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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not struggle financially

317 replies

billsnewhat · 06/08/2019 08:04

Good morning fellow mumsnetters. Last yr we were left some money by an elderly relative it isnt a life changing amount but we both agreed this money would take the pressure off slightly. 18 months on and my DJ has decided that this money is not to be touched we paid off the mortgage and the rest is to be saved for retirement as my husband wants to retire at 50 which is 4 yrs time. He has now working overtime at work to make extra money to live and is absolutely exhausted and I have a £20 budget for the summer holidays. He says the kids eat his money and I spoil them by spending money on taking them out for a daily walk and a trip to the park should suffice no swimming or cinema as we can't afford it - the thing is we can afford it and it annoys me that we are struggling when we don't need to. No holiday either as we can't afford it - AiBU he has always been money savvy hence why we have a nice house in a nice area as he bought his first house at 19 by saving and managing his money from 14! His sister tells me he spent no money for 5 years as it was his dream to own his own house before he was 20. Every spare moment at moment is spent moving money from account to account to get the right rate. AIBU to think we should the enjoy money a bit more?

OP posts:
PooWillyBumBum · 06/08/2019 15:01

Whose relative was it? Despite the fact I'm married, if I inherited from my parents I'd want more say in what to do with it.

If he's working substantially more hours than you a week, and it was his relative, I think it's reasonable for him to want to leave the money aside for retirement. Then again I share your husband's sentiments - not bothered about cinema etc and would be happy in the garden!

Chakano · 06/08/2019 15:02

They aren't living to work. They are working because working is productive and good for the soul, makes you a contributor and a participant in society, and they don't want to age 10 years overnight by suddenly having nothing to do any more.

Of course they are, otherwise they wouldn't do it Confused There's nothing wrong with this if it's how you want to live. People who work to live see it necessary to pay bills, and don't see it as being a contributor or good for the soul.
I'd find working, unless it was just for my benefit as soul destroying, stressful and I'd age 10 years.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 06/08/2019 15:05

Some people live to work

And some people work to live

For us, once we had secured enough to live reasonably for the rest of our lives, and provide for our children's likely future needs, then that was it. Bollocks to working being good for your soul.

RosaWaiting · 06/08/2019 15:11

Working certainly hasn’t done anything good for my soul.

Anyway, back to problems at hand, OP, you have to talk to your DH, find a compromise, do some extra work yourself perhaps, especially if you want to have the pricey stuff for your DC.

I was just talking in another thread about doing childcare for a parent friend. She’s a single parent and has to make do. She still has fun, her DD is 11 and at some point, things like expensive snacks and theme parks and even cinema just aren’t on the agenda.

Derbee · 06/08/2019 15:19

Retiring at 50 with someone who has this attitude to money sounds awful. Also, if he’s financially planning to retire and not live past 65, I suspect you’ll run out of money

thisnamechanger · 06/08/2019 15:27

What a terrible ambition - retirement at 50! I'm a lot older than 50 and can't think of a single person I know whose retired or even thinking of retiring yet

Crikey and there's me working on retiring at 35 Grin Saga here I come.

thisnamechanger · 06/08/2019 15:28

working is productive and good for the soul, makes you a contributor and a participant in society

Disagree. I think work is a boring waste of time.

timshelthechoice · 06/08/2019 15:33

What? Your H is a tight twat. Your kids must be miserable! A daily walk and the park for a teen and tween? What an arsehole. I'd have been off a long time ago, OP. And working FT once the younger one went to secondary school. Wonder what the split would be in a divorce . . . I'd see a solicitor.

flowerycurtain · 06/08/2019 15:44

Wow I know my kids are younger but all these people who think £20 a week isn't a lot to spend on entertainment. I must be really tight!!

I also to a point agree with your husband re uni. Of course it's worth it to be a doctor or a lawyer or a nursery. A history degree? Great If your parents or you can afford it. And I say that as a history graduate.

I also think you can't comment on him wanting to retire early when you work 20 hrs a week termtime.

It sounds like you have some massive issues between you about shared goals that need addressing. Good luck.

Blue7 · 06/08/2019 15:45

Disagree. I think work is a boring waste of time.

Some people have jobs they absolutely love.

If he is happy to potter around his garden and home for the next how many years in retirement and not much else because he hasn't got the extra money then that's fine. Of I was you OP I would be getting a full time job and meet some new friends or reconnect more with the ones you have. He sounds a right boring fart.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/08/2019 15:46

I think the childhood he had in the 70's was very different to what today's childhoods are.

So? My childhood in the 60s wasn't like his, or like most childhoods now either. Most people can find other ways to be happy apart from their own childhood. And they are aware that what other people need to make them happy, even in their own family, isn't exactly the same as what makes them happy, and they don't resent that. Your husband may just want to spend his life pottering in his garden, but that's not his childhood. It's him.

Chakano · 06/08/2019 15:47

OMG Shock at how many people would divorce and think OP dh bad for not spending money needlessly.
Says a lot about them marrying for money rather than love. No better than prostitution.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/08/2019 15:49

OMG Shock at how many people would divorce and think OP dh bad for not spending money needlessly.

No, it's for his failing to recognise that his family's needs are not the same as his own needs.

Blue7 · 06/08/2019 15:53

Chakano, that did make me laugh.

It's the boredom factor for me. I love gardening but if that's all I did everyday from the age of 50 it would send me barmy. I love my job though.

GrassAndDaisies · 06/08/2019 15:57

Sounds like financial abuse.

HelloyouKant · 06/08/2019 15:58

Let him entertain the kids with £20 a week, see how long that’s lasts!!!

Walkmehome · 06/08/2019 16:04

I know someone who was obsessed with retiring at 50 and saved and saved and managed it. Ten years on he is still penny pinching and the whole family are restricted to only using the electricity, heating and water at certain times, no exaggeration.

Chakano · 06/08/2019 16:05

Ah come on this is ridiculous, how is it financial abuse ffs?
it's not a necessity, what about those who can't afford more than £20 per week is that financial child abuse Grin

No, it's for his failing to recognise that his family's needs are not the same as his own needs. Ha Ha, who needs to spend money on entertainment, they won't starve or go thirsty and will still have a home.
Our needs are all pretty much the same give or take, but our wants vary greatly as this thread has shown

GrassAndDaisies · 06/08/2019 16:08

Hmm what about those who can't afford more than £20 per week is that financial child abuse

This family can clearly afford more. Than £20pw on entertainment.

The ops H is a selfish knob

Chakano · 06/08/2019 16:09

Blue

I totally agree if you enjoy your work and it's something you are passionate about it can hardly seem like work and I can't see why you'd retire early.
Have just found something like that for me, not sure if it will pay a salary or just pin money, but I don't care as it makes me so happy.

Blue7 · 06/08/2019 16:11

Surely though as a parent you want to give your children experiences and share these experiences. I'm taking about Disney Land every year. I'm talking about having fun, photos and memories to look back on.

He is putting himself first. Why did he bother to have a family? Why didn't he just live on his own and save and retire at 50 and be boring.

Chakano · 06/08/2019 16:12

Grass

Being able to afford it doesn't make it right and the dh wrong. They just have different views.
My kids weren't given money or a lot spending on them, they didn't need it. We could afford it but prioritised different things.
My dd on holiday for 10 weeks and hasn't asked for any money, trips, etc and is quite happy at home revising.

Blue7 · 06/08/2019 16:12

I'm not talking Disney Land, I meant not Disney Land.

Blue7 · 06/08/2019 16:15

That's good Chakano. I'll never be loaded but I do love what I do.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 06/08/2019 16:17

Ha Ha, who needs to spend money on entertainment

But this about more than just entertainment.

He didn't need to go to university himself so he thinks that his children wont need to either. Although mass university education is one thing that really has changed since the 80s. Sure, his kids might be able to get by without but they might not and it will probably be harder for them than it was for him.

And it is about more than just spending money too. He has a whole lot of doesn't need to go out or do anything new going on. He's scared of losing money and he's also scared of anything outside his own tiny bubble. In the long run that will affect the OP's life for the worse.

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