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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not struggle financially

317 replies

billsnewhat · 06/08/2019 08:04

Good morning fellow mumsnetters. Last yr we were left some money by an elderly relative it isnt a life changing amount but we both agreed this money would take the pressure off slightly. 18 months on and my DJ has decided that this money is not to be touched we paid off the mortgage and the rest is to be saved for retirement as my husband wants to retire at 50 which is 4 yrs time. He has now working overtime at work to make extra money to live and is absolutely exhausted and I have a £20 budget for the summer holidays. He says the kids eat his money and I spoil them by spending money on taking them out for a daily walk and a trip to the park should suffice no swimming or cinema as we can't afford it - the thing is we can afford it and it annoys me that we are struggling when we don't need to. No holiday either as we can't afford it - AiBU he has always been money savvy hence why we have a nice house in a nice area as he bought his first house at 19 by saving and managing his money from 14! His sister tells me he spent no money for 5 years as it was his dream to own his own house before he was 20. Every spare moment at moment is spent moving money from account to account to get the right rate. AIBU to think we should the enjoy money a bit more?

OP posts:

AquaPris · 06/08/2019 09:42

I don't think it's really fair to retire at 50... he could live for another 40 years!!
I think he should work until he's 60 so he doesn't ruin his kids childhood so he can retire two decades early.

InDubiousBattle · 06/08/2019 09:43

YANBU, do you not have imput or control over your finances op?

Xenia I'm guessing her dh is a pretty high earner if he's seriously planning on retiring at 50, earning 10 times more than him would not be a realistic plan for 99% of the population

dottiedodah · 06/08/2019 09:51

I can see your husbands point .Its a dream come true to take early retirement.However this must not be at the cost of your children having fun!.Do you work at all .I would say that you need to sit down and have a serious chat .I think he would be surprised to find he would be a lot poorer if you were to divorce TBH!.Surely some sort of compromise could be reached .Maybe £50 p/w over the holidays ,and a summer break of some sort Camping in France is quite reasonable for example

ChimesAtMidnight · 06/08/2019 10:02

Wow ! His desire for stockpiling money is sucking the joy from you and your children's lives.
What they will remember of their childhood will be miserable memories of penny pinching.

TeddTess · 06/08/2019 10:04

he has tunnel vision.
tell him you're miserable and you're leaving. Should focus the mind.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 06/08/2019 10:04

You will not get the time back with your kids OP...spoil them a a bit now.I am all for saving for a rainy day but its going to rain whatever at some point and your childrens childhood should not be put on the back burner for retirement.It is sensible to save but you all have to live in the meantime.Don't let your kids down now...their childhood and experiences right now are to be enjoyed and will help shape them into adults.Go make memories with them and if that takes money then so be it.

RosaWaiting · 06/08/2019 10:06

fragalino well it depends on a lot of things, like how much you have initially.

But if a couple of hours faff makes £50, well worth it. Or even £25. Once you get used to it, it’s a few clicks.

Original poster

billsnewhat · 06/08/2019 10:07

My FIL died at 63 without even reaching retirement age and DH struggles with this as he is convinced he will die by 65 so he wants 15 years of quality time. I work 20 hrs a week in term time and kids are 13 and 11. He never went anywhere with his parents as a child he just played in his garden and played in the road on his bike but he doesn't think he missed out because he was never taken anywhere he didnt miss out and was quite happy although he spent 4 weeks of every summer holiday with his grandma and she took him on holiday and for days out. My children are a little odd that at 13 and 11 they want to go out and do things - we dont have a play station (no interest!!) They have phones and tablets but only really on them when nothing else to do. Dh can't understand in this phone and Netflix world why I always have to be taking them out. My son was out at a friends yesterday so my dd and I went out for lunch only brewers fayre so not big money then we went shopping and bought a few bits for school and i bought her a pair of shorts - today my dd has gone to the cinema with her friend £20 for ticket and lunch and i am taking son and his friend swimming. It is a joint account so I have full access to the money so even though he says £20 I spend what I need to. The inheritance came from his relative but before we had this inheritance we enjoyed life more than we do now. I think it all boils down to the fact that he doesn't like his job very much he loves gardening and keeping house and cant wait for the day when his house and garden can be his main focus and his dad never got to do this hence why he wants to retire in 5 yes time. Now we have some money he believes he can do this. You need a big stash of money at 50 to be able to retire and because he needs this money to enjoy retirement he doesn't want it touched!

OP posts:

RosaWaiting · 06/08/2019 10:16

The “dying before retirement” is a fear of mine too.

How do the family finances work generally? You need to find a compromise. I grew up in a similar way, cinema a rare treat, never ate out. I’m very grateful as dad left money partly due to all this. In those days it was seen as normal, not frugal.

pandarific · 06/08/2019 10:20

Why doesn't he look into going part time now? Then he can enjoy bimbling around the house and garden and spending time with his children while they're still young. Why does it have to be so all or nothing?

RosaWaiting · 06/08/2019 10:21

Pp saying you won’t get time back with your kids

You won’t, but things I remember of my late father, from childhood, are things like playing football in the park, that’s not expensive. From adulthood, stupid things like helping him with DIY when he got a bit old to do it.

Mum is 80 and we still have a pile of my favourite books that both parents read when I was little. When my father was dying, we could still say lines from those books to comfort each other.

Oh, I feel totes emosh now....we didn’t need to spend much to have lovely times or any of that making memories crap that seems to go on.

madcatladyforever · 06/08/2019 10:25

Maybe he has just got to the point where he cannot tolerate work any more and needs to retire.
I've reached that point myself at 57 and the thought of working for another 10 years makes me rage.
However he is taking a my word is law attitude and he cannot do that with a family.
Four years isn't long but they are childhood years that you will not get back.
You really do need to compromise and must sit down together with figures to discuss this.
May be you could find some work one day a week that might pay for holiday activities. Weekend or night work so you don't need childcare.
Your husband needs to understand that this is a family decushion not a him only decision.
Divorce will totally scupper his early retirement plans. Maybe you should tell him this.

Jux · 06/08/2019 10:30

So everyone suffers because he wants to retire early? Nice.

Soontobe60 · 06/08/2019 10:35

Maybe he doesn't realise that if you divorced him now, the house would be split 50/50 as would the inheritance, plus as you only work pt he would have to pay cm too!
Remind him of that when he's moaning about money.

cdtaylornats · 06/08/2019 10:36

I know a workaholic, three weeks ago he was found unconscious and spent 4 days in hospital. Still unsure what was wrong, sent home with assorted medications and told to rest. Where is he today - in India looking at a new contract, from there back to Iraq to resume work.

His wife is not happy, she goes in for her 6th skin cancer op tomorrow.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 06/08/2019 10:38

But can't he see that he's missing that quality time now.

Isadora2007 · 06/08/2019 10:39

Bless him. Could he look at reducing hours and you upping yours? I actually feel so sorry for him being so stressed at work and working all this extra in the hope of enjoying his garden in years to come and yet missing out on life now. It’s really sad. Maybe a session with a financial advisor could help?

notapizzaeater · 06/08/2019 10:42

He’s missing life now, no one knows what’s round the corner and you need to enjoy every day.

The kids will soon be grown up and wont want to do things with you.

gamerchick · 06/08/2019 10:44

I think I'd be telling him that he unclenched a bit, that you and the kids aren't going to suffer in the meantime because he wants to retire early and that if he can't reach a compromise then it might kill your relationship dead. How would he feel then about a divorce, assets split equally and you both get on with your lives.

Paint a picture of what life can look like when one partner becomes overly selfish and self serving and see what he says.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 06/08/2019 10:47

We retired at 53 and to do that we were quite into our saving, though we still had fun.

We had lots of holidays every year but they tended to be things like camping in Italy rather than Disneyland Florida.

I'm not sure about all these big spending days during the holidays that people have now though. Theme parks and the like are just stupid money. We would have cheap days at the beach or a country park or a museum with a packed lunch.

I wouldn't have taken my 11 year old daughter for lunch and shopping as a day out, just would never have occurred to me. And my 13 year old goes swimming and for lunch with his mates on much less than £20, maybe £10 at the most.

Being retired early is amazing but you do have to all be on board with it (think Mr Money Muststache and his wife have split up) and everyone's needs must be taken into account.

TeddTess · 06/08/2019 10:48

my dd and I went out for lunch only brewers fayre so not big money then we went shopping and bought a few bits for school and i bought her a pair of shorts - today my dd has gone to the cinema with her friend £20 for ticket and lunch and i am taking son and his friend swimming. It is a joint account so I have full access to the money so even though he says £20 I spend what I need to

so you don't only have £20 for the whole summer.

TeddTess · 06/08/2019 10:50

your update is telling. Your dh hates his job. You work 4 hours/day term time early.
Maybe you could work more and he works less?

Rachelover40 · 06/08/2019 10:50

In my opinion, your husband is being unreasonable and unrealistic.
You are quite right to want to be able to spend some money on fun.

He must really hate his job if he wants to retire at 50. He's being quite selfish if he is wanting you to be frugal in order the facilitate his early retirement.

ssd · 06/08/2019 10:51

God its going to feel like a long life being married to him.

Snowfalling · 06/08/2019 10:51

Sounds like he was less miserly with money before the inheritance. This windfall has made him tighter with money. Is it really worth him retiring early to enjoy life at the expense of making his own dc lives joyless? He could work a little less now and and enjoy life a bit more right now, and make life more fun for you ALL. He is sacrificing you and dc happiness and prioritising his wants. Retiring early is not a right, it's a luxury.

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