Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'unusually taken' with my 10yr old DD

175 replies

Diamondweeza · 06/08/2019 14:20

This is how my DH's mum described her partner's feelings towards our DD. First (and ONLY!) time he came to stay he kept saying how beautiful she is, and made references to her wearing a bra (she's a child in an A cup/vest top). DD is not comfortable with it, neither are OH & I, and I told MIL that we were all uncomfortable with his attention to DD. She lives about 200 miles from us, and we haven't seen him since Easter, but MIL and this guy are still seeing a lot of eachother. She admits he loves kids and pretty little girls, and says it's in a genuine sweet way, but it creeps me out. He has grown kids with their own families.

OH's mum has come to stay for a few days and yesterday, first breakfast, with OH out of the room, she says to DD, "I see my granddaughter is developing a bust!". I just glared at her, said "hmm" and steered conversation to other things.

DD and I have good communication about body issues, she knows getting boobs is normal and nothing to be ashamed of, but doesn't really want to make a conversation about it, and I don't think it's appropriate chat from gran who sees her probably 3/4 times a year. DD has a positive body image, but was uncomfortable around this guy... we all were.

In most things, I get along fine with MIL, but I've really lost my cool with this and am now just trying to get through the week. I've spoken to OH and explained why I'm fuming, and he gets and is glad that for historic family reasons I'm very sensitive to what I see as even mildly perving on children.

A) AIBU? I also came on yesterday, so may be in hormonal overreaction!
B) if no, do I talk with her? I will be opening a nasty can of worms if I do, but I don't think she gets how I see this as the thin end of creepy. She knows the historic issues (stemming from her side of the family, no longer a threat, but not forgotten by me) and seems to be overlooking them.

Really don't know how to proceed.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/08/2019 18:57

I think kiddy fiddler is very offensive. The term expresses to my mind the utter disgust that child molesters arouse in me. And, as Tartsamazeballs rightly says, she's entitled to call her abuser whatever she likes.

thornyhousewife · 07/08/2019 19:24

It's frightening that you even have to ask if this is something to be concerned about.

Yes. It is.

Now protect your ten year old child.

Rachelover40 · 08/08/2019 01:27

ballsdeep:, I thought a 'kiddy fiddler' was a paedo.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/08/2019 05:02

Rachelover - yes, that's right.

I think it's an unpleasant term and it rouses such disgust in people because it's quite graphic - paedophile is a much "politer" word, although means the same.

But I think what Tartsamazeballs is referring to (and I could be wrong) is that there are some people (usually the perverts themselves) who are trying to have it classified as an "alternate sexuality" - minor-attracted persons is another phrase that is used - and there are others who consider it a mental illness.

DanaPhoenix · 08/08/2019 06:27

Oh OP that's appalling. Your DD has been made to feel uncomfortable, she, at 10, can sense this isn't right but not quite sure yet how to articulate it. That's her instincts kicking in.

I was approached by a paedo in the street when I was 10, lots of small talk that I politely replied to, until I started to get the sense that something was a bit off. I thankfully managed to get away. Statistically though that encounter is quite rare. Most children will be abused by someone they know. Abusers will often befriend single parents, one tried with my mum... they'd been on a few dates and I (13 but small for my age) arrived home one day to find this man I hadn't met sitting on the sofa. My mum introduced us I replied politely then he said "aren't you a pretty little girl, come over here (patted his knee) and gimme a hug." My impolite response "Get Fucked you Pervert". Needless to say my mother showed him the door.

I agree with pp that are concerned he is grooming your MIL I would urge you to exercise extreme caution in what kind of contact you allow DD to have with her. I'm quite sure she would never willingly put your daughter in harms way, but these predators can be very clever and manipulative. Sadly she seems to be caught up in the romance of a new relationship and this is skewing her judgment.

finn1020 · 08/08/2019 06:54

I totally agree with the posters who’ve said MIL is getting desensitised to this type of predatory behaviour. She made a creepy inappropriate comment about your daughter (was it in front of her too?) which could well be because her partner is commenting on little girls bodies as part of normal conversation. So gross and icky. I’d never trust MIL alone with your daughter either, while I doubt she’d do anything predatory, she might decide it’s quite ok to take a photo of your daughter and send it to her partner, or leave them alone together. He sounds sick and vile.

OneStepSideways · 08/08/2019 06:55

I would ban him from your house and keep him away from DD!

As for mil making reference to her developing a bust I think that's quite normal for grandmas? I remember my lovely grandma being astonished when I grew boobs (age 9) and announcing it to the family over dinner, along with lots of references to me growing up and becoming a young lady, she also told me I was beautiful and would be like a honeypot to the boys! My dad and grandpa looked mortified but I was rather proud of my new figure and happy to have it acknowledged! A couple of years later she took me shopping to buy bras and new clothes, and gave me lots of her jewellery and make up, a sort of rite of passage into adolescence. She used to make comments like 'all the boys are looking at you' when we were out and my dad would tell her off, but I enjoyed feeling attractive. My parents very much ignored my transition into puberty and i was a shy child, not beautiful, but my grandma gave me a bit of confidence about my figure that never left me.

ethelfleda · 08/08/2019 07:07

Jeez that is incredibly creepy. YANBU OP and I’m not one to call ‘paedophile’ lightly!

Fizzysours · 08/08/2019 07:12

The most careful research suggests a huge number, maybe a third, of girls are sexually abused or harrassed during childhood. Thank god for mums like you, alert to the dangers. This man is a danger and would not be near a child of mine.

Vulpine · 08/08/2019 07:14

Surely the term kiddy fiddler is only offensive to paedophiles

EggysMom · 08/08/2019 07:18

MIL will defend him and say it was an 'innocent comment'. Trust your instincts and ensure your daughter is NEVER alone with either of them.

londonrach · 08/08/2019 07:18

Suspect he has history as sarahs law please op. He also grooming your mil. Your dd should not be near either of them!

Pikapikachooo · 08/08/2019 07:26

No not hormonal op
It’s weird as fuck

Just bloody hard to handle without triggering a nuclear family row

But listen hard to those spider senses

TeddybearBaby · 08/08/2019 07:32

Sounds like you’ve already said something to her (from your first paragraph) and she made excuses for him so what would you like to add? I agree with you by the way but I don’t think she’ll hear it.

My daughter is 10. I’m not sure how I’d take all of what you’ve described tbh. Thank goodness she’s 200 miles away, although 4 visits a year sounds too much atm! It’s a really yuk feeling isn’t it.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 08/08/2019 07:42

It made my skin crawl to read the 'unusually taken with' sentence 🤢
Can you challenge your mil 'why are we talking about underwear mil? Not our usual topics of conversation, hows (insert hobby) going?'

MyOtherProfile · 08/08/2019 07:48

Did you Google him OP?

We had an uncle who wanted to come and stay but made me uncomfortable. We googled him and found we were right to go with our instincts.

MzHz · 08/08/2019 07:53

Is your mil still there?
How long is she going to be there? Could the trip be cut short? Or could you and dd go elsewhere for a day or so until she’s gone?

I’d never have her back in my house if I were you. Dh can go see her/them.

Ellmau · 08/08/2019 07:57

Definitely creepy and concerning.

I'm wondering how MIL treated the 'historic issues' in the family as well.

SingingLily · 08/08/2019 08:19

I couldn't stand my uncle. I couldn't bear being anywhere near him, although he was never unpleasant to me. Once when he was staying at our house, my mother got ready to bathe me in a tub in the sitting room as she normally did and I refused point blank. This was unusual for me as I was such a shy and compliant child. My mother got very cross with me (not unusual for me; she was a cold hearted and emotionally abusive mother) but I said I wouldn't undress unless he left the room. I was very clear I wasn't comfortable him being there. I would have been no more than five or six at the time. In the end, she grudgingly agreed to hold up the towel to shield me from his view - he never left the room - and I was forced to accept this although I complained bitterly throughout.

My parents lost touch with him over the years, much to my relief, but about 20 years later, we learned he had been imprisoned. You know what I'm going to say, don't you? He'd indecently assaulted two little girls known to him. Men like that do not change. Their creepiness manifests itself in ways that are not always obvious.

I am so glad you are protecting your child. Nothing else matters - and if that means upsetting your MiL, so be it. Your daughter comes first.

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2019 08:31

Her grandmother has a high radar for what's going to attract her partner. That's why she mentioned uour daughters chest.

However you chose to address this, I think it's critical you keep her away from this man. Even if he behaves himself. He will be looking and thinking it and it's nauseating and not fair on uour daughter.

icelollycraving · 08/08/2019 08:37

Obviously he is a repulsive pervert. Your mil talking about her bust is quite an old fashioned thing that one of my old relatives may well have said. I developed young.
I find the posts saying kiddie fiddler disgusting, such a horrible expression.
Keep your child away from him and call him out on it. If a man asked my dd at 10 if she was wearing a bra, I would have called them out on it immediately.

HeadintheiClouds · 08/08/2019 09:01

Why does the term kiddy fiddler arouse far more disgust than the behaviour it describes? What good is sanitising how we speak about disgusting things to make them sound less revolting??

freeingNora · 08/08/2019 09:11

Yanbu the guy is grooming your mil that's how they do it and they rely on the family being too nice to say anything

You can do an enquiry to the police to see if he is on the sex offenders register as confirmation of your instinct

There's a great book called protecting the gift well worth a read

Vulpine · 08/08/2019 09:13

Agree headintheclouds

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 08/08/2019 09:23

Even commenting on her bra is abusive in my opinion. Please keep her away from him and never allow him to be in her company again.

Swipe left for the next trending thread