To think that men shouldn't come into breastfeeding rooms

[Lycidas]

I occasionally use the John Lewis feeding room (mainly for the delightful motion of the rocking chair), and I've noticed that men tend to enter quite often in order to chat to their partners, even when there are other women feeding in there. There are three chairs in total. The feeding area is separated from the wider changing room by a curtain, which suggests that there should be some degree of privacy for self-conscious women.

Fair enough, the men who tend to go in will make a conscious effort to just face their partners, but I still find it mildly uncomfortable to have them in there, and a distraction from the whole experience tbh, looking up, covering just 'in case', which I don't particularly want to be doing in a changing room. If I wanted to be faffing about with a muslin I may well just feed outside as normal.

AIBU?

Why would the dh want to go into such a room? any decent man would be aware of the other women’s feelings if they have chosen to feed privately they do not want men there. If they weren’t bothered they wouldn’t use the room.

We were on our first holiday together years ago and went to a yoga class together at our hotel which happened to be all woman dh went and quietly asked the teacher if ok for him to attend. Then knew he was a keeper

no one judges a bottle feeding mother

Lol

To those saying people should normalise it and just feed in a cafe etc, not everyone finds it that easy. I had to have my entire boob out and lean at a funny angle was the only way I could feed, I would not want to do this in a cafe. I never fed whilst out and about as I just found it too difficult the easiest way for me was top totally off.

how can we as society normalise breastfeeding if we don't allow partners in the room..

Why do males need to enter a space where a uniquely female activity is being carried out to “normalise” it?

I think the other thing to remember is that a lot of the mothers and babies using the room to feed are likely to be fairly new to their feeding "career", and as such are not the seasoned pro of discrete one up/one down nipple popping out. They might take a few goes to adjust latch or just need a space to take a deep breath and overcome the societal norms of "don't get your boobs out in public".

If the mother that is using the room with her partner wants company she should use an alternative space- a cafe, a bench somewhere. It's just basic consideration and decency to the feelings of the second mother.

These bullshit "what about the menz" arguments are absolutely crackers. I would also hazard a guess that the rooms initial function was as a breastfeeding room but they don't want to get into a "breast is best" style Twitter justice warrior shit storm so they've opened it up to all types of feeding in order to avoid PR nightmare bollocks.

For the record my husband stood outside of his own accord. Because he's a decent human being with the ability to empathise with others.

by denying men in the room we are enforcing this belief
I know this isn't how the poster meant it, but those words "denying men" really sum up the problem don't they - how dare we deny men the right to access any space of their choosing!

Out of interest would anyone mind if a man was in there with his wife as the area was empty and if someone else came along and wanted to use it got up and left?

If the mother that is using the room with her partner wants company she should use an alternative space- a cafe, a bench somewhere. It's just basic consideration and decency to the feelings of the second mother

What if the first mother doesn’t want to do it in public? Why does the second mother have that right but not the first?

Its sunny so in a room with 3 chairs you take 1 to bf, your sister is on one, and your partner in the other.

This is to 'normalise' bf.

Any women who can't or won't bf in public need to find somewhere else, or go home (presumably) while her baby waits to be fed (cries).

You feel that this is totally reasonable.

Oh and the only reason you use them is because it's quiet, which presumably it is also on the other side of the curtsin / round the corner (I've never seen a bf area with a full door, I mean there arent that many about). But you chose you take that space up anyway.

You see. That's just really selfish behaviour that you're trying to wrap up as doing women a favour by, what, forcing them to bf in the open and get over their hang ups or something, you want it normalised? They won't. They'll go to the bog or they'll go home. You have achieved nothing except max comfort for you, your sister and your husband, at the expense of women who may be struggling quite badly.

If other women are prepared to treat women like this then we've got no hope of getting a better society really have we.

'If the mother that is using the room with her partner wants company she should use an alternative space- a cafe, a bench somewhere. It's just basic consideration and decency to the feelings of the second mother

What if the first mother doesn’t want to do it in public? Why does the second mother have that right but not the first?'

Are you quite serious?

The first women doesn't need her dh there, she wants the company. She can bf in the BF room on her own. Then both women get to bf in privacy. If her dh goes in then woman 2 has very limited alternatives, and any other women who come along as well.

I'm boggled by this thread tbh.

^ If the mother that is using the room with her partner wants company she should use an alternative space- a cafe, a bench somewhere. It's just basic consideration and decency to the feelings of the second mother

What if the first mother doesn’t want to do it in public? Why does the second mother have that right but not the first?^

She has exactly the same right to privacy, but not to male company at the same time as it destroys the second woman's right to privacy. Is that really so hard to grasp?

It is not hard to grasp, just some people don't give a crap about anyone else

Apparently so.

These were the couples who took up seats for the men at the ante natal unit, and left heavily pregnant women to stand.

There were quite a lot of them, makes sense there will be some on mn!

“I know this isn't how the poster meant it, but those words "denying men" really sum up the problem don't they ”

I think gt is exactly what the poster meant. Men’s wants always come before women’s needs.

We were on our first holiday together years ago and went to a yoga class together at our hotel which happened to be all woman dh went and quietly asked the teacher if ok for him to attend. Then knew he was a keeper

See, why is that ok? We belong to a gym that run yoga and pilates classes. Open to all and included in our membership. For a long time my dh was the only man there and you could tell tgat some women didn't like it but surely that's too bad? It was never a women only class and he is paying just as they are. If they want a female only class then tbey need to join a gym that offers it.

We were on our first holiday together years ago and went to a yoga class together at our hotel which happened to be all woman dh went and quietly asked the teacher if ok for him to attend. Then knew he was a keeper

Did he quietly ask every women there if it was OK to attend? Does he now plonk himself down in curtained off areas so he can ogle other women's tits? Yeah, he sounds great.

I’ve explained above that I needed someone there, and why. As it happens I had to stop breastfeeding as I couldn’t get it right on my own once my partner went back to work. You might think that’s pathetic, and you can make me feel even worse about it than I already do if you want to. But it was with the advice of the lactation consultant and she said it wasn’t all that uncommon.

So thanks jennymanara for saying that I don’t give a crap about anyone else, but I am speaking from my own experience. You want to talk on this thread about how women should be respectful of other women trying to breastfeed, but no one seems to care that some of us need the support of someone with us in the early days.

I never went into a breastfeeding room, in fact I didn’t really leave the house. I totally understand why female spaces need to be private, and feel uncomfortable by males being there. But I’m upset by the people on this thread who are basically suggesting people like me who needed physical support are either lying or totally incompetent, or “can just go and use a park bench”.

@DecomposingComposers why would any women mind unless your DH was an issue?
Because every time I have seen women in real life complaining that their DH was made to feel unwelcome or unwanted at a group that was all women but not women only, it was because the DH was an issue. It was personal and about him.

“dh went and quietly asked the teacher if ok for him to attend. Then knew he was a keepe”
Did he ask all the other women in the room?

I think the difficulty is that when a room is just labeled feeding or not labeled at all but just tagged on to the baby changing, some people will think everyone is allowed. In the circumstances OP describes, just 3 seats behind a curtain, you would really expect that everyone would realise that theses should be left (and were likely intended) for use by breastfeeding mums.

Sadly lots of people have no empathy and just don’t think. They prefer their husband, friend, sister to be their with them to chat or pass them muslins than leave them outside and give no thought to those mums who would like to use the space for privacy. I am sure some women would prefer individual spaces and wouldn’t like to feed in front of anyone. We are all different. Shops really can’t win. They are criticised if they are not inclusive. They won’t want to call it the breastfeeding room as this would exclude mums with bottle fed babies who choose to use the space rather than take up space in a cafe or have a destracted baby or one with reflux. I would have no problem with a couple being in their if mum was disabled and genuinely needed help. If someone was unhappy about a man bring their they would have to go elsewhere on that occasion, the same as they would if all the seats were taken. I don’t think a womans right to privacy trumps the other womans right to privacy with help if you see what I mean. It is just first come first served. However if the only men there were when there was a real need this wouldn’t come up all that often.

I know some feeding areas (shopping centres for example) have sofas, bottle warming, and toys for older kids. These areas offer a space but not the privacy some would like. In a way, these are offering a different service but ideally there would be a few individual curtained off spaces too to cater to everyone.

Shops/businesses offer different things. Some offer nothing while others offer large areas to meet needs of a variety of customers, some offer smaller public areas or individual cubicles. They are not obliged to offer anything and space is often an issue. It is realiy for mums to suss out the facilities on offer (perhaps while pregnant) and plan accordingly. If you think a business falls short, let them know. Only then will changes be made. This might be curtains, signage or whatever. While it should be blazingly obvious that some mums would like more privacy i.e. no unnecessary men(anyone) present, maybe a sign or two pointing this out wouldn’t go amiss. To those mums encouraging partners to sit and chat, please spare a thought for those mums who don’t want to feed in front of them. Just because you are ok with it, doesn't mean everyone is! At least be quick to say, ‘DH can you wait outside now’ if he was sat there because no one else was there and another mum shows up. If we all showed a bit more empathy, the world would be much nicer.

It wasn’t a woman only yoga class! It was on a hilltop in India! Open to all guests . I thought it was thoughtful that it even occurred to him it might be an issue. But no this mumsnet and he is a man so yes, an utter bastard . I used the anecdote to demonstrate that most reasonable people show some awareness as to how their presence affects others.

I don't log on for hours and come back to even more depressing posters still not able to grasp that their little family is not the centre of the universe.

When did lateral thinking became optional on the planet.

Why do these men need to be there to chat though?

Can't they bugger off and have a fag or a coffee or go look at golf clubs for ten minutes?

'If the mother that is using the room with her partner wants company she should use an alternative space- a cafe, a bench somewhere. It's just basic consideration and decency to the feelings of the second mother

What if the first mother doesn’t want to do it in public? Why does the second mother have that right but not the first?'

Because, Fraggling, by having her partner there, the first mother is making the room "public" for the second mother.

The lack of critical thinking on this thread is astounding.