Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think that men shouldn't come into breastfeeding rooms

999 replies

Lycidas · 05/08/2019 23:15

I occasionally use the John Lewis feeding room (mainly for the delightful motion of the rocking chair), and I've noticed that men tend to enter quite often in order to chat to their partners, even when there are other women feeding in there. There are three chairs in total. The feeding area is separated from the wider changing room by a curtain, which suggests that there should be some degree of privacy for self-conscious women.

Fair enough, the men who tend to go in will make a conscious effort to just face their partners, but I still find it mildly uncomfortable to have them in there, and a distraction from the whole experience tbh, looking up, covering just 'in case', which I don't particularly want to be doing in a changing room. If I wanted to be faffing about with a muslin I may well just feed outside as normal.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Fozzleyplum · 07/08/2019 10:00

Apologies, it wasn't Fraggling, it was a pp....

Quaffy · 07/08/2019 10:46

It was me and I have explained why I and others might need someone there, which you haven’t addressed - you’ve just accused me of a lack of critical thinking.

I also said I never used a bf room and understand the need for people to have a space away from males but dislike the dismissive attitude to those who need some physical support. Perhaps read and respond to what I said before being snarky.

Fozzleyplum · 07/08/2019 10:54

As I said a few pages back, sometimes "rights" and needs clash; bith cannot be catered for and one has to trump the other. An obviously curtained off (and small) breastfeeding space is clearly intended for those who require privacy. The very small category of people who genuinely cannot breastfeed without an assistant should not be allowed to hijack that.

Quaffy · 07/08/2019 10:57

I haven’t said it should “hijack” that. I have never said men should be allowed in. I have said I understand that women need privacy from men. I understand sometimes the greater good takes priority. But the go and find a park bench comment, and general attitude of some on this thread of what is wrong with people who need someone there to support them to breastfeed, is unpleasant.

Breastfeeding is hard for all of us, for lots of different reasons.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2019 11:06

@Pippinsqueak
Your dh is excluded from breastfeeding due to basic biology. He can be there for everything else, no need to feel excluded. Unless and until he takes drugs to lactate this will never change. You sound about 3 years old. Me me me. Just keep your husband out of the breastfeeding area. 99.9% of women don’t want him there. If you want him around, sit together and feed in a cafe or on a bench. As Fozzley said your husband’s presence in a breastfeeding room is making a private area a public one. I don’t give a shit whether or not he’s interested in my breasts. You’re completely missing the point. Confused

DecomposingComposers · 07/08/2019 11:06

why would any women mind unless your DH was an issue?

Nope. Their issue was simply that they didnt want any man in the class, despite the fact that it was a mixed sex class.

Did he ask all the other women in the room?

Why should a man need to ask permission to be in a mixed sex class? Do you go into a room and ask the men in there if they object to your presence if you have every right to be there?

If something is purposely single sex then that's one thing but if it is meant to be used by men and women then neither sex has the right to object to the opposite sex being there.

Celebelly · 07/08/2019 11:11

These threads always neatly demonstrate two kinds of people. Those that can empathise with others and even if they don't need the facilities themselves or would be fine with male partners there, can fully understand and respect why other women might not. And on the other side of the coin, those that don't give a crap about anyone else and are happy to make life uncomfortable for other women just so they can get what they want for 15 mins (or under the frankly absurd notion that it's what the baby wants. My baby wants to lick the cat - I try to discourage this).
The latter are the kind of people you dread getting stuck talking to at a party.

And I know exactly the type of man who would stroll into a place specifically for breastfeeding women and not even consider that it might be upsetting for some women or that it's not all about him/his partner and child. Have a look at threads on the relationship board for more information on these type of men

Celebelly · 07/08/2019 11:14

Also, how the hell is it anyone's job to 'normalise' breastfeeding by making other women uncomfortable and upset? Absolutely hilarious the lengths some people will go to try to disguise the fact they are just being selfish. At least be honest about it.

jennymanara · 07/08/2019 11:17

They don't mean the comments about normalising breastfeeding. If they did they would not use a breastfeeding room. It is just an excuse to say what you want does not matter.

I am too old to have another child. But if I was younger I would not even try and breastfeed this time. British society is not set up to support it, unless you are a - breastfeed anywhere mum.

JacquesHammer · 07/08/2019 11:17

Also, how the hell is it anyone's job to 'normalise' breastfeeding by making other women uncomfortable and upset?

I feel very sorry for anyone who has a baby with the type of chap who needs breastfeeding “normalised”.

Fozzleyplum · 07/08/2019 11:22

Quaffy, what you said was

What if the first mother doesn’t want to do it in public? Why does the second mother have that right but not the first?

The first mother using the space with her DH would be hijacking the privacy of the space.

There are mothers who want privacy. A curtained space is designed for them.

There are mothers who need help but not privacy. They should not use the space.

There is a much smaller category of mothers who need help and privacy. Their taking help into the space would automatically take away the privacy for others. Unfortunately, they need to find somewhere else that suits their needs.

DecomposingComposers · 07/08/2019 11:25

If companies are willing to provide a curtained off area for breast feeding then why not add a few extra curtains and make individual cubicles? Surely that meets the needs of everyone then - those who want privacy plus those who want privacy but company from a relative or those who need help from partners. All it requires is a few extra curtains.

JacquesHammer · 07/08/2019 11:28

Surely that meets the needs of everyone then - those who want privacy plus those who want privacy but company from a relative or those who need help from partners. All it requires is a few extra curtains

Cool. Hope the men who desperately need these spaces are going to crack on campaign for those.

jennymanara · 07/08/2019 11:30

Companies provided the curtaining off area because of campaigning from breastfeeding mothers. Individual cubicles take up more space. And these are commercial companies who are not going to provide everything any mother may ideally want.

Quaffy · 07/08/2019 11:34

fozzley

Yes - I said that in response to the suggestion people like me should go and find a park bench. I understand (and agree with) the argument that there is a competing need so people like me in the minority and need to miss out.

Saying people like me should “go and find a park bench” isn’t a nuanced balancing of competing rights, it’s dismissive and unkind. I don’t have a problem with you saying “unfortunately they need to find somewhere else”, that’s fair enough, but that’s not the tone of the post I responded to.

I did find somewhere else - as I said before, I barely left the house while I was breastfeeding.

DecomposingComposers · 07/08/2019 11:35

Hope the men who desperately need these spaces are going to crack on campaign for those

It's not the men that want them according to posters on here - it's the women who want or need them there for help or support.

And some companies do already provide individual spaces so it can't be that onerous. If they've already got a space with 3 chairs in it they just need to hang a curtain between each chair and one across the front. That's hardly a huge invrstment required is it?

TheNavigator · 07/08/2019 11:36

Companies provided the curtaining off area because of campaigning from breastfeeding mothers

Exactly, if some mums feel so strongly they need a private place to feed with their DH present, they can campaign for that - not take over women's spaces. Though I suspect some of these DHs will be less keen on supporting their breastfeeding partner when it doesn't come with a side order of other women's tits...

JacquesHammer · 07/08/2019 11:38

it's the women who want or need them there for help or support

Or indeed those that need “a chat”.

jennymanara · 07/08/2019 11:38

Except Navigator, somehow these entitled men stop seeing other women as sexual. As if!

JacquesHammer · 07/08/2019 11:39

Incidentally are we still waiting for confirmation from those who need emotional support or a chat get the same during the night?

jennymanara · 07/08/2019 11:40

Yes we are, except for one woman who said her DH provided support during the night in the first few weeks.

DecomposingComposers · 07/08/2019 11:42

Incidentally are we still waiting for confirmation from those who need emotional support or a chat get the same during the night?

I've seen at least one poster on this thread saying that dh does get up during night feeds. I've also seen it said on other threads too but really why does it matter to you if some women gave their husbands for support during feeding? Surely the only business it is of yours is if they want him to come into a separate breast feeding room? If they do it at home it has no impact on you does it, so why do they need to justify it to you?

JacquesHammer · 07/08/2019 11:47

but really why does it matter to you if some women gave their husbands for support during feeding? Surely the only business it is of yours is if they want him to come into a separate breast feeding room? If they do it at home it has no impact on you does it, so why do they need to justify it to you?

Because I’d be really interested to know whether those women who need “a chat” during feeding get the same during night feeds.

Of course they won’t answer because it’s blatantly obvious what the answer is.

Yeahnahmum · 07/08/2019 11:54

It IS called something
It is called a parents room
For p a r e n t s
Which both have rights to be in there...

DecomposingComposers · 07/08/2019 11:56

But at least one has answered on here and I have seen it discussed on ither threads that yes they do need tgeir husband to help at night. Again, why does it bother you? How about the women who want their mums or friends sitting chatting whikst they feed? Are you asking them if they have them to chat to at night?

Some women just clearly want a bit of support whikst they are establishing feeding. I can't see anything wrong with that other than if it conflucts with someone else's need for privacy. I don't see why you are demanding that they jystify themselves to you.