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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not struggle financially

317 replies

billsnewhat · 06/08/2019 08:04

Good morning fellow mumsnetters. Last yr we were left some money by an elderly relative it isnt a life changing amount but we both agreed this money would take the pressure off slightly. 18 months on and my DJ has decided that this money is not to be touched we paid off the mortgage and the rest is to be saved for retirement as my husband wants to retire at 50 which is 4 yrs time. He has now working overtime at work to make extra money to live and is absolutely exhausted and I have a £20 budget for the summer holidays. He says the kids eat his money and I spoil them by spending money on taking them out for a daily walk and a trip to the park should suffice no swimming or cinema as we can't afford it - the thing is we can afford it and it annoys me that we are struggling when we don't need to. No holiday either as we can't afford it - AiBU he has always been money savvy hence why we have a nice house in a nice area as he bought his first house at 19 by saving and managing his money from 14! His sister tells me he spent no money for 5 years as it was his dream to own his own house before he was 20. Every spare moment at moment is spent moving money from account to account to get the right rate. AIBU to think we should the enjoy money a bit more?

OP posts:

Gravitsap · 07/08/2019 21:27

Oh, I really don't know how she feels.. She is really old now.. Somehow I think she does not regret, as she does not see what I see. but I think it is better to live 50 years of full life, with events, treats, travelling, pleasures and fun, then a 100 years of working and saving, working and saving With no benefit what so ever

Catapultaway · 07/08/2019 21:36

Forward planning is good sense, but seems he is going a bit OTT, retiring at 50 is ambitious with 2 kids.
But I wouldn't jump on the bandwagon calling him lazy and selfish. Can you not get a job that contributes a bit more OP?

JinglingHellsBells · 07/08/2019 21:36

Unless he has massive savings or an index linked pension which he can take at 50, he is not going to be able to retire.

do the very basic maths. Work out what you spend now annually, lowest possible figure, multiply that by 30 years, add on inflation over 30 years and that is the minimum.

Catsinthecupboard · 07/08/2019 21:53

I can't see him being better....ever.

Try talking to him. If he's not willing to compromise with you, then decide if you want to spend your life in this way?

justasking111 · 07/08/2019 22:12

A man I know was obsessed because his parents died young, he too was convinced this was his fate. We went to his 80th this year.

VenusTiger · 07/08/2019 22:26

One word OP, selfish.

busyhonestchildcarer · 07/08/2019 22:26

Great that he is so focussed.The problem is that you dont get to enjoy the here and now which of course includes your poor children.Balance in everything and life goes too quick to only live for the future

onegiftedgal · 07/08/2019 23:49

He needs to live in the fucking moment and enjoy his children. He sounds awful. Ditch him and live life.

Jamieson90 · 08/08/2019 00:25

I can't understand why the OP only works 20 hours a week when both children are secondary school age.

Why don't you get a full time job so you both retire early and enjoy spending time with your children?

Sounds like your husband works hard, has a plan and doesn't want the money blown on frivolous things.

sansou · 08/08/2019 01:10

It is a joint account so I have full access to the money so even though he says £20 I spend what I need to.

The OP is hardly being financially abused here. Too many extreme responses here considering her DH hasn't kept all his money separate and refused her access! He's having a Bah Humbug grumble is how I tend to read it - certainly not LTB territory!

Personally, only having to use part of an inheritance to pay off your mortgage is life changing imo - you've got more disposable monthly income if you're now mortgage free. Being in your mid 40's, focusing on pensions and retirement planning is essential. If he hates his job, I don't blame him for not wanting to work longer than he must. Can you earn more/work more hours to relieve his stress? Maybe, you should encourage him to look for another job now that you have some financial security too.

You need to be on the same page or at least, working towards mutually agreed financial goals. If he's on an average salary, how much is his target income for when he's 50 and have you worked out how much savings you need for that until he's 55 and can access a private pension.

An old-fashioned rule of thumb is to multiply the income required by 25x to get the capital you need. So for £25k pa, you'll need at least £625K. HTH

ElleMac44 · 08/08/2019 01:26

Compromise, why doesn't he stay at work till 60, but only work part time from now till then. Best of both worlds, enjoy the time and money as a family, and he gets to enjoy the house and garden. Make memories, have fun, enjoy life.

JonSnowIsALoser · 08/08/2019 04:06

OP, so your husband thinks your kids shouldn’t go to uni, because you don’t need a degree to get a job?

And yet he hates his own semi-skilled job so much that he’s desperate to retire at 50?

Can he see a big problem with this reasoning?

JonSnowIsALoser · 08/08/2019 04:11

@Jamieson90
Read the OP’s explanation why. Mainly because getting a permanent full-time job is not something you can easily get - but she’s looking into it.

Also, because they can’t afford childcare and have no family to help out, and an 11-year-old still needs looking after I guess?

Northernsoulgirl45 · 08/08/2019 05:36

To be fair on op it seems like the university issue has only come up in conversation recently. So she cannot be blamed for focussing on a more trivial issue in op.
Although her dh resenting the amount spent ln food is very telling and indicates to me that he is being quite selfish.
I accept op works part time but I bet also does more at home and historically probably did the lions share of thr childcare and house work too in the more labour intensive years.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/08/2019 07:14

@billsnewhat Your husband sounds unrealistic.

I don't know what his father died of, but at 63 it was likely to be cancer or heart disease. These are both linked - though not solely of course- to lifestyle.

Your DH ought to focus on keeping fit and enjoying life NOW. He may die at 50 or he may live to 101. Who knows.

Neither of you appears to have taken advice on pensions . At your age now, you are likely to have to wait till 70 for the state pension- been talk of retirement age rising to 70 in the not too distanct future. THis means you would rely solely on your personal pensions.

Do you have one? Are you putting money into a pension either through work or your own scheme?

What kind of pension does your DH have now?

What investments is he making?

I've not read all 12 pages but picked up something about your DCs and uni. It's perfectly possible for students to get through uni without parental support- they get a loan for a start, and can also add to this through part time work. We helped our DCs out with living costs , but many of their friends had no parental help. The other thing is, by the time yours are the age for uni, the whole loans or grants system may have changed.

Get an appt with a finance expert on pensions and get real- both of you!

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2019 07:14

To be fair on op it seems like the university issue has only come up in conversation recently. So she cannot be blamed for focussing on a more trivial issue in op.

The issue came up before she wrote the thread. And one child is 15. Gcse stage. In nearly all households this would have at least been mentioned by now.

swingofthings · 08/08/2019 07:24

Mainly because getting a permanent full-time job is not something you can easily get - but she’s looking into it
Then the issue is only temporary.

I might of course be reading behind the line, but I'm wondering whether the issue of spending £20 came up because OP has been spending a lot more the first weeks of holidays and he has said that from now on, thry didn't need to spend as much.

The Uni issue started as a discussion and became an argument, maybe with him saying the kids didn't need to go if they don't show much of an interest in studying and don't know what they want to do, which could have been left out.

I expect there's more to the story, but ultimately, they live in a nice house, in a nice area, kids have tablets and phones, it doesn't sound like they have it that hard because of their tight dad who is happy to have a joint account.

Kpo58 · 08/08/2019 08:06

If he isn't willing to compromise, I would divorce him. I wouldn't want to spend a retirement doing nothing. His retirement looks like a never going out or on holiday. Never having visitors over if they will want to be fed and walking the 50 miles to cousin Eric's house and camping at the side of the road so he doesn't have to pay for petrol or train fares.

lynfordthecrab · 08/08/2019 09:28

Not money savvy. Tight. And unreasonable.
Life is short. We do not know how long we are here for, we need to live life to the full (within our means obviously) whilst we can.
Fun needs to be spent with the children now. on family holidays and making memories.
Life can be so quickly and cruelly ripped away from us and whilst I wholeheartedly believe in saving for the future I also believe in living whilst alive. Dying with a million quid in the bank and the rest of the family having being left money but no fun memories is a very very sad way to go. IMO

LatteLove · 08/08/2019 09:31

You need a lot of money to retire at 50!

This! I would only retire at that age if I was pretty loaded, it’s a long time to live scrabbling around for money!

LatteLove · 08/08/2019 09:32

He’s a tight bastard. I couldn’t be with someone like this. Miserable cunt

verticality · 08/08/2019 09:32

To put it bluntly, you've traded an unnecesarily high degree of financial security in future for happiness in the present. This is not a good way to live.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/08/2019 09:37

Moving money from account to account to get the best interest rates (usually no more than 3% for long term ISAs) is not good financial planning.

We've just spent 6 months with a pensions expert on what best to do with our income and future planning.

His behaviour is a bit like arranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.

When what you both need to do is consult some financial planners re pensions, set up investments, have a proper plan. Not work all hours god sends in a semi skilled job trying to save to retire at 50.

This is typical of the behaviour of someone who doesn't really understand money, long term growth, etc.

LatteLove · 08/08/2019 09:42