AIBU to not struggle financially

[billsnewhat]

Good morning fellow mumsnetters. Last yr we were left some money by an elderly relative it isnt a life changing amount but we both agreed this money would take the pressure off slightly. 18 months on and my DJ has decided that this money is not to be touched we paid off the mortgage and the rest is to be saved for retirement as my husband wants to retire at 50 which is 4 yrs time. He has now working overtime at work to make extra money to live and is absolutely exhausted and I have a £20 budget for the summer holidays. He says the kids eat his money and I spoil them by spending money on taking them out for a daily walk and a trip to the park should suffice no swimming or cinema as we can't afford it - the thing is we can afford it and it annoys me that we are struggling when we don't need to. No holiday either as we can't afford it - AiBU he has always been money savvy hence why we have a nice house in a nice area as he bought his first house at 19 by saving and managing his money from 14! His sister tells me he spent no money for 5 years as it was his dream to own his own house before he was 20. Every spare moment at moment is spent moving money from account to account to get the right rate. AIBU to think we should the enjoy money a bit more?

Its interesting that he wants to use the money for retirement instead of the kids university fees.

Goodness, most parents would love it if their kids wanted to be out and about and not on games consoles/ internet/Netflix all day... yet he actually wants them to be LESS active. How bizarre.

Some good suggestions already made. Possibility of him going part-time, and you working a bit more to balance it out sounds very reasonable. He can enjoy house and garden more, which might ease his fear of not being around to enjoy it. Less work stress/slower pace of life might actually bet better mentally and physically for him, so he's less likely to obsess about dying too young AND less likely to actually die before he retires!

It does sound a bit like this fear of suffering the same fate as his dad has got out of hand.

£20 a week is not much to spend on two children in the holidays. Granted, they don't need to go to the cinema every week and there are lots of free activities around, but he has to realise that times have changed and things are different to when he was a child. I wish more children WERE just happily playing in their gardens or the street and parks but the way we live now has changed all that.

I don't think a shopping trip with lunch with DD is at all unreasonable. It's mum/daughter time and clearly not something you do often. As long as the shopping itself wasn't a huge splurge, I can't see the problem.
I think your DH has unintentionally allowed this fear of dying early to take over his life a bit, and can't see how it's impacting on you on the children. Doesn't sound like he's an intentionally mean or controlling man, rather he's developed a bit of a phobia that's influencing his behaviour. He needs to address this with you and together you can hopefully make some compromises that will make the situation better for the whole family.

It sounds like his father's early death is behind this behaviour. Unfortunately, the way he's carrying on means he's likely to go the same way. He works like a dog now and then suddenly stops on his 50th birthday, looks around finds nothing to do, kids who are about to leave home and don't know him, and a wife alienated by his tightness. It'll be a huge crash. It's no life for any of you. Counselling would be worth a go for him to address issues around his dad's death and need for security.

As PP have said, I'm having to retire mid 40s due to ill health (I'll not see 60, never mind retirement age) and tbh it's really not all it's cracked up to be. Balance is key for you all.

sounds a painful existence OP- its good to be sensible with money but equally you have to live and enjoy yourselves, yours kids deserve fun in the holidays and sadly (especially when kids get to a certain age) fun costs money.

Also if hes so convinced he'll die early surely he should enjoy his life now. As for enjoying his house and garden isnt that what weekends are for?

I’m also thinking, he may well get a part time job after retirement, something which in his view is zero stress to up his income. He has already provided for his family in case something terrible happens (house paid for and a pension). He might be planning on downsizing when the kids are old enough to release funds for their education if that becomes a concern. Maybe he has a longer term plan, equally sound from a financial perspective?

I know some people that have access to one of their employment pensions at 50 & their mortgages paid. They are all employed, because they enjoy the social aspect, money, routine, holidays. 50 is very young to retire, he could live another 50 years.
Secondly, life is about balance
No point in saving every penny, if you get to X age, then have nobody to share your retirement with !
Suggest save some, spend some !
Life is for living, not for being miserable
If he retires, what is his plan ? To sit counting his money alone ?

Was waiting for the supporting husband so he can work rubbish.
I think 20 hours a week when kids are 13 and 11 is pretty cushy. Maybe your husband is fed up of being the main wage earner.

I find it hard to understand women who only work 20 hours a week because it is their God given right to have a husband paying all the bills.
If you made an effort to top up your salary by doing an extra day a week, I would have more sympathy.
There will never be true equality until women take equal financial responsibility once their children are at secondary school.

yours kids deserve fun in the holidays and sadly (especially when kids get to a certain age) fun costs money.

But both parents are responsible to provide. It really isn't a case that the man should provide, the woman works part time, and she gets to spend as she pleases. His desires don't count.

The op should move to working full time. Them they can all have what they want, right now she wants it all her own way.

@TeddTess
"so you don't only have £20 for the whole summer."
OP corrected her post early on to say she meant £20 per week during the summer holidays.

@RosaWaiting
Sounds like you have some wonderful memories. They made me emotional thinking of my dad too.

OP, I think your DH's attitude to money will destroy your marriage. He would be better off spending time with the DC before they are no longer interested in hanging around with the parents.

I think the idea of him cutting down to 4 days and you perhaps stepping up your hours is a good one.

If he doesn't change something he'll make all your lives so miserable that he'll find he'll have no-one to live with at 50 when he retires.

I think 20 hours a week when kids are 13 and 11 is pretty cushy. Maybe your husband is fed up of being the main wage earner.

He's also working over time, to try to reach his goal of early retirement, when she works part time and whinges she wants to spend and enjoy what is effectively his money on them all having fun.

I'd have empathy if she was stepping up here. But in this scenario, unless she's about to drip feed, then I've none. As far as I'm concerned she should work full time and help top up the fun spends.

Bluntness100 I think in most cases, when a woman is part time working they take on the bulk of the household chores and admin. Also working part time is probably why the OP is able to be home in the holidays, and the husband isnt having to use his annual leave as childcare.
The idea that the man at work is hard done by is usually crap when it is the part time working woman who is juggling everything. Plus OP has said all their money is pooled and she is working.

right now she wants it all her own way

Eh?

He's the one who wants to hoard it all so HE can retire at fifty-which benefits nobody except himself. All OP is asking is whether it's reasonable to spend a bit more of the inheritance on a little more fun now, she's hardly suggesting they blow it all.

DH is the only one "having it all his own way" at the moment.

You some very selfish OP. You have a cushy life working only 20h term time. You probably have no nb idea what it's like working long hours and how it destroys you.

I have worked ft all my life and even though I enjoy my job, I will be retiring the earlier I can afford it and for that I'm making sacrifices now.

As it's been said, if you want more disposable income right now, why don't you go and earn it?

Only, there is no reason for her to take on the bulk of the housework. This isn't the fifties, her husband, her kids are old enough to pull their weight. Unless there is additional needs like most woman if she wants fun holiday money she should earn it.

And if this was a woman posting she was working over time, to provide a roof over her families head, to take early retirement due to health anxiety and her kids were this age, and her husband worked part time and whinged he wanted to spend spend spend thede Would be an overwhelming roar of cock lodger.

I'm honestly sick of the bullshit line that oh maybe she doesn't work because she has to do all the housework. If that's the case then she needs to get it sorted, as said it's not the bloody fifties.

OnlyFoolsnMothers I agree!

But women on here refuse to do wife work (and she hasn't said that she does any). Much better for the OP to step up and take more financial responsibility. In two years time neither teenager will want/need a bored Mum hanging about.

So in order for your Dh to retire at 50, you and your children have to be miserable, go nowhere, not allowed to spend anything?

Is your husband always so bloody selfish?

These are your Children's summer holidays, you need to step up and go on holiday, take them out etc etc.

You will never get this time back with your kids, you cannot take money with you when you go,and too me your DH will still be a tight fucker when he has retired, only he will be at home doing his thing whilst you are all full of resentment and miserable. And i talk from experience with my father, who at 80 is still making my mother's life a misery.

Clearly OP and her husband have a set up that they likely agreed together- to judge the woman for it is a huge assumption.

Women tend to take a career break when they have children enabling their husbands to advance their own careers yet still have a young family.
Most men would rather work than take on the additional childcare, a full day in the office for me is nothing compared to a full day with my child (now that is exhausting)!

So in order for your Dh to retire at 50, you and your children have to be miserable, go nowhere, not allowed to spend anything?Is your husband always so bloody selfish?

Or maybe she's selfish in not contributing more but wanting to spend up?

And the kids are eleven and fifteen, how long is this career break? Till the kids retire?

How in gods name anyone can think thr man is selfish when he's working over time and full time and she's part time, with kids this age is beyond me.

Most grabby, hands out, I'm the little woman give me money attitude I've ever seen. 🤮

Where did OP say she wanted to "spend, spend, spend"??! Where has OP said she's not willing or able to work more than 20 hours, we don't know that- yet suddenly everyone is having a go at her for not "stepping up" and having "no sympathy for her".

Pretty sure she hasn't asked for or expected any sympathy, just a bit of friendly advice. Not a dressing down like a naughty child, about how she isn't stepping up or is hampering equality because she isn't working full time

What a terrible ambition - retirement at 50! I'm a lot older than 50 and can't think of a single person I know whose retired or even thinking of retiring yet. You might as well check into a Saga retirement complex and learn to play bridge. How unutterably dull.

Agree with you 100% Bluntness, the oldest child is 15. How much care is involved in looking after her each day? The OP says she goes to the cinema on her own with friends. Does having an independent teenager mean you cannot step up and do an extra day?
Don't whinge OP, and expect someone else to grant your demands unless you compromise a bit.

Retiring in 4 years time when you still have young kids at home? That sounds optimistic. You must have enormous savings.

If he’s this tight with money while he’s working imagine what he’ll be like when he stops having a regular income. You have potentially 40 years of being told off for spending over your allowance. Sounds like a nightmare.

Also, why is he the one deciding how much you can spend? Surely the money is as much yours as it is his?

Whats grabby about spending family money on keeping the children entertained in the holidays.....?
Jesus if the OP was saying she wanted the take the cash for a personal spa day I would get the point but they are his children too.