Was I BU telling a woman not to speak to my son?

[Spinoni]

I realise I might be. But in the moment I was so annoyed.

In Sainsbury’s with DD 8 months and DS4
Son wants to go down toy isle- we don’t often to to Sainsburys so he was overly excited. As all 4 year olds are while looking for toys!

Go to the isle, he is looking and I noticed the ‘ boy ‘ toys were down the next isle.
By boy toys I mean toys I know he likes toys he has toys he’s into and toys that are quite frankly marketed at boys.
Me - ‘ ooo look DS name the boys toys are over here ‘
Interfering woman down isle to my son - ‘ you know you can play with whatever you want let your mummy know that ‘

FIRSTLY I was annoyed that I’m not ‘ forcing ‘ him to ‘ boys ‘ toys. It’s stuff I know he wants.
SECONDLY why even say anything?

The thing I massively regret is saying anything.
I said pardon?
And she replied ‘ Sorry it was just the way you said boys toys - when he can play with whatever he wants he shouldn’t be told their just for boys ‘

I replied probably not too politely telling her to mind her own business and I’ll parent how I want to and walked away.
And I could then hear her and another customer talking about me saying how rude I was ?
Was I BU?
I feel mortified I just was angry that something I said was interpreted as me forcing my son into something it’s ridiculous

Labelling anything boys and girls is BU.
Toys are toys and you are enforcing a notion that there are boys toys and girls toys whether you see that or not

I'd have thought it but wouldn't have approached you, let alone made a passive aggressive dig at your son, so in that respect she was bang out of line.

Gender stereotypes are unhelpful and would be less of an issue if they weren't reinforced by shops, the media and parents.

I find it hard to get my head around that people believe there are toys for boys and toys for girls.
What's interesting is that those who believe there's an innate difference tend to have children who confirm that belief because they've been brought up in a household of boy and girl toys.
It's like the girls who get dressed in pink and get bought loads of princess things and are praised for being pretty turning into 7 year olds who 'just happen' to like stereotypically pink girly things and haven't expressed a preference or interest in other things. 🤷

This is another of those threads, where if the other woman came on and said 'ooh I saw a woman reinforcing gender stereotypes and making the child choose boys toys' - the whole board would agree she was right to stick her beak in and comment

But things are marketed towards a certain gender in every supermarket/ toy shop

So it's rhe shops fault? Right. You can't think past what you see as the marketing, maybe we shouldn't have bought our daughter a scaletrix then? Because rhe marketing dictates how you raise your kid?

YABU. It drives me mad when I hear people say stupid things like you’ve said. I wouldn’t say anything though, just think you were ignorant and carry on with my day

My mouth would have inadvertently cat's bummed at "boys toys" but I would have minded my own beeswax because it did not involve my monkeys.
I think in that sense YANBU as she should have kept her views to herself.

OP I also believe in ģirls and boys toys because generally they prefer different toys and i dont see why people have to be so careful or every term they use now. Everyone has become so precious nobody can speak without it being incorrrct these days.

I was brought up with football and tractors etc and my 2 year old son has a pink pram (much to my dad's horror!) before anyone shouts at me!

But the point is she should have minded her own business and should certainly not correct you to your son, That's not right.

I think I do believe in boys and girls toys though.
Generally my son likes completely different things to his female friends

Of course he does, thats because all his life you have conciously or subconciously pointed him in the direction of these types of toys, (as has advertising and other people of course too). Wouldn't it be better to start encouraging him to see toys as just toys, not 'boys/girls toys'?

The woman in the supermarket was right, even if its unusual that she called you out on it. Maybe reflect on what she said even if you disagree with the way she said it.

What a joke that anyone here would have actually even registered your comment let alone rolled their eyes so hard they could see their brain...

You can't think past what you see as the marketing, maybe we shouldn't have bought our daughter a scaletrix then? Because rhe marketing dictates how you raise your kid?
😀

Yes, I personally believe that there's a difference between boy toys and girl toys, big clothes and girl clothes but it's not my fault because the shops told me that's what boys and girls like.

Have you seen the side by side pages from the Argos catalogue from 80s to now? One side is full of educational and fun toys for both sexes. One has everything along gender lines, presumably to push people into buying more so they can't reuse between children, but also to make sure we have girls and boys who know their place.

@Spinoni nothing wrong with saying boys toys,I do the same and do does everyone else I know

YABU to tell your son there are such things as boys’s toys. Does he actually want to play with the things you’ve deemed “boys’” or have you, however inadvertently” given him the impression that he shouldn’t play with “girl” things?

It maybe wasn’t polite for the other woman to speak out but I’m glad she did. Opinions like yours, OP, don’t belong in a modern society and it’s a shame your son had to hear reason from someone other than you.

I agree with her but I wouldn't have said it

I don't really give a shit about "gendered marketing." I can't give headspace to something so pathetic. If supermarkets want to group "pink girly toys" and "blue boy toys" together then crack on, and if my little boy wants a doll then off to the girl section we go.

So not do!

"I think I do believe in boys and girls toys though.
Generally my son likes completely different things to his female friends. It doesn’t mean they don’t each play with each others toys but generally I do see a difference between boys and girls toys."

You are completely ignorant if you genuinely believe this is true, your son likes "boy" toys and his girl friends like "girl" toys because they have had them forced upon them from a young age, subtlety and aggressively. I would say YANBU from your first post but after this reply you seem so dense on the topic I'm glad she pulled you up on it and I hope it causes you to reflect and look into it a bit more.

Don’t use the phrase “boys toys”. It’s really unhelpful.

The woman was absolutely right (but I would have just said her comments in my head rather than out loud).

I am really shocked that everyone is so mortified I said boys toys.

I don't think anyone is mortified

Both pretty rude. Excellent example to kids

I think it's quite telling you quote what she said word for word but rather gloss over your own part of the exchange. I feel that probably in your indignation and embarassment you were probably completely U and know it but are trying to justify yourself.

And yeah, there are no 'boys toys'. Couldn't you just say "Look DS, there's the Paw Patrol stuff' or whatever? I probably wouldn't have said anything but I definitely would have been a bit . The reason you think boys and girls and girls 'naturally' gravitate to particular toys is because people like you think that and behave that way towards them from day dot - shoving dollies in little girls' faces, praising boys for playing with cars etc. Did you see that bbc doc about how differently adults play with babies depending on what gender they assume them to be? Nothing happens in a vacuum.

YA BOTH BU

OP I also believe in ģirls and boys toys because generally they prefer different toys and i dont see why people have to be so careful or every term they use now

No they don't, not when left to make their own choices. They prefer it when parents teach Thrm that's what they should like.

Left to their own devices little girls are just as likely to pick cars, trains, scaletrix, action man or whatever and boys are just as likely to pick a oram or some other doll that catches their interest. Because they have no preconception. No understanding of the meaning.

It's a ridiculous suggestion that kids automatically prefer pink crap versus blue crap.

Generally my son likes completely different things to his female friends. It doesn’t mean they don’t each play with each others toys but generally I do see a difference between boys and girls toys.

That's such total BS. Children will play with anything at all as long as adults don't limit them with their own biases. And even if 90% of boys like certain toys and 90% of girls like other kinds, you are making the 10% feel wrong for their preferences, maybe making them feel like crap because of your bias. Setting up a day when your child ridicules a boy with a Barbie because you have thought him that he doesn't have a preference for action toys but a biological correctness.

What's so fucking hard about saying, "the action toys are over there," or "the cars are this way" ?

I think people saying my son only likes ‘ boys ‘ toys because of what I’ve ‘ forced ‘ is quite wrong.
As previously stated he can play with whatever the hell he wants but I do believe that certain toys are aimed at boys and certain toys are aimed at girls and I don’t think that makes me this bad parent I’m being portrayed at for saying it.