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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to suspect DH of cheating?

336 replies

girlsgonetame · 05/08/2019 18:01

NC'd for this for obvious reasons.

I think my husband is cheating on me but I have absolutely no evidence to back this up. Not sure if I am just going mad! Need you ladies (and gents) to give me some clear headed perspective.

Recently (don't know when but within last year or so) a stunningly gorgeous (very young, 20's) lady has started working at the same company as my DH (51!) I've just got a nasty, niggling feeling.

DH has form for being flirty so not difficult to imagine this new girl has caught his eye.

His behaviour has changed. I can't put my finger on it or even explain it but it has. He was always secretive with his phone but a few months ago he got a new one and has put on a password that I don't know. Before that I did have a snoop through and saw that he had made WhatsApp calls to this girl from work. I knew it was her because of her picture but she was saved in his phone as "Steve Work". No texts, I assume deleted! Not many calls, about 3 over the space of several months. Could be work related.

He also won't tell me anything about this girl, don't even know her name (pretty sure it's not Steve!). Tried casually asking questions but he shrugs me off, says he doesn't know, changes the subject?!

I do sound crazy! Tell me I am not crazy. Or that I am crazy! What do you think, wise mumsnetters?!

OP posts:
Original poster
girlsgonetame · 05/08/2019 21:51

agenericusername that was a brilliant idea, thank you! I've now found out her name, which is not Steve and nothing like Steve, and her Facebook profile. Unfortunately there's barely anything on there, it's locked down! I can see a few photos and that's it, nothing else.

I am going to try and get access to his phone. That will probably have to be the weekend. I will forget mine or let the battery die and suddenly need to call someone or check something.

I am saving the shower/phone call for later on when I've tried everything else

When I said behaviour change I meant he is suddenly more moody, less patient. That's about it though. It's so difficult to really put my finger on. I've got nothing! Hopefully I will have soon though

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 05/08/2019 22:08

If he lets you use it get your fingerprint on it sharpish.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 05/08/2019 22:12

It is face recognition, I'm not sure I will be able to get it on there quickly and without him noticing

Tomorrow I'm going to begin operation "evidence gathering" in earnest. Will start asking more casual questions about X and use her name. I want him to know I know.

OP posts:
Hirsutefirs · 05/08/2019 22:18

“suddenly more moody, less patient”

That fits the pattern.

TwistyTop · 05/08/2019 22:18

I like the idea callmeadoctor had about asking to use his phone. My DH and I don't make some ceremonious announcement to each other about our phone passwords, nor do we ever ask to"check" each other's phones, but whenever one of us asks to use the other one's phone we will tell them the password without a moment's hesitation, since we have nothing to hide.

His response to this will be quite telling. It would also be telling if you try and use the password later on and find that he's changed it since telling you...

Hirsutefirs · 05/08/2019 22:19

“Will start asking more casual questions about X and use her name. I want him to know I know.”

That will make him more careful.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 05/08/2019 22:20

Maybe I shouldn't do that then hersuit?

I think he is probably waiting for me to ask. I used to know his password for his old phone.

OP posts:
Sunandrainallconfusedhere · 05/08/2019 22:25

Bank statements may be worth a look. Restaurants, florists, etc. Late nights at work may not be as they seem...
New boxers?
Socks?
Clothes in general..
Joined a gym?

Hirsutefirs · 05/08/2019 22:29

I can’t tell you what to do. If you keep a low profile, the affair may progress.

If you let him know you’re suspicious, he may become more discreet.

If you’re sure they’re not doing it yet, warn him off it. How’s that?

Wafflecopter · 05/08/2019 22:37

What is the point in all this sneaking around gathering ‘evidence’ though? I’m not asking to be nasty, I genuinely am curious as to why you’re bothering?
Just tell him you know there is something wrong, that you saw her photo come up under a man’s name, and does he need to tell you something?
You obviously don’t trust him, and it doesn’t sound like he’s very deserving of trust the way he’s behaving.
Maybe ask him to speak to you honestly rather than dragging this out? If he’s a real slippery bugger who’s going to lie through his teeth, then you’re not really with someone worth your time, are you?

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 06/08/2019 06:59

If I really think about it I don't see when they would have time to be shagging on a regular basis. Not many late nights or nights away. There are always quite a few work nights out though and one night a week I finish work a few hours later than he does. They could be shagging then but his mum collects the kids from school that day. I don't know if I can ask her what time he gets home... or it would have to be within work hours

He's not exactly slippery but would lie about an affair. I don't want to make him even more careful when I've already got nothing to go on.

OP posts:
Original poster
girlsgonetame · 06/08/2019 06:59

If I really think about it I don't see when they would have time to be shagging on a regular basis. Not many late nights or nights away. There are always quite a few work nights out though and one night a week I finish work a few hours later than he does. They could be shagging then but his mum collects the kids from school that day. I don't know if I can ask her what time he gets home... or it would have to be within work hours

He's not exactly slippery but would lie about an affair. I don't want to make him even more careful when I've already got nothing to go on.

OP posts:
Original poster
girlsgonetame · 06/08/2019 06:59

If I really think about it I don't see when they would have time to be shagging on a regular basis. Not many late nights or nights away. There are always quite a few work nights out though and one night a week I finish work a few hours later than he does. They could be shagging then but his mum collects the kids from school that day. I don't know if I can ask her what time he gets home... or it would have to be within work hours

He's not exactly slippery but would lie about an affair. I don't want to make him even more careful when I've already got nothing to go on.

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Desmondo2016 · 06/08/2019 13:53

Don't analyse the 'when would they do it' angle. Believe me, there's time. They always find time.

AGenericUsername · 06/08/2019 14:14

If they were at it they would absolutely find the time! They could book meetings with each other and book a nice quiet meeting room away from everyone. If he has a private, lockable office then she could easily tell people she needs to see him about an urgent matter. Lunch breaks! Showers! I was waiting to use a shower after cycling into work once and there were 2 people at it in there.

If they're imaginative they will find the time.
Try not to let on to him that your suspicious. It'll only make him more cautious about deleting the messages. Let him think he's getting away with whatever it is he's doing. He'll become complacent and you'll stand a better chance of finding the evidence if there is any.

Doesitevenmatternow · 06/08/2019 14:15

Op this is a serious question - do you really think he's capable of having an affair?

If the only thing stopping him is lack of opportunity... Why on earth are you with him?

Surfingtheweb · 06/08/2019 14:17

I look at least 10 years if not closer to 15 years younger than my age, when I tell people how old I am they are visible shocked... & say the age they thought I was. Do you know for sure she's in her 20's? Because if you are guessing and all these replies that a 20 something wouldn't be interested are making you think it's not happening you could be misleading yourself.

easyandy101 · 06/08/2019 14:20

Why would he save her as Steve and keep the female profile pic?

I know a George, a Steve and a Michael, that are all female

Benjispruce · 06/08/2019 14:27

Does his work have a website? Do they list staff members? I'd get busy playing detective. Do you know any other of his colleaugues so that you could find out her name?

Sunflowers11 · 06/08/2019 14:28

@girlsgonetame it is in your opinion only that your DH is good looking.

Benjispruce · 06/08/2019 14:32

Many young women are attracted to older men who may be in a higher rank or power etc. or have more money, experience. Not a new thing.

WizardOfAus · 06/08/2019 14:49

Good luck OP. Keep us updated

ConfCall · 06/08/2019 15:22

If he’s made a besotted nuisance of himself at work by pursuing her (no evidence to suggest this obvs) then he could be in trouble soon.

I think that you have enough evidence to confront him and ask him to be honest.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 06/08/2019 15:40

Thanks all. I'm currently worried that I have made a huge tit of myself by looking at her "story" on Instagram. I didn't realise that it would tell her I have viewed it until after the fact.

I have blocked her in the hope that this will mean she can't tell that I've looked!

I feel like such a silly old woman

I am going to try and have words with him tonight but he will just say nothing is happening, nothing has happened blah blah. I already know the words that are going to come out of his mouth before I even ask.

They are due to have a work event this weekend. I will ask if she's going to be there. He will say he doesn't know.

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Original poster
girlsgonetame · 06/08/2019 15:43

I think he is absolutely capable. I think everyone is capable of having an affair. Doesn't help that she's stunningly gorgeous!

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