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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to suspect DH of cheating?

336 replies

girlsgonetame · 05/08/2019 18:01

NC'd for this for obvious reasons.

I think my husband is cheating on me but I have absolutely no evidence to back this up. Not sure if I am just going mad! Need you ladies (and gents) to give me some clear headed perspective.

Recently (don't know when but within last year or so) a stunningly gorgeous (very young, 20's) lady has started working at the same company as my DH (51!) I've just got a nasty, niggling feeling.

DH has form for being flirty so not difficult to imagine this new girl has caught his eye.

His behaviour has changed. I can't put my finger on it or even explain it but it has. He was always secretive with his phone but a few months ago he got a new one and has put on a password that I don't know. Before that I did have a snoop through and saw that he had made WhatsApp calls to this girl from work. I knew it was her because of her picture but she was saved in his phone as "Steve Work". No texts, I assume deleted! Not many calls, about 3 over the space of several months. Could be work related.

He also won't tell me anything about this girl, don't even know her name (pretty sure it's not Steve!). Tried casually asking questions but he shrugs me off, says he doesn't know, changes the subject?!

I do sound crazy! Tell me I am not crazy. Or that I am crazy! What do you think, wise mumsnetters?!

OP posts:
Cookit · 11/08/2019 21:17

This sounds quite like gaslighting to me.

So because you get jealous it’s all YOUR fault that he had to hide an innocent friendship by putting a fake name in his phone, archiving texts and lying to your face. It’s because of YOUR issues. He’s done nothing wrong has he I suppose?

Btw I think you’re probably right OP in that nothing is happening (yet) but that’s not because of him..

Nottodayx · 11/08/2019 21:26

Trust your gut feeling.

Kplpandd · 11/08/2019 21:39

Take back control of your happiness op. However you choose to do that. Its worrying the way you speak about yourself. x

pjmask · 11/08/2019 23:18

What a class A cunt he is

HouseholdPlantMurderer · 11/08/2019 23:41

Have you all read the new thread?
Not really sure it's a DH issue anymore...

sweeneytoddsrazor · 11/08/2019 23:56

Many people have questioned on this thread whether they have been cheated on and what it feels like and used that to exonerate the OP and vilify her DH. But living with someone with a jealousy problem is also hell. OP has admitted jealousy problems and is doing so on another thread she has started. None of us can know for sure if her jealousy is the problem or if her DH is cheating on her. I don't think it is helping her to keep telling her that she is right though. If the issue is hers then she needs help to work through it or she will never have a successful relationship.

Sunflower20 · 12/08/2019 01:16

Trust your instincts! I don't think you're being crazy.
But you also have to be ready for whatever it is that you may find if you do end up looking.

managedmis · 12/08/2019 01:25

He told me my jealousy is driving him away and making him question our marriage

^

So it's YOUR fault, op.

I want him to stop the friendship but he has refused. He said I need to learn to trust him. Do people agree with this? Not sure he'd be friends with her if she was 50 and 50 stone!

^

Too true. They are NEVER friends with the old hacks from Accounting, are they? Nope.

Let me guess, he has the same taste in music as the beautiful young woman? Who sounds like an utter bitch tbh, re: her comment on you letting him play out. Ugh.

thecatinthetwat · 12/08/2019 01:37

He's naturally flirty so whenever we go out he is chatty and charming with the waitresses and barmaids.

Bloody hell op, no way would I be with someone who did that. He does that despite the fact that you have problems with jealousy?

He must be making you feel terrible and doesn’t care enough to stop himself.

Please get counselling.

MyOtherProfile · 12/08/2019 08:29

This marriage is dead.

OP admits there have been several times in the past where she has been jealous and suspicious but actually nothing was going on.

He now has a friend at work he chats to, possibly innocently, but he has lied about this, hidden her name and joked with her about OP.

OP had no trust in him even when nothing was going on. He now hides his tracks not necessarily to cover up an affair but to stop the drama of previous times.

Hard to see there's much of a relationship between you two any more.

HouseholdPlantMurderer · 12/08/2019 08:37

Many people have questioned on this thread whether they have been cheated on and what it feels like and used that to exonerate the OP and vilify her DH. But living with someone with a jealousy problem is also hell. OP has admitted jealousy problems and is doing so on another thread she has started. None of us can know for sure if her jealousy is the problem or if her DH is cheating on her. I don't think it is helping her to keep telling her that she is right though. If the issue is hers then she needs help to work through it or she will never have a successful relationship.

I couldn't agree more.
And I do wonder whether the husband is just friendly rather than flirty tbh. People, read the other thread.

TeddybearBaby · 12/08/2019 08:52

None of us know whether your jealousy is to blame if he’s up to something but we all know what we would accept....... I’d tell my husband to leave if he refused to give up a ‘friendship’ cos it would speak volumes to me about how high he values me.

I think counselling would be good and I keep saying FOR YOU because I feel you need it the most. You can have another counsellor for your marriage but I think it’s most important that you see someone. It can really help. You have to ‘don’t the work’ and that’s the same for all of us.

If you want some guidance on finding someone then I can help you. Just pm me x

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 12/08/2019 08:57

I couldn't sleep so woke H up early this morning. We talked. I told him our relationship is broken. You've helped me see that. We're on a loop where I act crazy, don't trust him, he lies to cover up innocent friendships to "save the drama". I didn't realise how bad my jealousy was, or how it was impacting on my marriage. I am going to speak to someone about this

This hasn't happened before though. I do want to say that. I've never been this jealous or this sure of something going on. Yes I've snooped through his phone, been concerned about certain women, asked questions but this time it's different and I still don't feel comfortable with the friendship. In the past he hasn't struck up close friendships with the women that I've worried about. I want to trust him but I can't so I need to work on that. At the end of the day it's not impossible that there is or could be something going on. Maybe he fancies her. I need to learn to trust that just because he fancies someone he won't necessarily act on it and if he does that's his choice and worrying about it won't change that either way.

We have agreed to spend some time apart to work on our issues. He's still gone to work this morning but is going to stay with family for a bit. I am hoping that he will miss us. I am hoping that I will have a breakthrough where I feel more confident in myself and my relationships (probably with help)

I've committed to spending more time on myself. I am going to start going to a personal trainer so that I can look more how I used to and feel more confident in myself. I've let life get in the way. I'm so busy working (don't earn much above min. wage and PT), looking after the house and the children and obsessing about my husband! So I haven't had much "me" time and I want to change that

Maybe we will work things out and become closer, maybe we won't. I have accepted that things can't carry on as they are. I think we are both in the wrong though and both need to make changes

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 12/08/2019 09:03

Where was he til 5am?

Kplpandd · 12/08/2019 09:23

Great news OP. I'm glad you are doing something about your confidence. Ignore him as much as you can whilst you are apart otherwise he will distract you from the good things in life. I went through something similar when my eldest was a baby. I wish I had chilled out and enjoyed her more rather than crying over what my OH was or wasn't doing but when you are trapped in that rut and when you JUST KNOW there is something not right you cant help it. Do you have family and friends you can spend more.time with for a while?

WhoKnewBeefStew · 12/08/2019 09:26

I'm also confused as to where he was until 5am?

You really are stuck between a rock and a hard place, due to his actions and reactions. If you ask him to stop the friendship, you are being jealous and controlling, if you let it carry on, chances are he'll end up in a emotional affair at best (that's my opinion).

I'm glad you are taking some time out and looking after you OP. Sometimes jealousy is as a result of our environment. Have you been this way with other partners? Or maybe it's just the way your dh makes you feel.

Kplpandd · 12/08/2019 09:40

I also want to add that when the other woman messaged him saying "is she letting you out on Friday" I thought that was pretty bitchy. You definitely need distracting from this otherwise you'll drive yourself insane.

Strongecoffeeismydrug · 12/08/2019 09:45

Do what you have to do to make yourself feel better x

beccarocksbaby · 12/08/2019 10:03

I also want to add that when the other woman messaged him saying "is she letting you out on Friday" I thought that was pretty bitchy. You definitely need distracting from this otherwise you'll drive yourself insane.

It is bitchy but we have no idea what story he has spun her. All kinds of bollocks would be my feeling. Poor him, crazy wife, short leash, she's controlling yadda yadda. Oldest tropes in the book.

Wallywobbles · 12/08/2019 10:24

Gosh brave move. Well done you. I hope you get the result that you want.

Find a really good psychologist or whoever. All therapists are not equal though.

Sort out who is having the dc when ASAP though so you do actually get some time and he gets to step up as a parent properly.

Motoko · 12/08/2019 12:06

i'm glad you're having time apart. I hope that the reason you're getting a personal trainer is because you want to feel better about yourself, rather than it being part of the "pick me" dance.

I still believe your gut is correct about him carrying on with this woman, but he, and others on here, have got you so confused, that you now believe that it's just because of your jealousy. That gives him a get out of jail free card, to carry on as he has been.

I'd also like to know what he said about where he was until 5am. His actions are not just affecting you, but your children too. He spoilt their day out by being hungover and moody.

Before you get a personal trainer, get yourself some counselling (on your own). I think this is more important at the moment than what you look like. You're never going to look like you did when you were young.

Bluntness100 · 12/08/2019 12:16

I’d tell my husband to leave if he refused to give up a ‘friendship’ cos it would speak volumes to me about how high he values me

She's a work colleague! What's he supposed to do quit? Refuse to deal with her due to his wife's mental health issues? Get a grip.

TeddybearBaby · 12/08/2019 12:21

A professional relationship at work is one thing @Bluntness100. Texting ‘is she letting you out to play’ is quite another. The former is fine 😊.

Delatron · 12/08/2019 12:56

It’s one thing ‘interacting’ at work in a professional sense and another staying out with work colleagues (her most likely) until 5am. Where is even open until 5am.

Even my non-jealous husband would say ‘hang on a minute, where we’re you until 5am’?

Staying out all night shows a shows a lack of respect to the partner. But because OP is so jealous it’s all her fault and she can’t even ask him where he was?!

OP I think the space will help but be strong and don’t contact him. Only about parenting things. Remain distant and not interested.

EKGEMS · 12/08/2019 14:37

Do you really feel so low in your looks that you honestly feel that your "jealous" nature is the reason for your relationship issues? He was out till five am and ruined a family day out! He's all but admitted he fancies her and the texts you saw they're insulting and laughing at you! No one who actually loves and values you would do that. He may be attractive but he's hollow inside and about as empathetic as a backstabber. It's great you want to work on yourself however don't allow HIM to treat you and your children as doormats

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