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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'unusually taken' with my 10yr old DD

175 replies

Diamondweeza · 06/08/2019 14:20

This is how my DH's mum described her partner's feelings towards our DD. First (and ONLY!) time he came to stay he kept saying how beautiful she is, and made references to her wearing a bra (she's a child in an A cup/vest top). DD is not comfortable with it, neither are OH & I, and I told MIL that we were all uncomfortable with his attention to DD. She lives about 200 miles from us, and we haven't seen him since Easter, but MIL and this guy are still seeing a lot of eachother. She admits he loves kids and pretty little girls, and says it's in a genuine sweet way, but it creeps me out. He has grown kids with their own families.

OH's mum has come to stay for a few days and yesterday, first breakfast, with OH out of the room, she says to DD, "I see my granddaughter is developing a bust!". I just glared at her, said "hmm" and steered conversation to other things.

DD and I have good communication about body issues, she knows getting boobs is normal and nothing to be ashamed of, but doesn't really want to make a conversation about it, and I don't think it's appropriate chat from gran who sees her probably 3/4 times a year. DD has a positive body image, but was uncomfortable around this guy... we all were.

In most things, I get along fine with MIL, but I've really lost my cool with this and am now just trying to get through the week. I've spoken to OH and explained why I'm fuming, and he gets and is glad that for historic family reasons I'm very sensitive to what I see as even mildly perving on children.

A) AIBU? I also came on yesterday, so may be in hormonal overreaction!
B) if no, do I talk with her? I will be opening a nasty can of worms if I do, but I don't think she gets how I see this as the thin end of creepy. She knows the historic issues (stemming from her side of the family, no longer a threat, but not forgotten by me) and seems to be overlooking them.

Really don't know how to proceed.

OP posts:
thisnamechanger · 06/08/2019 14:44

Keep him away from her OP. Trust me, some people will refuse to see the wood for the trees on this sort of thing (he's harmless etc etc) but you are 100% right.

lmusic87 · 06/08/2019 14:45

So creepy, how often do you see them both?

MollyButton · 06/08/2019 14:47

I would not allow him any contact with your DD again. And would inform MIL of that - and that his behaviour is creepy.

But in addition I would probably make a "Sarah's Law" request to see if there is anything on him. I would also be talking about this in the wider family - both to warn others and to get it into the open, so anyone whose boundaries aren't as good as yours feels validated in finding him creepy.

cakeandchampagne · 06/08/2019 14:49

Protect your daughter:
No contact with that man ever again.

onalongsabbatical · 06/08/2019 14:49

Not sure what's going on with her but he's so way out of line I'd stop seeing both of them and tell her why, OP. If he's recent in her life she's got no idea what his history is. Very very suspicious horrible comments.

Pollypenguin01 · 06/08/2019 14:51

Very strange behaviour and quite honestly I can’t find any good reason the GM would be bringing up about your DD bust Confused it’s a really odd thing to talk about.

It would lead me to think that Granny and the boyfriend had been talking about DD getting a ‘chest’ or similar and she is parroting off to you their discussions, maybe trying to normalise their conversations or maybe she does actually think their conversations are normal and ok. Either way it’s not a healthy environment to have around your DD.

Cocobean30 · 06/08/2019 14:51

Omg he asked her is she was wearing a bra? Totally bizarre and inappropriate! The men in my family would never think to even notice it let alone draw attention! I would be kicking up a massive fuss that is disgusting

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/08/2019 14:53

Seriously odd, keep her away from both of them.

M0RVEN · 06/08/2019 14:56

Normal men do not enquire about the underwear worn by the their girlfriends 10 year old granddaughter.

PapaShango · 06/08/2019 14:56

No one, other than a parent, should be talking to a 10 year old girl about bras. The word ‘bra’ should never even need to come up in conversation. Especially not by a middle-aged man. Very, very inappropriate.

sqirrelfriends · 06/08/2019 14:57

Nope nope nope nope nope.

It's really awkward but if it were me in your shoes I would be spending time with mil without new bf or not at all. Could your DH have a chat? Hopefully she will see sense and not kick up too much of a fuss.

Tellmetruth4 · 06/08/2019 14:58

The Uncle Chester’s hiding in plain site and MIL is an enabler. Keep DD far away.

christinarossetti19 · 06/08/2019 14:59

If talking to her is likely lead nowhere, then don't.

Just shut down and ignore anything even slightly unnerving she says about your dd.

Make it very clear now that this man won't be welcome in your house again and will never see dd again.

Wormentrude · 06/08/2019 15:01

He's a perv, and MIL is enabling him. Keep both of them as far away as possible from your daughter. And YY to making a request under Sarah's Law to see if he has a record.

TealRocks · 06/08/2019 15:02

He would have been asked to leave as soon as he made reference to her bra.

Trust your instincts, OP.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2019 15:02

It’s great that you’re aware of him now and can keep your dd away from both of them and safe.

My grandmothers bf talked of grandma then my mother then me - beauty in the generations. 🤢 Grandma and my mother thought it was nice. One day he got me in a compromised position when I was 16. He knew exactly how to overpower me. On reflection years later, I suspect he was a practiced child molester. I went ballistic at him and he backed down thank goodness.

Just to say your dd will not be safe from this man for a very long time. Your mil sure isn’t going to protect her.

ittakes2 · 06/08/2019 15:04

I would keep away from your m'n'law's partner - he is a perv. My m'n'law keeps making comments at my daughter too - I think its ridiculous. My m'n'law is a very private person - the next time she comments on my daughter's body I am going to respond with a comment that her own boobs are looking close to her knees and see how she feels about someone commenting on her changes.

Hoppinggreen · 06/08/2019 15:04

Mils ex gave me a creepy vibe, was actually known for being a bit of a perv in a “ oh it’s just his way he doesn’t mean anything “
Whole family normalised his behaviour but interestingly he never behaved like that with me as he knew I wouldn’t put up with it.
From the age of about 7 I made sure that Dd was never alone with him and I wouldn’t let her go there without me. At first DH dismissed it as “no big deal” but respected my wishes but eventually he agreed that the behaviour was unacceptable
Mil broke up with him 2 years ago and has a new partner now but despite fact that I have no reason to believe this man is inappropriate with teenage girls Dd will never go to mils house without me still as mil has shown that she will minimise any such behaviour and dismiss it so I dont trust her to protect Dd
Do not let this man hear your DD OP and unfortunately you can’t trust your mil to protect her

Bookworm4 · 06/08/2019 15:05

Don’t let him back in your house.
But YABU for using hormones as an excuse.

lubeybooby · 06/08/2019 15:05

keep him away and tell MIL exactly why and don't spare her feelings. It's gross.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 06/08/2019 15:06

Creepy as fuck, who the hell thinks it ok to ask if their partner's granddaughter is wearing a bra? And your MIL should not be commenting on her GD's bust at all, I remember hating it when people commented on my developing body when I was a young teenager, it is not necessary and in this scenario it feels unhealthy.

I definitely think you need to speak to MIL about her comments, particularly in light of the fact she has such a dubious partner.

If MIL cannot respect your boundaries then keep her at arm's length.

ambereeree · 06/08/2019 15:06

I think I would have punched him in the face if he was asking my 10 year old about underwear. I would expect her grandmother to be equally disgusted.

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 06/08/2019 15:07

I would go so far as to ban photos of DD for your MIL. Sorry, but he sounds awful and your MIL can not be trusted.

PicsInRed · 06/08/2019 15:07

Sounds like MiL is trying to make her partner's interest in pubescent girls appear normal by talking about it too.

This. I would declare them both unsafe and no more contact with DD for either of them. I would also document everything in case your husband becomes difficult and sides with his family. Sadly, this often happens as it ends up just being too emotionally difficult to sustain a confrontation with a dysfunctional family of origin. It can then become a family court issue. Just beware of this.

Derbee · 06/08/2019 15:08

I wouldn’t let your MIL or her partner near my daughter. Partner because he’s obviously a pervert, and MIL because she’s responsible for bringing him into your lives, she’s still involved with him, and she’s making inappropriate comments on your daughters body.

I just imagine MIL getting home and chatting to the pervert. “I saw DGD, she’s starting to develop a bust” etc etc 🤮

Keep them all away from her. Yuck