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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not struggle financially

317 replies

billsnewhat · 06/08/2019 08:04

Good morning fellow mumsnetters. Last yr we were left some money by an elderly relative it isnt a life changing amount but we both agreed this money would take the pressure off slightly. 18 months on and my DJ has decided that this money is not to be touched we paid off the mortgage and the rest is to be saved for retirement as my husband wants to retire at 50 which is 4 yrs time. He has now working overtime at work to make extra money to live and is absolutely exhausted and I have a £20 budget for the summer holidays. He says the kids eat his money and I spoil them by spending money on taking them out for a daily walk and a trip to the park should suffice no swimming or cinema as we can't afford it - the thing is we can afford it and it annoys me that we are struggling when we don't need to. No holiday either as we can't afford it - AiBU he has always been money savvy hence why we have a nice house in a nice area as he bought his first house at 19 by saving and managing his money from 14! His sister tells me he spent no money for 5 years as it was his dream to own his own house before he was 20. Every spare moment at moment is spent moving money from account to account to get the right rate. AIBU to think we should the enjoy money a bit more?

OP posts:

Devora13 · 08/08/2019 11:09

Whatever he achieved in his younger life, possibly at the expense of having fun himself, is admirable in its context. I did something similar apart from having s balance and making sure I had some enjoyment too.
BUT. Now he has a family and responsibilities, it's not just all about him. Money can come and go, the opportunity to make memories with your children while they are still young enough to want to spend time with you both won't come again.
You should be agreeing between you how this money is allocated. He's not in control of his life, money is.
My cousin had a husband who kept tight control on the purse strings. When they divorced he had to reveal his assets and ended up having to buy her and the children a house outright, plus paying an allowance. He lost a major slice of what was most important to him as well as his family. Does your DH understand he is taking a gamble on your family and relationship?

Dogsaresomucheasier · 08/08/2019 11:15

No, he gets to be a house husband, teenager taxi and dogsbody in four years time!

Devora13 · 08/08/2019 11:19

Oh and I just saw OP you made reference to his house, his garden. Speaks volumes.

TheInebriati · 08/08/2019 12:32

I get that an inheritance is ring fenced, but he has already made the decision to stop his children from attending university. That would be a deal breaker for me.

LizB62A · 08/08/2019 14:57

If he's convinced he's going to die early, make sure he puts his retirement nestegg and pension into something where it gets passed on to you and your children.
Then you can have a proper life with it.
He sounds miserable tbh

LizB62A · 08/08/2019 14:58

My advice: divorce him and get half, that's the only way you and your children will have a nice life.

womenspeakout · 08/08/2019 15:25

My advice: divorce him and get half, that's the only way you and your children will have a nice life.

This was my thinking too. It's not like it's going to get better when he finally does get to retire.

If you want to live your life, or even just have a normal life, which is going to the cinema or swimming with the kids, then that seems like the only way to get it.

It's so strange to me he's tightened the purse strings now that you actually have more financial security all for his wants. He seems to not even consider yours or the kids, down to not even allowing them a uni education.

Pinkflipflop85 · 08/08/2019 16:03

The Uni issue would be an absolute deal breaker for me. He is basically implying that your children are not worth aspiring to any graduate profession. I would be concerned about the children having a lot of resentment towards him when older if he really does put his foot down!

Namenic · 08/08/2019 16:32

OP - could you swap with your DH? Maybe he can be with the kids and you can do full time? Maybe he will understand the needs of teens more and try and negotiate with them?

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 08/08/2019 16:35

He's not in control of his life, money is.

I'm not so sure. The OP said he doesn't want to do anything. Saving money can be a real motive for not doing things and a great excuse for not doing things he doesn't want to do anyway. And for telling everyone else not to do them either.

Blue7 · 08/08/2019 17:44

My advice: divorce him and get half, that's the only way you and your children will have a nice life.

I was telling my Husband about this man and he said the exact same thing.

Branster · 08/08/2019 20:03

Why are so many posts advising OP to divorce her hard working DH and get half of his money?!
Why exactly should she do that?
None of us knows what his exact plans are for the future and he doesn’t sound like he would actually leave his family to starve and live on the streets.
One sensible suggestion is for both of them to shape their future more towards better inclusion of children’s financial needs. Actual discussions over a longer period of time until a compromise is found.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 08/08/2019 22:16

Why are so many posts advising OP to divorce her hard working DH and get half of his money?!

I haven't advised her to leave him but he doesn't sound open to reason much less compromise. He's exhausting himself with overwork, he accused his children of "eating his money" and a conversation about sending them to university caused a major row. Her efforts have not exactly gone well so far. When she tries to say anything about their financial needs he insists they don't have any - he didn't want anything except a house and neither should they. .

So good luck to the OP trying to have more "actual discussions" and "shaping their future more towards better inclusion of children’s financial needs".

LatteLove · 08/08/2019 22:22

I’m not advising her to divorce him, I’d said I couldn’t be with someone like him meaning I wouldn’t have married him in the first place. In OP’s shoes I’d up my working hours and use the extra on me and my kids. He can dip into his retirement fund to pay his share of the childcare

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 09/08/2019 05:22

I have a relative like this. He retired at 50. Just didn't want to work more, he'd earned quite well during his career too. They simply couldn't afford for him not to be working so early, their kids were still at home.
They live very tightly and can never afford holidays, birthday presents, their house hasn't been touched 20 years, no heating or cooling. It's a miserable existence. I'd rather be on my own and manage what I have than have someone looking over my shoulder and sucking the joy out of everything.

TheInebriati · 09/08/2019 19:40

Branster Its the only way their children will be able to attend university as he has said he won't support them, but his income is so high that they wont qualify for full loans or bursaries without his help.

whostoletheeyeoutyourteddybear · 10/08/2019 09:51

Leave him. He is controlling you and your children and taking charge of all your lives rather than just his one. Sorry to say this but it will just get worse and your children will grow to feel worthless. I left this life behind with my son. Luckily Ive always had a full time job and could afford to buy my own place. My son is much happier as am I. My ex on the other hand cannot understand what he has done wrong. Well that's just the lowlights, he would remove the TVs from the house to make sure we couldn't watch them and disconnect and throw away the broadband box of wr weren't fitting into his box of perfect behavior, no sound and not a crumb to be dropped. Certainly no treats for my son omg nooooo! Spending time with my son was considered spoiling him. He used to throw my son's shoes away so he couldnt go out. He let my dogs go and refused to take them back when returned by a neighbour. Need I go on.... It gets worse. Oh he also loves to keep house and garden. Thing is, he is on a full senior rank army pension and can afford to retire and had just turned 50 but continues to work for extra money. For the record, my 16 year old son, me, my two sled dogs and my wee cat are far happier than ever in our own relaxed house now!!

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