Daughter wants to take my new tent to festival

[givemestrength123]

DD18 wants to take my new tent - unused to a festival for her friends for 5 days before I have used it to take my younger children away in holiday. She has her own tent but is 'not big enough', mine is. I have said she can take it but I will have to buy a new one as she can't guarantee it won't be trashed. She comes back on Monday we are camping on Wednesday. She has said she will replace the tent if gets ruined but has now asked me to buy food for her festival as she can't afford it.
Since she got paid at the end of the month she's bought 5/ 6 new tops, bags, trousers, shorts for the festivals.

I don't want to go camping with children in a tent which has been slept in for 5 days by random teenagers doing god alone knows what.

I have said she can take the tent but I can't buy the food as I will have to buy another tent. Or she takes her tent back that she's loaned out and I buy the food.

She's now loudly sobbing in her room texting me she can't go now because I won't buy her food.

I have just had a text she's going to clear the cupboards at home to take.

I’m really impressed OP, that sounds really positive.

I would suggest maybe having that talk in a public place so she can’t throw a tantrum.

Just as an aside, what do you mean pass-agh texts? Do you mean from the festival or from Uni?

Do you think your tough love could start with not picking her up if she had a meltdown (if she’s with friends, she should be safe?)

Jeez givemestrength233 I don't want to sound harsh because parenting can be bloody hard but good God you need to toughen up!!!
It's very, very clear who rules the roost in your house and it certainly isn't you!
You might have stood firm re the tent but you still went and got her food! Why????
She's 18! An adult! A bloody spoilt, entitled one at that!
Oh and if she texts or rings having a hissy fit or whatever and insists you come and pick her up DON'T!
You are doing her no favours at all by pandering to her childish behaviour.

Unless she has a complete melt down and I have to drive and go and get her

Why would you even bother? She's 18. An adult. I managed to find my way home from the Reading festival aged 18. There are trains and buses and everything.

Great that you are going to sit her down when she's back, but don't pander with any passive aggressive crap in the meantime, just don't text her at all. And do not go running if she clicks her fingers.

Chances are, her mates will get pissed off with her if she has no food as she will be scrounging theirs. Let alone money for booze/fags.

She sounds like a peach op. I single parent three including an asd 17 year old who thinks he's right about EVERYTHING and tough though it is I refuse to be treated like shit by my kids and I agree with pp that you need a parenting intervention! You sound so ground down it's like living in an abusive relationship.

I agree with howdyalikemenow

You sound so ground down it's like living in an abusive relationship.

You sound so ground down it's like living in an abusive relationship

Yes, this is exactly what it’s like and it’s made me regret my harsher post last night.

That post was projection as my sister was like this, to the point of being sweetness and light to everyone outside the home so no-one would ever have believed her behaviour inside the home.

I post what happened to her, it would be too outing but you can PM me if you want.

Suffice to say, she got away with treating her husband and child exactly the same way up to when she didn’t.

Then she lost everything. EVERYTHING.

And there’s no way she’ll ever get it back.

But the trail of destruction she left in her wake may not ever be resolved.

I've always loathed public events where you're at the mercy of portaloos - never did the dance parties at Hat Rin either.

But until this thread I never really considered the "toilet logistics" of a festival before - and of course it makes COMPLETE sense that some scumbag is going to take a shit in your tent because the portaloos are 7 miles away and full to the brim anyway. boak

I suppose being a woman I'm used to crossing my legs for what seems like days - and in a new relationship when I was younger I could hold a poo in for an entire weekend! but men don't really do that do they?

Given the tents will be pissed on and shit in - are some of you REALLY suggesting they should be given to the homeless?

I wonder how the little madam is behaving now the festival is definitely cancelled?

I’m totally on your side by the way OP, it sounds such a difficult situation to deal with.

Also, I agree with some of the other most recent posters, that sometimes the usual parenting techniques don’t work. Sometimes our children just don’t do what they’re supposed to do in the way everyone else’s children do things. And it’s not your fault, it’s just that it’s much more difficult situation.

You’ll get there though, I believe in you... however exhausting it is right now!

Did she take her own tent in the end?

NotSorry thank you for the link. Another urban myth busted.
We should suggest to the organisers to create a collective of volunteer festival goers to come up with and implement a business idea for repurposing the fabric from these tents. The aluminium bits and bobs can be recycled IF they are taken to a recycling facility.
A bit like this www.elvisandkresse.com/
Of course there is the added non environmental friendly issue of using lots of water and detergents to clean the fabric.

I have said she can take it but I will have to buy a new one as she can't guarantee it won't be trashed

If she wants a bigger tent, she should buy her own - rather than trash yours & have UOU buy another one after the event.

As she can't afford to, she can use her own tent. It's certainly big enough for her. Her friends can sort out their own tents, large or otherwise.

As to an in-work 18 year old lying on her bed sobbing because unless her mother provides a brand new tent & extra food she cannot go: I would be questioning if she is mature enough to go on an unsupervised overnight trip with other teens.

I's also be rather 'meh' about this - Since she got paid at the end of the month she's bought 5/ 6 new tops, bags, trousers, shorts for the festivals. - & think that at 18 it's time to learn about budgeting.

I don't think you should enable her to spend all her month's money on fripperies, then come whinging to you expecting you to go short so that she can still go to this festival despite having already spent the money the trip would have cost. There will be other festivals, & she can learn from what's happened & ensure she budgets properly next time.

I believe she was headed to Boomtown then Reading for those saying it's cancelled. She's not going to Boardmasters and has already gone I think???

I think you need a big talk about budgeting. Also how with greater freedom comes greater responsibility.
She currently wants the freedom but is acting like a child. If she wants to be treated as an adult she needs to behave like one.

I'd also take the opportunity to ask if she's ok. If she's never been like this before then clearly something is going on. Be it anxiety or drugs. If you can get to the bottom of this it will help.

Talk about uni and what is likely to happen if she doesn't budget properly. Obviously she does need a budget for fun but it doesn't have to be big. If she needs more then she needs to plan how to get it. Go through the loans, costs etc. Don't just pay for the halls etc without putting it into context. Make her see the overall picture not just the bits where mum is being mean.

Stand firm. You are currently enabling her.

For a start you went to the supermarket. Doing it for her. You should have given her x amount and made her responsible for getting it. Back off doing every thing for her. She needs independence not babying.
Don't pick her up if she wants to get home. If she's old enough to go, she's old enough to make her own way home.

She's an adult. Treat her like one. Only intervene if it impacts on others, ergo you and the kids.

@givemestrength123 Is it Newquay she’s going to? Does she know it’s cancelled?

She’s going to Boomtown which is not cancelled- Boardmasters is the one in Newquay which has been cancelled.
Glad your tent will remain intact op

You want some strategies? Treat her like an adult? Start charging her board to live at home. A sliding scale, dependent on what she puts in re chores. (But she must contribute a token amount financially if she is staying there - you can save this for her if you wish....) She needs to start treating the members of your household with respect or she will be asked to leave.
She can get a job and pay a hell of a lot more to live elsewhere, do more around the house and watch her manners with people, or she will be asked to leave.
Your daughter sounds manipulative at best. She may be developing narcissistic tendencies. At 25 there is a limited opportunity to change things. She needs a very quick reality dose.

Unless she has a complete melt down and I have to drive and go and get her.

No you don't have to.

I agree with PPs comparisons to an abusive relationship. This is from the CPS website:

Coercive behaviour is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim

Controlling behaviour is a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

Are you actually scared of her?

Unless she has a complete melt down and I have to drive and go and get her.

Oh my God! Seriously woman, you do know your pandering and enabling has contributed to this delightful behaviour.

It’s difficult to be sympathetic when you’ve made this rod for your own back.

I've got Two points to add

Not all festival goers leave their tents and rubbish, I've just got home after being at the Green Gathering and the site is restored to its original, parkland, grazing state by Tues. No rubbish left, nearly 80% of all waste recycled or composted.

The crime of Coercive control doesn't just apply to partners, it includes close family members. Like your daughter, OP.

Tell her to sell her Reading ticket then she'll have plenty to spend at Boomtown.

She's a brat. But you already know that.

It's your other children I feel most sorry for.

If I were you, I'd get all strategies etc sorted before she comes back. Then sit her down and lay down the fucking law. She has no right to treat other people in the house like she is doing. If it continues, there will be repercussions. Mean them. Carry them out. Stop pandering to her shit.

No to giving her your tent if she has one already. Yes to giving her reasonable food money as you presumably pay for her food at home.

I hope this isn't the Boardmasters festival - it's been cancelled.

My son used to go to Leeds festival and Glastonbury every year and would buy a cheap festival tent every time as they were regarded as being disposable. Him and his mates would buy their own alcohol and I would help them with food and occasionally a few beers. I didn’t spend any more on him than I would have done had he been at home, the arrangement seemed to suit everyone 👍🏻

Having read the thread it's time for you to grow a back bone.

It's not easy but it must be done. Your daughter is unpleasant and is ruling you and your household.

Enough is enough. She needs to go off to uni and support herself. Time to be an adult.