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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that men shouldn't come into breastfeeding rooms

999 replies

Lycidas · 05/08/2019 23:15

I occasionally use the John Lewis feeding room (mainly for the delightful motion of the rocking chair), and I've noticed that men tend to enter quite often in order to chat to their partners, even when there are other women feeding in there. There are three chairs in total. The feeding area is separated from the wider changing room by a curtain, which suggests that there should be some degree of privacy for self-conscious women.

Fair enough, the men who tend to go in will make a conscious effort to just face their partners, but I still find it mildly uncomfortable to have them in there, and a distraction from the whole experience tbh, looking up, covering just 'in case', which I don't particularly want to be doing in a changing room. If I wanted to be faffing about with a muslin I may well just feed outside as normal.

AIBU?

OP posts:
placemats · 06/08/2019 20:10

Ritz Crackers.

Let's all Tuc in shall we?

I breastfed for 16 months with my gorgeous last baby. Doesn't mean I should get a gold medal or anything and certainly doesn't give me the right to impose my views on others. My gorgeous child is autistic and was diagnosed from 18 months. And the Ritz should have given you an area where you could sit in comfort. Oh wait! The toilets in the Ritz are comfortable!

AlexaAmbidextra · 06/08/2019 20:21

Surely one of the benefits (or negatives) of breastfeeding is that only one partner has to get up in the middle of the night so one gets rest. Can't imagine why I would need to wake my dh to bf at 3am.

Vulpine. Agreed. But there are women on this thread who apparently need their DH/DP with them when they breastfeed for ‘support’. So presumably they require that ‘support’ for each and every breastfeeding occasion including throughout the night? I asked upthread exactly what form this ‘support’ took but nobody has yet offered an explanation. It’s beyond me tbh. Confused

53rdWay · 06/08/2019 20:24

as you are saying men should feed their newborns on a bench... why do you think women have a right to a special room?

Breastfeeding women who don't want to feed in front of others should have the right to use the available curtained-off feeding space in order to do that.

The rest of us, who are either bottle-feeding or breastfeeding but don't mind who sees, have the entire rest of the world to feed in.

Feeding areas like the ones the OP describes are a few chairs in a small space behind a curtain, within smelling distance of the nappy bin. You're really not missing out on much if you don't use one. But alas, some people just can't stand the thought that there could be any space, anywhere, for any reason, where men aren't free to come and go at will.

ColdCottage · 06/08/2019 20:28

Just come on to see so many posts and my all seem to be withdrawn when in fact it kept telling me it couldn't post and did I want to retry. Odd.

MRex · 06/08/2019 20:29

Can people please really not feed in toilet cubicles? Other people need to wee and it's tough to wait when the baby is asking to be fed etc! Plus it's really not nice for the baby to have the smells.

At some point you want your DC to see you stand up for yourself, so be assertive; go into the curtained area and say to any man in there "I'm really sorry, but I need to breastfeed DC and I prefer privacy from men", tilt away from the entrance and ask them for privacy if they come in while you're feeding. Honestly it happens so rarely in the sectioned-off areas that there's actually a man in there, just ask nicely. I doubt anybody would actually say no in real life.

DecomposingComposers · 06/08/2019 20:44

And the Ritz should have given you an area where you could sit in comfort

Maybe they would have if I'd asked - I didnt even think to. Just went and sat somewhere quiet and boring so that you would feed without looking in a million different directikns at once. And no, the toilet cubicles in the Ritz are like toilets everywhere else.

justasking111 · 06/08/2019 20:50

Well the Ritz loos look fine to me.

To think that men shouldn't come into breastfeeding rooms
NewarkShark · 06/08/2019 20:52

I asked upthread exactly what form this ‘support’ took but nobody has yet offered an explanation. It’s beyond me tbh

I have followed this thread but haven’t commented on this thread in terms of the breastfeeding room but on this specific point: I struggled to breastfeed, big time. I was lucky to have lots of support in a breastfeeding clinic and actually I was by the lactation consultant told that my mum or husband helping me was crucial (to relax because I was so scared of the pain when she matched, to sit up straight and not hunch when she latched - I was to told her the rugby ball
position). Yes for a few weeks my husband woke up to help me for one night feed and the other I bottle fed for as I was too scared of her biting on the open sores on my nipple which is what tended to happen when I got the latch wrong.

I never did this in a breastfeeding room so have no skin in that game, but I don’t agree that no one needs someone there to support to breastfeed especially in the early days.

53rdWay · 06/08/2019 20:56

Well the Ritz loos look fine to me.

Indeed! Bloody hell, why would you walk past that to lock yourself in a standard toilet cubicle?

DecomposingComposers · 06/08/2019 21:03

Indeed! Bloody hell, why would you walk past that to lock yourself in a standard toilet cubicle?
Because, as I've said, it was all too distracting for her. She was busy fussing around, watching everyone and everything and just wouldn't concentrate on feeding. Plus have you been there? The toilets are crazy busy. Those sofas are about 10 deep with groups of women taking photos of each other in the toilets at the Ritz! I couldn't get near them to sit on them. Tried sitting on the stairs but was in everyone's way so ended up in a cubicle as a) the only place to sit and b) somewhere boring enough that she gave in and fed.

53rdWay · 06/08/2019 21:07

Those sofas are about 10 deep with groups of women taking photos of each other in the toilets at the Ritz! I

Ha! Suddenly they seem a lot less appealing...

Krisskrosskiss · 06/08/2019 21:15

@53rdWay it's not that 'I cant stand the thought'..if it were up to me and I could wave a magic wand and thered be completely private space for women to breastfeed in if they wanted everywhere then I would...
It's just that I dont and there arent... and for all the reasons I said up thread it is unlikely there are going to be...
Even with the curtain you are still in a unisex space and run the slight risk of a man maybe seeing you... all I'm saying is that there is no way around that unless you use a cover or lock yourself in a toilet cubicle of some kind.
I'm not saying that that is what I personally demand... but that is how it is. And I cant see how or why that's actually going to change in the future for all the reasons I stated.

Pippinsqueak · 06/08/2019 21:19

@Mummyoflittledragon

Why shouldn't he be part of it?. Men are already excluded/ignored from a lot of things regarding babies and he doesn't HAVE to be there, I like him being there and so does baby.

Saying that if someone really felt strongly he would leave but honestly my husband is not going to be look at your tits.

53rdWay · 06/08/2019 21:25

Krisskrosskiss nobody has complained about the chance of catching a glimpse of a man elsewhere when someone pulls the curtain back, so it seems like it’s not really a problem for the women using these spaces. So not an issue, great, we can all move on.

TheNavigator · 06/08/2019 21:27

Saying that if someone really felt strongly he would leave but honestly my husband is not going to be look at your tits.

Didn't you read earlier about men having to be chased out of the M&S bra fitting room? Honestly, if your husband chooses to sit down among women who have chosen to go behind a curtain to breastfeed then I strongly suspect he does want to ogle other women's tits.

Krisskrosskiss · 06/08/2019 21:30

I would never personally take my husband into a breastfeeding room. My baby is 1 now and my second so I'm used to breastfeeding her now anyway... BUT I do remember how hard it was and how nervous I was with my first and I did need a lot of support. I never really used breastfeeding rooms with my first because I preferred to be totally outside whilst feeding... I preferred benches on the street lol...because I didnt like to be too physically close to anyone including other women. I can totally understand women wanting the support of their partners if they are first time mums with newborns though.... that is always discounted on mumsnet for some reason as though those women are pathetic etc.... I dont think it's wrong for new parents to both be really hands on and both want to be with the newborn all the time.

Krisskrosskiss · 06/08/2019 21:32

@53rdWay well great, I'm pleased to see you dont have a problem with that but there were plenty of people on this thread suggesting women had the right to total and complete privacy.. ie men should leave these unisex areas completely... so yes there were women upset about the possibility of a man being behind just a curtain

lily2403 · 06/08/2019 21:32

@footpainhell

I agree with you, our JL is like this. Big too. With changing facilities and two rooms with curtains for feeding...just close the curtain

EdtheBear · 06/08/2019 22:13

How do these women who need "support" cope when DP goes back to work after 2 weeks?

Ok I'll confess I was hardly out shopping in those first 2 weeks with either of my babies. But beyond that i learned to cope without 24/7 "support". Single mums, forces mums, other mums with DP who work away cope somehow. BTW major respect to anybody who copes alone for 7 nights with a newborn - the longest I could manage was 3.5 days and that was really hard going.

LatteLove · 06/08/2019 22:29

I like him being there and so does baby.

Lol at the baby expressing a liking for its dad being there while it feeds.

Why do your wants trump the rights of other women to feed without random men around? Because that’s all who your OH is to anyone except you

poopookeechoo · 06/08/2019 22:31

This thread is bizarre - How anyone can argue that a specific breastfeeding space i.e behind a curtain in a baby room should ever be argued is frankly disgusting.

Yay to the happy to get your breasts out anywhere brigade and DFOD to the those uncomfortable doing so are doing a disservice to BF mothers by making it something 'that means it should be hidden'.

Lets be clear here - some (thankfully a minority) of posters not only want men allowed in babying areas, which is absolutely reasonable - they want the men allowed to be in the private areas of baby areas where some women who are uncomfortable BF in front of men for whatever reason want that space to be women only.

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

LatteLove · 06/08/2019 22:32

For the women who want the “support” of their partners, why don’t YOU go and feed somewhere like Costa where your partner won’t be hanging around like a bad smell whilst other women are BFing and can “support” you til his heart’s content. Why is it those women who should stay home and feed in a toilet?

ErrolTheDragon · 06/08/2019 22:34

Saying that if someone really felt strongly he would leave

They might feel strongly, but not feel able to confront a man while in the middle of BFing. Hmm

You should at least very least have the courtesy to check with any other mothers already in that they're 100% ok with him coming in too.

eddiemairswife · 06/08/2019 22:35

What exactly is this support that some women need? I have breastfed 4 children and managed whether my husband was there or not.

teachandsleep · 06/08/2019 22:36

You cannot have it both ways! You say you want to freely breastfeed? Fine but then exclude men when you want?

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