'unusually taken' with my 10yr old DD

[Diamondweeza]

This is how my DH's mum described her partner's feelings towards our DD. First (and ONLY!) time he came to stay he kept saying how beautiful she is, and made references to her wearing a bra (she's a child in an A cup/vest top). DD is not comfortable with it, neither are OH & I, and I told MIL that we were all uncomfortable with his attention to DD. She lives about 200 miles from us, and we haven't seen him since Easter, but MIL and this guy are still seeing a lot of eachother. She admits he loves kids and pretty little girls, and says it's in a genuine sweet way, but it creeps me out. He has grown kids with their own families.

OH's mum has come to stay for a few days and yesterday, first breakfast, with OH out of the room, she says to DD, "I see my granddaughter is developing a bust!". I just glared at her, said "hmm" and steered conversation to other things.

DD and I have good communication about body issues, she knows getting boobs is normal and nothing to be ashamed of, but doesn't really want to make a conversation about it, and I don't think it's appropriate chat from gran who sees her probably 3/4 times a year. DD has a positive body image, but was uncomfortable around this guy... we all were.

In most things, I get along fine with MIL, but I've really lost my cool with this and am now just trying to get through the week. I've spoken to OH and explained why I'm fuming, and he gets and is glad that for historic family reasons I'm very sensitive to what I see as even mildly perving on children.

A) AIBU? I also came on yesterday, so may be in hormonal overreaction!
B) if no, do I talk with her? I will be opening a nasty can of worms if I do, but I don't think she gets how I see this as the thin end of creepy. She knows the historic issues (stemming from her side of the family, no longer a threat, but not forgotten by me) and seems to be overlooking them.

Really don't know how to proceed.

I think you can be prepared now. Just say, “it’s not ok to make comments about someone else’s body like that” or, “we don’t make comments like that in this family “ or even just, “I beg your pardon?”.

Sorry, sent too soon. You might also want to really pick her up on some of her language, particularly if DD isn't around. So if she says 'unusually taken with her' then start to unpick it way beyond the point you would normally be comfortable doing:

• what does he mean by that?
• do you think it's appropriate that a man of that age should be looking at my DD in that way?
• Are you comfortable with that? Here's why I am not
• Do you think it's socially acceptable for older men to comment and look at the developing bodies of 10 yo girls? Why?

Really pull out how inappropriate it all is (if you can bear to) in the hope that she confronts what she's going along with.

But honestly, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't and just banned her from the house.

Here's my two pennorth.

MIL knows her partner has these tendencies but she loooooves him

She came up with the 'bust' comment to try and launder him/minimise/normalise his behaviour.

Benjispruce

The OP says this man KEPT making these comments. I get being shocked the first time - but to say nothing after repeated comments?

Trust your instincts. You don't even need instincts, the man is a blatant perv.
MIL is odd too.

I hear you, OP.

My mother had a partner who made repeated references to how girls look. Always going on about their neck, stance, legs, beauty, whatever. Then my mother started doing the same, constantly noting how the kids look.

Sexual or not, the relentless focus on body and appearance irritated me, creeped me out.

I ended up saying very firmly that 'we don't pass comment on other people's appearances'. To everyone.

And later on, noted my discomfort directly to my mother.

Fucking hell, his comments would have been utterly unacceptable if he'd made them about a grown woman.

Even worse about a kid.

When I was growing up, a friend’s mum would comment on her developing figure (in an embarrassing way) and her father would say “X is getting to be a young lady and won’t like hearing about that sort of thing”. Would saying something similar stop your MIL from saying things like this?

I think the way to decide whether something is creepy or off is to imagine that it was said to you. If some dude started going on about my bra, I would think they were very peculiar.

I don't believe there is a "genuine, sweet way" to objectify a 10 yr old child.

Your hormones are right.

Dead right. You can't see him again.

MIL is a perv launderess.

Ps he first asked DD if she was wearing a bra some months ago
So op did you not say anything then.I think thats the perfect time to lose the head.Absolutley disgusting behaviour on his part and mil.

Remember that offender's databases only tell you if a person has been convicted. So him not being on one doesn't mean diddly-squat.

I wouldn't have him anywhere near my DD. I suppose there's an infinitesimal chance that he's just socially awkward and speaks before he thinks. But I doubt it and it's not worth the chance anyway.

If this 'bust' comment is out of character for Gran, then chances are she's hearing these types of comments from him and has now normalized them to herself. This means that she is no longer a 'safe' person. I wouldn't necessarily bar her from seeing DD at this point, but it wouldn't be out of my earshot and she'd never be allowed to take her anywhere. And I'd tell her (Gran) exactly why and that she is not to mention this person to my DD in any way!

Definitely be concerned with any pictures your mil has taken only dd :( I’m sorry but it sounds like mil has been groomed into thinking this hugely inappropriate behaviour is normal.

Op what did he actually say about your dd wearing a bra? You say he kept making reference.

My uncle was always commenting on my sister and my appearance as teenagers. He pretended to be checking that we’d lost weight or whatever but he later went on to force my sister to have sex with him. All the “friendly chat” was done in front of my mother and his wife. He was a rotten bastard.

Ugh! I developed young and had people talking about my body and I hated it!!
I had an uncle who took great delight in hugging that little bit too tight and mentioning my boobs in a "you've grown! Hahaha, hasn't she boys" with a nudge to the other uncles stood with him. Everyone laughed it off because he was a cheeky chap and meant no harm blah blah blah.
He was sent to prison a decade or so later for molesting a younger cousin, dirty bastard.
'Unusually taken' and mentioning bra wearing has sent shivers down my spine.

Oh my god this made me feel sick.

The best lesson you can teach your daughter is that it doesn't matter whether or not he does something, his inappropriate words are enough for you to protect her from him.

It's totally inappropriate and predatory and thank god he isn't even clever enough to reveal his thoughts subversively, he's making them known and given your lovely daughter a chance to be protected by you.

Your DH needs to be on the same team as you with this - both of you should tell your mum how utterly inappropriate the comments are and that not only are they unacceptable, they have consequences and the consequence is that you do not want this man around your daughter.

Ugh the asking about her wearing a bra yet makes my skin crawl OP, poor you having this situation to deal with. I hope you're ok. I wish my family had known more about this stuff and not had the fear of "making a fuss" / making things awkward etc.

Please do stand up and say NO. He is not an appropriate adult to be around your daughter.

mistletoe that is rape, not sex. I'm so sorry your sister went through that awful ordeal.

I think Andysbest comment is spot on: puberty is not a spectator sport. Most comments are also spot on regarding him, but MIL is possibly a predator too and definitely a spectator. Imagine you sitting there, drinking tea or whatever and looking at a child's developing body and then making a comment about her breasts? The fact that she used the innocuous word 'bust' can not hide her behaviour. She is a perv, too.

All that talk of being "usually taken" reminds me of our Catholic priest who would come to dinner and be so very very interested in how I was getting on, my mother was so happy to be blessed with his company she'd insist I sit next to him on the sofa while he stroked my hair and patted me - I'd told her I didn't like it and she said oh it was such a shame he wasn't able to have children of his own, he loved children so much, wasn't it a waste his parish was full of adults (he was the university chaplain) and he just loved making a fuss of me. Yep. Rubbing my back and flicking my starter bra strap was what he really loved. Being encouraged to do it in front of my stupid mother was probably a bonus.

There's no way your MIL can really think anyone talking about, musing over your 10 year old daughter's underwear is normal. Perhaps she's simply daft, or perhaps she's stuck in some sort of cognitive dissonance where she can't reconcile her nice partner with the pervy arsehole who likes discussing children's bodies - either way you need to put her straight.

Trust your instincts.he sounds very creepy.

In her first post, OP says that his first visit was his 'ONLY' one ie I think she has already decided not to see anymore of this man.

Her question was 'do I talk to MIL?' not ' do I let dd see this person again?'

It's unfair to berate OP for 'not saying anything at the time'. People often don't, particularly women, as we're socialised to be nice and polite, and not make a fuss.

It's also deeply shocking to encounter a comment like that, and it often takes a while to sink in.

From what OP says, her dh didn't know how to react at the time either. This is a perfectly normal shock reaction.

This would really creep me out, I wouldn't want my daughter around him

Something almost identical happened to DD. Trust your instincts.

Surely the only option is to keep your DD away from this dirty nonce.