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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to suspect DH of cheating?

336 replies

girlsgonetame · 05/08/2019 18:01

NC'd for this for obvious reasons.

I think my husband is cheating on me but I have absolutely no evidence to back this up. Not sure if I am just going mad! Need you ladies (and gents) to give me some clear headed perspective.

Recently (don't know when but within last year or so) a stunningly gorgeous (very young, 20's) lady has started working at the same company as my DH (51!) I've just got a nasty, niggling feeling.

DH has form for being flirty so not difficult to imagine this new girl has caught his eye.

His behaviour has changed. I can't put my finger on it or even explain it but it has. He was always secretive with his phone but a few months ago he got a new one and has put on a password that I don't know. Before that I did have a snoop through and saw that he had made WhatsApp calls to this girl from work. I knew it was her because of her picture but she was saved in his phone as "Steve Work". No texts, I assume deleted! Not many calls, about 3 over the space of several months. Could be work related.

He also won't tell me anything about this girl, don't even know her name (pretty sure it's not Steve!). Tried casually asking questions but he shrugs me off, says he doesn't know, changes the subject?!

I do sound crazy! Tell me I am not crazy. Or that I am crazy! What do you think, wise mumsnetters?!

OP posts:
sincethereis · 07/08/2019 17:02

He’s definitely cheating, sorry.

OhRuddyHell · 07/08/2019 18:08

Hope you're okay OP Flowers

Hotpinkangel19 · 07/08/2019 18:27

I really hope he's telling the truth 🌸

MsDogLady · 07/08/2019 18:31

He is lying. Your husband took steps to hide this woman and is deflecting the blame to you. Classic secrecy, deception and manipulation.

It sounds like he agreed to the location app to make you shut up and back off. His excuse for deactivating it is invalid. He certainly is taking you for a fool.

Check his phone bills for evidence of texting. Have you attempted to recover deleted WhatsApp messages? I assume that you now know the password to his phone.

They may be at the pub together on Friday or they may be lying low for now. If he sees you coming in, he’ll give her a wide berth.

Honestly, if this were my husband, I would show him the door for hiding the woman on his phone. I would not tolerate that deception and contempt.

crispysausagerolls · 07/08/2019 18:47

I don’t know why this is bothering me so much, but bothering me it is. I’m very upset on your behalf! He’s just so clearly up to no good - what the fucking fuck is this with the location services? I don’t think following him for one day will tell you anything, nor will going to a pub. I would seriously try sleuthing, heavily. Work email, archived WhatsApp chats, his camera roll, deleted photos, social media, personal email and all the deleted folders there. I would be tearing the house and everything else apart for evidence because it’s patently obvious that there is a smoking gun somewhere. Normal people do NOT change a woman’s name to a man’s on their phone. NO BODY fucking does that! I want to pummel your DH!

(Sorry - disclaimer; sleep deprived)

31RueCambon · 07/08/2019 18:57

Agreed. Id ask him if he wants to end up divorced?
He needs to know you dont fear divorce. Otherwise he is just going to keep doing whatever he wants! He has relegated you to her indoors.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/08/2019 19:21

You lot are batshit. If a bloke was snooping through a womans phone, snooping around her work colleagues social media, and then thinking of following her when she goes out he would quite rightly be described as controlling. Following people is stalking and if a womans partner was following her you would all be encouraging her to report it. I have loads of people male and female saved under random names on my phone as does my DP because its nicknames or bizarre work names we call them in jest. Strangely enough I have a Steve who for various reasons is called Edna as a nickname and that is what he is on my phone. I have nothing to hide but I would be mighty pissed off if my DP felt the need to read my whats ap messages. They are boring but they are mine not his and nothing to do with him.

31RueCambon · 07/08/2019 19:30

Are you serious? If your husband who quote notices a pretty face was texting a girl stored under a man's name, you would just shrug?

That is very passive. Most people want to know the state of their own marriage and they deserve to know that even if it's deliberately hidden.

Lockheart · 07/08/2019 19:39

@sweeneytoddsrazor is right. Whether he's cheated or not, if you've got to the stage of insisting on tracking his location on his phone, and considering following him when he goes out, this relationship is already dead in the water.

Dungeondragon15 · 07/08/2019 19:41

He might fancy her but it doesn't sound like you have any evidence of an affair. You seem to think the fact that she is gorgeous makes it more likely whereas I would say it is the other way around. I know younger women do have affairs with older men but if she is stunning as well as young she would have better options than a man twice her age however attractive you think he is unless he is a multimillionaire.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 07/08/2019 19:42

Yes she snooped and he made 3 calls over a few months. I wouldn't assume affair and I certainly wouldn't be following anyone. And if my partner was snooping and stalking me because somebody young and handsome had started work and he was niggled by it then frankly he would be out the door.

Stampy84 · 07/08/2019 19:53

You poor thing, I genuinely feel for you.
You say he has an eye for a pretty face, so OP that makes you a pretty woman too?
There’s nothing worse than feeling low in yourself and thinking your partner has had his head turned.. regardless of if an affair has formed or not, it’s awful for your self esteem.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/08/2019 20:02

So sorry OP. The name saved under Steve is a big red flag. His bullshit story about worrying you'll see the name ffs! That's awful, and the fact he's conveniently turned off your ability to track him AND the he's put a passcode in his phone.

You've showed your hand so he'll be extra careful now.

VivaLeBeaver · 07/08/2019 20:04

I think it sounds well dodgy. Saying that I do know a woman called Steve, short for Stevie but known as Steve.

VivaLeBeaver · 07/08/2019 20:10

Sorry, see you've found her name isn't Steve. His excuse about not wanting to have you ask questions if her name popped up on the phone sounds like the biggest load of bollocks going. He's spinning you a line.

VivaLeBeaver · 07/08/2019 20:11

Can you look at his google timeline to see where he's been in the last month?

Also you said about the lack of opportunity for shagging. If he's senior enough in the company that won't be an issue. I used to work in a big office set up and there was daytime shagging in offices and people meeting up for lunchtime hotel shagging.

Dungeondragon15 · 07/08/2019 20:14

That's awful, and the fact he's conveniently turned off your ability to track him AND the he's put a passcode in his phone.

It could just mean that he knows she likes snooping in his phone and doesn't like her tracking him. Who would?

henpartystress · 07/08/2019 20:17

When I was younger and I thought my boyfriend was cheating on me, I changed my name in his contacts to her name and switched her name to my name. It didn't work because he text me saying he loved me and it went to her then I had to explain myself but I like the idea!

crispysausagerolls · 07/08/2019 21:02

Some commenters on here have either never been cheated on or cheated themselves, and therefore do not understand the lengths that people go to to hide and deceive! Oh to be so naive!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 07/08/2019 22:23

It could just mean that he knows she likes snooping in his phone and doesn't like her tracking him. Who would?*

So it's perfectly acceptable to talk to another woman, hide it from your dw, change the name of the woman in his contact so it looks like he's talking to a male friend - but he's nothing to hide hmmmmm Hmm

Dungeondragon15 · 08/08/2019 00:00

*So it's perfectly acceptable to talk to another woman, hide it from your dw, change the name of the woman in his contact so it looks like he's talking to a male friend - but he's nothing to hide hmmmm

Well yes it is acceptable to talk to another woman considering that she is a work colleague. It is acceptable to call someone whatever name he likes in his own contact list of his phone as well. It is his list and OP shouldn't be reading it in the first place. Obviously changing the name could be suspicious but I think if I was married to someone who snooped through my phone and started tracking me in order to question me on who I was talking to I would start changing names too. Either that or I would tell them where to go.

Dungeondragon15 · 08/08/2019 00:01

So it's perfectly acceptable to talk to another woman, hide it from your dw, change the name of the woman in his contact so it looks like he's talking to a male friend - but he's nothing to hide hmmmm

Well yes it is acceptable to talk to another woman considering that she is a work colleague. It is acceptable to call someone whatever name he likes in his own contact list of his phone as well. It is his list and OP shouldn't be reading it in the first place. Obviously changing the name could be suspicious but I think if I was married to someone who snooped through my phone and started tracking me in order to question me on who I was talking to I would start changing names too. Either that or I would tell them where to go.

ThirdThoughts · 08/08/2019 05:56

You may never find out the truth about this. You may never get proof. All the amateur detective work sounds thrilling but exhausting and crazy making and makes a prize of him. You don't need to prove anything to anyone.

The questions you need to ask yourself are "is this still the person I want to be in a relationship with?". Is he being kind, respectful, trustworthy? Is it a healthy relationship if I can't trust him and feel insecure around him? What do I really want for myself in the future?

Try not to get trapped by your desire to have irrefutable proof and have a gotcha moment.

saffy1234 · 08/08/2019 08:01

You are not crazy.Quite often you don't even have any physical evidence just the 'feeling'
Saving her as Steve absolutely stinks too

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 08/08/2019 09:30

Today I took his lunch out of his bag before he left for work so I am going to go and take it to him later...

OP posts: