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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that men shouldn't come into breastfeeding rooms

999 replies

Lycidas · 05/08/2019 23:15

I occasionally use the John Lewis feeding room (mainly for the delightful motion of the rocking chair), and I've noticed that men tend to enter quite often in order to chat to their partners, even when there are other women feeding in there. There are three chairs in total. The feeding area is separated from the wider changing room by a curtain, which suggests that there should be some degree of privacy for self-conscious women.

Fair enough, the men who tend to go in will make a conscious effort to just face their partners, but I still find it mildly uncomfortable to have them in there, and a distraction from the whole experience tbh, looking up, covering just 'in case', which I don't particularly want to be doing in a changing room. If I wanted to be faffing about with a muslin I may well just feed outside as normal.

AIBU?

OP posts:
AngelasAshes · 05/08/2019 23:51

I never worried about covering up when bf in public. It’s not sexual in the slightest. Besides my later diagnosed with ASD baby could not stand anything touching/covering her head.

EyeDrops · 05/08/2019 23:53

I think it depends on the situation. For me, I used feeding rooms in the early days whilst everything was a struggle - positioning, leaking, needing muslins - because I wasnt confident to deal with all that yet in public. In that situation, I'd also appreciate my DH's support if he was there. I'd find his presence helpful, not just a needy emotional crutch.

It also depends on why you want privacy. If it's because you fear judgy/negative comments, I'd assume any men accompanying their partner to breastfeed did not have an issue with it, and was therefore 'safe' to feed in front of - so I wouldn't mind them being there any more than the other breastfeeding parents.

TwistyTop · 05/08/2019 23:53

I feel more comfortable feeding in a private space. I have no issue with others breastfeeding as publicly as they wish to, but I just don't feel comfortable doing it myself.

For me it is more enough privacy to be in a designated feeding space. Everyone knows what's happening there and what to expect, so I don't feel vulnerable, even if dads enter the space, because they know they are entering a breastfeeding zone. But again that's just my personal feelings. If other breastfeeding women don't feel comfortable with it then I do think that needs to be considered. We can't just assume that everyone feels the same.

S1naidSucks · 05/08/2019 23:54

Why do so many women support men’s rights to encroach on another woman’s need or want for privacy? It’s not about whether or not breastfeeding should be normalised, it’s about women who DON’T want to breastfeed in public or in front of men, having a male free space in which to do that. If you don’t have a problem with feeding in public, then none of the other breastfeeding mothers are likely to object. Why can’t you respect their right to wanting privacy? Stop trying to guilt women into placing themselves in an uncomfortable situation. They have a right to say no.

AngelasAshes · 05/08/2019 23:57

Why do women constantly complain about taking on the brunt of childcare and then deliberately shut men out from doing their bit? Why should a feeding room be for women only? Women are not the only parents who need a quiet place to feed an infant.

1stmonkey · 05/08/2019 23:58

it’s about women who DON’T want to breastfeed in public or in front of men, having a male free space in which to do that.

But they do have that. In their own homes. These rooms are a public service. They aren't gendered because they are focused on the needs of the baby. Maybe the solution is a female/male feeding space?

Owlypants · 06/08/2019 00:05

The rooms in John Lewis like in many other places are parent rooms where you can go to feed/change your baby. They are not women only spaces.

BizzzzyBee · 06/08/2019 00:07

My main concern about feeding areas that are in the same room as nappy changing facilities is that they invariably stink of shit. I wouldn’t want to eat my dinner in the same room as a bin full of human faeces, even if there was a dividing curtain!

I much prefer places that have separate feeding rooms and changing facilities. It solves the problem of the smell and also addresses concerns about men being present, because each woman goes into a separate cubicle with a door and can have a man in there without bothering any other women. I wouldn’t feel comfortable using a communal feeding room with a strange man present - I’d have to cover up, in which case I might as well just feed in a cafe.

MKmummy123 · 06/08/2019 00:07

I’m actually fairly sure that my local John Lewis has a bottle feeding room and also a breast feeding room. Therefore any dads who want a quiet space to feed their baby can do so without compromising the privacy of any women who want to breastfeed in a more private area.

53rdWay · 06/08/2019 00:08

I don’t use curtained-off feeding areas, but it seems pretty obvious to me that women who do are unlikely to be comfortable bf-ing in front of men they don’t know. Hardly fair to say “well I don’t want to feed in front of strangers, so I’ll go in the feeding room rather than just feed in the cafe, but I’ll bring my partner in for a chat and never mind what the others in here might want.”

Wormentrude · 06/08/2019 00:09

Our JL has a Parents' Room, with no separation of the space at all. I don't feed any differently in there from how I would outside because, regardless of the sex of the people around me, I don't show enough boob to be uncomfortable.

It would be a shame to exclude men from that space, to me, when they also could need it to feed a baby (eg. when they're at that very distractible age where everything seems to take their attention from feeding) - especially in our JL, where excluding men from that space would mean that there was nowhere for them to even change their babies' nappies in-store.

Ultimately, I'm not sure that there's a reasonable expectation of privacy when BF in a public space. Not being molested or harassed: yes. But not having any men in the vicinity at all, unless you're in a specifically-designated female-only space: no.

Indicative · 06/08/2019 00:12

I agree they are parents rooms not women's spaces. It is a place to feed in comfort rather than in private.

BizzzzyBee · 06/08/2019 00:14

it’s about women who DON’T want to breastfeed in public or in front of men, having a male free space in which to do that
But they do have that. In their own homes
So you’re saying that any woman who doesn’t want to expose her breasts in front of men should stay at home for the duration of her breastfeeding?

They aren't gendered because they are focused on the needs of the baby
The baby’s need to be breastfed can only be met by one sex though. Breastfeeding is inherently gendered.

deleteandrewind · 06/08/2019 00:18

I'm pretty sure my local JL has a breast feeding room. I think this is for mums who want to feed in private and not in the cafe next door.

Yes, it should be a female only space and not for dads.

A general feeding room is different as bottle feeding can be done by anyone and needn't involve exposing breasts that some women are uncomfortable with doing in full public view.

ErrolTheDragon · 06/08/2019 00:18

It is a place to feed in comfort rather than in private.

I'd have said that the place to feed in comfort was any coffee shop, and that priority for these rooms should be for those who want privacy.

OccasionalKite · 06/08/2019 00:18

Very well said, S1naidSucks.

footpainhell and their type can bog off - "If you want Full privacy I say stay at home!"

So that is official - if you are breastfeeding a baby and wish to do so in a designated breastfeeding space with no strange men present - then you must give up on that idea and stay at home for the duration.

Bollocks to that!

S1naidSucks · 06/08/2019 00:21

But they do have that. In their own homes. These rooms are a public service. They aren't gendered because they are focused on the needs of the baby. Maybe the solution is a female/male feeding space?

Wow. So either get over your personal discomfort at breastfeeding in front of a strange man or stay at home. Great support for mothers there! Women ignore your own personal boundaries and comfort because men can’t stay out of the only space where you might like a bit of privacy. 🙄

OccasionalKite · 06/08/2019 00:22

I mean, after three months or so with my first baby, I was happily breastfeeding on park benches, when the weather was nice. But I do remember the first month or two, when the breastfeeding room in the local Mothercare was such a relief.

Fuma · 06/08/2019 00:24

Well, men can't breastfeed, so ...🤷

deleteandrewind · 06/08/2019 00:25

Personally I was happy to breast feed anywhere but clearly some women want privacy and a female only space which is perfectly reasonable and should be respected.

Isatis · 06/08/2019 00:25

I'm not comfortable with the provision of a separate space at all if the implication is that breastfeeding mothers should be hiding away.

However, given that you describe this as a "feeding room" there is no reason whatsoever why men should not be in there in order to feed or help to feed their children.

BoronationStreet · 06/08/2019 00:27

Eh? Do you never bf in public OP? Why does it matter who's in there, as long as they're not staring at you in an inappropriate manner.

BoronationStreet · 06/08/2019 00:27

Eh? Do you never bf in public OP? Why does it matter who's in there, as long as they're not staring at you in an inappropriate manner.

Fuma · 06/08/2019 00:29

... apart from the fact that they don't have breasts

Fuma · 06/08/2019 00:30

This thread is depressing. Even breastfeeding can be a men's rights issue it seems.