To think that men shouldn't come into breastfeeding rooms

[Lycidas]

I occasionally use the John Lewis feeding room (mainly for the delightful motion of the rocking chair), and I've noticed that men tend to enter quite often in order to chat to their partners, even when there are other women feeding in there. There are three chairs in total. The feeding area is separated from the wider changing room by a curtain, which suggests that there should be some degree of privacy for self-conscious women.

Fair enough, the men who tend to go in will make a conscious effort to just face their partners, but I still find it mildly uncomfortable to have them in there, and a distraction from the whole experience tbh, looking up, covering just 'in case', which I don't particularly want to be doing in a changing room. If I wanted to be faffing about with a muslin I may well just feed outside as normal.

AIBU?

I wish people would stop suggesting this is anything other than male entitlement.

I’ve mentioned this anecdote before on other breastfeeding threads but I volunteered at a breastfeeding cafe. We held daily sessions. ONE session a week was clearly billed as “women only”. EVERY week without fail we would have men come and try and access the space.

Yeahnahmum no it isn't, you've made that up.

DecomposingComposers

ONE person has spoken about it. I’m hazarding a guess as they’re genuine rather than “aw I need a chat when I feed cos bubz loves his daddy being there”.

You’d think out of the almost full thread several more people would have answered....we all know why not.

JacquesHammer
But is that male entitlement or is it actually female entitlement? Who wanted the men there - the women or the men?

I think the crux here is are men allowed to be in parent rooms? Yes of course they are, even if some women don't like it.

Are men allowed to be in segregated breast feeding rooms? No, even if some women want them to be there.

Who wanted the men there - the women or the men?

Very clearly from the interactions when we asked them to leave the men.

JacquesHammer

But why do they need to answer you? I've only seen a few posters saying they want dh with them - one has a disability and the other needs physical help. I'm assuming that both of those need the same help day and night so their answer woukd be yes, dh helos at night. That won't change your opinion on their dh being in the space though will it, so what's the point in them answering you?

Anither poster likes chatting to her dh and someone has said her dh gets up at night.

So, again what is the point of your question? If 100 mums come on say dh gets up to chat whike they feed at night will you suddenly decide it's ok for men to be in the breast feeding room? Of course you won't so why do they need to respond to your question? You clearly think it's unreasonable so what's the point in them answering you?

In John Lewis Oxford Street there was a large communal area with changing stations and chairs. 2 small curtained off rooms.

I chose a small curtained room as (1) DS would start getting distracted if anything going on around us. (2) he had latching problems and I couldn’t feed him discretely. (3) I was uncomfortable with my boobs out in public.

Couple marched in leaving curtain open. Talking loudly. DS came off and I found myself topless with a man staring at my boobs and in plain sight of everyone else.

I explained to the man that I came in there to be private and asked him if he would mind waiting outside. He refused, so I left with a screaming baby and went to feed in the loos.

I felt utterly humiliated and violated.

I've only seen a few posters saying they want dh with them - one has a disability and the other needs physical help. I'm assuming that both of those need the same help day and night so their answer woukd be yes, dh helos at night. That won't change your opinion on their dh being in the space though will it, so what's the point in them answering you?

Why would they need to? I specifically didn’t question them.

Do you understand what a question is for? It’s to gain knowledge.

alexandpea that’s awful. To be honest if I walked into a feeding room on my own and there was someone there I would probably leave to give them privacy, let alone if I were a man and someone actually asked me to.

The John Lewis in Birmingham which is my nearest doesn’t have any such cordoned off spaces in its baby room, although one sofa I suppose is round a corner, it’s not very private as can be seen from the changing mats (I think). Disappointing really as it’s a new store.

Well who is it that you want to answer your question then?

There haven't been that many posters on here saying that they want dh to sit and chat to tgem whilst feeding. One has said that dh gets up at night too so how many others are you waiting on to answer then?

As an aside, I’m popping into the local city later.

Going to visit one place I know used to have dedicated breastfeeding spaces and see whether it is still labelled as such. Will also pop into John Lewis and see what’s the state of play there - it’s a fairly new store so will be interesting.

Well who is it that you want to answer your question then?

There haven't been that many posters on here saying that they want dh to sit and chat to tgem whilst feeding.

As per your usual, less than effective posting style, you’ve answered yourself....

@Mummyoflittledragon you have completely mis read everything I have put down. Not going to bother arguing with you. My husband can be there with me as much as there are other women's husbands /partners there. Have a pleasant day

My husband can be there with me as much as there are other women's husbands /partners there.

Which there aren't, or shouldn't be, in the one tiny curtained-off space in the whole shop which is reserved for women who want to breastfeed in privacy.

If you want to have your husband there while you're feeding, come feed in the cafe with the rest of us. Or ANYWHERE ELSE.

Those who are all for their dhs keeping them company, what would you do if another mother came into the curtained-off area and there were two chairs? Would your dh get up? Or would it be - literally- tough titties. You two were there first and you need the support .

No one has missed what you said @Pippinsqueak. It’s very clear that in your mind you and your baby liking him being there (although the baby “wanting him there” as justification did give me a laugh) is all that matters to the expense of other women’s safety, privacy and comfort. So selfish, and really quite pathetic.

Yeahnahmum no it isn't, you've made that up.

I just looked online at the facilities for the JL in the Trafford centre, they do indeed list a 'parents' room'.

However, googling a bit more suggests that within this there may be separate BF and FF areas (not clear if this applies in all stores). This seems ideal, so long as only breastfeeders use the former. The needs of dads who want to bottle feed a baby in peace are catered for. There doesn't have to be any conflict.

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breastanddbottlefeeding/1082014-Why-does-John-Lewis-have-a-Bottle-Feeding-area

My husband can be there < stamps toddler foot >

What IS IT about men and women's spaces?

Of course the space should be women only.

I think you could move the breastfeeding space to a tiny dark leaking windowless cupboard in the basement level, with no lightbulb and a strong smell of petrol, and there would STILL be men demanding that they should use it too "because you wanted equality, you can't have it both ways!" and women demanding that their lovely bloke should come in whenever he chooses because he can't be expected to cope in John Lewis on his own.

If it is a feeding space, men can be there. End of. Just as we have the right to feed our children wherever we are, without having to worry that the sight of a baby feeding will turn someone into a slavering sexual predator, or being banned or asked to feed in the toilets. Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world, it is nothing to be embarrassed about. Anyway, once the baby is latched nothing can be seen anyway.

If it is a feeding space, men can be there. End of. No, not 'end of' you do not get to decide that. It is a feeding space with a curtained off area which anyone but the most knuckle dragging buffon would realise was intended to give breastfeeding mothers privacy. And yet for some men it seems very important they get to sit with the breastfeeding mums - why is that I wonder?

“Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world, it is nothing to be embarrassed about. Anyway, once the baby is latched nothing can be seen anyway.”

So what about women who for religious or cultural reason, or simply because they want privacy do not want to feed in front of a man?

Couple marched in leaving curtain open. Talking loudly. DS came off and I found myself topless with a man staring at my boobs and in plain sight of everyone else.I explained to the man that I came in there to be private and asked him if he would mind waiting outside. He refused, so I left with a screaming baby and went to feed in the loos. I felt utterly humiliated and violated.

AlexandPea I'm so sorry that happened to you but your experience demonstrates perfectly what the majority of us women are saying, that male entitlement trumps a woman's right to breastfeed in safety and privacy in what should be a woman only space.

Does anyone have that meme that says something like 'BEHOLD!! A Man has spoken?" I can't locate it.