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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to suspect DH of cheating?

336 replies

girlsgonetame · 05/08/2019 18:01

NC'd for this for obvious reasons.

I think my husband is cheating on me but I have absolutely no evidence to back this up. Not sure if I am just going mad! Need you ladies (and gents) to give me some clear headed perspective.

Recently (don't know when but within last year or so) a stunningly gorgeous (very young, 20's) lady has started working at the same company as my DH (51!) I've just got a nasty, niggling feeling.

DH has form for being flirty so not difficult to imagine this new girl has caught his eye.

His behaviour has changed. I can't put my finger on it or even explain it but it has. He was always secretive with his phone but a few months ago he got a new one and has put on a password that I don't know. Before that I did have a snoop through and saw that he had made WhatsApp calls to this girl from work. I knew it was her because of her picture but she was saved in his phone as "Steve Work". No texts, I assume deleted! Not many calls, about 3 over the space of several months. Could be work related.

He also won't tell me anything about this girl, don't even know her name (pretty sure it's not Steve!). Tried casually asking questions but he shrugs me off, says he doesn't know, changes the subject?!

I do sound crazy! Tell me I am not crazy. Or that I am crazy! What do you think, wise mumsnetters?!

OP posts:
Original poster
girlsgonetame · 06/08/2019 18:21

@Allli "Could be he’s having a mid life crises, just trying to look sharp and chat up the ladies to prove he’s “still got it”. He may well be making an ass of himself, or she could be shagging the boss, or neither, who knows."

This is kind of what I'm hoping. He's got a definite eye for the ladies and loves a pretty face. There's not really any doubt in my mind that he will have noticed her. He's definitely going to want to go out of his way to chat to her and show off. Hope he is making a tit of himself and she's not interested.

OP posts:
Motoko · 06/08/2019 19:00

Young women with much older men, is as old as time! I can't believe that people are so naive about it. It's not just rock stars or Hollywood giants (Rod Stewart and Michael Douglas come to mind) plenty of senior men in the workplace take advantage of their positions too.

One of my friends, when in her 20s, had a long running affair of several years, with her 50something boss. He wasn't even anything to look at, so they don't even need to be good looking.

And I bet, if you posted a poll in Relationships, asking how many posters had husbands that left them for a younger model, there'd be tons of replies.

OP, don't ask him. He will just become more secretive and you'll have no chance of getting any evidence.

I'm not sure the "pretending Steve rang", will work either, because he won't have a missed call, or log of the phone call. But naming the OW with a male name on the phone, does seem to be quite a regular tactic cheating men use, going by threads on here.

However, if you believe he's cheating, then you don't trust him, and every relationship needs trust, so it looks like your marriage is over anyway.

crispysausagerolls · 06/08/2019 20:01

Just bloody ask “why have you saved a woman’s name in your phone as “Steve”!!!!

I can tell you that I did that once when I was a horrible teenager cheating on my boyfriend.

Osirus · 07/08/2019 00:16

When I was 21 I used to fancy someone at work who was in his early 50s. He was only very average looking so it wasn’t that. There was just something about him. It is perfectly possible to fancy someone much older than yourself.

He’s retired now and we still speak. No feelings there now! Grin

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 07/08/2019 07:58

We talked last night. I told him I knew she had been saved in his phone as Steve and asked him what was going on and if he said nothing I wanted reassurance.

He said she was saved as Steve to save questions/arguments from me if her name popped up. I asked him to show me his phone. No texts but some calls. I asked him to explain and he said they just didn't text which I don't believe. If they call each other they must text. At least once! I don't think he thought to check/delete WhatsApp call history.

Battery usage is only normal stuff like WhatsApp etc. Nothing suspicious. He spends a lot of time on WhatsApp.

I asked if she is going on the weekend and he said he doesn't think so, promised he's telling the truth.

He said they do chat in work and get along but nothing is going on.

I asked him to put on sharing his location with me and he has done.

WWYD now??

OP posts:
Benjispruce · 07/08/2019 08:38

Why would it save questions and arguments to save her as Steve? Has this happened before?
As to what you do now, only you know whether you believe and trust him. For my DH the name thing wouldn’t happen , he works with women and has their numbers but only talks to them if they ring to say they’re sick etc( he’s their boss) .

IamtheOA · 07/08/2019 08:44

Oh, ( smacks forehead)
Its YOUR fault he's been dishonest.

Of course!!!!!

( eye roll emoji)

IAskTooManyQuestions · 07/08/2019 08:46

I dont even believe this thread.

msmith501 · 07/08/2019 08:49

My telephone bill (Tesco O2) lists every call and text hat I make (not the actual text obvs but the number, time and duration). At least it might help to test the truth of DH's statement that they don't text.

Walkerbean16 · 07/08/2019 08:49

My nearly 40 year old husband had an affair with an absolutely stunning 20 year old. It happens.

He had her saved in his phone as a different name.

He gave her money through his business bank using the guise of her being a contractor.

He did similar with his phone - becoming very secretive etc.

I'd be worried.

crispysausagerolls · 07/08/2019 12:31

He said she was saved as Steve to save questions/arguments from me if her name popped up. I asked him to show me his phone. No texts but some calls

This would be enough for me to reevaluate my relationship completely. Probably have him move out for a while. This is absolutely not normal behaviour in a loving and trusting relationship. Sneaking around behind your back to avoid questions? Secret phone calls with a woman? Really?!

AryaStarkWolf · 07/08/2019 12:33

Yeah agree with @crispysausagerolls affair or not, why would you want to be with someone who thinks of you in such a disrespectful way, also the "eye for the ladies" bit

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 07/08/2019 13:58

I really don't know where to go from here. Tempted to message her but that would be stupid. I just want to know the truth! I might go to the pub on Friday night when they're all out and see if she's there and what they're like together.

I've just looked and my phone can't find his location?!

OP posts:
Motoko · 07/08/2019 14:06

He's switched the location app off.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 07/08/2019 14:24

I phoned him and he said it was draining his battery

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 07/08/2019 14:35

Nope doesn't really drain the battery.
You are onto something here OP. Soemthing is dodgy....

DennisSkinnersMolotov · 07/08/2019 14:45

We have family location sharing (FIL is in his 70s and goes hiking on his own), I just checked and it's used 4% of my phone battery today...

Remoteisland · 07/08/2019 15:00

It really really doesn’t drain the battery. I’ve been here with this. Trust your instincts, OP Flowers

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 07/08/2019 15:32

I'm just going to follow him on Friday and see what happens.

OP posts:
GoGoGoGoGo · 07/08/2019 15:35

Him having her under ‘Steve’ is just bullshit and deflecting blame on to you. As is the battery excuse. The whole thing is dodgy as fuck.

If she’s just a colleague then there’s no need for all the lies and excuses.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/08/2019 15:50

Sorry I think it's rubbish what he's saying...

Can you get an (unknown to him) friend to go and hang out where they are.... If they atr having a fling presumably there'll be pics of them out obviously 'together'...

Im often in a pub solo waiting for my chap... The number of times 8 could have been a detective getting covert pics of errant husbands... Often it was that obvious.

Milkcup · 07/08/2019 15:58

I think deep down you know everything you need to know here. Seeing them in person won't help. Decide if you want to leave or stay and be treated like shit. Sorry this is happening to you x

Cheeseandwin5 · 07/08/2019 16:28

Are you that interested with all new employees at your DH work? As far as I can see you sound very controlling and slightly unhinged. You have got that he is cheating from the fact that the company has employed a new person. Your asking him questions checking on his phone, no wonder he doesn't want to share anything with you.
If you don't trust your DH then I suggest you have that conversation and find out the reasons why that is, but this sort of behaviour will destroy any relationship you are in

JaneyJimplin · 07/08/2019 16:33

Hmmm sounds fishy t me

TriciaH87 · 07/08/2019 16:50

Unless her name is stevie which is a girls name and he missed the I it sounds dodgy as hell.