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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I BU telling a woman not to speak to my son?

682 replies

Spinoni · 06/08/2019 13:37

I realise I might be. But in the moment I was so annoyed.

In Sainsbury’s with DD 8 months and DS4
Son wants to go down toy isle- we don’t often to to Sainsburys so he was overly excited. As all 4 year olds are while looking for toys!

Go to the isle, he is looking and I noticed the ‘ boy ‘ toys were down the next isle.
By boy toys I mean toys I know he likes toys he has toys he’s into and toys that are quite frankly marketed at boys.
Me - ‘ ooo look DS name the boys toys are over here ‘
Interfering woman down isle to my son - ‘ you know you can play with whatever you want let your mummy know that ‘

FIRSTLY I was annoyed that I’m not ‘ forcing ‘ him to ‘ boys ‘ toys. It’s stuff I know he wants.
SECONDLY why even say anything?

The thing I massively regret is saying anything.
I said pardon?
And she replied ‘ Sorry it was just the way you said boys toys - when he can play with whatever he wants he shouldn’t be told their just for boys ‘

I replied probably not too politely telling her to mind her own business and I’ll parent how I want to and walked away.
And I could then hear her and another customer talking about me saying how rude I was ?
Was I BU?
I feel mortified I just was angry that something I said was interpreted as me forcing my son into something it’s ridiculous

OP posts:
Nonnymum · 06/08/2019 14:14

I wouldn't have said anything but to be honest I wok ld have thought it. Wouldn't it have been better just for him to look for himself and decide what he liked. I don't agree with the whole concept of boy/girl toys. Toys are just toys

Bellatrix14 · 06/08/2019 14:14

She was right, but if she really felt the need to comment on it she should have said it to you, not to your son as addressing a comment like that to a child just seems a bit passive aggressive. I can understand why it annoyed you, but it does sound like you were rude.

She was The interfering and rude one and it's lucky she didn't get told to 'Fuck off you nosey bitch'.

Not as rude as this though. I think if you’d have said that to her in front of your child it might have prompted more comments about your parenting!

formerbabe · 06/08/2019 14:15

It's an odd thing to say to your son

Only on mumsnet...in the real world, people say stuff like this all the time.

Reallybadidea · 06/08/2019 14:15

She should have minded her own business. But you sound pretty silly and frankly sexist with all the boys' toys nonsense. That's not bad parenting in and of itself - being rude to a stranger IS though. She was rude to you therefore you can be rude back is probably not a great lesson for a 4 year old.

LaVieilleHarpie · 06/08/2019 14:16

I think you were too soft on her actually. I don't believe in girls/boys toys at all, but I would have told her to fuck off. None of her business.

(But then, I have no problem telling annoying people to fuck off, so...)

Benes · 06/08/2019 14:16

Well she's right. would have rolled my eyes at you but not said anything to you as it's not my place.
You are promoting gender stereotypes whether you agree/like it

MothratheMighty · 06/08/2019 14:16

I agree that we’ve gone backwards in the boys/girls gender shit, both as a parent of children’s now in their late 2Os and as a primary teacher. Way more gendering by many parents, and retail follows the money.
I wouldn’t have said anything, we work on the issues in school when the programming gets unpicked.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2019 14:16

Kids will play with whatever toys they get the most enjoyment out of

Absolutely. From the selection they are given. In this instance "oh the boys toys are over there" telling rhe kid exactly where his selection was to come from.

God forbid he wanted a doll or a pram or a sparkly unicorn. Nope better get him out of that aisle pronto.

chickenyhead · 06/08/2019 14:17

Hmmm so if I pretend gender stereotypes dont exist then they will go away Hmm

No, I choose to educate my children to be able to identify them for what they are. This is the world they live in. If DS wants to go to school with a "girls" outfit etc i am cool with that totally, but he needs to be prepared that others may not see it that way.

We change the future by educating our children in stereotypes and such, not by being the public PC brigade

Original poster
Spinoni · 06/08/2019 14:18

Oh this is too much. I really don’t think I’m promoting damaging gender stereotypes.

I’ve obviously got it wrong and in future will have to say the toy you like is over here.
Thanks for the views though everyone Flowers

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 06/08/2019 14:18

Only on mumsnet...in the real world, people say stuff like this all the time.
Not really. There's a whole movement called let toys be toys and let clothes be clothes.
Theres loads to encourage girls to engage with STEM because they're often socialised to consider it to not be girly.

It's the norm with my parent friends to have non gendered toys or a range across the stereotypes (without it being all pink and blue). Anyone who talks about girl's or boy's toys would be in the minority.

SavingSpaces2019 · 06/08/2019 14:19

i'd have been passive aggressive back at her - looked her in the eye, then looked at ds and reminded him about we never talk to strangers because you can't trust them
Grin Grin Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/08/2019 14:19

She may have annoyed you. And yes she was rude. However you are now thinking about your words. That is good and maybe you’ve learnt something. Hopefully when your dd is older your ds wont tell her she can’t play with his diggers and cars. So perhaps thank her in your head and move on.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/08/2019 14:20

Only on mumsnet...in the real world, people say stuff like this all the time.

They really don't. I've got 5 kids all in (DSDs and DC) and we don't talk about girls/boys stuff.

BarbariansMum · 06/08/2019 14:20

This is the way every day sexism works. The drip, drip, drip of stereotyping and subtle reinforcement. Maybe she shouldn't have challenged you but I admire her for doing so.

And yes, you were very wrong to use that form of words to your son.

Original poster
Spinoni · 06/08/2019 14:21

@Mummyoflittledragon as I said, my son plays with whatever he wants, so my daughter will do the same. But no I won’t be thanking anyone in my head for belittling me in a supermarket

OP posts:
SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel · 06/08/2019 14:21

I agree with your last post that making comments to strangers about parenting decisions is a bit rude and uncalled for, just not what parents need when they are trying to get round a supermarket trip with a child Grin

But I do think the fact that your boy prefers playing with "boys toys" isnt because he's a boy, its because he's been socailised like that. There was a good BBC experiment done a few years ago that showed how we all subconciously steer girls and boys in differerent directions in terms of toy choices, I'll see if I can find it.

escapade1234 · 06/08/2019 14:22

Just try not to label things “boys” and “girls”. I know you didn’t mean to be sexist but this is the unconscious bias people talk about, the everyday sexism that we barely even notice because it’s been indoctrinated into us since birth.

HOWEVER, she was a dick to say any of that to you.

You had to stand up for yourself and say something and now you feel annoyed with the whole episode. I get that.

Nesssie · 06/08/2019 14:23

But I do think the fact that your boy prefers playing with "boys toys" isn't because he's a boy, its because he's been socialised like that.

Yeah OP, a stranger on the internet knows your childs mind more than you do..

darkcloudsandsunnyskies · 06/08/2019 14:23

Why should anybody believe your interpretation of events.

I have rarely if ever met a bad driver nor anybody in the wrong. It’s human nature.

You are in the wrong.

It’s basic statistics.

MothratheMighty · 06/08/2019 14:24

In the wider world, parents do say this sort of stuff all the time, it just depends on who you know and in what context.
So my friends don’t, but many parents of KS1 children do. They don’t usually need to by KS2 because older children know what’s right and what to mock.

escapade1234 · 06/08/2019 14:24

I’ve obviously got it wrong and in future will have to say the toy you like is over here

Well, yes, that would be better.

LolaSmiles · 06/08/2019 14:25

Yeah OP, a stranger on the internet knows your childs mind more than you do..
Or that socialisation of gender stereotypes is fairly well documented and part of it is the drip drip drip that comes from lots of places, including parents

SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel · 06/08/2019 14:26

Here's the BBC experiment:

Some people think this kind of thing doesn't matter, but just think how much money corporations are making off of us parents by encouraging us into the pink/blue girls/boys way of thinking. Buying new toys, bikes or clothes for a second sibling who is a different sex from the older one.... its such an easy trap to fall into. Even if we have the money, the environmental impact of this is also huge too.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 06/08/2019 14:26

There was a good BBC experiment done a few years ago that showed how we all subconciously steer girls and boys in differerent directions in terms of toy choices, I'll see if I can find it.

Brilliant programme. Random article about it: www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/tv-radio/101449965/the-tv-experiment-that-turned-kids-gender-free

Episode 1:
Episode 2: