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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I BU telling a woman not to speak to my son?

682 replies

Spinoni · 06/08/2019 13:37

I realise I might be. But in the moment I was so annoyed.

In Sainsbury’s with DD 8 months and DS4
Son wants to go down toy isle- we don’t often to to Sainsburys so he was overly excited. As all 4 year olds are while looking for toys!

Go to the isle, he is looking and I noticed the ‘ boy ‘ toys were down the next isle.
By boy toys I mean toys I know he likes toys he has toys he’s into and toys that are quite frankly marketed at boys.
Me - ‘ ooo look DS name the boys toys are over here ‘
Interfering woman down isle to my son - ‘ you know you can play with whatever you want let your mummy know that ‘

FIRSTLY I was annoyed that I’m not ‘ forcing ‘ him to ‘ boys ‘ toys. It’s stuff I know he wants.
SECONDLY why even say anything?

The thing I massively regret is saying anything.
I said pardon?
And she replied ‘ Sorry it was just the way you said boys toys - when he can play with whatever he wants he shouldn’t be told their just for boys ‘

I replied probably not too politely telling her to mind her own business and I’ll parent how I want to and walked away.
And I could then hear her and another customer talking about me saying how rude I was ?
Was I BU?
I feel mortified I just was angry that something I said was interpreted as me forcing my son into something it’s ridiculous

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 06/08/2019 14:04

She was being interfering and nosy. YANBU.

namby · 06/08/2019 14:04

@MmmBlowholes it's about more than blue and pink, the toys we give children is stereotyping them into roles and the foundation of why (with many other complexities) as to why we see less women in STEM careers and less men taking up household tasks, it's about so much more than being "modern" or having too much headspace to worry, it really is such a huge issue in equality.

Applesandpears23 · 06/08/2019 14:04

There’s no such things as boys’ toys. Also that is not what mortified means.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 06/08/2019 14:05

She was right but rude.

Boys' and girls' toys are bs. I have 3 children aged 4 and under, boy and two girls. At the moment, they mostly play with: a pink sparkly scooter, various dinosaurs, a set of alphabet letters, a toy garage and matchbox cars, and a dolly teaset. Indiscriminately.

However, you just don't comment on other people's choices like that. I silently judge parents whose children wear naff 'designer' clothing, drink sugary drinks, use buggies past about age 3, etc etc. SILENTLY. I'm not so up myself that I can't see that a loving parent might just make different choices to me and I'd never dream of expressing disapproval to someone like that.

It's just unnecessary and unkind.

namby · 06/08/2019 14:07

@Spinoni so did you buy him lots of dolls, pink etc when offering him cars etc? Has he ever been able to make a choice before being set in his ways? It's not just you, it's what he sees on TV, what family members encourage, seeing what other kids do etc etc. It's a complicated subject and you are over simplifying.

Furiosa · 06/08/2019 14:07

In my local Tesco the toys are arranged by age but it's quite a small shop and doesn't have a great big range.

The Asda on the other hand is huge and has several aisles of toys. One of them is completely pink with hideous looking bratz dolls , unicorns, fake make up sets etc. Apart from the pink unicorns my DD isn't interested in any of these toys and neither is DS so we avoid it.

Sounds like that's what OP did but was remonstrated for using the word "boy's toys" by a stranger.

OP YANBU. You said nothing offensive to anyone.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2019 14:07

I think people saying my son only likes ‘ boys ‘ toys because of what I’ve ‘ forced ‘ is quite wrong.As previously stated he can play with whatever the hell he wants but I do believe that certain toys are aimed at boys and certain toys are aimed at girls

You see no correlation between your own sexist views and your sons behaviour? None?

Sweetpotatoaddict · 06/08/2019 14:07

She was right however she should have kept her thoughts to herself.
I have no idea why some people feel they can comment on other people’s parenting. I once had a woman tell me I was teaching my son to wash his hands wrongly Hmm

The2Ateam · 06/08/2019 14:08

Perhaps you were rude, but I think she had no business saying that to you in the first place.

Original poster
Spinoni · 06/08/2019 14:08

I think the main thing here is what people see as appropriate. I wouldn’t dream of say going upto a child eating chocolate in a supermarket and saying ‘ you know you should tell your mum to give you fruit’
It isn’t helpful
It isn’t my business
And i don’t know what the child’s chose
I just don’t like how other people feel the need t make someone else feel small.
I feel awful for sniping back, it isn’t me at all. But I’m sat wondering if she realises that wasn’t ok to say to my child

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 06/08/2019 14:09

I think people saying my son only likes ‘ boys ‘ toys because of what I’ve ‘ forced ‘ is quite wrong.
Socialisation exists like it or not.
A parent who believes there are inherent difference in toys for boys or girls is more likely to promote narrow gender stereotypes than one who is a bit more self aware.
As previously stated he can play with whatever the hell he wants but I do believe that certain toys are aimed at boys and certain toys are aimed at girls and I don’t think that makes me this bad parent I’m being portrayed at for saying it.
You didn't start with how things are marketed.
You said you believe there are such things as toys for boys and toys for girls because your son plays with different toys to girls.

If your response to being challenged is 'but the adverts say there's boy and girl toys so why are you being mean to me' then you need a little more criticality.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 06/08/2019 14:10

Boys toys? Really?!

Was I BU telling a woman not to speak to my son?
Bluntness100 · 06/08/2019 14:10

Op, in your own words. He was looking at one aisle of toys and you immediately said oh there is the boys toys over there and directed him over,

To a four year old this means he's a boy and these are the toys he's to play with. It's that simple in his head. You immediately intervened and ensured he went to thr aisle you felt appropriate for his gender, and gave him the message clearly, he's a boy, the toys he plays with are not here, they are there.

HennyPennyHorror · 06/08/2019 14:11

things are marketed towards a certain gender in every supermarket/ toy shop

No they're not. More and more stores are moving away from this. Didn't you notice?

It's a good thing too. Gendered toys tend to be sexist as hell.

"girls" toys centered around "being fun" or "pretty" and boys around "Being fast" or "super" or scientific.

Then some manufacturers miss the point and make "girls" science kits in fucking pink.

I'm honestly not sure if you're making all this up Op. Have you not heard of the Let Toys be Toys for Girls and Boys campaign?

DerelictWreck · 06/08/2019 14:11

I think I do believe in boys and girls toys though.
Generally my son likes completely different things to his female friends

But surely you understand that this is because he has been taught to like 'boys toys'? By the tv he watches, the adverts full of blue, the animals on 'boys clothes', the things that you and others buy him? He didn't come out your body with preordained love for trucks and mud.

YouJustDoYou · 06/08/2019 14:11

Another poster on another thread had a great point that the word "nevertheless" is nice and diffusing whilst not engaging with them. I'm using that next time :) "You shouldn't tell him boys toys!", "Nevetheless..." etc.

Lipz · 06/08/2019 14:12

Sometimes in the heat of the moment we say things we regret later and often think of better answers later personally I hate people passing comment on something I am doing or saying, I use to suck it up and smile and seeth later but not anymore, If I feel people are crossing the line with me I say something. You were having a conversation with your son, you had not invited her to join in, so she should have kept her opinions to herself.

For me I am sick shit of all this boys vs girls things, I have always been the type of parent who let their child pick their toys, one of my ds's played with hoover, mop, trolley set for YEARS it was bright pink (only colour it came in) and it never bothered me. If they wanted dolls or cars that was their choice and I never questioned it ever. We got through the years fairly easily with no debates on who should be playing with what, wearing what and so on, other people minded their own business but now...... it's just mad crazy out there, I had brought 2 of my kids out clothes shopping, I said to ds lets go to the boys clothes first then the girls, I was pulled up on it by a complete stranger telling me to let him look around the whole shop and pick out what he wants, the sales assistant came over as she could hear the commotion and your woman proceeds to have a go at the sales assistant telling her that the clothes should not be seperated by 'assumed gender' and that they should be mixed to encourage our children to be their real self.

I swear if I hear the word 'gender' one more time I am going to scream... for me if I want to use the term boy and girl that's my own business, so now when people make any comment to me I will let them know it's none of their business.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 06/08/2019 14:12

he can play with whatever the hell he wants but I do believe that certain toys are aimed at boys and certain toys are aimed at girls

Well there you have it then. He is a small child learning about the entire world and what he should do or not do in it from you, and he is being taught there are boys toys and girls toys, also from you.

You may not like that fact, but it's still true.

namby · 06/08/2019 14:12

"I feel awful for sniping back, it isn’t me at all. But I’m sat wondering if she realises that wasn’t ok to say to my child"

It was interfering and generally unnecessary but what she did wasn't wrong, what she said wasn't inherently wrong. So no I'm sure she's not thinking about it at all.

Original poster
Spinoni · 06/08/2019 14:12

@Bluntness100 no sorry if that how it’s come across, obviously if he was stood looking at toys I wouldn’t direct him away saying this is boys stuff come here. He was looking for something imparticular - which by my own admission I did believe was in the ‘ boys ‘ bit and directed him to it

OP posts:
Chakano · 06/08/2019 14:13

Of course you were rude.
Why call them boys toys, are you too grand to be corrected?

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2019 14:13

Op, everyone is agreeing she shouldn't have said anything. But nearly everyone is also saying what she commented on most of us would have thought.

I suspect it's one of those threads,

Op am I being unreasonable.
Mumsnet yes
Op no I'm not,

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 06/08/2019 14:13

But I’m sat wondering if she realises that wasn’t ok to say to my child

What do you think is going to be more damaging to your son - this woman's comment or you directing him to fall in line with damaging gender stereotypes from the age of 4?

LolaSmiles · 06/08/2019 14:13

He didn't come out your body with preordained love for trucks and mud.
This.
I don't understand how anyone doesn't realise how gender roles are created.
onlyoneoftheregimentinstep
Grin spot on.

OP very few people are saying she was right to say something to you in the shop, just we agree with her sentiments.

Redact · 06/08/2019 14:14

She was trying to be all modern and cool and condescending and it was really none of her business at all. YANBU

Agree with this, it was a snapshot in time she overheard and had no right to comment on your parenting. Kids will play with whatever toys they get the most enjoyment out of