Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to suspect DH of cheating?

336 replies

girlsgonetame · 05/08/2019 18:01

NC'd for this for obvious reasons.

I think my husband is cheating on me but I have absolutely no evidence to back this up. Not sure if I am just going mad! Need you ladies (and gents) to give me some clear headed perspective.

Recently (don't know when but within last year or so) a stunningly gorgeous (very young, 20's) lady has started working at the same company as my DH (51!) I've just got a nasty, niggling feeling.

DH has form for being flirty so not difficult to imagine this new girl has caught his eye.

His behaviour has changed. I can't put my finger on it or even explain it but it has. He was always secretive with his phone but a few months ago he got a new one and has put on a password that I don't know. Before that I did have a snoop through and saw that he had made WhatsApp calls to this girl from work. I knew it was her because of her picture but she was saved in his phone as "Steve Work". No texts, I assume deleted! Not many calls, about 3 over the space of several months. Could be work related.

He also won't tell me anything about this girl, don't even know her name (pretty sure it's not Steve!). Tried casually asking questions but he shrugs me off, says he doesn't know, changes the subject?!

I do sound crazy! Tell me I am not crazy. Or that I am crazy! What do you think, wise mumsnetters?!

OP posts:
MarieG10 · 05/08/2019 18:32

You are NBU. Perhaps start with asking why his phone is locked with a password you don't know. There is no reason why either of you should have phones with passwords you don't both know. The only exception to this I guess is if your DH has a second work phone which has security on it for work. My DH did for a while and they were never allowed to disclose passwords.

Bluntness100 · 05/08/2019 18:36

Is he in a power position over her?

I have lost count of thr amount of wives who think their absolutely growler of a husband is really attractive and any woman would shag him. Including gorgeous ones in their twenties. It's mind boggling.

I work for a large male dominated company, and when younger I would meet these wives who woold immediatly see me as some form of thread. Where as to me in my twenties there were one below knuckle dragging troll.

It's possible he fancies her. It's possible he knows your a jealous person so is trying to stop a pointless discussion by keeping her off thr radar. I'd take a step back and ask yourself if your huswnd really is all that and a bag of chips that young attractive women would risk their careers to shag him.

Hirsutefirs · 05/08/2019 18:37

Being more secretive with the phone than before is a bad sign.

Calling her “Steve, Work” on WhatsApp is a bad sign. Blokes attempting to hide chat with a woman do that.

Still rather slim evidence. What opportunities does he have, to get her into an hotel room?

Bluntness100 · 05/08/2019 18:39

Oh and the Steve thing I'd assume Steve left and she took his phone and he's just not changed thr name in his phones memory.

bluebeck · 05/08/2019 18:44

YANBU

I know plenty of office affairs between 20 something females and middle aged men. LOADS Sad

I am not sure what you can do about it though aside from PI.

CountryGirl1234 · 05/08/2019 18:50

What do you think his reaction would be of his phone rang and you said oh there Steve from work is calling (DH in shower) I’ll answer and just tell him your in the shower...
if he trips over himself to get out you’ll know something isn’t right. Failing that just say it was this lovely lady just said no reason to call back. Ask him why it’s steve and don’t give him back his phone until he tells you....that’s once you’ve exhausted all other options of course

callmeadoctor · 05/08/2019 18:50

I would go out with him one evening and "forget" your phone. Then ask to borrow his to take a photo or message somebody, Nonchalantly ask for password or if he does it before it gets to you, make an error and accidentally turn it off.

HollowTalk · 05/08/2019 18:56

@Bluntness100 Oh and the Steve thing I'd assume Steve left and she took his phone and he's just not changed thr name in his phones memory.

Would you really assume this? It's such a common thing for someone having an affair to do - why assume such a thing?

beccarocksbaby · 05/08/2019 18:58

If you think you're going crazy then you're probably not. Instinct is a powerful thing it's our trust of people which is so often misplaced that over rides it.

Dig deeper. If you uninstall WhatsApp and reinstall it it'll reset to the last time it was backed up for instance which may reappear some messages.

beccarocksbaby · 05/08/2019 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beccarocksbaby · 05/08/2019 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 05/08/2019 18:59

What do you think his reaction would be of his phone rang and you said oh there Steve from work is calling (DH in shower) I’ll answer and just tell him your in the shower...
if he trips over himself to get out you’ll know something isn’t right. Failing that just say it was this lovely lady just said no reason to call back. Ask him why it’s steve and don’t give him back his phone until he tells you....that’s once you’ve exhausted all other options of course

This is such a good idea! I might try this at some point.

He is very senior in the company so would have that power advantage over her. Also good looking, charming, flirty.

Could be an old work phone belonging to a Steve or her name is actually Steve. Didn't think of that. Thanks.

How would I find her on social media? I have social media but don't use it much.

Not many hotel stays with work, fortunately but lots of meetings, nights out etc.

OP posts:
supersop60 · 05/08/2019 18:59

You say his behaviour has changed. In what ways?

maddening · 05/08/2019 19:00

My 63 year uncle got together with a 30 year old, they are now married with a baby, it can happen with that age gap.

Graphista · 05/08/2019 19:15

"I have absolutely no evidence to back this up." Except you DO

"His behaviour has changed."

"He was always secretive with his phone but a few months ago he got a new one and has put on a password that I don't know"

"but she was saved in his phone as "Steve Work"." Unless her name is Stephanie or similar and that is really her nickname that's him being blatantly deceptive

Sounds to me like you have damn good reasons to be suspicious!

"Without being rude though do you think a gorgeous young woman in her 20s would be interested in your DH?" Yea cos gorgeous 20-somethings NEVER have affairs with married men EVER 🤔... Let me introduce you to my ex's 2nd wife who was the OW! 21 at the time, slim, pretty, could have had her pick of the single guys she had frequent contact with. Ex was 30's at the time but certainly in my life experience I have definitely known of such affairs, even where the 50- or 60- something man was very much not physically attractive. You're incredibly naive if you think that never happens!

"What do you think his reaction would be of his phone rang and you said oh there Steve from work is calling (DH in shower) I’ll answer and just tell him your in the shower...
if he trips over himself to get out you’ll know something isn’t right" could work

I'd definitely be doing more digging in your position

AGenericUsername · 05/08/2019 19:34

You're not crazy. Something doesn't add up. You need to dig! Does his company have a website? She might be listed on there with a photo maybe?
Does he have a passcode? Try and watch him put his code in. If you secretly record him putting it in then you should be able to see a pattern of which numbers he's pressing even if you can't see the screen. (I did this with a cheating ex and it worked). If it's an iPhone with fingerprint or faceID then you'll be able to add yourself once you're in so it won't matter if he changes his code.

VenusTiger · 05/08/2019 19:49

@girlsgonetame is your husband likely to risk his career/job for anyone? It could all be an ego trip for him, which is still wrong but would he act on it?

maras2 · 05/08/2019 19:57

Go with your gut instinct.
Hack his emails and search for the second phone.
Good luck.

pjmask · 05/08/2019 19:59

Can I just say it's entirely possible that a beautiful woman in her twenties fancies / is sleeping with a middle aged man, especially a successful one in a position of power. It's unbelievable that it goes on as much as it does, but it certainly happens. God knows what they see in them!

pjmask · 05/08/2019 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pjmask · 05/08/2019 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pjmask · 05/08/2019 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pjmask · 05/08/2019 20:01

Sorry don't know how I did the multiple posts!

Hirsutefirs · 05/08/2019 20:03

If there is an affair, they may be meeting (shagging) afternoons or evenings at the moment.

At least one of them will want an all-night or a weekend soon, so watch for him trying to set something up that would “explain” him being away from you.

teenagetantrums · 05/08/2019 20:03

Why not just ask for his phone password. My partner asked for mine the other day as wanted to use it as hers dead . I just told her. I have actually told her about a hundred times she can never remember. I know hers and use her phone when l want to download photos she has taken or it's nearest phone. I'm sure his reaction to you asking will tell you if he has something to hide.

Swipe left for the next trending thread