AIBU to not struggle financially

[billsnewhat]

Good morning fellow mumsnetters. Last yr we were left some money by an elderly relative it isnt a life changing amount but we both agreed this money would take the pressure off slightly. 18 months on and my DJ has decided that this money is not to be touched we paid off the mortgage and the rest is to be saved for retirement as my husband wants to retire at 50 which is 4 yrs time. He has now working overtime at work to make extra money to live and is absolutely exhausted and I have a £20 budget for the summer holidays. He says the kids eat his money and I spoil them by spending money on taking them out for a daily walk and a trip to the park should suffice no swimming or cinema as we can't afford it - the thing is we can afford it and it annoys me that we are struggling when we don't need to. No holiday either as we can't afford it - AiBU he has always been money savvy hence why we have a nice house in a nice area as he bought his first house at 19 by saving and managing his money from 14! His sister tells me he spent no money for 5 years as it was his dream to own his own house before he was 20. Every spare moment at moment is spent moving money from account to account to get the right rate. AIBU to think we should the enjoy money a bit more?

I cannot understand that some women on here honestly think little part time job is the natural right of all women.
It reminds me of the poster who was told by the judge after divorce that she would be expected to earn her own living. She complained that she always had an afternoon nap so how could she possibly get a job.
As Bluntness said if one of the children had additional needs fair enough but two independent teenagers? Nope, a compromise is the way forward.

mrsmuddlepies I cant believe some men hold women back from going full time so they dont have to partake in the childcare provisions during the holidays!

What a terrible ambition - retirement at 50! I'm a lot older than 50 and can't think of a single person I know whose retired or even thinking of retiring yet. You might as well check into a Saga retirement complex and learn to play bridge. How unutterably dull.

If you can't imagine how great it is to be retired in your fifties, then you really don't have much imagination.

We travel, meet up with friends, exercise, garden, paint, write, cook nice food, volunteer. We have a lovely life.

I have never come across a man who refuses to let his wife work. If he did that would be abusive and a good reason to leave.
What childcare is involved in a fifteen year old? Childcare becomes an excuse once the children are at secondary school and can leave a woman with a very empty life once the children leave home. What is the OP going to do when the fifteen year old goes to university?

I agree with your dh tbh.
Did the same but only one of us was working.
2 houses paid off during our 30's/40's and pick and choose the work we want to do now, and travel the UK a lot.
Whilst life is for living, being frugal means you can enjoy the important things in your life.
You don't need to spend a lot to have fun, you can do it for free.
For £20 you can do a fair bit.

I bought my first house at 19 but wasn't a miser.

If his plan is to retire at 50 (in 4 years time) have you both discussed how you both plan to pay towards university expenses for the children - as these will come at a time when there is no income.
Is this additional future expense accounted for?

I think you both need to sit with an actual financial planner/advisor and discuss both of your financial aims.

He is not BU for wanting to retire at 50. But equally in a situation when the OP works part-time and term time there may need to be a re-evaluation for the future.

But it isn't imo his responsibilities to bankroll everyone especially none that the DC are independent and really don't need a FT SAH parent.

No, Tinkly, I really can't imagine it would be any fun to be so completely out of kilter with all my friends and peers! You're quite right. Your list of hobbies sound like how my pil (in their mid 70s) fill their time.

I have never come across a man who refuses to let his wife work what about a man who doesnt think child care is his responsibility.
Yes most men would love a woman to work full time but a lot are unwilling to pick up the childcare slack that comes with that.
OPs kids are 11 & 13- it would be unreasonable to expect such aged kids to look after themselves for 6 weeks in the holidays if both parents work full time. Holiday clubs for 2 that age full time probably cost more than OPs husband would be wiling to pay half for, i.e. more than £20 a week.

I cannot understand that some women on here honestly think little part time job is the natural right of all women

Nobody has said that, at all. We all know that part-time working (for EITHER parent) often makes practical sense for families for various reasons, and without knowing absolutely everything about the OP's financial and personal situation (which is none of our business) it's unfair to assume she's some sort of grabby lazy mare who thinks it's her "right" to work part time.
There are a lot of assumptions and generalisations being made on this topic now, its getting daft.

The OP hasn't even said what their respective earnings are. If she's a professional and he's on NMW, she could be earning more than he does, even if he is doing 50/60 hours a week.

I know she says that he wants to spend his time gardening and keeping house, but if he was at home and the OP keeps working, will he really step up and do everything he needs to do at home?

Because if he's been at work for the last 20 years and the OP has just got on with everything at home, there will be a whole list of jobs that need doing, that he's unlikely to even be aware that exists.

Haven’t RTFT but have read your update OP.
My DM died before retirement. She worked like a dog to provide for us and never got a chance to ‘enjoy’ her life (in my mind). It’s affected the way I live my life. I gave up a six figure salary in the city to stay at home with my children. I will never go back to a job where I work all day and spend hours commuting. I used to be massively motivated by money but now I realise quality of life is more important.
I sense your DH has had a similar experience. The difference is he seems to be prioritising his desire to retire early above everything else.
What does he say when you say challenge him? Specifically about the fact that you feel your quality of life was better before the inheritance?

No, Tinkly, I really can't imagine it would be any fun to be so completely out of kilter with all my friends and peers! You're quite right. Your list of hobbies sound like how my pil (in their mid 70s) fill their time.

Okay, well most of our friends have the same hobbies and interests as us. Guess we are all terribly dull.

Wondering what your approved list of hobbies for people in their fifties is to be honest, the mind boggles.

@Bluntness100 you argue literally on every thread.

I know a lot of people who 'retired' early, and majority of them have nice little part time jobs 2/3/4 days a week that bring in a small income. Depending on your pension scheme you can do ok taking early retirement, but 50 is quite early and can affect what you get significantly.

The point is, it generally is a woman who works part time, hence one of the leader posts about women and pensions at present on MN. It is foolish for a woman with children at secondary school to still use childcare as a reason for not working and contributing to a pension.
The OP's children are not babies that need childcare.
So why do so many women with secondary age children choose (and it generally is a choice) not to go back to work and help fund a pension to contribute to supporting them both in old age.
Ditto university fees. Why should it be a man's financial responsibility to support his children at university? Surely any self respecting woman would want to help her children.
Also this is AIBU, not chat and the OP asked other posters a question. In the view of many, she is unreasonable not to compromise and work more so that he can work less.

Bluntness, you have every right to put forward your opinion on AIBU. There are some people on this thread who are acting like the thread police. I think that breaks talk guidelines.

So my life for example I leave the house at 8am and get back at 6.15pm- working a 9-5, you think an 11year old should be alone for that many hours for 6 weeks of a school holiday?

sorry mrsmuddlepies my question above was for you

These threads are so illuminating, and always bring out the woman-bashing arseholes. Yawn yawn yawn.

The point, surely, is that the OP is not happy with her DH's stated ambition. In a balanced, equal partnership, you let one another know what makes you happy and unhappy, and (hopefully) find a compromise.

He's welcome to ask the OP to try to find more work if that's what he'd like (and we don't know that: it's just been assumed by the misogynists-R-US posters upthread), and she should be able to ask him to work less/ stop using his tightness to control his family.

They should be able to listen, take on one another's views and feelings, and find a way forward together.

I hope you can achieve that OP: he doesn't sound like a listener.

You just need to be on the same page, communicate about the future.
Situations change and what is right at a particular time can be totally inapplicable 6 months down the line.

What a terrible ambition - retirement at 50

Absolutely commendable imo, this did make me laugh.
Some people live to work to get more and more and see success ito money big house, luxuries, high disposable income, huge savings, and spend spend spend. Then drop dead when they retire, or become ill from the stress of having to earn.

Others work to live, to pay essential bills, and maybe a bit extra. To them life is for living, not working. They value time over money and see success as being able to retire early, having the freedom to do as they please and not still be on the treadmill at 50.

Good job we are all different or they'd be nobody working past 50 and the workforce would just be for younger people.
Good job we don't all want to work past 50 or there wouldn't be the jobs.

Just to clarify the children are 13 (not 15) and 11. I work 20 hours in a school because before the inheritance we would not have been able to afford childcare during the holidays and we have no family close by to help. I would like to work more hours now the children are older and keep my eyes open for other jobs but something I am finding with job hunting is that so many jobs are temporary contracts only and I have a permanent contract I would rather have a permanent job with less hours than take on a full time job for a year and then potentially be jobless. Don't get me started on university - funnlily enough we had a huge discussion which turned into an argument about it last night - they will be not going according to him. Too much debt and drinking. We agreed to disagree in the end. I think the main problem is he is extremely content pottering and doing nothing and he doesn't need to spend money to be happy. He doesn't need to go to the cinema - watch film on DVD, doesnt need a meal out - cook it yourself, don't need to go see a show -download off sky arts, a walk in the local nature reserve or a play in the local park is all that is needed in the weekends or school holidays. Kids have bikes and a football nothing else should be needed. He doesn't get why I want to do more and why I think the children need more to be happy.

I would be more concerned about the uni conversation. You don’t have shared goals and ambitions. This is a huge problem.

Your update makes him sound very controlling: it's not his call whether your kids choose to go to uni or not. Sadly if he's a high earner and refuses to contribute he could make things very difficult for them.

We factored putting our kids through uni into our retirement plan. Also stuff like house deposits and other financial help should our kids require it. We worked a couple of years longer to ensure we could cover those things.

God he sounds dull and his world is very small but he wants to drag you all down with him!

Can he look into going part time rather than retiring???