To think that men shouldn't come into breastfeeding rooms

[Lycidas]

I occasionally use the John Lewis feeding room (mainly for the delightful motion of the rocking chair), and I've noticed that men tend to enter quite often in order to chat to their partners, even when there are other women feeding in there. There are three chairs in total. The feeding area is separated from the wider changing room by a curtain, which suggests that there should be some degree of privacy for self-conscious women.

Fair enough, the men who tend to go in will make a conscious effort to just face their partners, but I still find it mildly uncomfortable to have them in there, and a distraction from the whole experience tbh, looking up, covering just 'in case', which I don't particularly want to be doing in a changing room. If I wanted to be faffing about with a muslin I may well just feed outside as normal.

AIBU?

Look OvO, it's a moot point as it seems men are allowed in these rooms so no need in getting upset. I think if there were rooms with a no men sign up, then you would just have to explain that you were disabled and need help.

The overwhelming majority of breast-feeding women don't need a man there to assist, so generally speaking it's not necessary for men to enter breast-feeding rooms.

Oh and I do agree with black cat, I don’t think we should be framing the whole conversation in terms of your very unusual circumstances.

No Pass, i'd love to make everyone happy. But apparently I can only do that by ignoring my own needs. Is that okay with you?
I go out my way to not inconvenience people due to my disability, and I really mean that. In fact i'm far too bloody apologetic when in public. But just occasionally (especially when my DC are involving) I will put myself first. But only if I really really have to. And a wailing, hungry baby is one of my 'really have to's'.

No no NO. Being disabled is not a very unusual circumstance. Dont make me feel like some bloody outsider here.

Of course its unusual, To the extent that you can’t breastfeed without someone being present the entire breastfeed to assist. Surely you realise most BF mothers will never encounter another mother needing that assistance in their BF career?

There is no answer really is there? You need your partner there, some women don’t want him there and won’t feed in front of him or will but will be annoyed. Not much else that can be done.

Oh well, I know plenty. But we often find public places difficult and unwelcoming so I dont doubt you havent seen many women in my situation. But I dont like the implication I should stop talking here and I'm making it all about me as my situation is so "unusual". I'm just giving my experience just like any other person on this thread.

I cant argue anymore. Night everyone.

The only ones I’ve ever seen are also where the baby change is so YABU. That designates them as facilities for parents, not just for nursing mothers.

I have the rage reading this post.

Yanbu at all op. I breastfed 6 children, each for at least 1 and half years, and breastfed wherever I felt like. The amount of times someone's 'd'h stared at me in hopes of catching a look at my boob whilst breastfeeding my baby was unreal, way too long and tedious to remember and list here.
NAMALT and all that, but PLENTY did.

Women deserve privacy to feed their babies when they want and need it. It shouldn't be a debate.

Full fucking stop.

OvO, if my memory serves me correctly, you were on a thread about a breastfeeding support class and felt that women who didn’t feel comfortable with men attending, had no right to complain because you needed your husband with you. Even though the poster explained that it was a group for women. Everyone should have equal respect and that includes women who aren’t comfortable with men seeing them breastfeeding. You also have the right to ask if your husband can come into the room to help you, but if the other woman objects, would you wait for her to finish or do your rights over rude hers?

Override *

YANBU

Ridiculous. Most countries don't even need these 'spaces' because it's not the oddity it is in the UK.

I can't even image a situation in the US where you'd need a special room. Pretty much EVERY single Mother breastfeeds and wherever she likes. The UK is so so weird about it all.

You're memory doesn't serve you correctly, Sucks. That wasnt me. Stop attempting to paint me as some awful woman demanding things all my own way. It's unkind. I go out my way to be kind to others when i'm out and about and I just wanted people on this thread to understand why sometimes there might be a man in the feeding area.

I'm not out in the world demanding anything or playing top trumps and saying my needs must come first. But I do have actual NEEDS and I cant ignore mine every time for other people.

I’ve found the US to be much much worse in terms of reactions to BF cat but I guess it depends what part you’re referring to. I only have experience of San Fran and NY

I can't even image a situation in the US where you'd need a special room. Pretty much EVERY single Mother breastfeeds and wherever she likes. The UK is so so weird about it all.

Sounds like you live somewhere fairly monocultural? Good for you, I guess?

As many disabled people know we get treated as an inconvenience in public so yes I am very apologetic and unassuming in the main when out and about. I'm actually trying to teach myself NOT to be so apologetic.

I'm trying to explain and hopefully get my point across to even just 1 person, so in no way trying or wanting to close down discussion.

John Lewis call it the 'Parents Room', not a breastfeeding room. If a man was out with his baby it would be reasonable for him to bottle feed them in there as there is nowhere else suitable in a shop really. Same for men whose partners are feeding, although obviously if random men were walking in that's weird.

@Passthecherrycoke I'm in Maine but a very liberal, homey area. I've no doubt other states are very different.

I don't know anyone here that didn't breastfeed until at least 2 years.

I felt very self conscious whenever I went back to the UK. Especially when ds was 4 and still nursing (my family and friends thought I'd lost my mind ).

Surely the important thing is to “normalise” the breast.

We should be proud to be breastfeeding and we should be proud of our breasts. Use the room by all means but don’t hide in the corner.

I had horrendous issues BFing every time. I also had huge, unruly breasts that meant that I couldn't sit unnoticeably, which for my cripplingly anxious post natal self wasn't a good mix! I even sat upstairs at home to feed away from everyone.
On the rare occasions I ran out of expressed milk when out, I still remember the red faced hot shame I felt at trying to find somewhere private, feeding rooms were a godsend but I would have felt uncomfortable with any partners hanging around. That's just my experience.

I found San Fran odd. You’d expect it to be v liberal but instead there were extremes with no visible in between- crusty hippies wapping both boobs out and death staring anyone who dared catch their eye or puritans locking you in a cubicle to feed (this actually happens to my BF when she visits her family, a perfectly normal seeming, no religious liberal SF family)

Oh and tonnes of pumping

I had horrendous issues BFing every time. I also had huge, unruly breasts that meant that I couldn't sit unnoticeably, which for my cripplingly anxious post natal self wasn't a good mix! I even sat upstairs at home to feed away from everyone.
On the rare occasions I ran out of expressed milk when out, I still remember the red faced hot shame I felt at trying to find somewhere private, feeding rooms were a godsend but I would have felt uncomfortable with any partners hanging around. That's just my experience.

I also remember the conversations that would strike up, between mothers breastfeeding their babies. Some very helpful advice exchanged, sometimes. That would not have happened in the presence of men, however nice!

Not everyone is up for this. The advantages of a man being present is that other mums don’t tend to rabbit on about such things. If you are interested in these topics then join a breastfeeding group, parenting group etc. Don’t potentially bore other women to death with your stories about your labour and birth (good god, every woman seemed to do this when I was in a feeding room without DH), your breastfeeding success/problems, your babies development advanced/behind or your problems with your PIL since having baby. As hard to believe but not everyone is interested in these things just because they also have a baby stuck on the end of their boob.

The advantages of a man being present is that other mums don’t tend to rabbit on about such things.

Perhaps if you try to assume this person might be lonely and getting some benefit from talking to someone, it mightn't seem such an imposition, though you might be bored.