the festivals.

I don't want to go camping with children in a tent which has been slept in for 5 days by random teenagers doing god alone knows what.

I have said she can take the tent but I can't buy the food as I will have to buy another tent. Or she takes her tent back that she's loaned out and I buy the food.

She's now loudly sobbing in her room texting me she can't go now because I won't buy her food.

I have just had a text she's going to clear the cupboards at home to take.

Hey, @givemestrength123 hope you’ve had a good rest.

I think you need to think if your daughter is:

Acting out cos she’s scared of adult life

Trying to make leaving home easier on a warped way by creating a situation that’s so bad it’s a blessing to leave

Or if there are more serious issues that requires intervention from a Psychiatrist.

Regardless you need to take her out and tell her straight that her behaviour is abusive.

Set boundaries with her, and be prepared tell her that a consequence will be her leaving the family home for good.

Very hard convos to have, very hard boundaries to enforce too.

I also think you need to talk to the other children and explain everything.

Where’s her Dad in all of this?

Thanks everyone for your input.

She's off at the festival with her own tent, own money and own food. She's not texted nor called. I don't expect she will.

When she comes home I will be speaking to her. I have read all comments and agree that it's not fair on the younger children. I had a little eye opener with how different her behaviour was whilst her bf was over. Her father was the same at home vile and out and about as lovely as pie.

For those who have asked he and I are not together, he was controlling and selfish. She refuses to have contact with him because of his treatment of her, her siblings and me. If I compare her behaviour to his (I have) she accuses me of being cruel and out of order. She's picked up some awful habits from him and is very like him (I hate saying that).

So I agree it is like an abusive relationship, but as it's my child it's so hard to deal with.

But the long and the short. Foot is down, back bone sprouting. She's not the centre of the universe anymore.

I really think you should stop comparing her behaviour to her father's. Deal with her behaviour yes, but it's really unhelpful to compare. This is about her, no-one else.

She sounds like a brat actually.

Dont let her take your nice tent. The fun of festivals is tiny tents with friends.

Your tent will get chlamydia.

If shes threatened to clear the house of food to take and shes crying about you not being able to.afford something for her after you've already compromised on a nice probably expensive tent then I would withdraw all offers. If she wants to go that badly she will make use of what she does have.

Maybe she can sell some of her old clothes in place of her new ones.. to.afford the food?

Sorry I totally didnt read the full thread. Well done you for standing ground. She will have a great time, big tent or not.

I do think that comparing her to her Dad is useful. It is not only a way of understanding her but also is how she has come by this behaviour.
I guess it is part learned and part inherited.
I have a much older DD and her behaviour is so like her Dad and so not like me yet I brought her up. She only ever saw him occasionally so how did she come to be so similar?
I feel for you OP because it is hard to face up to not liking some of our DD's behaviour.
I do believe that if you are firm with her now it will be more positive as she grows and matures. Also you do not want the younger Dc's to think that they can behave how she does.
I wish you well

@givemestrength123 - you asked for suggestions for strategies to tackle her behaviour. I would start, as you plan to, with a very serious talk. I know she doesn’t like being compared to her father, but that is where I would start - ”I know you don’t want to hear this, but you are behaving like your father - throwing tantrums, intimidating everyone, using verbal and physical aggression to get your way (throwing her dinner is physical aggression in my book) and this CANNOT carry on. When you are out in the world, no-one is going to put up with this sort of behaviour, and you will lose friends, relationships and even jobs, if you behave like this.

We need to find a way forward. I want to help you deal with this, but firstly I have to draw a line in the sand. If you carry behaving so badly there will have to be consequences - what would you suggest? Would you put up with someone behaving like this in your home?

Regarding your DEMAND for money for university - I will not be giving you £50 a week - you will be in catered halls, and if you want or need more money for casual spends - leisure activities, parties, extra food, festivals etc - you will have to get a job and earn the money.”

Set some house rules in consultation with her and the other children, and some consequences for breaking the rules - and stick to them.

I can’t believe you’ve paid for her halls deposit when she acts like this. My mum would have kicked me out.

Last festival I went to, I woke up with a man who had cut a hole in my tent lying on top of me. We left the tent where it was, as do thousands of others!

@CBsDad

Can I just ask, why do you think that it's someone else's job and responsibility to clean up after you?
Every year festivals organisers say the same thing, which is "stop leaving your stuff". The media always highlights the mess left behind. Thousands may be doing it, but every single one of them is wrong. Why don't you clean up after yourself?

@TheInvestigator wow that's quite an aggressive questioning of my morals, did you never do anything 'crazy' in your younger days? Hehe this was some time ago - I didn't say it was someone else's responsibility. Perhaps I sort of assumed that the amount you pay for a ticket it's part of the service and people are paid to take it away but I was highlighting to the OP that many tents are abused and left behind.

I've never heard festival organisers request people take stuff away with them, festival organisers make A LOT of money out of festival goers but you're right, most people who leave their s**t at a festival wouldn't dream of leaving litter in public. But if leaving a tent at a festival is the worst thing I've done...

You’ve done the right thing not letting her take your tent. The last time I went to reading (a couple of years ago) people were literally burning tents on the 2nd night. No way I’d ever go to any festival with a tent I didn’t mind losing!

@angelasashes your comment makes me laugh...!!

? What?
Do you not feed your DD18 when she is at home? Why does she have to buy her own food? My 18yr old just finished A levels, still lives at home, has two jobs but I still bloody well feed her. If she were going camping, I’d give her money to buy food. That is just parental responsibility. You feed your kids.

I mean I'm sorry by at 18 she is an adult.. Yes of course feed her while she lives at home but if she wants to go to a festival then she damn well needs to pay for all the trappings of that whilst at the festival. Christ, my 16 year old son and his friends go camping every weekend, they use their own pocket money (which is not a lot by the way as he needs to be finding a part time job whilst at school) to pay for their own camping food and anything else they want. BTW 16 is adult never mind 18, so your comment about parental responsibility is irrelevant as they are adults. Will you still be feeding her when she goes away when she's 40 😂

OP I've just read your updates. I'd put that wee cow out and she would not be getting back in. Also, who the hell does she thibk she is launching her dinner across the room. I hope to god you launched her across the room. Stop being so soft. She's an adult. Omg I'm absolutely raging on your behalf. I'd love 10 minutes with her to explain to her what is acceptable and what is not!!

It is utterly unreasonable to compare your teenage daughter to her adult father who she has no relationship with, and loathes.

What do you think that does to her head?

Good job you didnt let her take the tent.....its been a nightmare night here in Winchester the wind and rain would certainly have blown your tent away lol...be prepared for tons of muddy washing when shegets home!

She sounds horrendous

Wish! I agree that this girl had been behaving terribly but some of the reactions here are so damning and condemning.
This is the ops daughter who has experienced an abusive father and may well be feeling very anxious underneath about going away from home.
Op I absolutely agree that you need to make it clear that her behaviour is unacceptable and cannot continue and that you will not let her continue to abuse you or the younger ones. However if you can do this whilst still maintaining a relationship it will be so much better.
Decide now while she is still away exactly what specific things are unacceptable and what you will not give way on however she behaves ( eg you won't be paying her £50 a week while at uni, however much she strops) Write it all down so you are clear.
When she gets back, tell her you are going to take her out for a coffee because you have a lot to talk about. Set time aside for this.
Don't just jump in with criticism and rules. Acknowledge she has had a tricky time lately, that she probably still suffers from the effects of her dad's behaviour, that doing A levels and waiting for results is stressful etc ( you know the specifics of what she has been finding hard). Let her know that you are wanting to support her and are still basically on her side
Then talk about how aspects of her behaviour are unacceptable and are having detrimental effects on you all as a family and cannot continue. Explain the things you will no longer accept and what the consequences will be. Tell her how upset your DS was about the birthday and ask her to do something nice with him to repair the relationship. Maybe you will decide on positive ways she needs to contribute to family life before she goes away ( cooking a meal once a week or something or ask her what she thinks she could do) Maybe that feels like a step too far for now though?
Then expect the mother of all strops. She has learned that this is how to deal with things and won't be able to change instantly. Make it clear that you are still on her side and are ready to talk and discuss things with her when she is ready to do so calmly. Then implement whatever consequences you need to to keep you and the other DC's safe while she strops ( take them out for pizza or to a friend's house but plan in advance. DD can come to if she can come calmly and pleasantly and as part of the family but not otherwise as you have a duty to stop her behaviour impacting on the others ( you can tell her this) As best you can keep your calm. Be ready to talk and repair the relationship when she is but also ready to hold your line for quite a while while she discovers you mean what you say.

Very wise words, @EducatingArti.

My daughter is also going to the 5 day festival. I've told her I will provide the food sabi would be feeding her at home anyway but everything else she's had to buy herself. I've let her have a sleeping bag, she's bought the tent, chairs etc. I've bought her little bits and pieces like wipes and toiletries when I've done our food shopping. There is no way that tent is coming back to you. We're not forcing them to go to the festival, it's their choice to go.

The reason free camping at Loch Lomond was banned is because people just walked away from their tents and all their rubbish and expected someone else to tidy it up.
It was disgusting. There was no staff to tidy it.
Now you have to pay and use the provided campsite. Not ideal for skint but responsible families who always tidy up. They are paying the price for others laziness.

Wherever you camp, festival or otherwise, the very least you should do dump your unwanted tent and rubbish at the bins.
I pity the volunteers who have to clear up your vomit covered leavings. If people stop volunteering for cleanup duty you’ll find the ticket prices will rise for us all to cover the cost of hiring paid cleanup staff.
There are consequences for every action. Please be responsible, even with your empty crisp bags when walking down the street. Use a bin. You do at home. It’s easy.

EducatingArti ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐🌼

@Allli i live in Loch Lomond and Trossachs National Park and it isn't just loch Lomond you can't camp at between May and September. I'm in agreement with the new rule though cause when I'm out walking my dogs I'm sick of picking up rubbish tourists leave lying about cause they are too lazy to walk 3 feet to the fucking bin and put it in said fucking bin.

Arti What an excellent plan!

DD is back.

Her first words where everything stinks, and it does! To high heaven.

She's come home with a bad knee and needs to see a physio apparently. She's told me her anxiety levels (self diagnosed) are through the roof. I think she's planning on doing her normal of as soon as she's told something she doesn't like to hear - being desperately ill and it all gets brushed under the carpet.

I let her go to bed and sleep and thought I would deal with her once she's slept, and we are both in a calm place.

Well it didn't happen she had a huge blow up at her brother. Started throwing stuff about - clean washing this time, mine and his. So I was forced to deal with it immediately. After the best part of a week without her in the house and everything being very quiet and tranquil it has escalated very quickly.

So apparently it's all my fault and her brothers, because I treat everyone else differently, I explained the difference with her siblings is I say 'Do XYZ' and they do it. She said it's not fair. I said 'Do you think I treat them better than you?' She said I don't row with them. I said 'No because they do as I say and don't shout, have tempers, throw stuff.'
She tried to drag this out but I told her I am refusing to play the circle game with her. I told her she's behaving abysmally and that it stops now. She denied any bad behaviour, I pointed out just the other day she threw her dinner across the room, she denied this.

Alarm bells went off at this point. It bought me up short. She did then acknowledge it. I have told her she's about to push everyone away that loves her. I have said things are going to be different and that she will be treated the same as her siblings in terms of respect expectations, that things aren't going to always go her way even when she starts throwing stuff and having temper tantrums. She tried to suggest she has built up anger and anxiety issues, so I have told her she's going to the dr's to deal with it because if she's the adult she keeps claiming to be then she must deal with it.

I am now dealing. Thank you for all your help and support.