AIBU to not struggle financially

[billsnewhat]

Good morning fellow mumsnetters. Last yr we were left some money by an elderly relative it isnt a life changing amount but we both agreed this money would take the pressure off slightly. 18 months on and my DJ has decided that this money is not to be touched we paid off the mortgage and the rest is to be saved for retirement as my husband wants to retire at 50 which is 4 yrs time. He has now working overtime at work to make extra money to live and is absolutely exhausted and I have a £20 budget for the summer holidays. He says the kids eat his money and I spoil them by spending money on taking them out for a daily walk and a trip to the park should suffice no swimming or cinema as we can't afford it - the thing is we can afford it and it annoys me that we are struggling when we don't need to. No holiday either as we can't afford it - AiBU he has always been money savvy hence why we have a nice house in a nice area as he bought his first house at 19 by saving and managing his money from 14! His sister tells me he spent no money for 5 years as it was his dream to own his own house before he was 20. Every spare moment at moment is spent moving money from account to account to get the right rate. AIBU to think we should the enjoy money a bit more?

This isn’t just about the inheritance, his whole attitude to money is weird. Saying the ‘kids eat his money’? Feeding children is pretty much top family money priority!

What’s your wider financial situation like? If you’ve paid your mortgage off, things mustn’t be too bad?

1. does he hate his job?
2. do you work?
3. who left the money?

If it was his relative who left the money I would give him more say in decision. Also if he really hates his job I would have more sympathy. Lastly if I didn't work myself i would find it awkward to block his retirement plans.

If however it is your relative who left the money; his job isn't too bad and you wont be retiring at 50 I would tell him his plans are completely unacceptable.

I agree that it sounds a pretty miserable way to live. But whether or not he is BU depends on the circumstances. Do you work? If you don't then you can't really begrudge him wanting to save for an early retirement, especially if he's not enjoying his job. Who is it that actually inherited the money, you or him?

OP this is madness. We are actually in a fairly similar position - we inherited a significant sum at the beginning of the year. We are a little younger, both mid-thirties. We used most of the money to pay off our mortgage and put most of the rest into pensions. With the money that we are no longer using to pay the mortgage we save towards pensions (and children's savings) every month.

BUT: we've had several holidays this year, more planned for next year. We've had lovely family days out/treats too. This summer holidays is the first time I've NOT had a budget for things to do with the kids - 7 and 3.5. I mean I'm not going crazy, theme parks every day but we can afford to do SOMETHING everyday and that feels amazing. The inheritance wasn't lottery winning amounts but it was a lot and we feel it's secured our future (had no idea how we would afford to retire previously) and made out present more enjoyable too.

How come you can't afford a holiday or days out in the school holidays when you have paid off your mortgage and he is working overtime? Surely you should have spare money available even without dipping into the inheritence?

I agree that the money should not all be frittered away, but surely spending some of it on having a comfortable life now while the DC are young is a good use of it?

50 is very early to retire, he could live for decades after that - what does he plan to do with himself?

He's like the Rich Fool in the Bible, who built bigger barns to store his grain and goods, and that very night his soul was demanded of him! (God doesn't usually call someone a fool to his face, but did on this occasion).

Anything could happen to any one of you at any moment. Enjoy your cash.

I'm not suggesting that you go mad and spend it all, but I can't see how having an enjoyable time - cinema, swimming baths, game of tennis etc) and a couple of ice creams during the school holidays is going to postpone his retirement for 10 years.

And if he's working all the hours God sends to fund his early retirement (and I agree he should retire as early as he can - you're a long time dead) - then the chances of him having a stroke or heart attack through stress are massively increased.

You don't want to be married to a wealthy corpse! Remind him of this - and also that his children aren't children for long, and he needs to spend time with them.

I do think it depends on whether you work OP. If not then you could choose to work to bring in the money for holidays etc. If you do already then HIBU

Kids don't care about where they live, within reason. They will remember that they didn't do much in the hols. That is a shame if it was avoidable.

Just as a matter of interest . . .were his parents strapped for cash when he was a child? Did they work themselves into the grave just to put food on the table? Or were they feckless and profligate, and the family kept getting thrown onto the street?

Is that where his fear of not having enough comes from? (I've seen this in other people, that's all)

Get him to read A Christmas Carol and reflect on which character he is.

He is going to need a massive pension pot to be able to retire at 50 and maintain a decent lifestyle.

Out of interest whose relative was it that left the money?

Sounds like he is going to be penny-pinching until he retires then after he retires as well. This could be the rest of your life.

His approach is my approach
I spend ages moving money between accounts etc
But I’m not married with children. He should be tackling it in a way that’s best for the family. I do understand the desperation to retire early but he can’t impact everyone else for that.

Get him to take a week off and give him £20 and see how long it lasts him with two children at home all day!

He's being utterly ridiculous. Of course you don't need to spend a fortune but school holidays don't cost nothing - even if you don't do expensive days out, even things like kids cinema, swimming or a trip to the local petting zoo can get expensive.

DH and I are taking my 9yo niece out for the day tomorrow - I reckon we'll spend nearly £50 on her all-in. Yes, it's a one-off for us but things with children easily add up! Even if you bring lunch, you often end up buying drinks or ice-cream, there's petrol money to get to/from wherever you're going, entrance fees, bus fares...

Does he expect you to just do nothing all summer?

Christ I wouldn’t want to “enjoy” his retirement with him, it will be joyless.

Who's money was he spending during those 5 years?! It's not fair for his frugality to come at the expense of others.

This miserable man shouldn't be allowed to retire early!!!

Op we need answers tk the questions but even so, are they his children?.
Did he want children because at the moment he sounds like a stupid git. It sounds like he doesn't value or like his dc and is un connected to them.

Most of us love our dc and want to show him them a good time which yes, of course comes from walks, and playing and free stuff but with the occasional treat!

He sounds like he doesn't care for them at all, does he have other plans to actually run away on his own?

We had v small inheritance as well and I used well under a grand to buy annual pass to theme park. It was fabulous.
Everything else in pension and saving.

The family isn't just about him and his goal and desires its also about his children and what they need and want right now.

Tbh our weekly fun budget isn't that much more op but we divide all our ££ up into petrol, fun, christmas and have small saving pots on the go all the time.

Maybe if he did this (assuming he does actually love you all) it would ease his worries over £ because he knows x is for frivolity but y has been put aside for serious stuff.?

We have lots of cash allocated even down to petrol etc. I have also got a fun 'extra' pit going. So today we have family day out, we didn't use our weekend fun money but to top that up, I have an extra 40 from our fun extra pot, specially saved for such occasions😂😇.

Dh used to stress about ££ but breaking things down like this has helped, ring fencing all our needs. Of course it wouldn't work if the only project and need however was putting all money away for him.

You need to get to the bottom of this, and sort out money for everyone in family.

He is controlling you by controlling the family money.

Do not allow this.

He is not your boss.

The years that your children are young are often tough. Making some nice memories, even if it's lovely icecream after days out in the park, are precious.

He is sucking the joy from your life.
Feeding your children should not be viewed as an annoyance.

Take care OP, this will only get worse if you allow it.

It will be the makings of a miserable life for you and your children.

rosawaiting

What is point of moving money between accounts what do you gain from it and how often!

I suspect he earns more than you do and he was left money not you.
In that case the answer is do what I did - earn 10x your husband and then you get the choices in practice because it is more in a moral sense your money.

£20 is ridiculous! I can understand wanting to retire early. Does this mesh you can also retire?

*mean

Is he always this selfish!? Your poor kids, fair enough if your finances were totally stretched & £20 was all you could manage, but making them have a holiday with deliberately limited fun is just mean. How come it’s all about him? Does he control all your finances? Does he control everything actually...sounds pretty unpleasant. Time to have a bigger discussion if that’s the case..

For me it doesn't make sense to fritter away a one-off bonus on daily luxuries. Current spending, whether on necessities or luxuries, needs to come out of current normal income.

The spending of an inheritance should be evenly spread over the rest of you life. Even if it is a fairly small one. It sounds like putting it into the mortgage would be a good option.

Any option that involves a temporary boost to standard of living seems short-sighted to me.