AIBU to not struggle financially

[billsnewhat]

Good morning fellow mumsnetters. Last yr we were left some money by an elderly relative it isnt a life changing amount but we both agreed this money would take the pressure off slightly. 18 months on and my DJ has decided that this money is not to be touched we paid off the mortgage and the rest is to be saved for retirement as my husband wants to retire at 50 which is 4 yrs time. He has now working overtime at work to make extra money to live and is absolutely exhausted and I have a £20 budget for the summer holidays. He says the kids eat his money and I spoil them by spending money on taking them out for a daily walk and a trip to the park should suffice no swimming or cinema as we can't afford it - the thing is we can afford it and it annoys me that we are struggling when we don't need to. No holiday either as we can't afford it - AiBU he has always been money savvy hence why we have a nice house in a nice area as he bought his first house at 19 by saving and managing his money from 14! His sister tells me he spent no money for 5 years as it was his dream to own his own house before he was 20. Every spare moment at moment is spent moving money from account to account to get the right rate. AIBU to think we should the enjoy money a bit more?

Debfronut is wise, brave and quite right. Live your life to the full and let your children do the same. This doesn't mean silly spending but it does mean creating memories. People who say 'we were poor, but we were happy' may be right but why scrimp and also later perhaps set up financial anxieties in your children? Your husband is extremely selfish.

I am also so very very sorry Debfronut - I know they are only words and I am a stranger, but I simply cannot imagine what you have been through. Live well my darling for your lost boy - I always feel we should live a good life for the people who are not here...

I just can't fathom how anyone could consider this man selfish when he is working all hours being knackered whilst OP is having it good working 20 hours term time and ultimately will depend on the money he has earned to support her when she retires.

It's all well to say enjoy life but how many people find themselves coming to 60, not able to pay off their mortgage because they remortgage a number of times to pay for their nice lifestyle. Exhausted people who struggle to get to work e ery day, cope with health issues that are magnified because of the fatigue and who have no option but to keep working to pay the mortgage and wake up anxious every day at the prospect of loosing their home if they cant go to work any longer.

OP is lucky to only need to work 20 hours. It's a luxury with children in 2ndary school. Plenty of time to find another job and be able to treat her kids until they can get a PT job themselves and enjoy luxuries of their own.

I do appreciate him hating work and wanting to be home based: could he retrain/change jobs to be a gardener or change jobs full stop?

As the saying goes: if you don't like where you are, move. You are not a tree.

Could he reduce his hours and you up yours? He can be at home more (and realise how unrealistic he is) and you would have more of your own money to do as you wish.

He cannot dictate to you all just to please himself and he fails to consider that in 4 years your kids will still be kids with all the expenses that go with it, including college and uni. Then what?

He's been working since he was 14 so no wonder he's tired and miserable and fearing death at 65 won't cheer him up either but, there's nothing to suggest that will happen so what happens when he gets to 65 and he's still here? Will he still have enough money to live on? Will YOU if you outlive him?

It's all well and good asking us but actually you need to have a proper discussion with him and make it clear you won't back down on the topic.

There's being good with money, and then there's this.

Even those who aren't doing too well financially can afford to take the kids swimming a few times in the holidays or the cinema.

This sounds awful, you're getting no enjoyment from life if you can't just take the kids to the cinema as a treat.

Why is he deciding all of the money decisions? Why is he setting you your budget, you must be in this together, so you get a say?

And early retirement, well it's not going to be much different if this is how he's lived his life since he was a young teen. He won't be relaxing his self imposed rules on you all, remember, that money will have to last him the rest of his life with no income, so he'll most likely beceom more frugal.

The plan is flawed on many levels, as ultimately you don't have enough to retire in 5 years time.

You can't retire when you've still got dependents in the home unless you're very wealthy. Your youngest will only be 15/16.

Many people have also mentioned university, though I guess if he's not working then they would just get the full loan amount, but check.

It sounds like he can only retire if you both maintain a miserable frugal existence. Even if you did that it's not planning for unforeseen expenditure, eg ill health of any of you (including your kids) , major problems with the house and so on.

Retiring at 50 is not really an option for most of us these days. Maybe the compromise is at 50 to go part time or to find a job that he likes more which may oay less (eg if he likes gardening could he do something related to that?).

Also the deal should be that you both get to retire at the same age, not you soldiering on into your mid 60s to subsidise his retirement.

LTB
Send him my way.
I think he sounds great

His parents, his inheritance, his money. That's what I thought when dh received inheritances from his grandparents and parents. dh decided what to do with it. It was completely up to him whether he saved it for a rainy day or blew it on a BMW. You would be unreasonable to want to make decisions on what your dh does with that money, saving it for an earlier retirement is a reasonable decision. dh "spent" it 4 ways, totally his decision, new(ish) family car, cleared small amount of debt, paid off chunk of mortgage, put into savings for ds.

Family money (i.e. your joint incomes/savings) is totally different. You should both have equal say and come to agreement/compromise in your spending/saving goals. Part of that compromise, now the children are older/more independent and if you agree what childcare is necessary, might be you actively seeking additional hours to contribute to those goals.

I feel for you. I have this mindset, so I see where he is coming from, but I can also see your point of view. I think he has decided to take it to extremes, budgeting has to be done together and differing financial values can make life difficult. If he hasn't already, look at Mr Money Mustache and the Frugalwoods. There are stories of couples who have decided to retire early and they discuss a lot how to have the max fun on min budget...there are lots of creative ways to have cheap holidays. If you can stop him stressing and show him you are buying into the dream but it has to work for the whole family, you can win him round. Work with him, you are much better off with this man than someone who can't control their spending and has a ton of debt. Ask him to run through budgets together, look for ways to save and invest. Read Rich Dad Poor Dad, then remind him there are no pockets in shrouds...Good luck.

Kind of fascinated with what he is going to do if he ends up living well beyond his expected death. He seems so certain that he will die in his mid 60s and has planned financially accordingly. What does he think will happen if he lives to be 90. He's going to be very poor.

DH's father died at age 59 and he is now 60. However he expects to live longer as he is much fitter and leads a healthier lifestyle. His reaction is rather the opposite though. He wants to keep working for as long as possible to provide financially for me and the two DC as much as possible.

I think your DH is BU about this.

Frankly, I think your DH is selfish.

He brought children into this world, and he should want more for them. He should want them to be able to do things that they enjoy, have some summer fun, holiday experiences, if it's within the economic realm. He should expect them to live a miserly existence because he essentially had one and he feels he didn't miss out.

Many, many letters to advice columnists relay similar anger with parents who did this to children... prioritised themselves at all costs over their own children. Really shitty parent, imo.

I would put my foot down, tbh. He's being selfish. He can't expect his children to be like him; they're not. They sound like good kids. And his desire that they don't go on to higher education because he didn't and 'what's good enough for him should be good enough for them' attitude is the epitome of shitty parenting attitude, no better than people who don't want their children to do better than they themselves did ...

I'd go so far as suggesting that if your marriage breaks down over this crap, he'll be working until the day he dies for sure, as everyone will be split.

@Billsnewhat Has he seen a financial advisor? Have you? He needs to get some reality into all of this.

I've recently seen a financial advisor re my pension and assets and I'm early 60s.

To retire at 50 and have enough income for another 35 years (average life expectancy for you and slightly less for men) with no work, you are looking at a savings pot of at least £2million. This is to allow for inflation. Unless you have that kind of income, retiring at 50 is pie in the sky.

You say the inheritance wasn't life changing yet in your early 40s you have paid off the mortgage. That's good.

There is significant evidence that work prolongs life, as long as it's work that's enjoyable. Retiring early is fine if you have the funds to enjoy life for 35 years but you need real plans that go beyond just holidays, wining and dining for a third of life.

Sounds like he is cloud cuckoo land.

He's an idiot. You might not both live into your retirement. Sorry to put a downer on it but a lot of people get cancer etc around 60 and you just don't know what's around the corner. Live right now while you have your health.

@Gravitsap, without treating herself to any nice things in life it probably feels like 201 to your grandmother! Bless her.

Blue7 I am sorry to hear about your brother its hard to lose someone so close. Punkatheart thank you for your kind words x

As someone who works in Financial Services & has daily involvement in pensions, there's one potentially massive hole in your DH's plan. If he's put a lot of the money into a pension scheme, by law he cannot touch it until he is 55 under current regulations unless he has a "protected retirement age" (which seems unlikely as you've said he's a semi-skilled worker & I can't think of a semi-skilled profession that would have a PRA).

@JustOdd I thought that too but I would imagine with all the moving of money between accounts he is just saving it and not actually putting it all into a pension. Meaning he could live off that for 5 years before drawing his pension.

The point is, he doesn't sound flexible or open to any discussions. I don't know how someone so single minded could be with woman and child.

He sounds like a bachelor.

It's bizzare way to think.

He sounds to have a bit of a hang up on money for sure but doesn’t seem to be work shy or lazy given he’s working his arse off like some people are arguing regarding plans to retire.

He seems to have some sort of inflexible fixed plan on his head and is working to do it. Doubt he’ll actually ‘enjoy’ retirement when it happens though as unlikely he’ll have a personality transplant and lose the shackles. Will still be a bean counter.

*Eh? confused

He's the one who wants to hoard it all so HE can retire at fifty-which benefits nobody except himself. All OP is asking is whether it's reasonable to spend a bit more of the inheritance on a little more fun now, she's hardly suggesting they blow it all.

DH is the only one "having it all his own way" at the moment.*

Agree with you. And the fact is, the OP doesn't want to spend the inheritance, she said they were spending on going out and those type of things BEFORE the inheritance. She's just expecting they could at least keep the same standards as they had before.

Going swimming isn't a huge expense, but he doesn't think they should even spend the money on that.

I would definitely invest it. It was unexpected so I would not miss it.

Mostly people are financially illiterate and are led to believe in instant gratification after being programmed by tv ads.

I also wonder about how resentful he is of the children 'eating away' HIS money, and how he doesn't expect them to cost him any of his precious money.

If you have that much laying around in savings, you'll be expected to put up a lot of money for Uni fees, I can't see him liking that.

Jesus, you're not asking for a Bentley, just to be able to take the kids to the cinema, which you have always been able to do before you got a huge amount of money!

My biodad was a miser in a lot of ways; I've been NC with him for 25+ years.
I wouldn't stay with someone like that if I had children. I would want better for my children.

@bluntness100 I trained at a city law firm, got paid a lot but I was the most miserable I’ve ever been. It’s a terrible high pressure environment which is impossible to combine with having a family. If I had my time again I would do things very differently and so would almost everyone I trained with - many of whom suffered very serious mental health issues.

But I digress. My point is that going to uni isn’t just about accessing a better job, it’s about studying something you enjoy, having a life experience, opening your mind to different people, ideas etc and learning to live on your own. I’m gobsmacked that any parent who could afford it would deny their kids that option.

As others have said, you never know what’s round the corner. Money isn’t everything but it does help to buy experiences that will last a lifetime. Don’t deny yourself and your kids that - you are already resentful. Think what it will be like when your kids are grown up and you can’t do those things anymore even if you want to. Take the holiday (even if it’s a cheap break or camping or something) and tell your DH that £20 a week won’t be enough. Nobody wants to be the richest man in the graveyard.

funnlily enough we had a huge discussion which turned into an argument about it last night - they will be not going according to him. Too much debt and drinking. We agreed to disagree in the end

OK, just got to this, so he's willing to just deny them an education. Your children could be exceptionally gifted, would maybe like a career whereby you cannot get a job without a degree, a doctor perhaps, but he's just a flat no.

Funny though, that he gets to do exactly what he wants. He doesn't get to decide if your kids want to go to uni!

He doesn't want to spend the money he knows he'll now be responsible for.