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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not struggle financially

317 replies

billsnewhat · 06/08/2019 08:04

Good morning fellow mumsnetters. Last yr we were left some money by an elderly relative it isnt a life changing amount but we both agreed this money would take the pressure off slightly. 18 months on and my DJ has decided that this money is not to be touched we paid off the mortgage and the rest is to be saved for retirement as my husband wants to retire at 50 which is 4 yrs time. He has now working overtime at work to make extra money to live and is absolutely exhausted and I have a £20 budget for the summer holidays. He says the kids eat his money and I spoil them by spending money on taking them out for a daily walk and a trip to the park should suffice no swimming or cinema as we can't afford it - the thing is we can afford it and it annoys me that we are struggling when we don't need to. No holiday either as we can't afford it - AiBU he has always been money savvy hence why we have a nice house in a nice area as he bought his first house at 19 by saving and managing his money from 14! His sister tells me he spent no money for 5 years as it was his dream to own his own house before he was 20. Every spare moment at moment is spent moving money from account to account to get the right rate. AIBU to think we should the enjoy money a bit more?

OP posts:
Debfronut · 06/08/2019 18:31

My son died at 29. He was a saver never even spent birthday money because his ambition was to buy a house outright and visit Japan. He didn't get to do either of those things and I am so glad that his dad and I are spenders not savers because our walls and albums and videos are full of the fun days out, holidays both expensive and cheap and experiences we had with him and his siblings. A life you have lived to the maximum is what we are here for in our opinion. I don't think you will enjoy his retirement very much OP you don't sound in tune with him at all. Start making a life for yourself separately even if you stay with him so you and your children can make memories.

Blue7 · 06/08/2019 19:46

Debfronut - so sorry to read this but glad you gave your Son many happy years.

If OP's Husband likes goals then why didn't he train in another job that he liked better. What's the point of him being miserable in a job he hates so he can retire and still have to watch every penny.

ThatCurlyGirl · 06/08/2019 20:20

Sorry for your loss @Debfronut I can't even imagine what you've been through ThanksThanksThanks

Debfronut · 06/08/2019 20:43

Thank you. A loss like that changes your perspective on life I think.

Iflyaway · 06/08/2019 20:46

I have a £20 budget for the summer holidays

How can you even eat from that with kids around??

I would dump a tight arse like that.

Blue7 · 06/08/2019 22:11

Debfronut, I lost my Brother when he was only 18 with a great future ahead of him. Life is for living. Everyone is so obsessed about being rich in retirement or retiring earlier and saving like mad. There should be some balance

shinynewapple · 06/08/2019 23:05

Is there any possibility that over the next year you and your DH can re-evaluate the hours that you each work, with him reducing his hours and you taking on a few extra instead? If he had a better work-life balance he may not be so set on retiring at 50.

When you first mentioned the £20 per week I thought this didn't sound so bad as I probably spent around that during school holidays. However to put into perspective I only have one DC and there would have been a week holiday away and maybe a few days seeing relatives as well, so this is perhaps a bit tight.

Durgasarrow · 07/08/2019 02:51

Meanwhile, your children only get one childhood.

BogglesGoggles · 07/08/2019 02:56

So he is actually just hoarding it? It’s one thing if he is investing it but he may as well be burning it if he’s just storing it in savings accounts. YANBU.

beanaseireann · 07/08/2019 08:42

He sounds like a miser billsnewhat
I'd hate to live with him.

sillysmiles · 07/08/2019 15:51

OP how do you see your future retirement together? I think you both need to talk about that and see if you have any shared goals and hopes for the future.

Fragalino · 07/08/2019 16:16

.... He doesn't get why dc need more to be happy....

That's fine op and it's something HE doesn't need to get or understand. They are NOT him, you are NOT him, you don't get him either but you don't need too.

He just needs to know they do need more end of and it's nice to have the money there regardless.

Re University again, his thoughts can go in the mix but as his children are off spring and not him again his thoughts have little bearing.

I relevant

Fragalino · 07/08/2019 16:26

.... He doesn't think he missed out because he was never taken anywhere as a child and doesn't think he missed out...

We here this every year re Xmas on here.
'we never did fc so my kids won't I still enjoyed Xmas'.

Our dc are not us they are different!

Fragalino · 07/08/2019 16:33

Rosa waiting, how many times would've you change bank accounts in a year.

Do you think it's worth changing isa (child's) from 3.25 % to 3.60%?

For you, would that be no brainer.

macpumpkin1 · 07/08/2019 17:19

Halifax children's regular saver 4.5% then sweep into their ISA at end of year.

Alwaysstressed999 · 07/08/2019 17:59

Tell your husband to take a week off work and take the kids a walk and to the park everyday and see how much everyone like that! They’ll get fed up of too much of the same! Especially if the weather isn’t great! He seems selfish! His kids are missing out because HE wants to retire at 50 🤔

yesteaandawineplease · 07/08/2019 18:13

it seems to me that your dh is quite selfish. he can't see things from anyone else's point of view. you or your kids.

ShippingNews · 07/08/2019 18:17

So he'll retire at 50 , and he'll still be ultra-tight with money because "we've got to live for x number of years on this fixed income". And meantime your kids will grow up with a miserly father and have a really dull childhood.

justasking111 · 07/08/2019 18:22

Friends were shocked recently we were talking about sports cars, OH said he perhaps fancied one again. Someone said to me well I expect you will have something to say about that. I said if he came home with a sports car it would not bother me, his money if he wants to enjoy it in that way why not. As we have seen on this thread life is for living. Cars are not my thing but when we met his pride and joy was an MG which he gave up when I got pregnant.

Gravitsap · 07/08/2019 18:23

Here is the story. Originally I am from Russia. My grandmother was an orphan when she was two month old. She was working all get life and living together with my grandfather they were always saving. Always working very hard and saving, saving, saving. They did not spend to treat themself, to go on holidays or to help their children. The system has collapsed together with the USSR and all their savings turned in to dust. That was a lot of money to lose in the autumn of their life. My grandfather died early. My granny picked herself up and started saving again. With her miserable pension! She would not buy herself nice clothes (would wear clean, but 100 times fixed stuff), would not buy anything tasty, would never throw away any left overs. Everything had to be useful. She is still alive at 201. It is very recently one of her daughters took her to live with her, as she was very independent till she turned 100. Her pension is not available and family spending their money for her living, my granny simply refuse any one access to her bank account!
So.. She is old. Very old. And still saving 😂The sad thing is she saw nothing in this life. Has not been anywhere. Did not treat herself. And she had a very long life..
Please, don't choose that kind of life for your family. And Tomorrow may never come

Zoejj77 · 07/08/2019 18:24

Can he live on £20 per week when he retires?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/08/2019 18:28

DH and I both retired in our mid-50s. We personally did without a lot to put money by but we didn't cheat our sons. We didn't throw money at them, but they had everything they needed and some of what they wanted.

There's nothing wrong with your DH wanting to retire at 50. As DH and I say "We worked all our lives for this!". We both enjoyed our jobs but retirement is fantastic!!!

You and DH need to sit down and have a serious discussion about income vs expenses and his savings goals. And then come to a compromise. And I agree with a PP above, if the money came from his parents IMO he gets a bigger say in how it's spent (or not spent).

CallmeAngelina · 07/08/2019 18:31

Of course, if you were so miserable living with such a tight-fisted and dull meanie, you could always file for divorce, and then take half the savings pot!
Or, get a job that's not term-time only and bill him for child-care throughout the holidays.
Make him see that it's not only his decision to live like this.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/08/2019 18:32

I was about to come on here and say that you both need to compromise. You more hours or bring more money in, your dh is selfish for making you and your dc go without so he can retire early. However after reading your post about your dc and uni i think your dh is way out of order. A university degree doesn’t give you jobs or money, it gives you ‘options’ and that is worth its weight in gold! I can’t believe a parent would rather deny their dc that chance so they can retire early - what a complete shit bag!

Gravitsap · 07/08/2019 18:38

She's is still alive at 101, it was. Lol, god help her if she get to 201🤣🤣🤣