'unusually taken' with my 10yr old DD

[Diamondweeza]

This is how my DH's mum described her partner's feelings towards our DD. First (and ONLY!) time he came to stay he kept saying how beautiful she is, and made references to her wearing a bra (she's a child in an A cup/vest top). DD is not comfortable with it, neither are OH & I, and I told MIL that we were all uncomfortable with his attention to DD. She lives about 200 miles from us, and we haven't seen him since Easter, but MIL and this guy are still seeing a lot of eachother. She admits he loves kids and pretty little girls, and says it's in a genuine sweet way, but it creeps me out. He has grown kids with their own families.

OH's mum has come to stay for a few days and yesterday, first breakfast, with OH out of the room, she says to DD, "I see my granddaughter is developing a bust!". I just glared at her, said "hmm" and steered conversation to other things.

DD and I have good communication about body issues, she knows getting boobs is normal and nothing to be ashamed of, but doesn't really want to make a conversation about it, and I don't think it's appropriate chat from gran who sees her probably 3/4 times a year. DD has a positive body image, but was uncomfortable around this guy... we all were.

In most things, I get along fine with MIL, but I've really lost my cool with this and am now just trying to get through the week. I've spoken to OH and explained why I'm fuming, and he gets and is glad that for historic family reasons I'm very sensitive to what I see as even mildly perving on children.

A) AIBU? I also came on yesterday, so may be in hormonal overreaction!
B) if no, do I talk with her? I will be opening a nasty can of worms if I do, but I don't think she gets how I see this as the thin end of creepy. She knows the historic issues (stemming from her side of the family, no longer a threat, but not forgotten by me) and seems to be overlooking them.

Really don't know how to proceed.

That is really creepy. He must never come near your daughter again.

Make sure that your dd knows never to go with him no matter what he says ie: “you’re Granny’s I’ll and your parents asked me to pick you up” type of thing. I would steer well clear of him.

Please dont allow MIL to take your daughter out alone. For any reason. He is 200 miles away, as far as you know..

Nope yanbu. Set your boundaries and trust your instincts. I feel for you. Terrible position to be put in, but not your fault, so handle it however you feel necessary and let the pieces fall where they may.

Just to add to my previous comment, I am
Not accusing your MIL of being a pervert. But she is an enabler and an excuser. And enablers play an important role in normalising these sorts of things and making people like you feel they’re over reacting

Ps he first asked DD if she was wearing a bra some months ago,

What ???? Why ?

Your MIL saying about her bust in female company is a bit insensitive but not that bad imo. I would just have said when DD left the room, that she doesn't want any attention brought to it and hope that would be all I needed to say.

Tbh I'd be stopping any sort of contact outside of a cafe. I wouldn't even want that woman in my house. How fucking grim to even comment on a young girl's body like that, let alone what her boyfriend said. Puberty isn't a spectator sport 🤮

Ugh ugh ugh - all shades of wrong!!

Your MIL too - she shouldn't be indulging this sort of shit in any way.

I'm glad he's not there this time, I'd be making it damn clear he wasn't welcome back, EVER, and your DD won't be going to stay at MIL's EVER either.

Yanbu!!!

I’d be checking what photos mil is taking of your dd whilst she is visiting.

You've been given excellent advice.

The creepometer is there for a very good reason, and just from reading what you've written its dinging away.

Keep him a million miles from your daughter, and be very aware that your MIL may be being groomed to accept his sexualisation of your DD.

I think under the circumstances a Sara's law disclosure might be a very good idea.

Trust you gut OP.

Sounds dodgy. Very sorry

He sounds like a pervert, and your mother in law like a simpering idiot if she really doesn’t see how far wrong that is. Keep DD away from them

Neither Sarah's Law nor Claire's Law can help if someone has never previously offended. But we know from #MeToo et al just how many of these sex offenders do slip through the net. No red flag against his name on a register doesn't mean there's no red flag there at all. And this is a huge one.

Never ignore your gut. Even if you're wrong, listening to those instincts and keeping your DD away from this man is not going to put her in harm's way. Ignoring it could do immeasurable damage.

You could tell you MiL you reasons for this, or choose not to. It's up to you. But I'd not allow DD near this man again.

I have to wonder about MiL. How can she lie down with a man who makes inappropriate comments like this about a child of this age, much less her own granddaughter? The thought would make me feel sick, and in her position he'd be out of the door faster than you can say 'creepy fucker'. And she's already overlooked similar behaviour within her own family? Something is 'off' with her as well because at the very least she's an enabler. And enablers are also dangerous.

YAD, D, D, NBU.

I don't think she gets how I see this as the thin end of creepy

Honestly, OP, I don't think this is even the thin end. It's somewhere in the middle of thin and thick ends to me.

I'd even go as far as to say no man has ever "loved pretty little girls' in a sweet way. Plenty of good men love children - but no one good singles out the pretty little girls only.

I don't understand why you haven't nipped these comments in the bud?

When a grown man "kept saying how beautiful she is, and made references to her wearing a bra" why on earth didn't YOU step in immediately and tell him that those comments are extremely inappropriate and are not to be repeated?

Why did you only say "hmmm" when your MIL made the comment? You should have simply said "please don't make personal comments like that MIL, it is not appropriate".

You proceed by seeing this extremely inappropriate behaviour for what it is and speaking up immediately. If that means your MIL and this man no longer see your DD, then so be it.

I agree miss and no good man has ever commented on a pubescent girl wearing a bra!!!

Sometimes Vice you are paralysed by shock and surprise. I'm sure OP will be ready if there is anything said in future.

Sparadrap is right - check that your MIL is not taking and sending photos of your DD.

No, not on. Don't let him near her again. No photos. Nothing.

Big massive wavy RED FLAG 🚩

I hope to god that this isn’t real, because if it is, why would it even be a dilemma of any sort? Why the hell would you let him anywhere near a child you are supposed to protect? I take it your ‘DH’ isn’t your child’s father, because if he was he probably would have knocked the bloke flat.

And your MIL isn’t the thin end of creepy, she’s the gross end of creepy. For fuck’s sake, tell her not to speak to your child like that.

This thread has completely skeeved me out. I feel like I need a shower now.

Two hundred miles away is just about the right distance, OP. Any closer than that is too close. I agree with every single poster who says "creepy" and "trust your instinct". This is not normal behaviour - from either of them.

I think your instincts are spot on, but it's important to separate the two individuals in your mind.

Creepy bloke is actually easy - he never comes to your house again, you make sure DD knows he does not have your permission to pick her up, get in touch with her, etc - all explained to her in an age-appropriate way. And (really unfortunately) it's not too early to talk to her about creepy old men. (FFS that manky fucker, I could punch him for you OP)

MIL (presuming you don't want to actually go NC with her) you need a really good stock phrase to shut her down especially in front of DD. Just going hmm and changing the subject doesn't role model the right behaviour for DD (I totally appreciate you were on the hoof and not blaming you!) So the next time something very firm like 'MIL, please do not make personal remarks about DD's body, it is inappropriate and we will not tolerate it. DD has the right to privacy and I won't have her be made uncomfortable.' Then leave the room, or something similar. Do this every time, even if there are tears, explanations etc don't get into it. Grey rock and shut it down.

DH may want to have a conversation with MIL to explain your concerns though?

Please don’t ever let him in your house again, if you do you are sending a very loud message to your daughter that that kind of behaviour is ok and something that she should just put up with.