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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'unusually taken' with my 10yr old DD

175 replies

Diamondweeza · 06/08/2019 14:20

This is how my DH's mum described her partner's feelings towards our DD. First (and ONLY!) time he came to stay he kept saying how beautiful she is, and made references to her wearing a bra (she's a child in an A cup/vest top). DD is not comfortable with it, neither are OH & I, and I told MIL that we were all uncomfortable with his attention to DD. She lives about 200 miles from us, and we haven't seen him since Easter, but MIL and this guy are still seeing a lot of eachother. She admits he loves kids and pretty little girls, and says it's in a genuine sweet way, but it creeps me out. He has grown kids with their own families.

OH's mum has come to stay for a few days and yesterday, first breakfast, with OH out of the room, she says to DD, "I see my granddaughter is developing a bust!". I just glared at her, said "hmm" and steered conversation to other things.

DD and I have good communication about body issues, she knows getting boobs is normal and nothing to be ashamed of, but doesn't really want to make a conversation about it, and I don't think it's appropriate chat from gran who sees her probably 3/4 times a year. DD has a positive body image, but was uncomfortable around this guy... we all were.

In most things, I get along fine with MIL, but I've really lost my cool with this and am now just trying to get through the week. I've spoken to OH and explained why I'm fuming, and he gets and is glad that for historic family reasons I'm very sensitive to what I see as even mildly perving on children.

A) AIBU? I also came on yesterday, so may be in hormonal overreaction!
B) if no, do I talk with her? I will be opening a nasty can of worms if I do, but I don't think she gets how I see this as the thin end of creepy. She knows the historic issues (stemming from her side of the family, no longer a threat, but not forgotten by me) and seems to be overlooking them.

Really don't know how to proceed.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 06/08/2019 18:05

Some women, especially of the older generations I think do minimise this sort of thing
When mils partner was accused of groping her 15 year old niece she went from claiming it never happened to “ I was groped plenty of times when I was younger and I’m ok”
It’s the Jimmy Saville generation where Pervy men aren’t challenged because of who they are or because they are men and so somehow are entitled

lavenderbluedilly · 06/08/2019 18:21

Agree with those who say to avoid both of them. Your DD needs to see that this is inappropriate and that you have her back.

dollydaydream114 · 06/08/2019 18:22

It is beyond weird for your MIL's partner to ask your 10-year-old if she's wearing a bra. This isn't a grey area - it's absolutely 100% not OK.

I had a couple of great-uncles who would always make a big fuss of me when I was a kid and would call me beautiful, but they'd call my brother a handsome little lad and stuff as well and it never came across as even remotely pervy or weird - there's a difference between making a fuss of kids and having a reputation for 'liking pretty little girls' and asking them about their underwear. YANBU or oversensitive here at all, and from what you've said it sounds like your daughter was also uneasy about this man too.

AlwaysCheddar · 06/08/2019 18:47

That’s just so wrong...,

CruCru · 06/08/2019 18:53

The thing is, chances are that he’ll have said other, less blatant things than asking about bras. It will add up over time.

I remember an ex boyfriend who told me that he’d met his cousin’s new partner and the new partner’s daughter and he said “She’s going to break a few hearts!” This grossed me out but I couldn’t work out why at the time - I think it was because he was an adult assessing a 8 / 9 / 10 year old for “hotness” - current or potential.

Rachelover40 · 06/08/2019 18:54

He certainly does sound like a weirdo, thank goodness he lives so far away from you!

Next time your mother in law wants to come to yours, make sure she leaves him behind.

riotlady · 06/08/2019 19:56

Yanbu and I would not be letting that man anywhere NEAR my daughter.

Aridane · 07/08/2019 07:55

He m

ballsdeep · 07/08/2019 08:03

Thus has creeped me out and made me feel uncomfortable reading it. I'd keep well away. Your mil sounds like an enabler.

Posters calling paedophiles 'kiddy fiddlers' up thread also creep me out. What a horrible term

WhyBirdStop · 07/08/2019 08:13

He would sound my alarm bells and I've worked with people with sexual offences, what male relative talks about anyone's bra? Men who mention women's boobs/bra generally are creepy and this is a little girl. I'm not concerned about the phrase 'unusually taken' my aunt says it about DS she is very openly not maternal/child friendly but really likes DS, she says he has character (he's a baby but hey what do I know). Your MIL speaking with you when no one else is around saying, oh gosh I can't believe how grown up she's getting, or how quickly she's developing, it wasn't long ago she was toddling around etc would be ok, so without knowing the context and whether she just randomly said oh she's getting a bust, is be reluctant to condemn.
A Sarah's law check would be appropriate as your child has contact with him and he has stayed in your home. If he does have any previous allegations/convictions the police would want to know this intel anyway.

Happysummer2020 · 07/08/2019 08:20

It sounds like the GM"s partner has made additional comments about your DD to her behind the scenes to the point where she feels it's ok to comment on her developing body.

Someone made a good comment earlier which was she is a 'perv launderer'.

They are both a disgrace. Will your DP support you in keeping them away from your DD?

flappi · 07/08/2019 08:23

Get him the fuck away from your daughter . And tell you mil to stop being so sick commenting about your daughters boobs

happinessischocolate · 07/08/2019 08:37

Google his full name.
He sounds like a pervert. May have form...

Don't rely on an internet search, Google won't show any results for convictions once the conviction is spent.

For definite information go to the Police and quote Sarah's law.

I did find a report of a conviction by going on to the local newspapers website and searched for the persons name on the website, but that was just luck that they'd done an item on him.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/08/2019 08:50

I've never worked in a field where safeguarding was an issue but I've learned a lot about it in the last couple of years on the Feminism Chat board. And one thing I learned that's very relevant here is that paedophiles don't typically start by grooming children. They start by grooming the adults around the children.

Sounds like this is what this creep is doing with your MIL. If you want any relationship with her you and your DH are going to have to wake MIL up to just how inappropriate this man's comments were.

Siameasy · 07/08/2019 09:03

Yes that’s true they do groom the adults. Remember that Tia Sharp case? The “step grandfather” had had relationships with both the mother and the grandmother and I suspect he was having a “relationship” (in his head) with the girl. Plus some women are pathetic when it comes to men and will do anything to excuse their man’s behaviour. You will be the bad guy for pointing it out but stand firm.

shockthemonkey · 07/08/2019 09:24

Haven’t rtft but have read OP and OP updates and really like Frickett’s and Disguise’s advice/ thoughts.

Nasty nasty business, well done for protecting your daughter

Tartsamazeballs · 07/08/2019 13:46

@ballsdeep peadophile is being appropriated into a cross between a sexuality and a condition and I'm not ok with using that term.

Topseyt · 07/08/2019 14:34

I'd be telling MIL bluntly that this perv she calls a partner must never be brought to your house again, and that while he and MIL continue to share a home (I'm assuming they do?) then DD will not be taken to their house. Not at all.

I'd also tell her that if SHE continues to comment inappropriately on your DD's body then SHE will no longer be welcome to visit you and she will lose any contact with DD.

I would not be leaving DD alone with MIL even if perv isn't present. She sounds as though she is being influenced by his predatory tendencies and is starting to normalise his behaviour. So she may not be a safe person to look after DD on her own. Don't take that risk.

Aridane · 07/08/2019 14:49

Ugh - could be ‘just ‘ like the ‘creepy uncle ‘ those of us of a certain age experienced and where nothing went further than inappropriate looks, off colour comments and hand resting too long on shoulder. But ugh keep the man away from your child. He’s a risk to her and at best his comments will upset/unsettle her)

QualCheckBot · 07/08/2019 14:52

Please keep your DD away from both of them and accept no excuses for contact.

It would be horrible for a child to hear these sort of comments, and potentially quite damaging.

ballsdeep · 07/08/2019 18:10

@tartsamazeballs
Maybe so but kiddy fiddler is highly offensive and certainly lends itself to a paedophile

Tartsamazeballs · 07/08/2019 18:15

I'll call my abuser what I like, thanks.

Tartsamazeballs · 07/08/2019 18:17

Trust me when I say I've got a lot of much more offensive names I could use in relation to him.

sackrifice · 07/08/2019 18:22

Does he have access to any family kids? Nieces etc?

Powerof4 · 07/08/2019 18:52

Sounds absolutely like he's grooming you all and trying out what he can get away with. Definitely talk to her but be prepared for her to show defensive rage

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