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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

'unusually taken' with my 10yr old DD

175 replies

Diamondweeza · 06/08/2019 14:20

This is how my DH's mum described her partner's feelings towards our DD. First (and ONLY!) time he came to stay he kept saying how beautiful she is, and made references to her wearing a bra (she's a child in an A cup/vest top). DD is not comfortable with it, neither are OH & I, and I told MIL that we were all uncomfortable with his attention to DD. She lives about 200 miles from us, and we haven't seen him since Easter, but MIL and this guy are still seeing a lot of eachother. She admits he loves kids and pretty little girls, and says it's in a genuine sweet way, but it creeps me out. He has grown kids with their own families.

OH's mum has come to stay for a few days and yesterday, first breakfast, with OH out of the room, she says to DD, "I see my granddaughter is developing a bust!". I just glared at her, said "hmm" and steered conversation to other things.

DD and I have good communication about body issues, she knows getting boobs is normal and nothing to be ashamed of, but doesn't really want to make a conversation about it, and I don't think it's appropriate chat from gran who sees her probably 3/4 times a year. DD has a positive body image, but was uncomfortable around this guy... we all were.

In most things, I get along fine with MIL, but I've really lost my cool with this and am now just trying to get through the week. I've spoken to OH and explained why I'm fuming, and he gets and is glad that for historic family reasons I'm very sensitive to what I see as even mildly perving on children.

A) AIBU? I also came on yesterday, so may be in hormonal overreaction!
B) if no, do I talk with her? I will be opening a nasty can of worms if I do, but I don't think she gets how I see this as the thin end of creepy. She knows the historic issues (stemming from her side of the family, no longer a threat, but not forgotten by me) and seems to be overlooking them.

Really don't know how to proceed.

OP posts:
NoSauce · 06/08/2019 14:23

Unusually taken. With a 10 year old?

Fuck that one OP. Honestly I wouldn’t be seeing him again.

Etino · 06/08/2019 14:24

He's not there now?

I'd be extremely uncomfortable about her as well, maybe say, 'eughhh MIL, give DD a bit of privacy, no young girl ever wants to talk about her body!'

Tartsamazeballs · 06/08/2019 14:24

I'd run a fucking mile. But then my grandad was a kiddy fiddler too 🤷🏼‍♀️

ambereeree · 06/08/2019 14:27

Who made the reference to her bra grandmother or weird man? Either way I'd be keeping him away from your daughter.

SootySueandSweeptoo · 06/08/2019 14:29

This reply has been withdrawn

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Sexnotgender · 06/08/2019 14:29

He’s a predator and she’s fucking weird. I’d keep my daughter far, far away from them both.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 06/08/2019 14:29

he kept saying how beautiful she is, and made references to her wearing a bra

Euw euw euw.
YANBU Keep this man a million miles from her.
I have had safeguarding conversations with my nearly 10yo and I think it's important to have them in an age appropriate way.

BobbleHat102 · 06/08/2019 14:29

Oh my days, that is all kinds of fucked up. I'd genuinely think about asking the police about the partner under Sarah's law (Claire's law?? Forget which one is for potential kiddy fiddlers).

This is not ok. Sounds to me like an abuser testing boundaries, and normalizing inappropriate topics. Unless you spent the last 30 years under a rock, you know that this kind of thing is just....not ok.

thaegumathteth · 06/08/2019 14:29

There’s no way he’d be seeing my daughter again whether that caused issues or not and is definitely explain to mil why you are all uncomfortable .

SittingAround1 · 06/08/2019 14:29

Trust your instincts. I'd keep her far away from this man and I'd tell MIL why.

Your poor DD, only 10 and she's already got men perving over her.

Rockbird · 06/08/2019 14:30

No way would my daughter be sharing any space with this man. My eldest is 11 and would run a mile if someone spoke to her like that. That's not how you talk about children.

Sunandrainallconfusedhere · 06/08/2019 14:30

Google his full name.
He sounds like a pervert. May have form...
And mil sounds fucking disturbed.

MadameJosephine · 06/08/2019 14:34

There’s no way this man would ever come near my child again, he sounds like a pervert.

I’d also consider speaking to the police about him under a Sarah’s law application but even if that was clear I’d still give him a very wide berth

www.sarsas.org.uk/sarahs-law/

Diamondweeza · 06/08/2019 14:35

Testing boundaries and normalising inappropriate conversation is Exactly what I've been feeling. Thank you all for giving feedback, I will discuss with OH best action, but I'm very glad I asked for a sense-check.

Ps he first asked DD if she was wearing a bra some months ago, MIL mentioned bust yesterday, to clarify

OP posts:
0nTheEdge · 06/08/2019 14:36

He sounds like a perv, and she's getting desensitised to it. I wouldn't trust him anywhere near your daughter or have her alone with Grandma whilst she's dating the creep.

HeadintheiClouds · 06/08/2019 14:37

Keep your daughter away from both of these weirdos...

AutumnCrow · 06/08/2019 14:37

Sounds like he's grooming granny to groom you all.

Has granny been exposed to abuse herself, possibly normalised it in her head to protect herself emotionally in the past? Be very very careful with this.

Trust your gut and keep them both away as you see fit. I would, tbh. You can't trust them.

pinkstar01 · 06/08/2019 14:38

I'm speechless, he asked if your 10 year old DD was wearing a bra and you're not sure if that's creepy? He's a total pervert and even worse they both don't see anything wrong with their behavior? Ew ew ew

MaderiaCycle · 06/08/2019 14:40

Have a look at stop it now / Lucy faithful foundation. They can give you advice if you call them or there’s stuff online.

Diamondweeza · 06/08/2019 14:40

Ps he is most definitely not here now, Etino, a good 200 miles away!

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 06/08/2019 14:41

As for how to proceed - tell her she can't visit while she dating creep-man and you don't like her own behaviour since she met him. Be honest.I

She may well act up it who cares? She was happy enough embarrassing your daughter in order to run back to creep-man with her salacious story.

ThisIsMyBuick · 06/08/2019 14:42

I’ve got two teenage daughters and nobody has ever said anything to me ever ever about their underwear or their bodies changing during puberty. It’s not the norm in any way.

Oldraver · 06/08/2019 14:43

No man should be asking a 10 year old if they are wearing a bra or any other comment about them 'developing' of chest size.

I had to endure men openly in front of my parents commenting..my your getting a BIG girl, while looking at my chest (was wearing a bra form about 10).

It's gross and inappropriates of him

AuntieAvocado · 06/08/2019 14:43

Yeah he’d never be allowed contact with my child again. That’s seriously creepy.

And your mil is a bit odd too, it’s weird to comment on a ten year old developing breasts, every knows they’re not going to want to discuss it.

sockatoe · 06/08/2019 14:44

Sounds like MiL is trying to make her partner's interest in pubescent girls appear normal by talking about it too.
MiL needs to be spoken to about boundaries. Her partner needs to never visit again. And hopefully your DD will be happy to have the conversation about how she can react in future if someone makes her feel uncomfortable. Sounds like you have it all in hand. So disappointed in MiL trying to facilitate him

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