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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I BU telling a woman not to speak to my son?

682 replies

Spinoni · 06/08/2019 13:37

I realise I might be. But in the moment I was so annoyed.

In Sainsbury’s with DD 8 months and DS4
Son wants to go down toy isle- we don’t often to to Sainsburys so he was overly excited. As all 4 year olds are while looking for toys!

Go to the isle, he is looking and I noticed the ‘ boy ‘ toys were down the next isle.
By boy toys I mean toys I know he likes toys he has toys he’s into and toys that are quite frankly marketed at boys.
Me - ‘ ooo look DS name the boys toys are over here ‘
Interfering woman down isle to my son - ‘ you know you can play with whatever you want let your mummy know that ‘

FIRSTLY I was annoyed that I’m not ‘ forcing ‘ him to ‘ boys ‘ toys. It’s stuff I know he wants.
SECONDLY why even say anything?

The thing I massively regret is saying anything.
I said pardon?
And she replied ‘ Sorry it was just the way you said boys toys - when he can play with whatever he wants he shouldn’t be told their just for boys ‘

I replied probably not too politely telling her to mind her own business and I’ll parent how I want to and walked away.
And I could then hear her and another customer talking about me saying how rude I was ?
Was I BU?
I feel mortified I just was angry that something I said was interpreted as me forcing my son into something it’s ridiculous

OP posts:
Theflying19 · 09/08/2019 11:52

YABU for giving your son the message that there are toys suitable for him because he's a boy. Children pick up on our messages loud and clear. Your 'short hand' highlights your sexist prejudices. Every time you close down an opportunity for him to consider alternatives you reinforce the stereotypical message.
I would have thought the same as that woman - alarmed for your son, one of the men in our future society. Not sure I'd've had the guts to say anything.

Madamum18 · 09/08/2019 14:57

I would have thought the same thing as her but would not consider it my business to tell you so ikn a supermarket when we have never met and not my business
The point is that by saying "boys toys" you are reinforcing the idea to your son that particular toys are for boys ....and therefore particular toys are for girls. So even though you don't mind what he plays with he is getting messages that sort of contradict that.

Ljcoolgran · 09/08/2019 23:31

YABU but much as I agree with the woman in Sainsbury’s she shouldn’t have spoken to you. She should have just minded her own business.

Madamum18 · 10/08/2019 13:08

I am truly stunned by the complete lack of understanding of stereotyping expressed by so many on this thread! It is quite frankly, gob smacking!!

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 10/08/2019 13:21

Ffs YANBU she was being an interfering condescending cow. There's a time and place for a discussion on gender neutral toys. A busy supermarket with a young child is neither and all because she didn't agree with your exact turn of phrase. Not like you pulled him away from the "girls' toys" in horror or said anything to invite comment really. None of her business and the passive aggressive way she said "tell your mummy such and such" instead of addressing you directly if she felt so compelled to chime in...that would have given me rage too. What should OP have done, announced loudly so as not to offend anyone whatsoever- "come along DS you can select a toy but remember, don't feel you have to conform to gender stereotyping, the toys for boys AND girls are over here."

Madamum18 · 10/08/2019 15:12

I agree she should not have said anything in that context, its inappropriate. BUT I'm still stunned at some views expressed on here about stereotyping!

Beautiful3 · 10/08/2019 15:16

I agree with her. Both my daughter's hate the girls toys isle, preferring the boys one. They wear boys pjamas and t shirts.

AsTheWorldTurns · 10/08/2019 15:25

I would have been really tempted to say the same, but would have probably bit my tongue.

Madamum18 · 10/08/2019 17:40

Beautiful3 I agree too ...but I don't thin k she should have said something in that context. And yes ...lots of girls prefer so called "boys toys" ...so why on earth are the toys given a gender...ridiculous isn't it!!

Ulverstonian · 10/08/2019 17:54

Nope. She started it. You were just shopping with your kids and she interfered. If she hadn’t said anything to you then you probably wouldn’t even have noticed her, never mind spoken to her.

There have been a couple of posts recently about people having complete strangers walk up to them and criticise what they are doing. It isn’t something I would do but based on some of the responses to the threads, a good proportion of mumsnetters are walking round their towns starting random arguments with strangers, then getting upset if random stranger says anything back Hmm.

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 12/08/2019 10:50

Exactly ulverstonian. Some presumbably charge around noting minor errors in other people's parenting and take critique of the language used at all times, must be a sea of moral vigilantes in our midst. Ready to spring into attack over the most minor shit which really isn't a big deal!

And yes all those talking about stereotyping toys I DO actually agree that yes this shouldn't happen and kids should play with whatever they want. But if a gobby preaching stranger chose to pull me up over something via my child in an already stressful environment then she'd get told where to go.

TheSpamCounter · 13/08/2019 03:53

I grew up in a house where the boys played with boys toys and the girls played with girls toys.
Any social conditioning that came from within the house and even outwith came from the other kids. Not the parents.
Any attempted intervention in this thought process would have been duly ignored.
Anyone that thinks they can alter this stereotyping anytime soon is wasting their time and their breath

EEmother · 13/08/2019 06:58

I don't feel there is anything wrong with bringing up boys as boys and girls as girls. The society will place different expectations on them, and I do not intend to use my children to prove the point. My daughter is praised for being "pretty", pretty women have a massive advantage later in life and it is silly to ignore.

Benes · 13/08/2019 07:07

thespam thanks for essentially saying my entire career is a waste of time.

EE you don't see anything wrong with adhering to stereotypes which will ultimately put your daughter at a disadvantage? You think it's okay to place a woman's worth solely on how she looks?? Absolutely disgraceful.

GreenTulips · 13/08/2019 07:08

Anyone that thinks they can alter this stereotyping anytime soon is wasting their time and their breath

Things are changing

I can see it in my own children, they have opportunities we didn’t, I don’t make just the girls do chores, I expect the boys to help. They all play video games and board games. They all ride bikes and had skate boards.They all had a dolly and a pram when little. They were no boy/girl toys in my house.
We have footballer girls at school, unheard of 30 years ago, girls have their own cricket team. Boys join in the netball. Girls play rugby and the boys play rounders. Sport is for all now as it should be.

My daughters are pretty but I don’t want them to rely on that for their future, they have brains! They can be both.

AsTheWorldTurns · 13/08/2019 07:29

Anyone that thinks they can alter this stereotyping anytime soon is wasting their time and their breath

To an extent, yes. Left to their own devices, a lot of kids will find their way to their own gender-typical toys.

Useful to bear in mind, though, that the behemoth under-12 pink/blue market barely existed 50 years ago and it has been cynically developed to drive children further into their designated slots so that they get their parents to buy more crap, not countenance the possibility of using a blue pram for a baby girl, or a dinosaur babygro for a baby girl, or pink breastfeeding pillow for a baby boy, and so on, and so on.

It's not only bad for kids, it's destructive force for the planet.

I hate this shite.

stucknoue · 13/08/2019 07:32

Whilst I personally would not have said anything I would have been wanting to speak to you about your sexist remark. Your son was looking at the toys, you basically told him those toys weren't for him. My girls had a train set, a garage and cars plus Lego etc all from the "boys aisle"

stucknoue · 13/08/2019 07:35

@GreenTulips so true. My dd (though of course I'm bias) is stunning, and she plays rugby for her school and region! Parents unwittingly stereotype type kids by only buying the "right" gender toys

GreenTulips · 13/08/2019 07:50

stucknoue I’m glad she has the chance to play a sport she loves rather than forced into a Tutu!

Did her first rugby ball from the boys section?

EEmother · 13/08/2019 07:51

@Benes
I don't know why you chose to twist my words. I never said I am placing value solely on the looks. Pretty girls (or rather, well groomed girls, which is a learned skillset rather than genetic lottery) have it easier in life, it is a distinct advantage rather than a disadvantage. As well as assertive men have is easier than shy wallflowers, and I praise my son for being independent and confident.
I would like to know how many of posters who are outraged at gendered toys or gender stereotypes gave their child a gender-neutral name, or petition for mumsnet to be renamed into parentsnet. Otherwise it is just virtue signalling.

GreenTulips · 13/08/2019 07:59

Actually a lot of woman are so groomed it takes up their entire week. Look at those who have boob jobs face lifts and look rather sad ......

A pretty face won’t last a life time

AsTheWorldTurns · 13/08/2019 08:02

I would like to know how many of posters who are outraged at gendered toys or gender stereotypes gave their child a gender-neutral name, or petition for mumsnet to be renamed into parentsnet. Otherwise it is just virtue signalling.

So all views must be radical rather than moderate, or they're invalid?

Benes · 13/08/2019 08:06

EE don't you think that needs challenging? Are you raising your daughter to believe looks will give her an advantage? If so, I stand by my comments. It's disgraceful.

It's wrong that women are judged by how they look. It's wrong that men are called assertive but women with the same personality traits are considered bossy......I could go on. Ultimately these are damaging views to hold and they need challenging.

Just look at how female politicians are described in the media compared to their male counterparts If you want some perfect examples of how men and women are treated differently.

EEmother · 13/08/2019 08:07

@GreenTulips
And this is exactly what I said, isn't it? I am conditioning my three year old to spend all her free time pursuing plastic surgery.

demureandgraceful · 13/08/2019 08:10

@Benes I have heard assertive men being called bully, Neanderthal, tyrant. They might have different words but undesirable behaviours are called out in both genders

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