'unusually taken' with my 10yr old DD

[Diamondweeza]

This is how my DH's mum described her partner's feelings towards our DD. First (and ONLY!) time he came to stay he kept saying how beautiful she is, and made references to her wearing a bra (she's a child in an A cup/vest top). DD is not comfortable with it, neither are OH & I, and I told MIL that we were all uncomfortable with his attention to DD. She lives about 200 miles from us, and we haven't seen him since Easter, but MIL and this guy are still seeing a lot of eachother. She admits he loves kids and pretty little girls, and says it's in a genuine sweet way, but it creeps me out. He has grown kids with their own families.

OH's mum has come to stay for a few days and yesterday, first breakfast, with OH out of the room, she says to DD, "I see my granddaughter is developing a bust!". I just glared at her, said "hmm" and steered conversation to other things.

DD and I have good communication about body issues, she knows getting boobs is normal and nothing to be ashamed of, but doesn't really want to make a conversation about it, and I don't think it's appropriate chat from gran who sees her probably 3/4 times a year. DD has a positive body image, but was uncomfortable around this guy... we all were.

In most things, I get along fine with MIL, but I've really lost my cool with this and am now just trying to get through the week. I've spoken to OH and explained why I'm fuming, and he gets and is glad that for historic family reasons I'm very sensitive to what I see as even mildly perving on children.

A) AIBU? I also came on yesterday, so may be in hormonal overreaction!
B) if no, do I talk with her? I will be opening a nasty can of worms if I do, but I don't think she gets how I see this as the thin end of creepy. She knows the historic issues (stemming from her side of the family, no longer a threat, but not forgotten by me) and seems to be overlooking them.

Really don't know how to proceed.

Trust your instincts. Not only keep your dd away from him, I would not let your dd be alone with her grandmother ever again. YANBU

@headintheclouds

I never ever said that it didn't disgust me
I said the term kiddy fiddler is offensive.

I think there’s a bit in Bridget Jones’s Diary where she describes Christmas as “that time where you have to “talk nicely” to perverts with the prefix “Uncle” while they stare freely at your breasts”. It isn’t Proust but Helen Fielding described this really well. No one should have to put up with situations like this, particularly within their own family.

Alarm bells all over here, none of this is appropriate talk , protect your child against embarassment an potential abuse. She needs t know she doesnt need to hear this

I'll bet he's got form, even if he's never been convicted.

I once thought a friend of a friend was slightly odd in a way I couldn't quite place my finger on. Nothing as overt as this, and I didn't have kids so no one to put in harm's way.

It turned out he was out on licence after spending a number of years in prison for raping a child in his care. Mutual friend didn't know either. After finding that out there were a number of things that he'd said that made me uncomfortable in retrospect.

Trust your instincts OP. Google his name, and as your DD's parent you can also seek disclosure under Sarah's Law, which I would strongly advise you to do. Regardless of the outcome, I wouldn't be leaving a child alone in the same room as him - Jimmy Saville would have had a clear DBS check.

What everyone else said: there is just no innocent reason why an adult man would be commenting on a child's underwear. He's grooming your MIL. "Unusually taken" with her my arse.

As for her comments on your daughter's body, that's grim as well. I used to hate people commenting on my chest when I was going through puberty, it was excruciatingly embarrassing and made me really self-conscious. Grannies can be right terrible for doing that. Tell her that Mr Molest isn't welcome and she can keep her comments to herself.

Oh, and I wouldn't count on Sarah's Law to find out if this guy is really a nonce- Anna Salter (author of a must-read book called Predators) found that on average, a typical sex offender often carried out thousands of individual assaults on dozens of victims before they were ever caught.

Next time she says anything about your dd's bust or anything inappropriate or that makes you or your dd uncomfortable, just say 'What a strange thing to be interested in'. Because it is, your instinct is right.

Hey I'm sorry I've used the term kiddy fiddler to describe my minor attracted person grandfather, let's not disrupt the thread debating it eh?

I obviously should have said "dirty fucking nonce" and been done with it

Kiddy fiddler is an awful term. Imo it somewhat lessens the severity of the meaning.

Tartsamazeballs - 💐 for you, together with my best wishes. I wouldn't have pulled punches either.

tarts I think you have every right to call the dirty fucker whatever name you choose. I do think though that 'kiddy fiddler' is a kind of almost friendly term (perhaps friendly is the wrong word) which minimises what these bastards do. Which should never happen. But your experience - your choice of what to call the bastard.

Ewwww, Stay away from him! And keep your kiddie away from him!

NoSauce Kiddy fiddler is an awful term. Imo it somewhat lessens the severity of the meaning.

No way! It's graphic and horrible which reflects the severity of the term but the correct terminology is always more chilling.

PerfPower
Next time she says anything about your dd's bust or anything inappropriate or that makes you or your dd uncomfortable, just say 'What a strange thing to be interested in'. Because it is, your instinct is right.

Yes! What PeriPower said, I meant to say that at the end of my last post. Also wanted to say, "Good luck!".

Yuk!

YANBU to keep MiL at arms’s length & her ‘friend’ even further.
PP pointed out that grooming starts with adults around the child.

It is one thing for Auntie to notice that a niece or nephew (both at the moment as it happens) is embracing puberty & speak with their mum to acknowledge this. But making comment to the child is intrusive, boundary barging & not on.

Red flag, trust your instincts.

She admits he loves kids and pretty little girls, and says it's in a genuine sweet way

Have you asked her what's genuinely sweet about going on about a 10 year old wearing a bra. It sounds like he obsesses about it a bit which is why she thinks it's OK to talk about it.

Thanks again for all your thoughts. Update to say MIL has just gone home, back to the arms of the creep. I was on full alert the whole rest of the visit and nothing else happened untoward, but:

• I have googled him and no red flags, however I'm not at any ease with that because it simply means he hasn't been caught and prosecuted.
• I spoke with my SIL when she and my niece arrived at MILs some months ago, on the same stay as he'd been gross to DD, to warn her what had happened and my huge concerns. She got it and said she'd watch like a hawk for her DD.
• When he did come to stay several months ago, DH (DD's father) and I were so uncomfortable with him that DH was hanging out on the landing outside DD's room to make sure creep didn't approach. Why we didn't kick creep out there and then, neither of us knew... stupid wish to not cause trouble. There is no way he's coming back.
• We will have to agree how to proceed with Christmases etc, because I completely agree that gran is unconsciously enabling this creep, and didn't bring up DD's chest to hurt anyone, but doesn't see how she's enabling. She loves her grandchildren, and us, but she's dumb as hell for not seeing the danger, and will be very upset to lose them. But we will always put DD and DS before her feelings. We will have to talk with MIL before we agree to bring the kids to her house again, because I am convinced she doesn't see his harm and wouldn't keep him away.
• I promise here and now to cause a scene if any more casual creeping occurs, from anyone! I guess we've been brought up to be polite and just gloss over unpleasantness, but harassing my kids is beyond the pale, and gloves are off going forward.

I'm knackered, happy to end this thread here. Big hugs to everyone who read this and was traumatised by it. Just one awful person can cause so much damage to our lives

That’s a pretty enormous drip feed, op! He stayed over at Christmas and was so creepy you actually stood guard outside your dd’s bedroom door? When were you planning on dealing with this?

God OP, how awful.

I agree, MIL will need to choose.

If it were me, Xmas would be at my house with MiL ONLY invited. If she wasn't a to decline because he isn't included so be it.

As far as getting together with your siblings, I'd start a traditional of an Informal get-together a week or so before Xmas to exchange gifts. My family rotated hosting every year. That way Xmas day was celebrated with just our immediate family.

Why are people using the term kiddy fiddlers for paedophiles? People are - rightly - horrified at the term child porn, but kiddy fiddler is acceptable??

Well done op

Well done OP.

He's a paedophile and she's either an enabler or an excuser. Either way, she will never see wrong in his actions and will defend him to the hilt.

I'd go no contact with her, or very limited contact. Be wary that every thing you share with MIL about your daughter, he will hear. every photo you send her, he will see.

Speaking from experience, you'd be surprised how far this type of person would go to get their sick desires met. Don't ever leave your children alone with either of them, not even for a second, not even if you're in the next room.

Kiddy fiddler is graphic and horrible which reflects the severity of the term

See, I think it sounds cutesy and jokey, and minimises child rape. That’s my objection to it, not that it might offend a paedophile. Who would care about that?

Glad your dh and sil are on the same page. I think it's now up to them to tell their mother that she has a choice, seeing gc or this guy. Tell her why, tell the rest of the family, give him no where to hide. Also tell her that she does not comment on physical changes to gcs bodies beyond "aren't they getting tall?".